How can i change myself and have a relationship ?

Greetings ATS and Welcome to my First Thread.

First off i want to start off by thanking the Members Murgatroid and ItDepends , their positive Feedback made me realise i must Engage my Personal problem and fear over it head on , with no mercy.
It is also the Start off a New year ... so lets make 2013 the year i got rid of a problem that i have always viewed as a curse.

Some people who might have read a few posts from me , know where this is going

Oke , so here we go , wish me luck.

i dont really know where to start so i will just jump in , I never had a relationship in my life , never had sex and my first kiss i had when i was 18 , now the whole sex thing doesnt bother that much , cause how can you miss something you never had , and it doesnt make me less off a Man in my oppinion , i do strive in area's i put effort in.

With friends and family i am a very Social Funny guy , who always is busy in keeping other people onto their saddle or entertain them.
But when there are Woman around who are new to me , or when im in a bar or club , i turn into a exact Copy of Raj from the big bang theory and Ignoring any eye contact , i honestly never dared to walk up a woman for a chit chat , this has multiple reasons:

- For me seeking contact feels like i am violating Her personal space and She probably thinks : here is another dude that cant keep his hands off me.

- I just dont know what to talk about with a Girl.

- I have a very negative Mindset on how Woman see me , i have some friends who are players and who will cheat on their Girlfriend at any chance possible yet seem to get all the woman , and with all modesty i am just as good looking as them.
I would never want to trade places with them how ever , Abusing woman is disgusting and i told them numerous times what they are doing is unacceptable , i hardly call these guys anymore and if they call me i go into "what do you need now " modus.
But it indoctrinated a belief in me that woman only want 27 year old guys who are without jobs and still living with mom and have no ethics or Moral Code , instead of a hardworking self providing Man.

In 2012 my house finally was build after 1.5 year delay , After living with my Mom and Dad for years i finally had my own place, at the start it al seemed nice and before i moved there i always said i would have no problem with being alone , but after some time it all changed and i realised being lonely is very unhealthy for me , i also need presence.

The Reason i started this is too find out if there are people who suffer same problem and/or Conquered it.

Any other type of feedback is very welcome.

TheGreazel

reply to post by TheGreazel


Don't be scared!!! Be you! You do realize that there are many beautiful women out there who complain, because guys never approach them??? Yea, that's right, maybe the slimy guys do, but most normal guys are intimidated and shoot themselves down without even trying!!!!

Damn man! Live life and take some chances!!!

Reminds me of a story when I was in the Army......This guy I knew who was really good at picking up the ladies, one night, we were at a club and he just asked this girl to dance....She shot him down really hard so he picked up an empty chair, started dancing with it, and told her, "Screw you! This chair has better legs than you anyways!"!!

reply to post by seeker1963


Thank you for your input , very funny story , maybe i also need to take the "hunt" less serious
2th line

TheGreazel

reply to post by TheGreazel

How can i change myself and have a relationship

Get used to rejection and don't be afraid of it for starters... Everyone will get rejected eventually so you might as well start getting used to the idea.

IF you are that "funny social guy" that you said you are around family... show that side of yourself... That is exactly what women look for... Many if not most prefer the comedian over the model...

Make them laugh as much as possible...

Work out a bit... any woman that says she doesn't like muscles is a liar... so you don't need her anyways

Beer helps... as always

Have confidence in yourself and your abilities... and everything you do... even in the way you walk... for instance don't slouch... it makes you look weak.

Be the "alpha male"... IF you can't... fake it.

That's all for now...

Go for the sluttiest woman in the bar.
If that does'nt work then go for the ugliest one

Haha word of advice just make sure she dont have a husband lol.
I'm kinda in the same pool as you on this one i have had sexual encounters before however just with 3 other partners and a long time ago none of my relationshipes were ever long lasting but i have been recovering from psychosis since i was a rebelious young man the past 12 years i have been on my own thinking learning living alone it can be rough and you gotta have people to support you luckily i see my mum and dad and brothers regularly they helped me through recovery allot i no longer have psychosis but im a paranoid scitzophrenic which is better anyway good luck with your search and wish you the best.

Don't just approach someone with the intention of striking up a relationship-sparking conversation. Just talk to people. Doesn't matter if it's the ladies or the dudes. Talk about what you want to talk about. Don't be somebody else, because that guy's a tool.

Ask any girl what she's looking for in a man, and you could get a laundry list of things he's got to be. Mostly, that's just because she doesn't really know the answer. Nobody really does until they find it... And possibly even then. It has been said that the best way to find love is to stop looking. Just get out there, and things will happen. Never think that you're not good enough the way you are, though... Because most of us never change in the important ways.

my life is similar to yours

shy, fear being rejected, etc etc lol

i never have any gf in my life
but i realize i never try hard enough haha

I got rejected a couple of times. It's painful but I learnt a new skill: Let Go

For the last couple of months I started to enjoy living alone.

Then lately i suddenly think that maybe i shd give myself another chance.
Maybe older women are better for my personality.

Thanks everyone for there Responce

THeGreazel

Since you have a problem just walking up to a woman, I would suggest a dating website. My brother uses a free one. The name has something to with fish in the sea or something like that. Once you meet a girl there, even if the relationship doesn't work out, you'll at least have some practice and hopefully be more comfortable around women.

Now, when looking for women to meet, I have some advice. If you're nervous around women and have no experience, it's easy for certain ones to take advantage of you and possibly scare you away from the female population forever. Many women these days have this superiority complex, (thank extreme-feminism) and they feel it's wrong if they don't have complete control over the relationship. A woman like that will make you change yourself and knock your self-esteem every chance she gets. Don't fall for that. You can't change her. If she doesn't make you feel good about yourself move on to the next girl because a woman like that can do some serious damage to your confidence and possibly keep you from meeting a nice woman.

ATS has more than a few super intelligent woman, more qualified than us men to address this. They hold the most weight in this.

I have only one thing to pass to you....just be 100% yourself, and dont worry about it.

ATS LADIES!!! Reply to this member please!

reply to post by TheGreazel


You sound like a great guy, congrats on your new home. Somehow I think just the fact that you are reaching out in this thread suggests you will overcome this "Raj" thing that happens to you around women.

I thought I would share some observations and perspective I have learned over the years. I'm in my 40's have a 21 year old daughter...and out of the dating game for a long time, but certain "truths" seem kind of timeless..

Like yourself, although I was social, smart and funny, pretty too...in my youth....I could be painfully shy around men I was attracted to, even my teenage BF, who really liked me. If he came to my volleyball games, I would choke, lol, and I was good. I could dance like a "rockstar" but around him I would become a total spazz.....

We were each other's first lover's, and sex is GREAT, but it took some practice and a sence of humor at first.... I will say I did look to him to be more "assertive",.......and that is important to alot of women I think, There is nothing more wonderful then a Man that has the balance of integrity and respect, and also a masuline energy that shows his "desire" to be close to a woman he likes/loves....

Anyways, practice makes perfect....public speaking, driving over bridges, anything that "scares" us can be overcome with a "desire" to do it.......Your in a nice place in life...learn a few good jokes, and practice being more outgoing...once you see how positive women respond to that it will boost your confidence....trust me on this one........

dp sorry

First of all, DON'T change who you are. Realize that women who date sleazebags, usually try to change them to be more like a guy with your ideals.
You sound like a great guy who has his s*** together and his priorities straight, think about women as being as nervous around you as you are around them!
Kind of like wolves....

If you really don't know what to say to a female, then pretend they are one of the guys.

If you are that nervous, only approach them as a friend. Then if something else slowly develops, great. But then the stress isn't on you to perform outright as an interest, instead of friend.

reply to post by TheGreazel


You don't have to go to bars to meet women. Another poster suggested the internet and I personally think that is good for you. There is less pressure on you. Bars are terrible places to meet people anyway since you can't really talk that well.

Now, here is the golden axiom of loving: Can't nobody love you if you don't love yourself. I am guilty of not loving myself almost everyday, but I remember that I have to like it or not. Develop good self-love and confidence will spring forth from that. Confidence will aid you in your struggle for a mate. Heck, I didn't kiss a man till I was twenty, so don't feel bad about being a late starter.

Many thanks to every one who Replied

You have given me a lot to work on , i thank you for this

Fortunate Rome was not build in a day

Today i felt really reliefed i a way , made possible by you all.

Now i just wanted to share this amazing feel good song , it is from the flaming lips ,

www.youtube.com...

TheGreazel