Negativity/Steam Venting Rant

Okay, I need to let off some steam and since nobody is here right now but me, a two year old and the animals I figured I'd just type it out of my system.

I have a neighbor whom even before we were neighbors was a friend of my family. I have known him since I was a small child. He is in bad financial circumstances and we have been feeding him off and on for many months. I don't have a problem with that as we have always fed and sometimes housed extra people who need a little help.

Well, this neighbor has been out of work (other than occasional lawn mowing jobs or scrapping metals) for over two years. His lights were cut off a few days ago, his house is in foreclosure, he's driving illegally (no tags, inspection, insurance, drivers license, etc)- and he is driving me insane!!!

This person comes to my house every day and rants non-stop for a couple of hours at a whack! I try to lighten the mood and offer constructive suggestions but he shoots them all down, giving every excuse in the book of how everything is everybody else's fault and never his own. Nearly every person in his life has cut him off completely because they are sick of the constant negativity and his lack of taking personal responsibility- and I'm about to the point where I've dang near had enough of it as well!

A few nights ago he was escorted by police out of his favorite hang out- banned for life because he won't quit ranting and starting loud arguments when people disagree with his "blame game". So now he's beating on my door 3-4 times a day. I care for this person almost like a distant relative but my nerves have been stretched about as far as they can go. I'm afraid I'm about to go off on him at any second, though I'm fighting really hard not to- because he just doesn't have anyone else to talk to anymore. I've reached the point where I am almost looking forward to the mortgage company finally booting him out just so he has to go stay elsewhere and I won't have to deal with the negativity so often.

I know I sound like a horrible person, but after being bombarded with negativity every day for months and months, and now for HOURS every day I can't take it anymore. Aaaarrrggg!!!!

Well, I feel much better now. Thank you for allowing me to vent. Hopefully I will get a few hours before he comes back and starts ranting all over again. Thank you for listening!

reply to post by littled16


You should hurry up and vent your frustrations to him in a "polite" way
Before you boil up on the inside and kicks starts flying

For me it helps to pretend to be a Buddhist munk in balance with mind and body when I go into a discussion that I know that could explode, but it will never explode if you keep your pulse rate down and a calm state of mind, if you don't think you can do it, just pretend you can


The great pretender

reply to post by Spacespider

Thanks Spacespider! I have already done that a few times and it falls on deaf ears. I have been doing my best to "zen" out, but after many months it's become very difficult, especially since now instead of one rant every few days I'm catching 4-5 very long rants every day! Even my dad who has been his friend for years has told him not to come back to his house anymore- and he's one of the most tolerant men I know!

That's why I decided to let off some steam here instead of losing it on him. I know he is stressed and depressed and has no one else. I know my ATS family will understand and allow me to get it off my chest.

reply to post by littled16


Hi Little I think you have put with this joker enough. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you have had enough. That you have been good to him for a number of years.
It's about time he stood on his own two feet, and when his house is foreclosed tell him you will not put him up.

Tony

reply to post by Ferryman

I have let him know that I will not be housing him. We already have two extra people staying here right now. Thanks for the advice Tony!

I have to wonder if your neighbor isn't suffering from a mental illness.
Not being able to take care of himself yet blaming others is a red flag.
Does he have any family at all that you could speak to on his behalf?
He may be acting intolerable but perhaps he really can't help it.

Memory erasing tranquilizer darts.


What? It's how I deal with my neighbors and relatives. Probably also explains why I am single though....

~Heff

Originally posted by Hefficide

Memory erasing tranquilizer darts.


What? It's how I deal with my neighbors and relatives. Probably also explains why I am single though....

~Heff

Good One Heff

reply to post by AccessDenied

The only family he has left is one sister who is worse than he is! I'm sure that the stress of his situation is effecting him mentally, but he has always been a very negative person. The negativity has just amplified a hundred fold. He has taken the term "crotchity old fart" to a whole new level. Most people have barely been able to tolerate him for years, and his attitude of the past several months has put everyone past their tolerance levels.

It won't be long until he has no choice but to move to his sister's house. They hate each other, so they can work on trying to give each other a nervous breakdown. He's just stretching my nerves bigtime! I'm trying to be cool to him because I know it won't be long until he's not walking over here several times a day and I can de-stress. I just figured it was better to vent here than to go off on him. He has enough on his plate!

Thank you AccessDenied for your thoughtfulness for others. It is nice!

reply to post by Hefficide

Thanks Heff!

Where do you get yours? I need to order at least a gross!

reply to post by littled16


You can't help somebody who is unwilling to help themselves my friend.

I had a similar situation a few years ago and here's how I dealt with it.

I sat this person down and explained to them that I was the ONLY person who seemed to still give a damn and who was willing to help.

HOWEVER, I was at the end of my chain regarding their less than enthusiastic approach at getting their life back together. Therefore we came to a written agreement which we both signed detailing what I was willing to provide so long as they did what I requested.

Things such as:

Making resumes
Spending at least 4 hours a day job hunting.
Getting finances in order.

Etc..

It worked well this one person I dealt with because I made them realize the severity of the situation.

It may not work for you, but it's worth trying and after that, well cut the ties. You did all you could.

~Tenth

reply to post by tothetenthpower

Thanks tenth, it's nice to hear from someone who's been there.

What you suggest has worked with my two current houseguests. They both have fulltime jobs now and are saving up to get their own places and are even paying a token amount of rent to stay here until they do. But this guy- aaarrrg! Nothing works with him, and we have cut off assistance to only feeding him once per day and a ride to town if I'm heading there for my own purposes.

I know it's horrible to wish the foreclosure to go through already, but my sanity demands it. He is almost 60 and set in his ways. If he hadn't been a friend of my family for so many years I would have cut him out of my life a long time ago. So much negativity is bringing me down.

reply to post by littled16


Then my friend, let's remember that you ultimately have the come first. Especially if he has the potential to cause problems to the folks you've already helped put on their feet.

If you have those folks living stable, normal lives thanks to some TLC from you, then don't let anybody take that away from them.

60?

He's old enough to know what he's doing and if he hasn't changed now, he won't, no matter what it is you attempt. He'll simply keep feeding off of you. Misery loves company.

I say cut your losses and move on. It'll be up to him to redeem himself.

~Tenth

Originally posted by littled16
reply to post by tothetenthpower

 

Thanks tenth, it's nice to hear from someone who's been there.

What you suggest has worked with my two current houseguests. They both have fulltime jobs now and are saving up to get their own places and are even paying a token amount of rent to stay here until they do. But this guy- aaarrrg! Nothing works with him, and we have cut off assistance to only feeding him once per day and a ride to town if I'm heading there for my own purposes.

I know it's horrible to wish the foreclosure to go through already, but my sanity demands it. He is almost 60 and set in his ways. If he hadn't been a friend of my family for so many years I would have cut him out of my life a long time ago. So much negativity is bringing me down.

OP- I just wanted to give you credit for helping others as you do. At the very least you have made a huge difference in those two lives. It's always a hard lesson to learn that though we try, we can't help everyone. I'm sure despite this disagreeable neighbor that your kindness has more than balanced out the insanity he creates.

reply to post by AccessDenied

Thank you AccessDenied!
Your kindness is very much appreciated, more than you know!

I think you have gone above and beyond Ltcat16. I think this may have been the person you were referencing earlier in another thread. I don't think it is as cut and dried for you as others wish it was. I do not believe you owe this person anything other than compassion for his situation, but you have a good heart and want to not be the nail in the coffin right? Sometimes, waiting for the rock bottom to hit is all we can do in a situation like this.

I had a friend many years ago who I let move in with me and my husband, she was down on her luck and had alienated everyone in her family because she was an alcoholic, I laid some ground rules down and she agreed, it was not my intention for her to be there very long, she overstayed her welcome and broke the agreement, I had to have her trespassed and removed. She did not go quietly, but she ended up in jail and it took her 18 months to get it. When she got out she made the changes she needed, but our friendship was never the same.

I don't know how unstable this person is, but you have to be careful how you proceed from this point forward. Your venting helps, but your health is at stake either way, maybe you might need to get the local constable to have a chat with him or the local priest, I feel proud of you though for how you have handled this situation. Is your husband out of town? maybe he needs to have a mano a mano with him?

I would rather you vent in here often to keep from letting the anger build up and handling it with unintended reactions until you get a solution, either way I would not allow myself to be alone with this man period.

BAW33

reply to post by BrokenAngelWings33

Thank you BAW33. You have absolutely hit the nail on the head. And yes, my husband is across the country, otherwise the guy would not be coming around as much as hubby would get a "bellyful" of it and tell him how the "cow ate the cabbage". You're right about me not wanting to be the proverbial "nail in the coffin".

I'm not afraid to be alone with this guy, he's not dangerous in any way. I have known him almost my whole life- besides, he is 60 and way out of shape. If he ever lost it I know I could take him down, plus he knows that I'm armed and have a pitbull in the house. I'm pretty well protected.

EVERYBODY has tried to talk to him, including the constable, a few police officers, other neighbors, friends. All have given up and got mad enough to cut off communication with him. Priest- forget it! He hates clergy. I did get lucky yesterday though. He borrowed some gas from my lawnmower gas can and I didn't see him the rest of the day. It was HEAVEN! I actually got to go play outside for a good part of the day with my grandbaby, and we had a blast!

I do have some really great news that I received yesterday. One of the "extras" staying with us is moving out soon- HURRAY!!!! She has completely changed her life (quit drinking and drugs, quit sleeping around and has been holding down a full time job). I am very proud of the changes she has made and am excited for her.

Thanks for your kindness buddy, it means a lot to me!

That is great news, temper it though, keep it in check, I am glad she is doing good, but I have seen people fall back into same patterns, she has been under supervision, caution her to stay the course and to not let old habits or old "friends" back in the picture. She needs to take baby steps, and be proud but humble.

I am here anytime.

BAW33

Even if it is 3000 miles away!