Very First Thread~ explanation then a poem

My mother passed away on May 29, 2011 of liver failure from alcoholism.

She was in the hospital for exactly 40 days, with a tracheotomy in her throat and hooked up to so many machines.

The last week she was in the hospital I couldn't go see her, because it was making me physically ill seeing her like that.

Here's a poem I wrote on her year anniversary death date.

"The wind wails with cries from it's heart
The sky goes dark
So does my very soul tonight
Ripples of darkness invade every corner
Don't want to see
Don't want to be anymore"

Little dark, but that's how I was feeling. I loved her so much, and the alcohol took control of her life.

Alcohol has a hold on my father as well. This deeply saddens me, but there is nothing I can do. I'm grown and married with one child. My little sister who was 10 when my mom passed, lives with my dad and new wife.

I'm having a hard time with her death, because I don't know how to cry without feeling weak.

Growing up, my mom said crying was a weakness and my dad agreed. So I usually cry in private,and when I do start crying, I end up stopping myself. I know I need to just let it all go and cry, but I'm scared I will fall apart.

reply to post by natalia


Can't comment on the poem because poetry isn't my thing. But I will say I lost my mom to brain cancer when I was 9. I cried plenty, so did my dad. Cry if you need to, it's not weakness. I still cry when I think about what I did in the war but that's a different story.

Don't let someone else's death be the end of your life I guess. We all die. It's not bad or anything, it just is. People can be just as real in your memories of them as they were when they were alive.

All you can do is honor your ancestors by keeping fresh memories of them in your head. Celebrate their lives!

reply to post by ZeroReady


I know everybody dies. And losing a parent at such a young age must have been so hard for you, and I'm sorry.

I celebrated her birthday last month, I took my little sister and son to a park just to have fun.

I'm a up and down roller coaster though with her death. I know crying is not a weakness, but tell my brain that and it will argue.

I look at her pictures and try to remember the good times, but she was an alcoholic so there aren't that many. When my son was born, she was so helpful and loving, but then her two grandmas died within a month of each other, and she went downhill from there.

Anyways, thanks for commenting, I just needed to let out my feelings.

Letting out some of what you feel through your words is also cathartic. It's also a good sign because you can see how you are dealing with it all.

For some people it's just very hard to cry, but when they do, they cry hard. I'm one of the luckier ones who'll cry pretty easily. When I was a kid that made life very tough because "boys don't cry", but now it doesn't matter, it helps.

I know what you said about how your mind reacts to it, but even if you fall apart for a little while you'll soon get yourself back together again. And yes, I know you know that. But it will be good if you can release as you really want to.

Sometimes it takes a while, though. In spite of what I said above, after my father died it took me a year before I really grieved as I needed to grieve and finally let go and mentally say goodbye. And cry, yes. And cry.

There's no accounting for how we deal with things, no right way or wrong way. It has to come down to what happens in your own being.

Mike

Crying is not a weakness, it is a normal human reaction. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad 5 years ago.
Mourn in whichever way you choose to and never ever feel you are weak because of it.

reply to post by JustMike


Thanks so much for your kind words.

And I'm sorry about your dad. With time I know my pain will ease up.

And that's what my therapist has told me, to just let it all out and cry and my husband will be there for me to pick me up and console me.

reply to post by Night Star


Thanks, and I'm sorry for your loss as well.

It's really hard losing a parent. And I know crying is not a weakness. It just kinda stinks that that's what my parents told me growing up.

I know I can't blame them, because I'm responsible for me, and I can choose to be different and cry but it's hard.

I write, and that does seem to really help. I've got other poems, but on a conspiracy website, not very many people want to read poems. And that's totally understandable.

Thanks for reading and commenting.

Originally posted by natalia
reply to post by Night Star

 

Thanks, and I'm sorry for your loss as well.

It's really hard losing a parent. And I know crying is not a weakness. It just kinda stinks that that's what my parents told me growing up.

I know I can't blame them, because I'm responsible for me, and I can choose to be different and cry but it's hard.

I write, and that does seem to really help. I've got other poems, but on a conspiracy website, not very many people want to read poems. And that's totally understandable.

Thanks for reading and commenting.

Someone very close to me,died from alcohol poisoning ,,a few months later, his friend also died from same. I know what you are going through so you are not alone. I know a lot of people close to me who have died that way as well.
Maybe,that's why I rarely drink after seeing what they became and went through...

reply to post by scotsdavy1


Wow thanks for commenting.

I mean I just thought this thread was lost in the wind...

Anything in excess is no good. Alcohol is a poison. I still drink unfortunately. But I guess I justify by not doing it in excess....

Originally posted by natalia
reply to post by scotsdavy1

 

Wow thanks for commenting.

I mean I just thought this thread was lost in the wind...

Anything in excess is no good. Alcohol is a poison. I still drink unfortunately. But I guess I justify by not doing it in excess....

I know it's a poison and seen the effects first hand in how it can affect some people. I like a drink like anyone else but not to the extreme.

My father in law taught me this little recipe that tastes like Bailies.

You need
Half bottle whisky
Coffee (1 spoonful )
Sugar (1-2 spoonful)
Condensed milk (1 tin )
Evaporated milk ( 1 tin )


Get a large container and pour the whisky plus a tin of condensed milk in it, then a spoonful of instant coffee and 1-2 spoonful of sugar, plus add 1 tin evaporated milk.

Use an electric whisk or stir briskly by hand. Add ice cubes in a glass and serve.
It tastes brilliant and the effects are great! You should try it.

reply to post by scotsdavy1


Hmm sounds yummy...but I can't do whiskey...

Whiskey is what was the demise of my mama and is still for my dad.

Vodka is my drink, imported from Vienna.... Austria ..

Distilled from potatoes, no hangover, smooth taste...

reply to post by natalia

Hi natalia, I feel your pain. My parents are both gone now and in my case, I mourn not for what was but for what could have been. I was severely abused as a child by more than one relative. Alcohol played a very large part in all of that. It shouldn't hurt to be a child. Beaten into unconcsiousness at times. Watching a grandmother literally murdered, being takin to every funeral around because they suffered from necrophelia and i had to "kiss" the bodies of folks i didn't even know and more. Oh well. I was not allowed to cry no matter how much physical/mental pain was inflicted. I cry now...mostly at tv shows that "trigger" memories...but cry for the past....i am having same problem you are having.

I figure my life is what I will make of it....I have MS and GWS but still manage to have fun and find enjoyment...(not always easy tho). My flower gardens and pets and grandkids and some frineds help. I watch birds at my feeders, squirrels playing, the bees, hummingbirds and butterflies that visit my pretties.

But crying it all out is hard. I have a void that can never be filled. Crying in ernest maybe would help...and so, i wait.

Blessings, angels and hugs to you, my fellow traveler in this drama we call life. I hope things get better for you...and so, we wait. ^j^ Your poem touched me greatly and brought tears to my eyes...we will cry sometime, I just know it. You, for your loss and me for the child within that died a long time ago...(will be re-born).

If you break down and cry, think of it more as a way your body breaks down to build itself up stronger. After all, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

I would be wary of turning to a bottle as a way of getting past this as well. There is a genetic link between addicts as well, be careful.

reply to post by shrevegal


Oh my heart aches for you.

We crossed paths for a reason. I am crying now. But see here's the thing....no one is around. I feel safe crying by myself.

I look at my son and see pure joy and happiness, and I have to stay strong for him, and my little sister.

Thanks for your kind words to me.

I can't even imagine what you went through as a child. You seem like such a beauty and wonderful person.

Peace to you
-nat the sad cat-

reply to post by secret titan


Hey, both of our moods are tired!

I know all about the genes of addicts. It's truly hard for me.

Thanks for your words.

Peace to you
-nat the blue cat-

reply to post by natalia

Dear Heart, I do believe that people meet for a reason also. I am so glad I have gotten to know you and laffoe and slayer and some other folks here at ATS. It has done wonders for me to meet kindred spirits. Making such wonderful new friends sustains me. Angel hugs comin your way. ^j^