A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

This came on the email today from Jaynie...





To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!



PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

looks around....see's the queen



"OFF WITH THAT AMERICAN GIRLS HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

reply to post by MissCoyote


Try reading it out loud in a Monty Python old lady voice...

That was funny.

It was even funny last time it was posted...
www.abovetopsecret.com...

and the time before that...
www.abovetopsecret.com...

and the time before that...
www.abovetopsecret.com...

and the time before that...
www.abovetopsecret.com...

and the time before that...
www.abovetopsecret.com...

and all the other times people have mentioned it in the middle of other threads.

reply to post by alfa1


Oh no... I forgot to use the search engine.

Oh well. There is just nothing going on tonight. Most of us are in a depressed four year funk...

KEY WEST, Fla. (AP) — A Key West resident who police say was distraught over the presidential election results and worried about his business has apparently killed himself.

Police say they found Henry Hamilton’s body in his bedroom Nov. 8, along with a living will with handwritten words “Do not revive! (expletive) Obama!” Two empty prescription empty pill bottles were in the dining room.

Wait, I will get the other one...

"Hello, hello, hello, now here's a massage from your queen
As figurehead of the status quo I set the social scene
I'm most concerned about my people, I want to give them peace
So I'm making sure they stay in line with my army and police
My prisons and my mental homes have ever open doors
For those amongst my subjects who dare to ask for more
Unruliness and disrespect are things I can't allow
So I'll see the peasants grovel if they refuse to bow" Crass

Hehe...

reply to post by ANOK


ANOK, where are you writing from??

Not England...

reply to post by kawika


I'm an English ex-pat living in "sunny" California. Salty US Navy vet matey haha...

reply to post by ANOK


Oh, great!

ETC here, retired.

Originally posted by kawika
reply to post by ANOK

 

Oh, great!

ETC here, retired.

Oh right, I was thinking you were in now. Retired? So you did 20 years? I guess as a lifer you're never out?

Well I regret my original comment, you're by far more salty than me ship mate. Best I can do for a salute...

I think it'd work. You guys should give it a go.

Can't hurt, can it?

Cute. But, seriously, the UK is at least as screwed up as the USA.

Probably more as they had a good head start.

Seriously, message to the world, you don't want to be like us! The Queen and Royal Family are great as part of this country's history, but that's just it, this country is history! This place has been in decline for 50 years, taken a massive decline in last 20 years and the future is very bleak for all but criminals, social housing tennants and foreigners. So yeah, avoid anything to do with the UK at all cost!

Great, but if the US starts making food as badly as the UK does, I won't be going back there again.

reply to post by smilesmcgee


C'mon that Jokes about 50 years old, have you never heard of Gordon Ramsay?

British food is some of the best in the world mate.

The joke is only funny if you have a sense of humour.

Hahahaha, what a good laugh, although i would be very concerned (and not surprised) if the queen did something like this, (minus all the references to cultural differences)

But yes, america (and of course i mean in a general sense, because i know not all of you are like this and in fact you have produced MANY greats, some known by the world and some not, and indeed, i would imagine most of the posters who i find to have similar views to myself are infact american) you need to breach this curtain of fancifull imagination you have put between yourselves and the rest of the world.

I mean, for instance, i love the show family guy, but they literally seem to think that every single person in britain is posh, has dirty buck teeth and wears a monacle, but actually, from what i understand about detroit, britain is basically one big detroit, like you guys would say that a perfect little teacup sitting on the garden table while the duchess plays crocket (or however you spell it) is a perfect symbol for britain, but i live here and i would say that a raggedy old dishtowel flung out the back door of a not-quite-legit fast food ''restaraunt'' is a more fitting symbol for britain.


Oh i have one to add to the list:


ITS CALLED A PRANK CALL, AS IN PULLING A PRANK ON SOMEONE!!! NOT A F***ING CRANK CALL!! I MEAN WHERE DID THAT EVEN COME FROM!!?

I, for one, welcome our old British overlourdes back.

Cue theme music:

reply to post by kawika


Holy crap this is almost certainly older than me (35 years), it's also been posted here before.

Searchywoo#s

reply to post by jokei


The more things change,

the more they stay the same.