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How's my essay? I wrote it for Honors NSL, I hope that its good.

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posted on Oct, 20 2004 @ 09:32 PM
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Alright, I am changing my essay for my English essay which I'm doing on GWB, I think this one is a bit better.


In this critical year junction year where one candidate needs to make all the important decisions within the war on terror, and he needs to be apt in the way he makes his policy choices for several things such as Medicare, the Economy, and the war on terror. George W. Bush has failed to back up the flue vaccines shortages which is determinable to our health, and he has also failed to do just about everything which he promised on his oath; the 10 million jobs were created, but now jobs are being outsourced to the countries which are cheaper in comparison to the labor costs. Although George W. Bush is doing an okay job in the war on terror, there’s a rumor on the internet flying around that says he found Osama Bin Laden in China, and that they knew all alogn where the WMDs in Iraq. There are several fallacies within Bush’s regime and I believe Kerry will be able to fix them all and then some. As President John Kerry will create a policy for where the No Child left behind act works well for teachers and students, deploy every arsenal in America’s resource throughout the war on terror; by making full implementation of several forces that secure our nation such as the UN, the Intelligence Committee, the Counsel on Foreign Relation; he will lead us into a new era of alliances, from getting help from our allies will only then we will be able to win the war on terror. He will create more jobs, and give tax cuts to small businesses so that they can function properly; and also using the money which he frees up from getting rid of the tax break on the wealthiest 1%, he will utilize it so that all American’s have the same health-care plan that Senator’s in congress have. All these things and more are things that John Kerry is physically capable of accomplishing throughout the John Kerry administrations terms of office.
The national security of this nation is very unsafe, and it needs to be corrected. John Kerry will correct the fallacies, but he points out a great number of faults in Bush’s decision making. On www.debates.org... John Kerry goes into a rant when he just entered the debate, and he brought up a point when he said; “The measurement is not: Are we safer? The measurement is: Are we as safe as we ought to be? And there are a host of options that this president had available to him, like making sure that at all our ports in America containers are inspected. Only 95 percent of them -- 95 percent come in today uninspected. That's not good enough.” John Kerry later said that we need to be safer, George W. Bush said in a counter-argument to John kerry’s assumption “I have got a comprehensive strategy to not only chase down the Al Qaida, wherever it exists -- and we're making progress; three-quarters of Al Qaida leaders have been brought to justice -- but to make sure that countries that harbor terrorists are held to account.” What this shows is that George W. Bush only focuses on Al Qaida and Iraq; whereas he fails to realize the other things that go on in the world, chemical weapons could come into our ports through ships and we couldn’t have any knowledge about it; but George W. Bush apparently forgets that he apparently forgets, that there are other areas in the world besides Iraq and Alqaida. Also, at that same website which contains a transcript of the Debates, when John Kerry pointed out that George W. Bush said “Six months after he said Osama bin Laden must be caught dead or alive, this president was asked, "Where is Osama bin Laden? " He said, "I don't know. I don't really think about him very much. I'm not that concerned. " To this George W. Bush refuted the statement saying that he never said the comment, however due to this, it does stand out for the fact that Bush has focused as terror for a key part of his campaign, yet he ignored the key part of why he went on the war on terror in the first place. As President, according to John Kerry’s campaign site he will bring a stronger alliances with the world, deploy all of America’s arsenal to fight the war on terror, including the CIA/FBI/Department of Homeland Security/NSA, and give support to our troops in order to succeed in the war on Iraq and the war on terror.
John Kerry has a master plan for medicare, which will be available to every American citizen. George W. Bush stated that with his health plan, it would cost 5 trillion dollars over the next ten years, however John Kerry responded with his rebuttal statement; “During the 1990s, we had pay-as-you-go rules. If you were going to pass something in the Congress, you had to show where you are going to pay for it and how. “ This would be in place so that not only would it not raise health payments by too much, but the 1990s, were a time where the economy flourished; this basically allows there to be no room for unnecessary fees and many of Americans are without health care already, with the law-suits and all, John Kerry has a strong structured plan to fix the problems with the current administrations’ plan.

John Kerry will also fix problems with the economy, as stated with the same debate website, once the moderator brought up jobs; George W. Bush was a flip-flopper who switched when he was asked about what he would do in response to the fact that people overseas were losing their jobs to someone who is getting paid less overseas. George W. Bush stated in his first comment A” BUSH: I'd say, Bob, I've got policies to continue to grow our economy and create the jobs of the 21st century. And here's some help for you to go get an education. Here's some help for you to go to a community college. “ John Kerry falsified the comment with saying “And the president just walks on by this problem. The fact is that he's cut job-training money. $1 billion was cut. They only added a little bit back this year because it's an election year”, and “They've cut the Pell Grants and the Perkins loans to help kids be able to go to college.” Not only do these two quotes argue Bush’s statement on the economy quite well, but it also goes to show that Bush is being a flip-flopper in his speeches; in which he was saying that he would allow people to get in successful jobs (which really wasn’t the point of the question), by creating a system of education which can create jobs (which is totally irrelevant to the two), but John Kerry said that George W. Bush cut the job training budget-which totally invalidates Bush’s claims, and also the very fact that Bush cut the Pell Grants and the Perkins loans to help kids be able to go to collage, makes his claim lose credibility. On www.johnkerry.com, it says that they will get the No Child left behind act to work for teachers and students; and also get schools open till six so that they can work with the teachers in order to fix what they are doing wrong in certain assessments. George W. Bush has failed to correct the faults with education. The price of college has risen 35% over the last three years, and held back 200,000 people or more from entering college (soruce: www.johnkerry.com). On www.johnkerry.com... it states that John Kerry will offer fully refundable oppurtonity tax credit up to $4,000 of tuition for every year of college to ensure that our workers get the technical training they need for future years. Unlike what Bush has proposed, he failed to take into account the people who are going to be America’s future, and with inflation, the prices of colleges rising, something needs to be done and John Kerry’s the one to fix that.
In conclusion, John Kerry will lead this nation into a new era of prosperity, with our domestic principles and whenever we’re abroad in foreign lands, or facing issues with medicar, John Kerry will be there. Unlike George W. Bush, John Kerry is a man of morale values, whereas when Bush goes around accusing Kerry of throwing his war medals away-John Kerry proves his claims with facts and falsifies George W. Bush’s ideals by providing facts with his claims. I say that from now on, we need a leader who’s more responsible, one that will lead us past the war on terror, and one that will propel us into a new era where America is once again the greatest super power in the world. In conclusion, for 2004, VOTE KERRY 2004.




[Edited on 21-10-2004 by NWObringer]



posted on Oct, 20 2004 @ 09:33 PM
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By the way, I wrote it all in one night
! What could I have done to make it better?



posted on Oct, 20 2004 @ 09:34 PM
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Note to mods: I created this essay before I joined ATS, so therefor, just disregard my references to this site.



posted on Oct, 20 2004 @ 09:40 PM
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I liked it. But now I understand why other posters get headaches when I post some of my longer ones..



posted on Oct, 20 2004 @ 09:40 PM
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>_>,



posted on Oct, 20 2004 @ 09:42 PM
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YOu know that Bush never did stop stem cell research but only embrotic stem cell research he put limits on. And that has proven to be not as effective as umbilical cord stem cell research.

There is alot of shady portions in your essay. Alot of the stuff on the media. Im sure youlll have some people in here really rip it up lol. just messing



posted on Oct, 20 2004 @ 09:45 PM
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Aside from the spelling errors, grammatical errors, punctuation miscues, abhorrent capitalization, the eschewment of cogent syntax, and a complete disregard for facts... It was fine.

p.s. Christopher Reeve did not have Alzheimer’s, he had a Cervical Spinal Cord injury as a result of falling off a horse.


[Edited on 20/10/2004 by Mirthful Me]



posted on Oct, 20 2004 @ 09:46 PM
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I'm a Republican, but still I have to say, well done.
I'm not sure how some of Kerry's promises would work out as he states though. His health care plan is quite interesting and does look like it could be a good idea. His plans about getting allies to help him in Iraq, I am more doubtful of. George Bush did dodge the education question a bit. That's always a touchy issue. It's tougher for the current President in some ways during the election, since he has to defend all of his policies. Any flaw is his problem. But if they are correct he should be able to right?

Well done...



posted on Oct, 20 2004 @ 09:48 PM
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Originally posted by Mirthful Me
Aside from the spelling errors, grammatical errors, punctuation miscues, abhorrent capitalization, the eschewment of cogent syntax, and a complete disregard for facts... It was fine.

p.s. Christopher Reeves did not have Alzheimer’s, he had a Cervical Spinal Cord injury as a result of falling off a horse.

I'm only in Tenth grade, give me a break. I wrote this at like 9 P.M-1 A.M, one day before the due date, I had no chance to review it >_>



posted on Oct, 20 2004 @ 09:55 PM
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****!!!!! I MADE THIS ESSAY BEFORE IRAN WAS READY TO PROVE IRAN DIDN'T HAVE NUCLEAR WEAPONS
, there goes one concrete detail down the drain
.



posted on Oct, 20 2004 @ 10:03 PM
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Hey NWO.....you did ask for feedback remember.

Hee hee. Memories. I had a month to do an assignment on the USSR once. I did forty pages of it the weekend before it way due and only lost marks for adding extra topics not listed in the questions...

from a 36 yo mate.

[edit on 20-10-2004 by craigandrew]



posted on Oct, 20 2004 @ 10:10 PM
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XD! You did 40 pages >_>, O_O, whoa. I only did like six because it was required, it's nothing over the limit. I crammed it in, unlike you... lucky!



posted on Oct, 20 2004 @ 10:14 PM
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Originally posted by NWObringer
I'm only in Tenth grade, give me a break. I wrote this at like 9 P.M-1 A.M, one day before the due date, I had no chance to review it >_>


Hopefully you submitted that salient detail with your essay; I'm sure that will grant you a reprieve with the pedagogue who will be reviewing your Honors Level effort. The current scholastic expectations within our public (I hope) schools has deteriorated to a point that I believe you will fare well in this literary endeavor.

A point to ponder... If the consensus was that the essay was a masterpiece by the respondents, and you subsequently received a suboptimal grade, what credence would you lend to future posts by those (or any) members here at ATS?



posted on Oct, 20 2004 @ 10:32 PM
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Originally posted by Mirthful Me

Originally posted by NWObringer
I'm only in Tenth grade, give me a break. I wrote this at like 9 P.M-1 A.M, one day before the due date, I had no chance to review it >_>


Hopefully you submitted that salient detail with your essay; I'm sure that will grant you a reprieve with the pedagogue who will be reviewing your Honors Level effort. The current scholastic expectations within our public (I hope) schools has deteriorated to a point that I believe you will fare well in this literary endeavor.

A point to ponder... If the consensus was that the essay was a masterpiece by the respondents, and you subsequently received a suboptimal grade, what credence would you lend to future posts by those (or any) members here at ATS?

Hey... stop giving me a hard time. I knew that I didn't do a great job, I didn't even do a revision, it was late at night and I was really tired
, I also forgot that this forum was filled with political freaks (not offensive), so they would not give alot of praise for it. But to be honest, if I thought in advance to work on it more then I did, then I would've done a much better job >_>.



posted on Oct, 20 2004 @ 10:39 PM
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I think he was actually saying would YOU trust US for criticism again if you got a bad grade...I don't think he was knocking you.

BTW I still have the assignment. My teacher gave me 27-1/2 out of 30 for the assignment.....She took the marks off for the 24 pages she said I didnt need. Hey what can I say. Early 1980s I was interested in the subject matter....



posted on Oct, 20 2004 @ 10:56 PM
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I just lost an entire constructive criticism of your piece when it returned "Sorry you are not permitted to view this Forum".

I am unprepared to construct it again.

Good luck!



posted on Oct, 20 2004 @ 11:08 PM
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Secretary of States Arnold Rumsfield’s comments about Iraq,


Umm the Sec. of State is Powel and its Donald RumsFields and he is the Secretry of Defence

Are you turinin this in tomarrow?? If you have a chance dont. Ill print out a copy and post corrections tomarrow. YOu are really misguided on alot of these issues man.



posted on Oct, 21 2004 @ 08:45 PM
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Can someone give feedback on my English essay? I'll stop posting in this topic now so that people won't get angry at me for mass-bumping
.



posted on Oct, 21 2004 @ 11:46 PM
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I'll make an attempt...

Originally posted by NWObringer
In this critical year junction year where one candidate needs to make all the important decisions within the war on terror, and he needs to be apt in the way he makes his policy choices for several things such as Medicare, the Economy, and the war on terror.

There's no subject...you're leading the sentence on into nothing..."critical year junction year where"....just stop right there....rethink that thought...


George W. Bush has failed to back up the flue vaccines shortages which is determinable to our health, and he has also failed to do just about everything which he promised on his oath; the 10 million jobs were created, but now jobs are being outsourced to the countries which are cheaper in comparison to the labor costs.

what's a "flue"?..."vaccines shortages"....eh?....is that all he promised that he didn't accomplish? Why say "just about everything" and list only one....


Although George W. Bush is doing an okay job in the war on terror, there’s a rumor on the internet flying around that says he found Osama Bin Laden in China, and that they knew all alogn where the WMDs in Iraq.

"Okay" should have been out of your papers after 5th grade...rumors on the internet are not exactly evidence worthy putting into a high school paper....in China?!....and he was a'loggin'?!....."where the WMDs in Iraq"...what?! I'm confused...I'm tired...I quit!

If you need help and you want to take the crisitcism with a proactive attitude, then U2U me and I'll help you out more...listen to these people, and hopefully me as well if you want to get a better grade...

Otherwise....continue on



[Edited on 10/21/2004 by EnronOutrunHomerun]



posted on Oct, 22 2004 @ 02:38 PM
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[cynical grumpy bastard ready to get out of the office]
So why did you ask for help if you're not going to take it...why don't you change the title of this thread to "If you want to waste your time reading this and offering comments, please do so, and I'll not say a thing"...

Ya know...I bet you'd actually get more replies from a thread called that, knowing the trash some people take their time replying to....
[/cynical grumpy bastard ready to get out of the office]

[Edited on 10/22/2004 by EnronOutrunHomerun]




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