My boyfriend is not trying hard enough.

Originally posted by KarensHoliday
He lost his job seven months ago and I don't think he's looking hard enough. He seems to just sit around on the sofa playing video games and smoking all day, then he goes out with his friends all night, I guess. Actually Im not sure what he does at night.

He got some severance pay from his last job and he seems content to rely on this and government help plus some savings and maybe handouts from his parents. I'm not sure. We live together and split the expenses. He still manages to put up his half for rent but lately he's been "borrowing" more and more from me and getting me to pay for little extras. We never go out to dinner or real dates anymore but somehow he has enough cash to do whatever it is he does when he goes out with his buddies. And for beer and smokes of course.

I never see him working on job apps or going for interviews or even studying some skill on his own. If he did these things id feel better. I know the job market is bad now but he seems to have given up trying. When I bring up the topic he either gets all huffy and starts rolling his eyes, or tells me "you're my girlfriend not my mother so stop nagging." Or else he says we will "talk about it later" which never happens.

He can be very sweet and has a good heart, but....Is my BF a loser?

A few things come to my mind here. First of all, when you say he smokes all day... are we talking about weed? If so, smoking weed all day makes you a vegetable (been there done that, blah blah). Second, he has no job and lives off severance and benefits. I have been unemployed in the past and let me tell you, it's a very very vicious drug. You basically get paid and don't have to do anything for it so you can indulge in whatever it is you want to do and if that thing happens to be playing video games and smoking, then... you see the result. Having one such day twice a month or so is fine but once it becomes a habit, you're screwed and your motivation to go get a job and bust your nuts for a paycheck go down the drain with it.

One thing I would advise caution with is the borrowing money thing. It starts small and exponentially grows until the amount (which in most cases you don't keep track of) has become significant enough to discuss a pay back and when that payback happens to be at a very "delicate" financial moment for him, he might go psycho on you and tell you you don't love him etc etc and even perhaps break up with you and you can kiss your money goodbye. So beware of that.

He will most probably delay looking for work until all his money has run out and he literally NEEDS to find a job. That is when you have to be strong and not give him any cash otherwise you'll become his financial savior/bank which you shouldn't be, he should be his own. Plus, if he believes in 2012 he might actually be waiting it out to see if anything of significance will happen and if it doesn't, well, then he might wake up on his own.

Good luck to you!

Originally posted by KarensHoliday
He lost his job seven months ago and I don't think he's looking hard enough. He seems to just sit around on the sofa playing video games and smoking all day, then he goes out with his friends all night, I guess. Actually Im not sure what he does at night.

He got some severance pay from his last job and he seems content to rely on this and government help plus some savings and maybe handouts from his parents. I'm not sure. We live together and split the expenses. He still manages to put up his half for rent but lately he's been "borrowing" more and more from me and getting me to pay for little extras. We never go out to dinner or real dates anymore but somehow he has enough cash to do whatever it is he does when he goes out with his buddies. And for beer and smokes of course.

I never see him working on job apps or going for interviews or even studying some skill on his own. If he did these things id feel better. I know the job market is bad now but he seems to have given up trying. When I bring up the topic he either gets all huffy and starts rolling his eyes, or tells me "you're my girlfriend not my mother so stop nagging." Or else he says we will "talk about it later" which never happens.

He can be very sweet and has a good heart, but....Is my BF a loser?

He's a loser, she said;



Stop wasting your time.

That sort of reminds me of someone I know. She been with a guy for like 3 years or somethin like that and they still live with her mom. Had she stayed with me she'd been moved out. Yet I'm the loser.

Don't judge the guy while he's having a hard time. Pay close attention pay attention to detail If the guy straight up doesn't give a crap doesn't want to give a crap won't give a crap then he's not for you.

When in doubt the answer is usually no.

Tell him to get a part time Job. Even something menial like cleaning or fast food. Tell him that it is important to you. It should be.

If he is not trying then you need to show him that it is not something that you find attractive. That it does not compliment your personality.

In the end it will cost you guys your relationship. I was that guy once, and I realized that I was just being selfish. It is more than just his problem. A de-motivated person can bring you down too.


Tell him that even if he didn't make allot of money or any at all, but just dedicated most of his time to productive ends, that you could respect him. Work in a soup kitchen, community service, tutor kids at the local Y, anything besides the selfish nature of self amusement. Tell him that it is one thing to try and fail, and another to not try at all.

Tell him that if most of his time is spent on "me time" that you will start to look at your life as "me time" too. Tell him that it is not that YOU need more time or money from him, but that you cannot be with some one that only wants to coast by.

It is no small thing. It will eventually cost you your relationship when things get hopeless and then you will be stuck. Make him move his ass now, and if necessary think about the worth of the relationship and the actual joy it brings you. IF he is capable now of taking care of himself then make him do so before he needs to depend on you and you snap and have to get rid of him in a worse condition.

It might be the push he needs. If he cares about you he will be motivated enough to try. If he doesn't, then you guys need to figure that out.

Take everything we say here with a grain of salt. We don't know you guys and how things work out at home.

Just my 2 cents.

reply to post by KarensHoliday


I do not think it matters if people think if your bf is a loser or not. what matters is if you love him. If he is playing video games and going out with friends and not spending time with you that seems like a bad thing to me.

The work thing can be resolved, that is really not a big deal. if he is not spending time with you when he is not working that can be a little bit of a problem.

Also going half-sies on rent and things is kinda lame or maybe i am just old fashion where i flip the bill for everything. Always have.. the only time i wouldn't was when i was not into the girl.

he does not want to spend time with you.. the work part would be something he should or would be worried about if he cared about your relationship.

he is not a loser he is just not that into you

move along.