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A Brief French 'Military' History

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posted on Oct, 10 2004 @ 04:03 PM
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Now this is for amusement only, it is just jokes......well you be the judge.





Gaul vs. Julius Caesar - Gaul defeated by Rome circa 49 B.C. (Rome defeated the early French swine - the Frenchies had to Hail Julius Caesar as their new leader)

Gaul vs. Franks - Gaul defeated by Franks (the 'original' French, replaced by the Franks *sigh*)
Franks vs. Huns - Huns sack Paris circa 450 A.D. (Huns finally defeated here - Attila's ONLY defeat. Notice it was done by a German-Roman coalition, NOT the Franks)

More of the story here:

www.i-hate-france.com...

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

Let's face it. When it comes to war, France gets rolled more often than a Parisian prostitute with a visible mustache.


Ever wonder why they are so bad?




Just sums up ol Chirac doesnt it?



posted on Oct, 10 2004 @ 04:06 PM
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french military flag: white cross on a white background


sorry i couldn't resist



posted on Oct, 10 2004 @ 04:41 PM
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you forgot some:


Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

Or, better still, the quote from last week's Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."



posted on Oct, 10 2004 @ 05:01 PM
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I couldnt ask them, I ahve been forbidden to post direct quotes, but thanks for adding them m8! Perfect



posted on Mar, 14 2005 @ 09:49 PM
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I thought i was the only one. I worked for a French company that owned this manufacturing facility here in N America.

For my life I have never seen so much cr.p. In all fairness, the Russians have my respect. they made some of the most unbelievable things work. Innovation, thy name is Russia. Now I challenge the, make something French work. people, gizmo's, aircraft carriers, cars, Allegra something please or should they all just speak German and get it over with.


Odd

posted on Mar, 19 2005 @ 03:48 PM
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thanks again for viet nam, france, great job there.

personally, I think the whole country of france should be parceled out amongst the various nations that have been responsible for saving their asses at one time or another. it's just getting tedious having to do that every few years.



posted on Apr, 17 2005 @ 07:47 PM
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Originally posted by Odd
thanks again for viet nam, france, great job there.

personally, I think the whole country of france should be parceled out amongst the various nations that have been responsible for saving their asses at one time or another. it's just getting tedious having to do that every few years.


Man that is funny. I say lets just let the Germans have them this time, they deserve them.




posted on Apr, 23 2005 @ 08:15 AM
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Too funny!

I've always summed up France's military "prowess" in two words: Maginot Line




posted on Apr, 23 2005 @ 11:30 PM
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What about the French and Indian Wars? They lost that too to the Americans/English.

Edit, Oops: I guess KrazyIvan did already mention that.


[edit on 4/23/2005 by djohnsto77]



posted on May, 3 2005 @ 10:40 AM
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You people have forgotten about some wars.

War against Arabs in the 8th Century
Won. Charles the Hammer defeated the Arabs at Poitiers 732. After that the only Arabian possession in Europe was most of Spain.

Charles the Great's wars
Won. King Charles conquers Saxony and wins other wars and is so powerful that the Pope was forced to crown him as an Emperor.

1st Crusade (most of crusaders during the first crusades were French)
Won. Crusaders conquer the Holy Lands and establish the Kingdom of Jerusalem. The first king comes from France.

3rd Crusade (in which French took part)
Won. Saladin calls for a truce and the crusaders get quite a bit of the Palestinian coastline from him.

War against John and Otto IV
Won. French king Philip II defeats both John king of England and Otto Emperor of Germany. Emperor Otto IV is taken prisoner.

Regarding wars that have been mentioned by you people:
The Hundred Years War
After many battles they eventually win because their king Charles VII (the victorious) is considered the only real king of France by the French.

Louis XIV's wars
They lost in the end because king Louis was fighting against most of Europe. But in the beginning they were powerful.

The Revolutionary Wars
Most of Europe was against the French revolution and invaded France. But the revolutionary army defeated France's enemies. King Frederick William II of Prussia and Emperor Leopold II of Austria have been defeated.

The Napoleonic Wars
It took about 15 years for Europe to defeat the Emperor of France. France's enemies have earlier been defeated many times.

World War I
It was the France who defeated Germany at Marne in 1914 and made them dig lines along the Rhine river or somewhere not far from there. Then it became easier to defeat Germany.

War in the Indochines
Don't forget that the USA lost the Vietnam War.

[edit on 3-5-2005 by AtheiX]



posted on May, 4 2005 @ 05:23 AM
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Regarding the Roman conquest it must be remembered that it wasn’t only France that was conquered by Rome. The Roman Empire also possessed Spain, Britain, Switzerland, Austria, Southeastern, the Middle East and North Africa.

Regarding the German occupation it must be remembered that not only France was occupied by Germany. Germany also defeated and occupied Poland, Denmark, Norway and some territories of the USSR (and later they occupied Italy). Spain, Finland, Slovakia, Hungary, Italy and Romania were collaborating with Germany. If they didn’t, they would probably be occupied too.

And there are 2 more wars to mention.

The Crimean war
France, Great Britain and Austria defeated Russia.

War against Austria (1859)
France and Italy defeated Austria.



posted on May, 4 2005 @ 07:20 AM
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This is funny....


Defending France's Military record!



posted on May, 4 2005 @ 07:31 AM
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Originally posted by edsinger
This is funny....


Defending France's Military record!



This is not funny.

Regarding the war with Prussia (1870-1871) it must be remembered that Prussia has earlier together with Austria defeated Denmark and together with Italy defeated Austria.

Regarding World War I, it has to be remembered that France won not only at Marne in 1914, but also at Verdun in 1916 and Marne (again) in 1918. And it was France who Germany surrendered to.



[edit on 4-5-2005 by AtheiX]



posted on May, 4 2005 @ 07:51 AM
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Originally posted by AtheiXRegarding World War I, it has to be remembered that France won not only at Marne in 1914, but also at Verdun in 1916 and Marne (again) in 1918. And it was France who Germany surrendered to.



the french then, the makers of the MBT with 2 forward gears and 6 reverse ones......



Look in all honesty, the French have been around a while, sure they have won a few here and there. The point is, the winning percentage isnt that high, they wouldnt make the playoffs so to speak.



posted on May, 4 2005 @ 07:54 AM
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Originally posted by KrazyIvan
- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

It should be remembered that also Great Britain lost most of its colonies and also was in danger of losing North Ireland in the 1980s.

Regarding the Thirty Years War it has to be remembered that France participated actively in that war and the victory over Habsburgs was mainly victory of France.

Regarding World War II it has to be remembered that Germany won because it entered France via Belgian and Luxembourgian boundaries.



posted on May, 4 2005 @ 08:30 AM
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Originally posted by AtheiX

Regarding World War II it has to be remembered that Germany won because it entered France via Belgian and Luxembourgian boundaries.


No Germany won because of tactics and military ingenuity. Plus the French (not all mind you) lost the will to fight and some downright supported the Nazi's.

When the Germans came, the speed at the win shocked many as France had more tanks and yes even had better tanks, but the tactics were all wrong.



posted on May, 4 2005 @ 09:35 AM
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Originally posted by edsinger

Originally posted by AtheiX

Regarding World War II it has to be remembered that Germany won because it entered France via Belgian and Luxembourgian boundaries.


No Germany won because of tactics and military ingenuity.
German tactics assumed breaking other countries' neutrality. That was the power of those anti-French tactics.

Originally posted by edsinger
Plus the French (not all mind you) lost the will to fight
After they were already defeated. The Wehrmacht occupied their territory. So they surrendered.

Originally posted by edsinger
and some downright supported the Nazi's.
There were some Nazi supporters (I mean Marshall Petain's government of southern France) AFTER France's surrender.



posted on May, 5 2005 @ 02:09 PM
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Go to Google.

Type in "French Military Victories".

Hit that you "feel lucky".

See what you get....





Did you mean: french military defeats?


[edit on 5-5-2005 by Gazrok]



posted on May, 5 2005 @ 09:44 PM
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Originally posted by Gazrok


Did you mean: french military defeats?



In all fairness as was pointed out they did have some wins, but overall their winning % is like Tampa Bay's the first 5 years!



posted on May, 5 2005 @ 10:29 PM
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no the win percentage is like that of the detroit tigers, or the milwaukee (sp) brewers




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