World Peace is at hand ! [WRC]

The smoldering wreckage,burns lightning hot. The young Praetor,gleefully looked around the wreckage. The old MiG 25 beaten Easily,by just a thought. His lineage,for the last 75 years,successfully taking Country after Country.He remembered his great-grandfather telling him, " With these powers,we will one day rule the entire World."

Yes,The World.The World which had bowed to his and his fathers and his fathers before him.Leaders were given a chance. Peoples were given a chance also. The power of the mind,always compelled to do their biding. It was a chance opportunity. Lord Aelius,the greatest of the " New Leaders of Earth " had the power to control thoughts. With that single Power,he could have easily held a quiet life,of normalcy. But, taking advantage of so many people though, was a easy and greedy task. A human necessity. A single thought, a single word, and those in his midst to do his bidding.Never once had doctors, or scientists tried to get close to a "Leader". That was never permitted, Nor would it ever.

When Aelius II was born,his powers to control thoughts,were blessed by the ability to "read" them,at will.Generation after generation enhanced with ability's. The only ability not enhanced, was the ability of dying. Death still hobbled this family. All the ability's, worked in small radius's,and never worked at long distances. The blessings to the family,will always continue. Future generations, might have the specter of Death, disappear.

Praetor Vinicius watched his troops gather the people. Back in the day,his father before him,would have given these people the chance to capitulate. No longer. No longer does his family give these people anything.These were his own slaves,to do with what he wanted. " Child,come here ", The Praetor beckoned. The child,13 at the most, walked slowly to the stout man. " Why are you willing to fight me. My Family? ", The Praetor Stated flatly. " Because you are Evil ", the child shouted out. "Ah", Vinicius laughing to the small child. " That is why your mind,needs to see me for who I really am,your Savior. " The child blinked twice, and if by magic, proclaimed, " You are my Savior ". Vinicius smiled, holding the boys hand........

Very nice, needs a little more formatting, but you've added an interesting twist to the whole "Ruler" slant. I personally didn't think about mind control, or psychic abilities, but that is definitely one way to rise to the top.

Flagged, and Star for thinking off the cuff.

reply to post by Druid42


Thank you for the complement ! Yes,another story,that was off the cuff. This was a hard one,to get my mind going on. I have Piers Anthony to credit,for that........


I really have to have someone proof my work,before I submit them. The Next story, I would love for you to help me with that,If you don't mind. Humbly,I ask,of course........


Again,thanks....

reply to post by sonnny1


There are several people submitting stories that need a bit of formatting.

I really have to have someone proof my work,before I submit them. The Next story, I would love for you to help me with that,If you don't mind. Humbly,I ask,of course........

Long ago, in a kingdom far, far, away, I used to work as the King's copy-editor. I fell into favor with his counsel, as my abilities were deemed valuable to the understanding of the decrees of our lord.

(Actually, I used to work as a copy-editor, and I could be useful to you.)

I humbly accept your request, and I don't mind at all. Send me a PM. We'll work out the details from there. Methinks I'll start a thread in the SS forum, as a guideline of sorts that all members can contribute to, but I have to PM masqua first and work out the details first.

Originally posted by Druid42


I humbly accept your request, and I don't mind at all. Send me a PM. We'll work out the details from there. Methinks I'll start a thread in the SS forum, as a guideline of sorts that all members can contribute to, but I have to PM masqua first and work out the details first.

Very much appreciated !!!

Having a thread designed to help ,will be a plus. Will be looking for it,once you set up the details with masqua.

Brilliant really.
Need to do more writing here!!
S and F enter the contest this
is a win for sure

reply to post by popsmayhem


Why, thank you Pops!

Glad you liked it.

Hoping to see you try your hand in a little "creative writing".......

Originally posted by sonnny1
reply to post by popsmayhem

 

Why, thank you Pops!

Glad you liked it.

Hoping to see you try your hand in a little "creative writing".......

Now we don't want to go and get folks to wild up now do we sonny?

Till next time..
I will be waiting to see the next entry.
No critic from here

great read partner.

reply to post by sonnny1


I am thrilled more than you could ever know to see you so actively writing creative projects. We are the storytellers of our time, brother. It is upon us to tell our stories and to tell them well. Please keep writing and working your craft. Writing can be tedious and very, very, lonely, but it has its pleasures as well.

Aristotle, in Poetics, stated that every story has a beginning, a middle, and an end, but it is the end that is the chief thing of all.

This may seem like one of those So Duh! statements, and sound simple, but it in its simplicity, it is profoundly complex.

I have a few suggestions:

You begin in present tense; "The smoldering wreckage,burns lightning hot." The next sentence, however, is written in past tense; "The young Praetor,gleefully looked around the wreckage."

Grammarians can be real pains in the asses about changing verb tenses. Of course, most grammarians don't really tend to be artists. The good ones will recognize that an artist can take a steadfast rule such as "Thou shall not change verb tenses" and do so anyway, and yet somehow make it work. The bad grammarians will just be stubborn about the rule regardless of how artful you have been.

For example, if you were to write; Smoldering wreckage burns lightning hot. Young Praetor gleefully looked around the wreckage. Then the strict rule of not changing verb tenses is not really broken, even if some pain in the butt grammarians would argue it is. The first sentence would be simply a statement of fact. The second would be a descriptive sentence which let's the reader know the story is in the past. If, however, you want your first sentence to be a descriptive one, then it is probably better for your reader if you write; The smoldering wreckage burned lighting hot.

I like the staccato style you are attempting, but would encourage you to be more clear with your thoughts. Perhaps if you tried something like:

The old MiG 25 beaten easily. By just a thought. Country after country. For 75 years, Praetor's lineage had...he remembered his great-grandfather telling him, " With these powers,we will one day rule the entire World."

I don't mean to suggest you should've written as I just did, only that you take more time to shape your sentences to better tell your story. Your story deserves it.

reply to post by Jean Paul Zodeaux



Thanks Jean Paul,for the help,and for taking the time to read !

Its been years,actually,since Ive started to try my act at writing again. I always had a teacher though,letting me know what I was doing right,and what I was doing wrong. That should tell you exactly how long Its been (high school) ! So,in that time,I never wrote again. Gosh,Now that I read the story,I see many grammatical imperfections.
Its this type of help,Im going to need,as I believe I have some good stories,left inside of me.


Thanks again my friend...........