Over 50, Emotionally Scared for Life ?

Are women over 50 so emotionally scared that they are incapable of embracing life ?

This is the question that I would like to have answered.

If there is an answer.

Allow me to offer this aside to illustrate the dilemma I am referencing.

Thanksgiving dinner at my cousin’s house was attended by her close friend, age 55. This friend, who I have never met prior, engaged myself in constant conversation and focused her attention toward me though out the evening. The dinner was quite pleasant and the interaction shared was very enjoyable. I found this friend to be quite charming, very intelligent and Spiritually enlighten, all of the attributes I find attractive in another. At the close of the evening I escorted her to her automobile and said “ I found sharing this evening with you quite enjoyable, perhaps we could share another evening together” Where her reply was “I would enjoy that”, at which time she embraced me and kissed my cheek. A very pleasant end to our encounter.

Now, here is where I “Screwed-up”, I allowed her to leave without asking for her number personally. But in my defense, I was stunned by the hug and kiss, and was knock off my focus by it.

The following day, I call my cousin and after praising her on a very successful dinner party requested that she contact her friend and ask her if it would be permissible for her to relate the friend’s phone number to me, that I would like to ask her out for another evening.

This is where it gets really strange.

Or at least from my perspective.

The friend relates to my cousin that she is unavailable for a serious relationship at this time, and she has no desire to have sex after the date. My cousin answers back with he does not want to marry you, and a dinner date is just that, a dinner date. So, the friend has her text me her phone number.

After I learned of their conversation and before I used the number I saw their interaction as a “RED FLAG” and told my cousin that the last thing I need in my life was a bunch of High school type girl drama and I will pass on a dinner date.

So, here comes the question.

How is it that a supposedly mature intelligent woman able to jump from pleasant company over dinner to a serious relationship and “put out or get out”.

Just blows me away.

In my mind there is only two possible answers to this question,

First the friend had pondered over the encountered we shared and had already drawn the conclusion that I would be one in who she would become attached to quickly and she was just not ready to open that door.

OR,

She has been hurt so deeply over and over again that her trust of men has reached such a low level that she has chosen to shut herself off from life and what it has to offer.

Any observations or similar stories from my friends here at ATS would be greatly appreciated.

By the way, I don't look anything like my Avatar, John Saber.

As part of the background, This friend's first statement as we were being introduced was directed to my cousin "You didn't tell me how attractive your cousin is"

As a woman, (in general) I think it's a bad idea to generalize about all women based on a few bad experiences.

But I wish you luck in your future endeavors, and congratulate you for seeking a woman your own age. Any single woman in her 50s, just like any single man that age, is going to have 5 decades of emotional baggage. It doesn't mean they're all going to be lunatics - but you aren't going to find one who is naive and fresh relationship-wise. Unless she's really dumb.

reply to post by Schkeptick


Would it be your advice that I would be more Understanding, and compassionate toward the “baggage” in hand.

I do understand that you meet a person where they are ( in life), however, I don’t believe that I care to take the time to “nurse” someone through their emotional healing.

Is this wrong ?

I am I being dis-compassionate ?

reply to post by brokedown


The truth is, until you go out with her and ask her about her past relationship history, you might not ever know.

I'd be asking my cousin this question to see how much they know about her already. Maybe your cousin has some insight.

reply to post by brokedown


The things relayed to you might have just been a condensed version of a longer conversation. if you take it out of context then it could easily sound like a lot of info all at once, but think about the kinds of conversations women have about men, they go all over the place and there are usually very few boundaries to the conversation topics.

Give it a go and see where it leads, meet in neutral places during daylight hours for dates and let her make the opening moves.

I should state that my love life is a train wreck that happened years ago so my advice may be faulty.

Goodluck though.

reply to post by Raivan31


You are quite correct in your observation, that I am looking at this purely with a Male mind.

Perhaps it would be wise to consider the interactions women have with one another being very different from OUR norm.

reply to post by brokedown


Maybe she is afraid that you are looking for more than a date, and doesn't want to disappoint you by not being willing to have sex...and she really isn't looking for a serious relationship.. just companionship.

If that is the case.. she saved you the cost of a dinner..if you were looking for more.

I don't think she should have given you all the "false" clues though.. the kiss on the cheek..and accepting your invitation.. she should have told you herself when she walked out to the car with you, and asked her out.

Who knows what your cousin and her talked about as well.. maybe your cousin said something to the effect of "don't lead my cousin on ..if you're not interested"

Sometimes things are exchanged in a conversation that you are not made privy to..so I really can't say what went on..

BUT..on the bright side OP..you are attractive.. a great conversationalist.. and I'm sure there will be a woman out there who is willing to have a relationship with you...that you find attractive with all the qualities you desire.

I think the whole idea of dating in this society is flawed. Plus too many idiots out there wrecking it for the rest of us. Besides. I wouldn't touch half the women out there with a stolen penis, regardless of how good looking they are.

I would rather be with someone who knows how to chop wood, make fire and kill game. Too many useless people out there.

My advice, stay far away from Amy women with a shred of emotional baggage. They never get over it once they have it. It may not rear it's ugly head right away but down the road you will pay for it. Just look for the signs and if they are there thank them for a wonderful time and then don't bother calling them again.

As I get older I find its increasingly hard to find a single woman who isn't damaged goods.

I am 56 years old, sexual encounter is toward the bottom of this list today.

I, as a young man, sowed enough “wild oats” for several lifetimes. I am really not interested in having sex, for sex sake today.

For myself, today, Love making is purely a emotionally bonding experience that I reserve only for those who I have built a relationship with before hand.

This is why I found “the friend’s” comments so insulting, and “high school”.

The friend relates to my cousin that she is unavailable for a serious relationship at this time, and she has no desire to have sex after the date.

Translation:

I am very interested in, and have been looking for a serious relationship. And you are a prime candidate.
I already made up my mind to have sex with you before our first encounter was even over.

However, I don't want to come off as eager or easy. And I want the option later to say, I made it clear in the beginning...

I'm not sure if you meant scarred or scared in your thread title, but she is a little frightened I'd say. Not of you though. She's "scared" of herself. Her statements were also a way of measuring your response, and finding out if your interest is beyond the physical.

reply to post by Klassified


Very insightful !

It is my tendency to think along similar lines as your response.

It is time for me to start my day so I must close.

I would like to thank each and everyone one of you for your excellent advice and comments.

You, my friends here at ATS have once again given me

“Food for Thought”

I, will internalize each response and give deep consideration to all of your exceptional advice.

Thanks !

Silly man, she's just scared. Not scarred, scared. We are accustomed to men only wanting to have sex with us, and she wanted to put it out front that it's not on her agenda right now.

Of course, that is subject to change.

You'd be doing yourself a disservice not to have dinner with her. Call her for dinner. You advised her through your cousin that "it's just dinner", so advise yourself of that also. It's only dinner.

reply to post by brokedown


Just my opinion, but I would go out with her one time. Have dinner, have some laughs, and call it an evening. Like you, sex is not high on my list. I was enough of a tramp in my early years. So other things take precedence.

Originally posted by Klassified

The friend relates to my cousin that she is unavailable for a serious relationship at this time, and she has no desire to have sex after the date.

Translation:

I am very interested in, and have been looking for a serious relationship. And you are a prime candidate.
I already made up my mind to have sex with you before our first encounter was even over.

However, I don't want to come off as eager or easy. And I want the option later to say, I made it clear in the beginning...

I'm not sure if you meant scarred or scared in your thread title, but she is a little frightened I'd say. Not of you though. She's "scared" of herself. Her statements were also a way of measuring your response, and finding out if your interest is beyond the physical.

Of course, i always forget that men call a spade a spade and women bandy about a subject trying to entrap a man into saying what she doesn't want to hear. What women don't seem to realise is that a man has opinions that they often make very clear but when they decide to give a little and consider changing their opinion a woman percieves this as meaning that he is lying, when the reality is that he is attempting to be understanding and learn from anothers opinion.

reply to post by brokedown



Well, seems like there was some heavy flirting and body language being passed around. Being 55 she could be in menopause. From my experience with that it makes women almost bi-polar, ready to bone you one minute, ready to cry the next.

It's entirely possibly she doesn't want sex. As i understand it when you get that old your perspective on life shifts from having the urges of youth of wanting to rut all the time, to just taking in the scenery and enjoying every aspect of the day as life begins to slow down.

From my experience being hurt, i don't get very emotionally attached to people. I tend to hold back 80% so i don't get too attached but i'm a man. Being 32 years old i don't think theres a day that doesn't go by where i do not wish i hadn't ever had sex in the first place. I'd rather just be left alone. Maybe she feels the same way. People that have been hurt alot tend to not be as trusting or as willing to let it happen again, they erect a wall of defenses and try to remain aloof.

She may also think youre just out to get some tang and that may be a turn off to her as well. In that respect if you don't go on the dinner date with her she may see you as being shallow and that will blow anything you could ever have with her when she thinks that's all you were after in the first place. I think most women now are hip to the fact that men will lie to get sex and tell them anything they want to hear. Keep in mind she may have preconcieved ideas about all men, and if you don't step outside your comfort zone to prove her wrong that may never change. Gotta start somewhere with someone.

Just because some of you "older guys" say you don't obsess over sex anymore, doesn't mean there aren't still a lot of very horny 50+ year-old guys out there. Maybe she had just had some bad experiences lately with men who were jumping the gun on the whole sex thing, and she was tired of it.

And for the guy who posted that when women say no, they really mean "yes, but I don't want to admit that to you", NO MEANS NO!!!!!! Please don't promote that myth that women really want you to throw them down when they say they're not interested.

Men have their fair share of emotional baggage too - it's not just women. In my youth, I once dated a guy who had been cheated on by his last girlfriend. As a result, he was very insecure, and was always suspicious of me, even though I gave him absolutely no reason to be. I finally had to end the relationship because I got so tired of trying to prove my fidelity to him.

I say give this woman a call. Be very honest and tell her you are not looking for sex right now either. Tell her you are just looking for some companionship and good conversation right now, nothing heavy. Once you get that out of the way, she just might relax enough to enjoy your company. She may even open up to you and tell you why she said what she said to your cousin. Honest communication always works best.

Originally posted by Klassified

The friend relates to my cousin that she is unavailable for a serious relationship at this time, and she has no desire to have sex after the date.

Translation:

I am very interested in, and have been looking for a serious relationship. And you are a prime candidate.
I already made up my mind to have sex with you before our first encounter was even over.

However, I don't want to come off as eager or easy. And I want the option later to say, I made it clear in the beginning...

I'm not sure if you meant scarred or scared in your thread title, but she is a little frightened I'd say. Not of you though. She's "scared" of herself. Her statements were also a way of measuring your response, and finding out if your interest is beyond the physical.

Funny, I've seen more men behave this way than women. MOST women in this age group DO NOT make up their minds about sex after a first encounter!

I can't tell you how many times I've seen senior aged women go out with men who claim they have no intention of marrying again, but drop comments about reconsidering after only a few weeks. It's alright as long as the male is dropping the "M" word, but the first time it comes out the woman's mouth, the men remind them that they never had any intentions of marriage all over again. I see this game played over and over again by men to suck women in to doing what they want.

I would show her your avatar on ATS and tell her to get in the kitchen,shadddup,and bring you dinner.

I bet she would love that.

Maybe not.

Isn't the rule of dating to wait a day or 2? Maybe you moved too fast for her.

And for her to let your cousin know you CAN'T have sex with her after a date is outright stange for a 50 year old to even be discussing in my opinion.

Pretty presumtuous on her part you would even wanna tap dat.