Yes, I'm Retired!

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Jones,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out

hahah thats good!

reply to post by guohua


Someday... I PROMISE... I will try the last one!
Just great! Thx!

Thanks for the laughs!!!!!
This was just what i needed to pick up my morning. Maybe your next target can be Wal-mart.

Originally posted by occrest
Thanks for the laughs!!!!!
This was just what i needed to pick up my morning. Maybe your next target can be Wal-mart.

edit on 16-11-2011 by occrest because: spelling error

Wal-mart, I've Been Permanently Banned,,,,, I think They Have My Picture Up, Kinda Like The No-Fly List
I'm On The Not Allowed in Store List

Which is Good, The Wife Like Wal-mart and i get More ATS time!!

Originally posted by Numino
reply to post by guohua

 

Someday... I PROMISE... I will try the last one!

Just great! Thx!

How Did That Old Saying Go?
You can't eat just ONE!
Well........ You Can't Try Just ONE!
If it is only One, try this, Another of my Favorites: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


No,,, this is Great At a Ace Hardware Store, Someone is always asking if you need help. When a clerk asked if they could help, just begin crying and scream, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

Sadly, I've actually done a few of those things!!
(I'm a bit of a goofball and I dont care what others think of me)

I havnt done the fitting room one yet, but definetly on the "to-do' list.

reply to post by Talltexxxan


Another of my favorites is this (Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.) Target is a Great Store for this Prank, The Target stores here still display clocks with Batteries in them and some Plugged in to outlets

Originally posted by guohua
reply to post by Talltexxxan

 

Another of my favorites is this (Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.) Target is a Great Store for this Prank, The Target stores here still display clocks with Batteries in them and some Plugged in to outlets

Yeah thats one that I've done. also go down the little kids toy section and make ALL the talking toys start doing there little songs.

Ive also done #5, gone into the line for lay-a-way and put a bunch of cheap items on the counter and asked if I could just go ahead and pay for them now.

#6 Moved the wet floor signs plenty of times (once the floor was dry ofcourse)

#7 I actually have been thrown out of Wal-mart for that one

#9 Security camaras are always fun to mess with. Especially knowing some one is starring right at you and theres nothing they can do about it.

#10 If been in the hunting section asking whats the range of certain hunting rifles and then asking if the store also sells 'maps to the stars'

#11 My personal favorite. Going around the store like a secret agent singing the MI theme song drives my wife nuts.

#13 And I've definetly done my fair share of hiding in close racks just to scare the S**t out of people.

Ive also been thrown out of wwal-mart at 4 in the morning drunk as hell playing 4-square with some friends using the giant plastic bouncy balls. (they put up with it until we started going full contact)