An important announcement regarding the USA

Email from the Queen - an important announcement regarding the USA

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
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11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn to play cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (who used to be World dominators some years ago) first to toughen you up to face the better sides.
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13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

Link

Absolutely brilliant!
Well done that man!

reply to post by BrianDamage


charge the monarchy for its crimes against humanity!

good work by the way man, funny stuff

Originally posted by Aestheteka
Absolutely brilliant!
Well done that man!

I can't take the credit, but it was too good not to share

reply to post by BrianDamage


Haha quality.

Originally posted by BrianDamage

Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

So, so true and im not even British. Also force them to stop with the crappy Australian accents, it drives me nuts.

there is a joke forum.

this is not it.

Originally posted by JohnySeagull
there is a joke forum.

this is not it.

Yeah, I did think I might have mistakely put it in the wrong place, the Mod's will no doubt move it to it's rightful place.

reply to post by BrianDamage


Queenie,

Let them stew and don't revoc. You have enough troubles in your own country. What are you gonna do about that?

Let them die on their own.

Love it!! Especially numbers 1 (which drives me crazy, especially when its the computer telling me i'm wrong!), 4,7,9 (beer is vitally important) and 15 (important one for any true 'civilisation').

That said, i hope you have your helmet and flak jacket on for later on..........

Originally posted by Flavian
Love it!! Especially numbers 1 (which drives me crazy, especially when its the computer telling me i'm wrong!), 4,7,9 (beer is vitally important) and 15 (important one for any true 'civilisation').

That said, i hope you have your helmet and flak jacket on for later on..........

Yeah, might go "off line" for a bit,

reply to post by BrianDamage


Glad you can't spell gun without U!

1. The UK has a history of being long winded, clearly with this post, I think we will keep our spelling as is. Do-nuts is actually an Irish abbreviation, so do your homework. Our grammar is fine, have you ever heard the awful things that come out of your citizens mouths?

2. Considering that UK-english is second to US-English with Microsoft, I think you might have trouble with that one.

3. We kicked your ass once, and can clearly do it again. You pick the date, and we can supply "Independence Day #2"

4. Clearly eliminating guns in your country has resolved violence. Last time I checked, violence actually went up when you took guns away from your citizens, by the means of crowbars, bats, and clubs. Damn Hooligans.

5. See Above.

6. Last time I checked a straight line is the shortest path to any destination. How is driving in circles solving this?

7. Considering that most of your vehicles consume diesel and not gasoline, I think we can skip out on your prices.

8. French Fries aren't meant to be called chips, that is why they are called FRENCH FRIES. As for potato chips, you win that argument, minus the vinegar, brush your teeth wankers.

9. I won't argue your stance on beer, except for Sam Adams. I do enjoy a good black and tan.

10. When your country starts producing Actors worthy of lasting more than 10 minutes in the latest action flick, we will consider casting them. You immediately lost your argument when you brought Andie Macdowell into the equation.

11. Lets put an NFL Linebacker up against your so called "rugby bad asses" and see who is left standing.

12. It is called the World Series because the only teams that can play baseball on a World wide competition level are American teams. Case in point - China and Japan.

13. I don't think we are sure who killed JFK, so get in line.

14. I'll back your IRS agent from the Queens Government off my porch with my double barrel just as fast as I will a US IRS agent.

15. We already have a weight problem in the U.S, I don't think adding tea time is going to help that. Our substitute "Beer-Thirty".

^^Just for fun btw. I laughed the entire time I read the letter from "her majesty the Queen".

I'm sorry, I want aware that England was doing so much better than us.

Lol @ the few people who couldn't take the joke.

And kudos to the guy who tried to bring a comeback . Nice job.
The world series thing has bugged me for years .

I'm gonna make a world series of something, and invite my neighbour Doug.

xD

Lmao brilliant.. Ta for a good laugh

Your majesty:
In response to your revocation of our independence:

Do you really want to take on this spoiled problem child of a nation?
the begging for hand outs and crass"culture" would drive you simply mad.

I have a simple reasonable compromise: You can install as many cctv cameras with direct feeds to Buckingham palace as you would like; In that way you(and the ever stoic "beef eater guys" in the fuzzy hats " could sit in your stolen french chairs and feel like you are right here without having to fly out of heathrow and miss your football "matches". We'll check in every night at curfew with Canada. So you know we are keeping up our part.
Nice post o.p.!

Originally posted by dethduck
I'm sorry, I want aware that England was doing so much better than us.

It's not, the whole post was satire.

That was comic genius, i'm at work so as much as i wanted to i couldn't burst out laughing. Instead i had to take breaks everytime the need to laugh got so much that i was crying! it took me quite awhile to read

I loved the thought of them having to apply for a permit to carry a veggie peeler in public, i can just imagine the news about gang warfare with peelers

Do we get to participate in the NHS? That might be worth it.