I am a Duck

I am a Duck. Specifically, I'm a fluffy Duck who specializes in Quacking.

I'm not here to tell you about the amazing top-secret Frog technology I know about (I don't know any), about how science is kept from you by "Garden gnomes" (which is apparently a more formal version of "them") or anyone else (it isn't), or about how any pond creatures technology is years/decades/centuries/millennia beyond normal technology (it's not).

Why do I read these boards? Simply: they're hilarious. There are so many astounding misunderstandings of such basic things... I semi-regularly read several of the sub forums just to see how the newest poster has strung together some technobabbly words to make some ridiculous claim. It's fascinating. I also know of several other Duck friends of mine who occasionally do the same, and we trade ridiculous stories of things we've read.

So why am I here? You've provided me with so much entertainment, I thought I'd return the favor. (Also, I have the bird flu and waddling is making me dizzy, and I've got nothing else to do at the moment!) So, feel free to, in this thread, ask me any Duck related questions you want and I will answer them to the best of my (flu-ish, sleep-deprived) ability!

Considering that one of the other new posts in this forum--a guy who worked as frog evidently a technical or support frog of some kind--has been quickly ridiculed as being one of "those garden gnomes" / a "disinfo gnome" / a hoax / whatever, all because he doesn't scream that his amphibian bosses are all gnomes, or toads, or whatever, I don't expect too many of you to take what I say seriously. But, for those of you who'd like to actually learn actual quacking techniques from an expert, I'm happy to give some time to answering your questions!

Let me tell you specifically what I do.

I work primarily on quack theory, a theory that combines general quacking with squawking pond theory (which is squawking mechanics plus special quacking). The purpose of this theory is to "unify" all interactions into a single description, in a way which provides additional, testable, constraints on the low-energy limit of all quacks (in other words, one that provides explanations of quacks heard at low volumes, such as quack masses, strengths of interactions, etc). We want to do this because, in addition to describing all quacks at once, it provides additional squawking constraints that relate things together that weren't known to be related before.

Quack theory is definitely correct. It's not a "speculative" or "controversial" theory. The details of why we definitely know it's right are too complicated to discuss here (there's a reason you have to go to school for ten years to be a theoretical quacker) but basically this is known by quacking consistency (the same way you can know 1,000,000 quacks + 1,000,000 quacks = 2,000,000 quacks without having to get a million quacks, count them, get a million more quacks, count them, then put them together in a pile, and count how many quacks you have! You can just say this is the logical result of 1+1=2 and the rules of quackmatics). There are no other theories that does what quack theory can do.

What I personally do (Quacking is a big field, and lots of people do different things) is to try to understand what the basic structure of the theory looks like, and to try to understand how this constrains the allowable low-volume theories. In other words, how we get the Standard Model out of quacks, what additional things this tells us, etc.

I'm happy to answer any questions, in this thread, that people have about quacks, until I get annoyed with too many people accusing me of being a "disinfo frog," a Gnome, "closed-minded," etc. I will not, however, provide any personal information or any information of any kind that can identify myself or my duck friends or my pond affiliation (I don't want my friends and coworkers getting harassing e-mails / letters / visits, believe it or not, they get a lot already, they don't need more!)

reply to post by chooselove


sorry mods i just couldn't help myself lol

reply to post by chooselove


I don't believe you are really a duck...

Alright people, enough already. get over it

funny though

reply to post by chooselove


I smell a meme.

Report to /b/

You're a lame duck.

i think its the same guy who did i am a scientist
i think he is lying again
EDIT: ok he's just taking the piss out of the guy who made that other thread. its alot more funny as a duck.

so mister duck do you wake up at the quack of dawn?

Can you create an echo if you tried really really hard?

That's so awesome that we have a duck on the board. Looking forward to hearing what you can share and teach us.
I think that most pond animals are misunderstood and I hope you can shed some light on to why water goes off your back like... well, like water? Is this a wax or oil issue? Do you prefer finding your own food or do you pander to the humans eating lunch in hopes to eat a crumb?

Anyway, nice to meet you and thank in advance for answering my questions.

S + F!!!!!!!!!!!

Great thread!

reply to post by chooselove


You have a few months till the season opens at least around here. If you had a choice how would you prefer to be cooked? ps what's your stance on that whole echo thing?

reply to post by chooselove


Which species of duck? A white duck? A wood duck? Mallard?

Are you or are you not also a witch? Should we ready the stake and fire?

I spend a fair amount of time hiking the riparian woodlands here. I often observe Ducks following Geese.

I can't say I've lost sleep over this, but I also can't help wondering if: 1. Ducks are just natural followers and Geese leaders 2. Ducks don't trust Geese and always tail (sorry!) them, or 3. Ducks are part of an MKUltra program using subliminal quacks to subvert the Geese.

This may be outside your area of expertise, but I'd appreciate your input.

reply to post by IPILYA


Good question. Quacks are effected by obstacles the same as all sound waves.
I personally, work more on the distance a quack will travel over the surface of a pond more than the quack echo theory.

Originally posted by chooselove
quack echo theory.

Holy frig

Being new to this site I am amazed that someone would actually
go to the length to write out this jibberish and highly unfunny narrative.


I need my 20 posts apparently to post a thread of my own and have to resort replying to other peoples posts. So instead of ruining a decent post I posted in this waste of a thread!

reply to post by FrenchOsage


we just don't trust them nasty giant try hard ducks. we must and always will keep a close eye on them.
Never ever trust a goose

Do you work with the aflac company?

and are you a scientist too?

How do you propse that unified quack theory can combine quantum croaking with general pond theory?

Do you find rubber ducks offensive?
Do you feel they portray your kind in a negative light?

Thanks in advance for the reply!

reply to post by chooselove


why did that make me laugh