Some people have a lot of nerve

What drives me crazy is not the fact that this person is a freeloader, deadbeat, and slob. What really gets to me is how unapologetic and matter of fact it is. This person is inconsiderate, thoughtless, and ungrateful. You would think that after being out of a job for four plus years and not paying any rent or bills to the tune of owing me more than 30k, this person would at least show some respect, humility, and thankfulness. Not the case at all. Apparently, this person feels entitled to take complete advantage of the situation and milk it to the last drop. Despicable!

I would kick this person out right this second and never look at or speak to them again if it wasn't for the extenuating circumstances surrounding their tenancy in my home. As it is, I can hardly tolerate their presence. This person must think I owe it to them. I can assure you I don't. This person claims complete autonomy yet takes no responsibility. What a joke! Loud, angry, and abusive too.

I am starting this thread to chronicle this person's ridiculous, unacceptable behavior. I have to vent somehow. I have no doubt I will have many opportunities to share my experiences going forward. There is no need to post a litany of past offenses, though I may choose to if something particularly egregious comes to mind.

Thanks to ATS for providing this forum.

Sounds like you're not taking care of yourself before you take care of him. Not a very good thing to do for a long period of time.

Sounds exactly like what a lot of parents say about their kids. LOL

Good luck tho. Hope it works out for you.

reply to post by Icarus Rising


You are in a tough spot, that's for sure....
It's a good idea to vent. Stress can make you sick.
The bad thing is that your home is supposed to be your safe place, your sanctuary. Now you don't even have a peaceful place to unwind......

Start dropping subtle hints and keep it up. He may get the message and start to get his life in order...

reply to post by Icarus Rising

Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud

As per your avatar, I thought this book might help you to understand YOU and your the controller/manipulator not the lug.

I would kick this person out right this second and never look at or speak to them again if it wasn't for the extenuating circumstances surrounding their tenancy in my home.

We all have choices. We might not like our choices but indeed, we have choices.

It will be a good thing for you to use this thread to rant. Eventually you can look back on it to see your co-dependency and to see it is only you who needs to change.

Hopefully you will realize sooner better than later that you will never change the other person.
I'm not trying to be mean at all, I feel for you but to an extent only.

The problem you are having is you
I wish you the best

Excellent thread.

I've found myself in the same predicament.

Mind you, I will be moving out in a week, so I will no longer have to put up with the constant mental, emotional and spiritual abuse that this person is capable of putting me through.

The reason I stayed in this place so long was so that I could help out a few people who needed my help.

As another person posted, however, eventually you have to cut your losses and think of your own well-being first.



That is why I am moving away.


I will be sad to leave certain aspects of this life behind, but I will be creating a whole new world for myself to explore.

Good luck with your own journey.

reply to post by sweetliberty


Quite aware of the dynamics of the situation. Familiar with the co-dependency thing and aware I am allowing the situation and why. I have no desire to contol this person, I only wish for this person to control and provide for theirself. Financial and family responsibilites preclude me moving or forcing this person to move at the moment. Don't assume this person is male and I am female. Thanks for your input and no offense taken.

Very interesting thread, OP. I hope things work out for you.

We need a little more info, if possible...you mention "extenuating circumstances" so without knowing exactly what these are its hard to form a solid opinion yet. Also, what is the relationship of "this person" to you?

How did you ever let "this person" get 30K in the hole to you to begin with? I think that's a red flag anyway, whatever your relationship. When you lend money to friends they stop being friends, because money isn't a friendly thing. Sometimes you might have to do it ("extenuating circumstances"?) but it often causes rifts in relationships of all sorts.

Well, maybe you can't tell us because of privacy and if so that's OK. Best wishes for resolution.

reply to post by silent thunder


The 30k is unpaid rent and bills, not money loaned. This person is my ex and the extenuating circumstance is our son. I allow this person to continue living with me because they have nowhere else to go nearby and I want to keep my son close to me. This person knows my motivations and takes full advantage of the situation.

I don't mean to get into you biz-ness, but It seems to me that if you are paying the rent, feeding the house hold, and taking the responsibility then you should file for custody and ask your ex to go. If you truly care for your child you wouldn't teach them to live off of others by allowing this to continue. It boils down to what kind of adult you are attempting to raise.

or

if it is a case of 'live in babysitter' and you can not afford it on your own use a subconscious tactic and watch a lot of shows with them present that show the power of appreciation.

reply to post by IPILYA


I honestly think a child needs both parents. I wouldn't want to be deprived of full time parenting of my son. This person has what I consider some major issues. Generalized anxiety type stuff. Not that I am anywhere near perfect myself. I'm trying to make the best of a bad situation. It isn't a live in babysitter thing at all. I try to mitigate the bad example without undermining their relationship. I'm splitting hairs, I know. The arrangement is marginal, at best. This rant is really me whining because I am tired of being treated like crap. I try to leave this person alone as much as possible and limit our interaction to essential issues. Most of our conflict results from this person getting mad at our son and blaming his behavior and their strained relationship on me. He is a straight A student, in band, sports, and church youth group. Somehow, that isn't good enough. When he doesn't get 100% on a test, or do every little thing he's told immediately and without question, or he talks back, there is an escalation of emotion that takes place so rapidly it is hard to fathom. I try to be the voice of reason, speaking calmly and encouraging resolution, but I am ignored until it gets out of control, then I am blamed for the mess.

Oh poor me. I have my own quirks as well. I could be more patient, I'm sure. I'm trying to hold out another 6 years until my son turns 18 and goes to college.

Sounds like this other person may need some counseling (not that I really think counselors have answers...it's just that sometimes, hearing it from someone outside of the situation helps them realize the truth of the matter).

Personally, there have been times when I was out of work, and my wife was working, and vice-versa. In both cases, the one working had certain expectations of the one staying home.

The one staying home would:
1) Look for work
2) Ensure the house stayed clean
3) Have dinner ready when the other came home

We don't have kids, but if we did, then yes, that'd be there too.
So yes, when it was me out, I made sure dinner was ready when she came home.

The time she was out for almost a year, it was actually nice to come home to a cooked meal, so I know she appreciated when I did the same for her for a couple of months.

I'd have to agree that this person seems to be taking advantage of the situation. He/she should be very grateful that he/she had you to lean on in a time of need...

Still, that's a LONG time to be out of a job, and indicative of the person really not looking for it.

reply to post by Icarus Rising


I can not presume to understand your motives and reasons for the choices you make, but I do understand that critical thinking is developed or not in the home. It sounds to me that this 12 year old is being pushed into a lot of responsibility and pressure to be what he is expected to be rather than making the life choices for himself(age limited of course), we(Parents) always want what is best for our children and we tend to push them to be better than we were or are. A child learns from repetitive actions or occurrences for the most part(except in the event of trauma ie physical and mental) and the adult is generally a mirror of their upbringing and personal education(where ever that may come from). Love, compassion, and understanding are of the utmost importance, without them, the child does not take them into the their later life and thus to their children. The question still remains what type of Adult are you wishing to raise?

reply to post by IPILYA


Resilient. Considerate. Motivated. Caring. Aware. Thoughtful. Tough. Strong. Sincere. Understanding. Nimble. Adroit....