Suicidal Tendencies.

I have had enough of the self indulgent ,selfish ,suicidal ramblings of a good friend,I started offering help and a way out of his predicament.A new start if you will ,a chance to pick up the pieces and turn his life around,but No ,always an excuse not to break out of the routine,to scared to leave the box ,rather just wallow in his own self pity.
Now i have become cold to his struggle ,i'm over it.I feel used for showing compassion and dont care anymore to the point where i just think i might tell him to stop talking about it and just get on with it.He is obviously depressed ,and i know how depression can be like a virus that spreads through your body and just eats away at any self worth.But what can you say to these people?.Should i be cold and heartless or just swallow my pride and keep crawling ,telling him how things will be better,Things always get better.

reply to post by 12voltz


maybe suggest some inspirational reading / meditation / music etc.

You already know the answer, it lies in your heart. What you're looking for is not the answer, it is justification. Stay strong, someone needs you.

reply to post by 12voltz


The last thing your friend needs is for you to turn your back on him, sometimes when people are depressed their pain can be to unbearable to live even if we don't understand it. I lost an uncle and a cousin to suicide and i just wish i was there for them more than i was.

Bottom line, your "friend" is a human being suffering, I know it may sound preachy but help your friend. If you can't directly help your friend yourself, find someone who can.
Don't turn your back, please? How would you cope yourself if your friend did go through with it in reality and you knowing you had turned your back?

Depression is bad, real bad, been there myself on 15 minute suicide watch in a hospital, now I'm happy to say I'm over the moon with happiness in my life.

Don't give up on them, don't let them give up.

reply to post by 12voltz


That's awesome that you offered a way out of the bad situation for your friend
...as far as being cold to them or give hope how about a little of both. Something to the effect of yes ___________ sucks but if you _________ eventually things will get better (list how) and that's what you want right? Or do you want to stay in this funk you're in? So suck it up and lets get things going well for you again.
Of course that's just my opinion.

reply to post by 12voltz


About 2 years a girl friend of mine called me and asked me to lunch. I kinda blew her off because she always had some drama going on and I just wasn't in the mood. A week later her mother called me and told me that my friend of 15 yrs had killed herself. She rented a hotel room and took an overdose of pills. I have never felt so horrible..I should have went to that lunch..I had no idea she had developed a pill addiction. She wasn't that kind of person..or that's what I thought. I have and always will regret not going to lunch that day when she asked me.

I say do what you can and suggest they get help, take them to the help..so you won't live with regret like me coco

The effects of Mood Disorder on an individual's life can be profound and devastating. The DSM-III-R list of symptoms make this clear: behavioral, cognitive, physiological, and emotional consequences are all an aspect of the Mood Disorders. In addition, there are often relationship difficulties, occupational problems, and substance abuse. The potential and most tragic consequence is self-destruction. (Depression is certainly not the only cause of suicide - Suicide is also clearly associated with Schizophrenia, substance abuse, and some of the personality disorders

Link: ccvillage.buffalo.edu...

reply to post by 12voltz



A hard place to be.

TELLING your friend anything won't do any good. It comes across as trite and hollow. Simply showing them a path out does not always do good as they can be imprisoned as surely as anyone locked away, by their own mind, fears, or some outside influence.

Depression is not just a chemical imbalance, it's a sign that something is wrong in one's life - in my humble opinion. Don't give up, but I wouldn't bleeding-heart all over it myself. DISCLAIMER - this could be entirely the wrong advice - but, I would point blank it. "Look, I know this is messed up - but it's not the end of the world and you have a way out. I love you, but you need to make a change. Change IS an option. Right now you're caught up in the crap, but you have to realize the crap is a small part of all there is. There is truth and beauty, and you simply have to look past whatever's got you locked where you're at, realize there is something better, and move to it."

You can't keep feeding it, but you can't simply disregard or ignore it, either - that's a quick way to observe a suicide from close quarters. If you have any sort of authority with this friend to get them moving, you might have to, for lack of a better term and I don't mean physically, drag their behind out to make a change. Delicate touch required though.

Sorry, friend, you're on a tightrope here - but it's one you cannot ignore unless you're willing to possibly see this person go. Depression sucks, been there, and if you can't get out on your own, you need some tough *love* to get you out.

There is a very fine line between helping and enabling, even for those with the best of intentions.

Sometimes the best way to help someone is to simply remove yourself and wait until he/she hits rock bottom and be there for him/her when they do...and IF he/she wants your help at that point.

If you really feel this person is serious and in imminent danger of killing himself/herself, contact this persons' parents, relatives, etc., or if that's not possible, contact a hospital, suicide hotline, and/or police.

Once that is done, don't look back and be confident that you did everything you could do.

Yes, it all reads a lot easier than it actually is, however, sometimes the best thing you can do, given what you've already done, is to now save yourself.

reply to post by itscocobaby


*hug*

We've all done this on some level or another at least once in our lives, even if it was just trivial in the end. Learn the lesson and move forward - don't hang on to guilt or regret as it profits you nothing if you've already learned what you can from it.

Originally posted by itscocobaby
reply to post by 12voltz

 

About 2 years a girl friend of mine called me and asked me to lunch. I kinda blew her off because she always had some drama going on and I just wasn't in the mood. A week later her mother called me and told me that my friend of 15 yrs had killed herself. She rented a hotel room and took an overdose of pills. I have never felt so horrible..I should have went to that lunch..I had no idea she had developed a pill addiction. She wasn't that kind of person..or that's what I thought. I have and always will regret not going to lunch that day when she asked me.

I say do what you can and suggest they get help, take them to the help..so you won't live with regret like me coco

The effects of Mood Disorder on an individual's life can be profound and devastating. The DSM-III-R list of symptoms make this clear: behavioral, cognitive, physiological, and emotional consequences are all an aspect of the Mood Disorders. In addition, there are often relationship difficulties, occupational problems, and substance abuse. The potential and most tragic consequence is self-destruction. (Depression is certainly not the only cause of suicide - Suicide is also clearly associated with Schizophrenia, substance abuse, and some of the personality disorders

Link: ccvillage.buffalo.edu...

edit on 19-4-2011 by itscocobaby because: Changed wording

I'm really glad you edited out the first ignorant part of your post.

PS: i gave you out a star by mistake, scratch that.

Originally posted by 12voltz
Should i be cold and heartless or just swallow my pride and keep crawling ,telling him how things will be better,Things always get better.

time heals.. possibly something like a recent failure at something like a relationship has triggered his tendency to be depressed to go into a larger downward spiral?

one thing that helps immensely in this sort of situation is being proud of something you've done productively which other people value deeply.

does he have any talents? or interests which might be improved upon? hobbies? creative outlets? music? art? building things?

help him to WANT to be proactive.. not just forcing him.. give him some simple things that may entice his curiosity into something he may like to do...

finding a passion in something you actually excell in can do WONDERS..

also.. exercise .. getting the blood flowing to flush out toxic buildup.. and increase hormonal endorphin levels is an obvious anser.. get his body moving even if it's just a short walk..
also getting SUNLIGHT on his skin .. some vitamin D... can CHANGE the DAY...
and obviously .. eating well and getting enough water..
these are basic starters.. to help things out.

maybe a fast? (remember when fasting toxins begin to get flushed out with the water you drink.. and can cause further depression.. just for a few days.. but then when the body is cleared.. your spirits rise exceptionally...

these things are guaranteed to work to at least get him out of the "life's not worth living" mindset.

believe me... I've been there.. talking from experience here.

wish you the best of luck...

P.S. (also get others to help .. so it's not just all on your shoulders..)

-

reply to post by AxlJones


It was..when I read it..I was disappointed with myself..you can take your star back..I'll still like you

reply to post by Praetorius


Thank you for the hug, but I can never really put it behind me..she needed me and she was reaching out to me. I was really the selfish one for not responding to her pain..shame on me I deserve it..coco

I agree with lpowell above. You ARE being used. It's NOT your fault. You are not required to see this person through a personal emotional crisis. If you keep putting up with it, you become a co-dependant. So here's a suggestion. Do a tiny bit of research and ferret out the local suicide prevention line or crisis clinic. Most cities have something like this. Every county has a county health department that has some sort of crisis intervention capability. Next time your friend starts off on this you sit him/her down and say,

"Look. I also have emotions. I have "inadequacies" and times when I don't feel good about life. You are now using up too much of my quota of emotional energy and you don't seem to want to do anything about it. My own personal goal is to lead an emotionally healthy life. You are making that difficult for me to do. So here. Here are some numbers for the crisis clinic, etc. You need a professional counselor and I am NOT a professional counselor. I don't know what you should do. Go see them. Let them help you."

Then find some new friends yourself. The healthiest thing you can do for yourself is to stay away. You are being hit with emotional blackmail.

reply to post by 12voltz

I have had enough of the self indulgent ,selfish ,suicidal ramblings of a good friend,I started offering help and a way out of his predicament.A new start if you will ,a chance to pick up the pieces and turn his life around,but No ,always an excuse not to break out of the routine,to scared to leave the box ,rather just wallow in his own self pity.

He must not really be that good a friend then. It may seem like he doesn't want to change, but maybe he is scared of a change and he maybe trying to figure out a way of asking for help from a good friend. Which would be you. Some people that have problems are more scared of what is in their future and would rather feel safe and not address a change. I would say you need to sit this person down and explain how you feel and you may be surprised of the outcome. He needs a friend thru these hard times not someone that is just gonna turn their back on them. That's just my thoughts.

Thanks for all the replies ,I have tried helping him but to no avail.He lives a couple of days driving away from me a,so at the moment all i can offer is telephone help,but You know ,whenever i call him he just says things like i cant talk at the moment.I started off with some text messages but it's not the same as being face to face where i could talk properly.I have lost about 6 friends to the black dog and most of those ,they didnt show any signs they were about to top themselves.I dont want to lose this friend as we have been through a lot of good times together.
I will add that he as an addiction and i lose patience with self inflicted pain.Thanks again and all advice is appreciated.

reply to post by itscocobaby


And beating yourself up about it for the rest of your life will do no good.

If you ever read the Wheel of Time, this will make sense to you - you had toh. You've beat yourself up about it and paid the price already. There is much Ji in learning the lesson and moving forward. Only pride of self and suffering in lingering on it forever.

Be well, sister. Just remember and do better next time.

reply to post by prevenge


Oh yeah there is long list of trouble over the last couple of years,.I asked to him to come and stay with me on numerous occasions ,because the environment he lives in is not conducive to any happiness.Basically i have had enough of his refusal to help himself,so i am pretty much over it,but the only way to know if he is serious is for him to dangle from a rope.

If your friend is grieving, you need to be there for as long as it takes. Period.

If this is simply "poor me" syndrome, then I suggest you take him/her to a place like we have in Canada called Ronald McDonald House, where they take care of families who going through cancer treatments. She/he can help wipe the vomit off the faces of small children who are suffering the ravages of chemotherapy. Or perhaps serve lunch at a homeless shelter and give out blankets to those who have nothing but the clothes on their backs. The ONLY way to gain self esteem is to help others gain their dignity.

My husband went through a phase where he constantly complained and felt sorry for himself because of having to take so many pills every day after his heart "event" . I said sweetie, I love those pills...they gave me my husband back.

My motto : Live Gratefully !