Did I make the wrong decision?

I am really looking for some honest responses to the choices I made recently. I will do my best to describe the situation in accurate detail.

About 6 months ago, I quit my job after an incident with my boss. To explain what happened, first I must tell you that my wife and I lost our baby 4 years ago when she was 20 months pregnant. We have been unable to have children and it was a miracle that we concieved in the first place, so the loss was very tramatic for both of us. It is something that is on our minds every day. It is not something I normally talk about, but my boss was very aware of the situation.

The incident that led to me quitting my job started on a Friday night. I was the manager for a production facility and I was responsible for about 60 employees. One of the girls that worked for me was 7 months pregnant and had worked for me for almost a year. She came to me in the middle of her shift complaining of stomach pains. She said that she had not felt these before and she needed to go home. I sent her home for the rest of the night and told her to call me on Monday if she did not feel better. The following Monday my boss(the owner of the company), asked me why I let her go home early. He had always been suspicious of any employee calling in sick on a Friday. I reminded him that she was 7 months pregnant and I would not feel terrible if I kept her at work and something happened to the baby. He looked at me in the eyes and said that I was over sensitive to the "baby thing" and that he just did not give a ____. This is not an exaggeration. These were his exact words. I did not respond at the time, but about 2 hours later it had bothered me so much that I walked out on the job without saying a word to him.

When I got home, I felt better than I had in a long time. I had worked there for 3 years and he had been verbally abusive to all of us the entire time I was there and long before. I had been able to put up with it in the past, but when it got personal, I just could not take it anymore. My wife supported my decision and she understands.

It has now been 6 months and I am still unemployed. At least twice that I know of, I was about to be hired only to have my boss badmouth me when they called for a reference. On one occasion, I was given an offer only to be called in 3 days before I was to start and asked what happened at my last job. I refused to speak badly of him and they told me that one of us was an a__hole and they needed to find out who. Since I refused to speak badly of him, they assumed I was the problem and recinded my offer. Another time I was in the final stages when the hiring manager mentioned that she knew my boss from the local trade organization for the industry and she would call him. I never heard back from them. I have even tried 6 temp agencies but they all call for references and I never hear back.

It felt really good to stand up for myself and not be bullied by my boss anymore, but now I am facing foreclosure and I cannot pay my bills. My wife has been very supportive but she is stressed out and it kills me that it is my fault that she is stressed. I realize that many people are struggling with job loss and reduced income, but I put myself in this position. I am a firm believer that we learn from our struggles, but so far all I have learned is that it is better to keep my mouth shut and suffer than to stand up for what I believe in. I do believe in God and that he has a plan for me, but I can't help but feel like I screwed this up and I don't know what I am supposed to gain from this. I take full responsibility for my actions, but it has caused my marriage and my health to suffer.

Was I wrong to walk away from this situation or should I have stayed in it for the money? I would really value an honest and sincere opinion. If I can provide any details that may make this clearer, let me know.

Money doe's not buy everything my friend..It sure doe's not buy happiness..In all honesty I think you made a good decision..I would have made the same,..I had a great job.. I chose my own hours, I chose my clients, Hell I even chose my pay..But in the end I walked away from it for similar reasons..Good call

If your not happy in life..then whats the point.. I have always said if you need a lesson on how to live..Then you mine as well have never been born to begin with.

As for your choice I think made the right one,buddy. Wish there were more people like you who would stand up for what they believe in...for their morals.

You can't put a price on someones life and if something had to happen to that ladies baby you'd feel guilty for the rest of your life. I wish there was a hell for jerks like your boss,though.

Anyz, I wish you the best of luck. I hope you find a job soon. God knows you deserve it

reply to post by TechVampyre


It's only a good call if you can live with the results. Myself I would have done the same IF I wasn't married. Once I put that ring on my finger I actively made the decision that life simply isn't about ME anymore, it's US. Personally I think the better approach would be talking to someone in HR (if the company has one at all) as simply walking out probably wasn't the best approach, it's rather unprofessional.

I'm in no way agreeing with your boss, that guy needs a kick to the side of the head. I'm saying as an adult in the work environment, you probably should have filed a complaint.

times are tough and having some douche giving you bad references isn't going to help you with that, but at least you have your principles right? That's more than most people have.

tough call

Wait.. Wait... I read the first few lines of your thread until I came to 20 months pregnant???

I noticed that and assumed he meant 2 months. If she lost the baby at 20 months that's more like losing a two year old, and also quite impossible.

In my opinion, you made the right choice. Maybe walking out like that hurt your references, but that seems to be the only thing keeping you from finding a new job. It sounds like you had the opportunity to call your old boss an ass hole, but didn't. Next time, instead of reserving your right to call someone an A-hole, just be honest about the situation - it'll pass off much better than silence.


It sounds like you have confrontation problems. The up-side is you are not overly confrontational, your problem is easier to work on - that I know is true.

Keep trying to find a job, more than ever. Don't lose that place. And if you do, you still have her. She seems to be very supportive of you, and it sounds like the both of you have been through much worse than unemployment.

Good luck brother. Remember, next time they want to hear from your old boss - tell them the straight story.

reply to post by phishyblankwaters


yeah no kidding.

I got that. Sure he meant 2 months.

Sorry to hear about your situation.

In principle, I think you did the right thing, but any potential employer has a right to know who they're hiring, and with the numerous possible applications for whatever jobs are on offer, they probably have neither the time or inclination to do too much in the way of investigation as to whether you're a suitable employee or not, when there are other applicants to consider.

In your position, I think I would tell them about your ex boss, but in a very carefully constructed way, so as not to give the impression that you are in any way the type of person your ex boss seems to be describing you as.
I would try to phrase my criticism in such a way as to appear to be the one who is in control, and reasonable, compared to the behaviour of your ex boss.
I have done similar things in the past, to my own detriment, though not with the same degree of repercussions as you are experiencing.

I'm no expert in these matters by the way, I just feel for you, having had similar employee/boss relations in the past.

I'm now self employed.

All the best anyway.

You're in the green man, don't worry about it because everything has happened for a reason.
Perhaps it is time for you to not worry about worldly possessions and money anymore.
This world is going thru so many changes right now and in the end there will be no more need for the things that our minds have been forced a custom to over the centuries.
You and all will find peace soon.
Take care and keep fighting for what you believe in because those who dont, will fade into the darkness.
Love and light friends.

reply to post by joeandandi


see, this is where the "law" proves it is nothing more than a curtailment of decency. that business owner should be beaten to the point of drinking through a straw for the rest of his life. these rich, privileged a-holes are the root of the problem in the world.

vigilante justice is justified in many cases, this is one of them.

Originally posted by phishyblankwaters
reply to post by TechVampyre

 

It's only a good call if you can live with the results. Myself I would have done the same IF I wasn't married. Once I put that ring on my finger I actively made the decision that life simply isn't about ME anymore, it's US. Personally I think the better approach would be talking to someone in HR (if the company has one at all) as simply walking out probably wasn't the best approach, it's rather unprofessional.

I'm in no way agreeing with your boss, that guy needs a kick to the side of the head. I'm saying as an adult in the work environment, you probably should have filed a complaint.

times are tough and having some douche giving you bad references isn't going to help you with that, but at least you have your principles right? That's more than most people have.

tough call

Wait.. Wait... I read the first few lines of your thread until I came to 20 months pregnant???

I noticed that and assumed he meant 2 months. If she lost the baby at 20 months that's more like losing a two year old, and also quite impossible.

edit on 9-3-2011 by phishyblankwaters because: (no reason given)

edit on 9-3-2011 by phishyblankwaters because: (no reason given)

In my case it was slightly different, I worked for myself as a Personal trainer..But it just always felt wrong to me..To charge people a fortune to learn the knowledge I had to be healthy..Just never seemed fair..That's why I left the field..

Now I give out my information for free, have a steady job, Take care of the family..And have never been happier..Thus, being the reason behind my response.. If you are not happy in life..You damn sure better change it..Because every minute we sit around and procrastinate..Is another minute we will never get back..Every decision small or big effects our life's in the long run..Just remember that..

reply to post by joeandandi


I see another reader pointed at the 20 months of pregnacy. Sorry to hear about this loss.

I for one think you made the right decision (if your representation of fact isn't crippled by self-delusion, something we always must ask ourselves).

Good luck dealing with the unwanted consequences. I'm not a believer (no god here) so I can't add a sentence that contains words that might bring temporary comfort but aren't "true" (in the logical sense)... some who do believe tell me that if you do the right thing - hard as it might be - you'll be rewarded (I stopped asking them who's going to reward.... and who's going to determine good vs evil). But if you recognize this line of story-telling, maybe you can do something with it that offers you some comfort. We all deserve that from time to time.

reply to post by TechVampyre


inspiring personal story that touches stuff that influences my professional activities as well. I'm not a personal coach, but I do mentor entrepreneurs. Deep inside of me I never understood why people would pay me filthy amounts of money to hear me say the most obvious things.
I stopped wondering about it as soon as I realized that refusing their money affects the perception they have about you (remember: we people are soooo stupid that we keep on believing that the more you pay, the better the stuff is you get) and that they offered the money to someone even more incompetent then myself.
So I decided to take their money, and offer free advice to the few really deserving it. And I'm the judge.

Thanks for all of the comments and suggestions. Our company did not have an HR rep so I did not have anyone else to go to. I know I could have probably handled it better/differently but emotions got the better of me. ZGiven his behavior in the past with other employees, I do not think he would have responded favorably if I had tried to talk it out with him. I made the choice and I have to accept the consequences, but I hate that my wife also has to suffer. That is the part that bothers me the most.

It would have been nice if you were able to find another job before you left that one, but sometimes we have to draw the line. Which you did, and I wish more people would, en masse. It helps that you have a wife who understands principle. I walked out of a job years ago to be self employed. It has been a roller coaster ride to be sure. But I'm happier than I ever was in the work force. You made a tough decision. And I applaud you for being able to do so. But there are rewards and consequences that come with it.

One thing I would like to mention though. If you can get one potential employer to admit that he talked condescendingly about you, you may have a lawsuit. Or if you can get him to admit it. There is a fine line here, but if he crossed it, you've got him. I spent many years in management. I was very cautious in talking with employers who called for references on past employees for this very reason.

I refused to speak badly of him and they told me that one of us was an a__hole and they needed to find out who. Since I refused to speak badly of him, they assumed I was the problem and recinded my offer.

This one has potential. If an attorney can get them to repeat it. And add to it.

You made the right decision...life is hard...I would want not want to work for a prick like that...Use someone who liked you on the resume , from your company...Know one thing this is all part of a bigger plan,don't worry in the end it all works out... You will find something better.... You will look back at this someday and realize the answer to why...


Peace,
Z

An important decision like quitting a job are best made with a clear mind and calm emotions. If you would have waited 48 hours, and then reviewed the situation, things might have panned out differently.

If any lesson is to be learned, it is to try and avoid making decisions in the heat of the moment when the mind is strongly influenced by emotions.

If I were your prospective employer, I would be concerned about the possibility of you walking out on the job for a similar emotive reason. It may be best if you were completely up front when you apply for a new job, let them know that you made a rash decision based on emotions, but that you have learned your lesson. Don't forget, the new employer can find out the details from your old one, so it is better that they get the full story from you first.

Good luck with your job hunt in the future.

I can understand a potential employer being concerned about me making a quick decision based on emotion. I actually have a pretty thick skin, but that is one area that I am sensitive about. I usually tell potential employers that my former employer and I just had a different method of doing things. I'm not sure if it would be a good idea to go into detail with them about what happened.

reply to post by joeandandi


You were brave and right to ditch the fool's enterprise but you cheated yourself by not leaving in a way that would have helped you keep employed. You should have started looking for a new job from that job and then left. It is much harder to find a job from a place of being unemployed and you gave him the opportunity to muck up your life by quiting in an unprofessional manner.

Live and learn. Try to find a Christian in our line of work and go to him or her. Tell them what happened and see if they can help you line up work. You can talk to ministers in the area for help.

reply to post by joeandandi


You should have not omitted when they asked what happened, you should have told the truth, what you are telling us now, I'm sorry for criticizing your decisions, I know it doesn't help at all, but I feel like I need to tell you to always tell the truth.

And about your problem, don't worry, for everything bad that happens, something good always come.

Wish you well my friend, ATTN Mb

i probably would have done the same thing. Unfortunatly faceing the threat of losing my home would have made me think otherwise...

It would have been better to ignore him and go about your business if you are the one that supports the family...

Something will come up though have faith...

Remember money makes the world turn, theres no way to avoid the need for it... its just how the world works.