My flaws seem to be ruining my relationship :(

Oz,

Interesting post you have made here. You and I don't see the same on many things and I see you as having the cart put in front of the horse on many things.

Whisper Nippets makes some good points on her post on page 2 of this thread. Her point are pretty much what I was thinking with a few additions. By her posts ..I perceive that Whisper Nippets has some experience in life..she has been around the block a few times and learned.

What you are doing is what I call...."Trying out" Like trying out for the soccer team..baseball team..etc. Trying out to make the cut.

Also be very careful as to for what you try out. Most women want a ready made man ..not a project. This should be a warning sign to you. When a woman tells me that she thought of leaving a couple of times before because of my flaws...I no longer get all shaken up. I tell her ..there is the door ..don't let it hit you on the way out.
I also ask myself whether she is sitting on the only one in town for me? What is she offering of real intrinsic value that I cannot get more or better from someone else..would I even want to??

I am not interested in being some women's equal. Most of the women I know ..do not want to be equal with me nor to the things I do to get through life's hurdles. Get a clue Oz.

I don't know what your skills and talents are in life..but by reading the tenor of your posts...you come across as very feminine....controllable. Ask yourself a question if you are even able. With all your flaws ..what does this woman see in you that she cannot get more and better from someone else??
What do you see in her that you cannot get more and better yourself?? Are you that insecure in yourself that you need to spend alot of time trying out for approval??? In trying out ..you are no longer yourself.???

A man who knows..also knows how to lead a woman..not follow or have her leading you. Do you even understand this difference???

A man who knows how to lead a woman can get her to understand that the place in which he chooses to stay or lay his hat...is a place of Peace...not just Piece. Do you even understand this concept??

Peace..where he is safe and protected from the outside world and she is an important part of being protected and safe from the outside world. A place where he is happy to return and the outside world loses it's luster and shine/hold on his soul. She works/labors to make him protected. She does not put him last behind all that she believes and expects. If she does not protect him in this manner ...he will never know Peace..only her standards and beliefs.

If you have to constantly try out for her approval ...you will never know Peace..only Piece..until she tires of your "trying out."

This means she tires of your insecurities.

I agree with Whisper Nippets...she sounds insecure and must needs express this by projecting her insecurities on you to get you to "Try Out." Then she covers her motives by saying she thought about leaving you a couple of times in order to solidify her power and control over you to test your willingness to "try out" for her approval or control.

This is how it is done with many women..not all but many. Is she older than you Oz???

I am not saying that you should not have discipline or control over your life and how you live...you most certainly should. Just remember something here...most women are not interested in teaching you all this ...just to lose you to the next woman. So why does she tell you she thought she would leave you ..to lose you to the next woman??? Most women are not that noble Oz..for all that matter..neither do most men teach this to women just to lose them to the next man. Understand??

Oz..there is nothing wrong with being emotional..just learn real discipline in your emotions and conduct in life. Life is hard work and so too are relationships.

Learn to lead Oz...lead..not be lead all the time.
I am not saying to dominate..I am saying to Lead. A well bread and thoughtful woman knows this instinctively about a man. A woman interested in equality does not. This is why I say you are very feminine Oz.

Think it through Oz..a man who can lead...is a man who knows how to take serious RISKS in and for life. How many women do you know...who want to lead and then also take serious RISKS in life, then turn over their production earned at RISK to a man for his consumption levels?? I don't know of many ..even and especially among women of "equality."

If you are not perceptive and understanding ..you are setting yourself up to take first place RISKS in life and come in second, third, or worst place.

You may believe in equality .but if what you are posting here is true.about her.. she doesn't believe in it.
I don't doubt that you love her Oz..I am just saying be careful and perceptive..beyond your emotions and insecurities.
We can often love people who are bad for us Oz.
Learn Oz..and learn to discipline your emotions.

Lead..learn to lead.

My dear Oz.. I dont like this development.

Youve gotten some great advise here, be yourself above all. When you find a real love, "flaws" arent flaws anymore from either ones perspective. You love the person.. you love the whole person.

Im very far from perfect, quirky, and a real loner... IE not one of these folks that pretends they liek to be alone. I prefer to be left alone and am not overly social by choice. My husband is not perfect, quirky, and NOT a real loner. LOL! Somehow it works and we hardly disagree and I cant recall the last real fight we had. Married since 1992. You have to be YOURSELF as so many have said. No airs, no good behavior, no games. Hubby and I left a bunch of pissed off folks in our wake until we found eachother.. we're BOTH the love me or leave me type. Dont try to please her.. if what youre doing naturally as being yourself isnt enough, she may need something else as much as you do. Here is the question though... ARE you being yourself? Is she really being herself? May just be a matter of immaturity.


Now in my world, my husband cant cook or clean. WHen I met him I knew what I was getting right away. He survived on frozen burritos and I swear I saw peepee on the wall by the toilet. he was physically clean, but the man was in need of ME. I dont even ask him to help out with the cleaning and I was recently in a BAD car wreck.. I begged him NOT to help me out.. Id get to it when I was well. He took it upon himself to do our laundry, and now I have whites in all kinds of shades of pinks and blues. I couldnt say anyting to him as he did it cause he loved me... I KNEW what I was getting when I married him. I just kissed him and thanked him for the work he did. Like I said.. I knew what I was getting, how could I ever fault him? She KNOWS what she was getting when she got involved with you. WHy is she so displeased now all of a sudden?

I see a big fat red flag with her daring to tell you that she'd have left someone like you already in the past. Im telling you, if I were you and she said that to me.. Id have said dont let the door hit you on the way out. What a way to undermine a relationship more than to place fear and doubt in the other person.. which SHE DID on purpose with those words. Not good my friend.


From here on out.. be yourself. She can take it or leave it. Regardless of your love for her, you may miss out on real love that can be reciprocated if you arent struck in a relationship with someone who does not return your love and acceptance. You can NOT love someone without accepting that they too are a flawed and imperfect human. if she demands perfection and to be constantly in a state of blliss with another human being... she needs a reality check.

You know where I am if you need me

Without reading all the answers:

1. You cannot change another person. Don't try because you will be disappointed. This is true of your partner as well.

2. If either of you feel contempt for the other, it's over and just a matter of time. This has been proven over and over again with longitudinal studies. Look up Pepper Schwarz, for example, and see the work she has done.

3. On the neatness issue, my wife and I share the same propensity for neatness. Our daughter says it's a good thing we got together so we didn't wreck to other ppeople's lives. If she can't stand your lack of neatness, you may as well leave now.

4. Be your best for your partner. Look your best. Staying home a day or two does not mean you stop shaving. It's for her. If you're frumpy, you're not attractive.

Hope these little things help. I'm over 60 and been thru this stuff more than once.

reply to post by OzWeatherman


2 things OZ:

"Warts 'n all" and "acceptance".

Your lady must accept you for who you are regardless of the things she doesn't like and if she can't do that then it is not just your problem it's hers too.

Seems she's got you thinking negatively about yourself because she is weak when it comes to the acceptance part. There is no perfect world.

The tricky bit is getting her to understand how her attitude could sometimes negatively affect the world around her. Not easy to do as nobody likes being told they are sometimes failing......you are suffering right now because she can't or doesn't want to be part of a solution or take any responsibility for what is ultimately something you share.

I hope you continue to share, but don't be a martyr and suffer for someone elses happiness. I've been there big time and it is very destructive.

I can understand your problem, I have delt with the same kind of issues. The way i see it, since you care about this relationship so deeply, your subconscious could be making you do all that you can to stay in this relationship; this could be causing you to change your actions and way of thinking. This change and way of thinking, could be the real problem in your relationship. If you are not acting like yourself, I could see how there would be a strain in your relationship. My advice is to try to think of the good times you have had in your relationship and not stress out over past mistakes, and try to spend some alone time to relax and collect your thoughts.

I didn't read all of the comments, but from what i saw the most important stuff has been hit upon. Communication and acceptance.

Just remember, all you can do is your best. If she isn't happy with that, then you can't blame yourself for it failing. No woman or man is worth beating yourself up over when you put forth a genuine effort.

Hey OZ! Your problems sound like mine. I'm not exactly in a romantic relationship right now nor have I ever been in my life. But, I don't think you should ever stop thinking about the past. You just shouldn't always dwell upon your past problems. The system that I've recently come up with for me that works well is that I try to focus a bit on the negative and the positive. I always think about what can be improved and I think about the things that have happened that I like. Of course we should be thinking about the past. We should also be thinking about the present-- but think more positively rather than negatively. If you act in negative ways upon your negative instincts the negative outcome will result, but, if you act upon your positive beliefs, more positive actions have a tendency to come true. I also notice a red flag about how she says you are lucky to have her. I wouldn't overlook this, but, hopefully this won't lead to anything bad or anything like that.