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Moral advice needed - Gatecrashing and parents!

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posted on Feb, 25 2011 @ 11:04 PM
My best friend L and I have been in trouble before many years back.
My elderly dad was involved, who has a very set/old school German morality.
I ended paying rent and staying at L and her boyfriend's house.
I eventually found out I was HIV-positive, and I had to move back home.
Since then L got married to her boyfriend, and they moved to a town quite far from myself.

Anyway, L and I have a mutual friend (actually relatives of her husband) and we celebrated his birthday on a wine farm close to me.
She couldn't drive back that evening, so we made an exception, and I called my mum and said she (L) was staying over.
L was supposed to park between the garage door and an automatic gate.
We were trashed when we arrived.
Mum came out with the remote gate-control.
It didn't work.
Meanwhile we heard a loud "BANG" and L had crashed into the gate.

Now my dad wants R260 from her, because it took him four hours in 40-degree heat to fix the gate the next day, but the money is only for the parts she broke.

I offered to pay.
I said she was MY guest, and I'll pay.
But my dad doesn't want it from me, because I didn't drive into his gate.
He wants it from L, and he wants proof that L paid.

It's not a big sum, and L ain't poor.
But - I also feel that since I once lived at their house that couple will close ranks.
I could ruin one of my last real friendships if I get anal about this money.

Who is right, who is wrong?
I don't know.

posted on Feb, 25 2011 @ 11:09 PM
Just give the money to her and let her pay him.

posted on Feb, 25 2011 @ 11:11 PM
I'm going to pay and say it was l as far as possible..
For me hospitality is everything.
But I must still let her know today.

Oh knowwwgrrl.
edit on 25-2-2011 by halfoldman because: (no reason given)

posted on Feb, 25 2011 @ 11:14 PM
However she did drive into the gate.
When she came out the car she was all giggly, and said it was supposed to be a joke.
I actually feel she should pay.
But I just want to avoid conflict.

How far can one go to avoid conflict?

posted on Feb, 25 2011 @ 11:22 PM
I don't know - it's like you're damned if you do; and damned if you don't.
Just trying to get drunk and hope it all blows over.
It can land up in court.

posted on Feb, 25 2011 @ 11:29 PM
Are they those conspiracy parents?

yegads! NO!?

oh lord what will we do?!!

edit on 25/2/2011 by badw0lf because: s makes up the word Esssence.. which makes life... God that chick is hot. scrubs, blonde.. how hotttt

posted on Feb, 25 2011 @ 11:32 PM
reply to post by halfoldman

Well your dad... he may be a hammer and fist kind of dude... but he also wants to teach your friend a lesson... she may be your friend... but it was reckless and careless of her to do such a thing... and I don't know about anyone else... but crashing a gate isnt a jokeable matter where i come from... Did she apologize? Has she ever made an attempt to say she was sorry...

I don't want to bring up issues that may be painful for you... but why did you have to move out of their house? Was it cos you was HIV-Positive? if so that no friend... I say let her pay for it... from her own money...

being drunk is no excuse... cos i been there done that... many times and i've never broke anything... Let her learn this lesson on her own... if not close ties with her... anyways thats my opinion

i wish you luck either way you chose

posted on Feb, 25 2011 @ 11:33 PM
i would offer some advice but i see that you are handling it pretty well on your own

posted on Feb, 25 2011 @ 11:39 PM
If i'm reading this right she had done quite a bit of drinking and still drove you home risking more than a gate . You're the reason she was there in the first place . Time to cowboy up , thank her and slip her the money to pay your father . If it was me , you'd be looking at a long walk home because i don't drive for anyone if i've had a few drinks . I'm not putting my liscence and insurance on the line for anyone , but she did so cowboy up and do the right thing . AIDs has nothing to do with this story . You asked a friend who you knew was drinking to drive you home , and she took the risk and did . Only one choice now , be a man , save a friendship and get your father off her back , or you are a louse .

posted on Feb, 25 2011 @ 11:52 PM
reply to post by bandito

If you knew the Western Cape I could explain.
I live close to Durbanville and she lives lives in Stellenbosch.
I saved her life by begging her not to drive back from here.

edit on 25-2-2011 by halfoldman because: (no reason given)

posted on Feb, 25 2011 @ 11:52 PM
1. Let your friend be responsible for her actions and the consequences... coz that's what Adults do.

2. Your friend is a loser for driving drunk in the first place... a good sober adult friend would have taken the wheel or made you all catch a cab.

3. Get over your issue with your Dad.. it is your issue after all and you need to move past it... which is when you will see the Value of his ways.

4. If your friend does not want to pay then she is no Friend, and never really was.
edit on 25-2-2011 by Tayesin because: dyslexia

posted on Feb, 26 2011 @ 12:23 AM
If everyone is clear on what the truth is and who did what then the solution is simple. You are not seeing the entire point of his request. He is old school, he is trying to teach a lesson to the guilty party, things used to work like this. And it has nothing to do with the money. If the guilty party has apologized, then simply comply with your fathers request and just let him think the money came from the guilty person, that is all he wants. You and your friend can sort the money out amongst yourselves.

posted on Feb, 26 2011 @ 12:23 AM
reply to post by Tayesin

The thing is, just after Christmas my dad grabbed my mum by the throat with his fat fist, and he yanked her by her hair.
He's not normally violent, but something is very wrong with him, and the family knows it.
It caused everybody much stress, and ruined our family holiday.
He just laughs it off.
Not once did he apologize to any of us.
He should have been in jail for assault.
He committed crime with what he did to mum.
So his morality means nothing.
He has no real "morality".
He is known for not being able to control himself.
One moment he's normal, and next moment he turns into a rabid chimpanzee.
I don't know where he gets this self-righteousness, because most people see him as an abuser, and a bully.

edit on 26-2-2011 by halfoldman because: (no reason given)

posted on Feb, 26 2011 @ 12:30 AM
To put is curtly, the public feeling is that he has no reason to be self-righteous.
Firstly his gate didn't work that night, for whatever reason, and secondly, apart from his property, he's not respected by anyone.
People walk on glass around him to avoid violence - but that's not respect.
edit on 26-2-2011 by halfoldman because: (no reason given)

posted on Feb, 26 2011 @ 02:38 AM
reply to post by halfoldman


Despite what you have said about your Dad's recent behaviour.. and how you see that. and adding in the support view from everyone who knows him... it has nothing to do with this particular situation.

So what if the gate did not work? Your friend should not have been driving when Drunk.. Fullstop.

Your friend damaged the gate, so your friend MUST pay for the damage. It's very simple.

If you pay and say your friend did, then you are being a Liar which can be every bit as destructive.

The way forward is right there, just because you hate your Dad for his recent (and past) actions means nothing in this case. Take the higher road, stay Honest.. we need as many honest people in this world as we can get since Dishonesty is so prevalent and expected today.

posted on Feb, 26 2011 @ 03:02 AM
How come when we break a material thing we can pay for it, but when we break a emotional thing all the money in the world won't last.

posted on Feb, 26 2011 @ 08:30 AM

Originally posted by halfoldman
How come when we break a material thing we can pay for it, but when we break a emotional thing all the money in the world won't last.

This is going to sound out there..

The emotional hurt is being held in by us, we cling to it as a way to justify things in our life.

We are afraid to Feel each issue totally, so we suppress it, and it in turn creates symptoms in our lives.

Let me share something I have not told many people....

My father is a Viet Nam veteran, a very changed man to the one who went to that "war". Very violent, very angry and very much full of Pain for what he did while fighting. So my sister and I got flogged every day of our lives, we got punched left right and centre, we watched our Mum get the same treatment and we all Hated him for it.

Many years later, after reading everything I could from people who had been in that "war" and listening to the few who were there that would talk about it, I learned something important about my Dad. It made me sit up and take note of MY holding onto issues from our life.

What I learned was that he had done the best he could in his particular circumstances. And, I understood that no one knows what you would do in the exact same circumtances.

I knew he hated himself even more for hurting us, and I knew he needed forgiveness and understanding instead of our hatred and anger which we Held onto to somehow Make Us Feel Better.

When I really felt empathy for the man I was able to move past the things I was holding onto.. and then I was able to really feel forgivenebss and gave it to him with a soft, long hug and the appropriate words.

He still carries his inner pain from the "war", but he is at least free of me forcing him to hold onto an issue that has no place in the world now. And I am Free of it.

If I can forgive then so can you my friend... and you will love the freedom that comes with it.
edit on 26-2-2011 by Tayesin because: coz I am a silly old git who can't spell anymore

posted on Feb, 26 2011 @ 11:49 AM
That was a great post, thank you very much.

posted on Feb, 26 2011 @ 08:47 PM
You're very welcome.

About the only thing that helps is to be aware in every moment of what we are focusing our thoughts on. You know, if you make yourself have a fearful thought the reaction to it will be to Feel fear. And if we don't take control of our focus, the energy of fear joins with the instigating thought to create "Mind Stories" with all sorts of unpleasant possibilities, and Consequences

But, by taking control of what we Focus on, we eliminate the "Stories" and find ourselves being aware in each moment.. and more effectively Seeing what is going on all around us without having to React to any of it.

Thanks for replying

posted on Feb, 27 2011 @ 01:08 PM
Well, after all my stressing it appears my friend admits guilt and has agreed to pay without argument.
I think that sets a new moral tone in my environment.

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