Parental Advice

I am starting this thread because I am going to be a Father come May. My girlfriend and I are having a daughter together and she will be my first child. Because of the fact that I have never raised a kid before, I wanted to ask experienced members for advice regarding discipline.

How were you disciplined? Was it effective? How do you discipline your children? Do you do anything differently from your parents, and has it been effective?

I have seen the divide between people, those who believe that spanking is child abuse, and those who disagree. I would like to have a mature discussion about these topics, and I am particularly interested in the opinions of experienced users. I do not want this to degenerate into arguments about what a child should be or shouldn't be allowed to do, I am more interested in methods of discipline and their effectiveness.

For anyone who may be curious, my relationship with my own parents is complex, and while I could very well discuss a topic like this with my Mother...I would rather not.

Thank you for your input

Mother of 3 here. What works for one child doesn't always work for another. Every child is unique. Any one who argues that one method is better than another can't understand the difference between childrens personalities.

I would have to agree with calstorm on this one. Each and every child has a unique personality that requires different handling as well as taking the child's age into account. The way I discipline my teenage daughter is vastly different to how I discipline my 8 year old son and the sanctions used as part of disciplining them is different.

For example, I might take away all my daughter's electronic gadgets or pocket money for bad behaviour, but my son would take a time out on the stairs and then come and discuss with me why he behaved badly in the first place so as to understand why he was given the time out. Not only that but the sanctions vary from very mild to very strict (like taking away my daughters favourite things because she's almost as stubborn as I am when it comes to admitting she was wrong ) depending on what the nature of the bad behaviour was.

Honestly, nobody can say you should use one method or another because you won't know until your child is old enough to need to be disciplined which method will work for you.

I have never had kids, but a child needs to know a person of authority over them. That does not mean shouting at them or belting them, it means parents should be authoritative over them.

Enough said, if you have any empathy for your kid and the mum of your child, you should know what it means.

Children do need some sort of authority over them, but i am not talking about shouting or hitting them.

Your on a quest to find out what that means. Its something you will have to work out.

Just glad i will never be bringing someone into this world ever.


People do not understand that you can be loving and be authoritative at the same time.

reply to post by dalan.

Congratulations!!!! You'll have plenty of time to figure it out as you go and it comes natural to some degree. I think respect is one of the best traits you can instill in a child. Like others said, what works for one doesn't always work for others, so there's no absolutes in parenting. If you and your GF can be on the same page or close with discipline it's a bonus and less confusing for the child. Me and my ex wife went thru this as we were raised about as opposite as you can get, and it showed in our parenting at times. Best thing you can do is always tell them you love them and be there for them regardless of circumstance.
I have two teenage daughters 14 and 16 and they're all that matters to me at the end of the day. Although, somedays they drive me crazy, I still love em. Good luck.

Thank you for all of your replies. It does seem like raising a child takes wisdom to handle every situation, and child, as something unique. I think I am just terrified of making a mistake, but I do understand that those are just jitters from never doing this before. Although I am very excited about being able to instill in another human being a love and respect for learning. Which is something important to me.

The awesome thing is that you learn with your child. You teach your child, and your child teaches you. Parents make mistakes, its a fact of life, its how you handle those mistakes that counts. Never be afraid to admit that you were wrong, just pick your timing and what things you'll cop to carefully

First off, worry about the baby, not the discipline. That is not coming for a few years.

My priceless advice for babies:

get the book The Happiest Baby on the Block

Then when baby gets to toddler hood, get the Happiest Toddler on the Block, it gives wonderful insight into tantrums, and that it is really just tots wanting to be heard.

And a book that every parent should be required to read: How to raise an emotionally intelligent child by John Gottman.


These books are worth their weight in gold.

Also get the Wonder Weeks, it actually predicts fussy periods and growth spurts.


For teething, use Hylands Teething tablets. Also, buy a bunch of pacififers, squeeze teh nipple under water and fill it up and freeze them. They are great for teething. I discovered that one morning and would change them out when they warmed up. Which is why you need a bunch;. I have had parents come back and thank me for this.

As for discipline, it really depends on the child.

My child, is extremely, loving and sociable and has to be around his people. The worst thing in the world is a time out abd being seperated from people. A spanking hardly phases him.

Some kids are just the opposite.

Always be consistent as a parent,and you wont have to use discipline as much as you think. Once the kid knows you mean business, it takes a count of till 2 for them to do what you want.

Never hit a child in the face. And I would use spankings infrequently.

Also, don't forget to show your child a lot of love, and support ,and give them one on one time. A child that is loved doesnt have a need to act out for attention.

Its the same for children as it is for teens. If they have a good connection with the parents and feel secure, they won't act out that much. Just out of frustration. When you talk to your child, get down on eye level with them, and they feel listened too. Don't get wordy,speak the same amount of words they do. Just because children are undeveloped adults, doesn't mean they don't deserve respect and to be heard. It is not ok to belittle them.

As in the book: how to raise an emotionally intelligent child, the author points out that if you came home, got mad and were telling your spouse why you were mad and they started laughing at you, you would get pretty upset and feel belittled. Just because your child is little, doesn't mean the effect isn't the same. And as cute as they can be when having a fit, hide the laughter, take them seriously. Laugh when they are not looking.

A saying I stick by: Children reflect the upbringing they receive.

You are not raising a child for yourself, you are raising them for a world.

reply to post by dalan.


OH your gonna make them. XD

Make sure you and your wife tune into those parent instincts, they are priceless.

Perfect example:

My baby at one years of age got extremely fussy. Was crying all night, we were miserable. Fevers kept coming and going. My husband wanted to let him cry it out.

I despise crying it out. It is not natural and not right. I refused. I had to fight him hard on it.
Something in my gut kept telling me something was wrong....


A few days later when H was changing a diaper, I hear the panicked name call, my son had a massive abcess that finally showed on his little....um... exit.

It was growing inside where it couldn't be seen. He had to have emergency surgery the next day to drain it. Teh surgeon came out in disbelief and said: poor little guy, that thing was the size of my thumb.

So my son was in pain. So as parents we would of abandoned him to suffer by himself.

listen to your gut, and read those books.

reply to post by dalan.


I feel for you. Raised two kids myself, now raising two more. When I was a small child, I was beaten with a belt, or a razor strap. I still have scars. I didn't spank my children after age 5, preferring the psychological method instead. Make them feel guilty. I have but three rules for my kids, a son and a daughter.

1. Go to school every day, and do the best you can do.
2. Never, ever, come with a cop, or call me from a police station, unless you have been in car wreck.
3. Be home by dark, or whenever I tell you to be home.

My kids grew up to be wonderful, loving adults, my daughter did not have sex until she was married, her choice, not exactly mine, she is General Manager at a Bob Evans, my son is an accomplished automotive engineer, he runs his own repair garage. Neither have ever been arrested. Both have partaken of the noble weed since childhood. Neither one drinks, except socially.

Be the framework your child grows up in. You don't need to worry about much of anything at this point, except to work towards a schedule. Be flexible with your newborn, It will come with time.

Enjoy your little one - they grow up fast. Mine's all grown up now.