ATS Unleashed: Joke of the Week!

Originally posted by Arrius

Originally posted by Korg Trinity

Hmmm it appears we can't post anything that is funny since most things that are funny contain some sexual reference or profanity....

Looks like ATS or BTS is not the place for jokes....

This thread is shaping up to be a dangerous one to post in. Look at all the warns and post edits

Korg.

Are you saying my PG joke was not funny? *sobs*

Yeah, I thought it'd be OK to post a non-PG joke here, but I realize I cannot. And I can understand why the mod issued warnings about this, and I respect that. But I agree with you, most jokes I find funny contain non-PG stuff.....Oh well....

Neither of us posted a joke...which is what this thread is about...watch out, we could get a "off-topic" warning right here...

edit on 19-11-2010 by Arrius because: (no reason given)

Hmmmm... can't have that can we... O.k. to ratify all rules placed here... Here is the funniest joke I can think of...

There was this [snipping] [snipper] and she always used to [snip] thier husbands brother's [snip]. When one day the brother said [snipping] [snip] you [snip] my [snipper]... to which she replied [snip]....

LoL

Korg.

Just saw all the warns etc,so better to be safe than sorry.

A blonde phones to Microsoft for help. The employee asks:
- What is your problem?
(Blonde) - I can not connect to the internet.
(Assistant) - ok. You know the password?
(Blonde) - Yeah, I saw it when my friend was sitting earlier in the computer.
(Assistant) - Good. And what is your password;
(Blonde) - Six stars!

Kinda funny tho, one of the jokes that was snipped out was told over the air...

A guy walks into a bar...

::snip::

....and the bartender says, not in my bar you dont!!!

LMFAO, BEST joke I've EVER heard!!!

Q. What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
A. Wheres my tractor?

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A man walks into a bar
He's an alcoholic and it's ruining his family

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A Christian, A Muslim and a Jew walk into a bar.
Sadly, our world is so filled with hate and prejudice that this is a hypothetical situation that only happens in the setup for a joke.

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Q. What did Batman say to Robin before he got into the car?
A. Robin, get in the car.

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Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. Chickens know nothing of roads or Chickens; these are human concepts, hence whoever saw the chicken cross the road made it do so by applying human labels to things of which they only have limited understanding.

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Q. What did the barstool say to the bartender?
A. Nothing, barstools are inanimate objects and therefore cannot speak.

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Q. Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh go down in a plane crash. Who does god save?
A. America

reply to post by HomerinNC


John Lennon imagined a world filled with peace and love. Martin Luther King dreamed of a world free of racial discrimination and oppression. Walter Fredrick dreamed of a world filled with people throwing round flying disc's at each other in order to pass time... He succeeded!

A crazy wannabe alien walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder and the bartender says "WOA where in the world did you get that thing??"
The parrot replies......"abovetopsecret.com"

Guy is walking down the street with a pig on a leash.. Guy walks up to them and says
" Where'd you get him?"
Pig says, "I won him at the fair"

Priest is teaching about Jesus to a bunch of derilects.... Starts easy question..
"Who knows what Easter is?"
One hand comes up"Easter is when they put all the presents around the tree."
Priest"Nope that's Xmas."
Priest"Who know what Easter is?"
Another hand"Easter is when they take the turkey and everyone sits around to say thanks"
Priest:"Nope that's Thanksgiving"
Getting angry Priest says "ANYBODY KNOW?"
Back of the room a hand comes up..
"Easter is when they take jesus christ and they nail him to a cross...then they take him down and put him in a cave,...then..they put a rock in front of the cave...then they take the rock away.....
And if He comes out and see's his shadow......"

That one ok to say?

reply to post by I AM LEGION


This was very funny i cracked up for a whole minute. Ahhh if only canaidian politics was this funny

Arbiter of Lies? Common... The second joke was funny..
OK then....I'll just call into ATS this weekend. I'll ask them.. Christian Crusade will probably kill us if we bring it up on the Radio... But what a great story.. Died on the radio...Literally.
OK not funny. sigh..

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "You were in a huge pile-up on the highway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again, but your "member" was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, The good news is we can implant a prosthesis but it costs $5,000.00. The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide if you want it. I understand that you've been married almost thirty years. You should discuss this with your wife." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have," says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor. "We're getting granite countertops."

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

"Can you really breathe through that thing"?

Good One:

An insurance adjuster was driving his Lexus through the backwoods of Arkansas to assist a tornado victim. He comes upon a puddle in the dirt road and stops. He steps out and analyzes the situation, knowing that a good rain had been brought through by the passing storm. As he attempts to judge the depth of the puddle, an old man working his cattle walks down to his fence and tells the adjuster that it's safe to drive through as the water was no more than a few inches deep. Believing the native to know his own area, he jumps back in the Lexus, and proceeds to sink it in the middle of the puddle. The adjuster swims out, sputtering and angry, sloshes over to the farmer and demands an explanation. "I could have sworn it was only a few inches deep, I saw a duck walk right across it not twenty minutes ago!"

-===-
Fair One:

A farmer was out tending his crops when *WHOOSH*... an alien ship thumps to a landing a few feet away. Astonished, he watched as a door open, stairs descended and the notorious Grey confidently walked up to him.
"This your farm?" asked the Gray.
"Y...Yes?"
"Those your cattle?"
"Yes?"
"I'll give you a million dollars for all of them." The farmer made some quick mental calucalations and found this to be a very profitable deal. He agreed, the two shook hands and the Gray dissappeared into it's ship for several minute to re-emerge with two suitcases. One he sat before the farmer, clicked it open to reveal the stacks of hundred dollar bills. The farmer nodded in approval and the Gray snicked the suitcase shut, set the other suitcase down and carefully opened the lid. A tiny little raging bull flew up and out of the suitcase and at the speed of thought ran to and fro across the farmers land gobbling up all of the bulls. When it had fnished it plowed back into the suitcase and without a word, the Alien picked it up, boarded his ship and zoomed off.
A week later, the same scenario. The Gray was interested in chickens. A million dollars, a little suitcase with a tiny rooster which ate all of the farmers chickens.
A week later, the Gray did the same with the farmer's goats. As the Gray was about to board his ship, the farmer frantically waved him down. "Say, you wouldn't happen to have a little suitcase with a politician in it would you?"

-===-

"Hello, 911 what is your emergency?"
"My friend and I were out hunting and my gun went off. I think I killed him, what do I do?"
"First we need to make sure he's dead."
*BLAM* "Okay, now what?"

-====-

Not sure if this one is acceptable, but I'm going to risk it.

A man walks into a bar and orders five shots of the good stuff. Bartender delivers and observes that something is wrong with the man. "Today, I found out my oldest son is gay." To which the bartender expresses his concern and discounts the liquor. Two days later, the same scenario. Again, the Bartender inquires as to the depressive occassion to which the man explains that he found out his youngest son is gay as well. Again, he recieves a discount. A week later, the guy walks in, reaches behind the counter, snatches a bottle of Vodka and turns it straight up. Exasperated, the bartender asks "Good grief, man, doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife."

-====-

A guy breaks down in the middle of nowhere. He pops the hood of his car, and smoke billows out as he raises it. In dismay, he can only stare.
"It's the carburator." The fellow jumps, startled, knowing there had been no one for miles where he broke down. He looks around only to find a horse leaned up against a tree staring at him.
"Did you just talk?" THe guy asks the horse.
"Yeah. I'm telling you, it's the carburator."
The guy freaks out and takes off running down the road at full speed. As he rounds a bend, he see an old ice house and cuts a line straight the bar. "Whiskey!" he demands, "straight up!"
The bartender delivers the shots to the red-faced man. "Everything alright?"
"My car broke down and this horse just started talking to me!"
"Don't pay attention to that horse, it don't know jack about cars...."

-===-

In the spirit of equality, I offer you blonde joke balanced by two brunette jokes.

1. Two blondes are walking down a train track into the sunset. One looks at the other and says "These darn stairs will NEVER END!" ... The other looks over and says "Yeah, and these low banisters are KILLING my back."

1. Why are there so many blonde jokes? Brunettes gotta have something to do on Friday and Saturday nights.
2. What's black and blue and brown? A brunette that told one too many blonde jokes.

I have more, but they aren't appropriate on the forums


-===-
A reporter seeks out a legendary Native American who is said to possess perfect memory. After weeks of searching he finds the man sitting at a campfire beside a tee-pee. The reporter walks up, raises his hand and greets the Indian with a formal "How." The Indian nods to the spot across the fire. Settling in, the reporter proceeds to question the Indian. At the end of the interrogation, the Indian has gotten every question right. As he was leaving the man spins around and fires: "Who won against the Oilers in the 1993 NFL Playoffs on January 3?" TO which the Indian responded immediately with "The Buffalo Bills." The reporter, shaking his head, walks away.
Twenty years later, his Pulitzer winning article is nearing it's anniversary. The now-successful reporter again seeks out the Indian. He walks up to the campfire, raises his hand and greets: "How." The Indian, without hesitation, responds: "After recovering from a 32 point deficit, Christie kicked a 32 yard field goal in overtime to win."

-====- I am the guy that tells jokes at bars and at work. Some shockingly inappropriate, some downright clean. I can tell jokes on any subject. Challenge me and ye shall receive!

A Magician who just graduated from Magician school gave his very first public performance. He chose as his first act the famous Houdini straight jacket drop into a tank of water and performed with much hoopla and fanfare to a large audience.

After failing to extract himself after 2 minutes underwater, the tank was smashed by stage hands and the Magician was extracted but in a comma.

He was hospitalized and remained in a coma for a year until one day a nurse saw him open his eyes. She summoned the doctors, nurses and staff who formed a large group around his bedside. The magician came to, removed his oxygen mask and exclaimed.........Taaaa Daaaaa!

-Watch out for the vacuum cleaner!
-What vacuuuuuuuuuuu......


-Did you hear the one about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?


-When is a car not a car?
-When it turns into a driveway!


-What's black and white and has wheels?
-a zebra! and i lied about the wheels

Why are Jewish men circumcised?
Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't 20% off.

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk!

What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra!

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Women might be able to fake orgasms.
But men can fake a whole relationship.

Me and the wife were both suffering depression and decided to commit suicide. 
After she killed herself I started feeling better and thought...
F^€k it! Soldier on!

OK not a SINGLE star for a joke yet so here goes. Three times is a charm:

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about
psychology and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said,

"Honey, that's a bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that
will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She said, "You have the biggest [snip] of all your friends."

Letter home from school...

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.


A week later..... a letter from "home"

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad