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How I loved those smiles...

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posted on Aug, 19 2010 @ 09:03 PM
I am rather young for the most part. However, some people call me a child due to my looks while others think that I am five times as old as I should be because of my mentality. These people see me differently for reasons that I can comprehend.

You know, I may be rumbling about random things, but I simply want to get this out of my heart... Hell, trying to entertain you guys with this stuff might be like trying to get a jackpot on a slot machine....

There are not many people that I can talk to nowadays. In fact, I love being alone from time to time. I realize things about myself and others around me on a daily basis.

Recently, I have begun to discover why I have not made many genuine friends lately. I am neither a teen nor an adult; I am a child or an elderly. It is not I who do like others, it is that others do not like me.

I lived my childhood playing with others children, but I was mentally shocked by some incidents which I do not want to talk about. After those incidents, I matured more rapidly than others per se.

It came to me in my early teens that life is short. I was and am still afraid of death and its inevitability. I was always philosophizing about everything and was able to make a few ideals that I am still living with.

I don't ever gossip, unlike my peers. I have never hurt anyone's feelings by words or action. Even as a child, I don't remember myself calling anyone bad names. My mom said I didn't cry much and my relatives say that I was easy to raise because I always sat there playing Legos. I was always the type of kid who liked the outdoors and help others enthusiastically to see bright smiles. In return, I gained Allies. These people remember me for the things I've done for them as a child. I always wonder how those friends are doing.

I was a foreigner. I came to Florida in fifth grade. Maybe it was because of the south or maybe it was because I was in a higher grade, but some kids simply disliked me as if I didn't belong on Earth. I could understand bullying, but the type of hate I received disgusted me. Once again, there were kids who were picked on and I stood beside them. Those kids soon became some of my BFFs.

In high school, my former friends and I were separated. I've met hundreds of new individuals through clubs and classes. Everyone was trying to be cool, but I couldn't figure out which route I should have taken. My parents wanted me to strive for medical school and take the serious route. Most of my peers, however, took the "cool" route.

I've tutored many major program (I was in a magnet program with rich people) students and they appreciated my help. Some students recommended me to others. These kids were definitely trying to be a bit more successful than the others. I even thought these kids would do better than the children of the rich.

Then there were those who never appreciated your help; those who never smiled back at you. I've helped them with homework, but they ended up wanting to copy me because it was the "non-nerdy" way to do it. I've sided with the victims of bullying, but only ended by getting laughed at by both sides. Soon I became entrapped in this idea of being "cool" because it appeared that colleges like the "popular" kids involved in sports and student government. Believe me, if you're not "popular" you won't be able to participate in any of those things. Then I thought maybe the rich and popular were "realists" and their way was the way to success.

One time it hit me, in one of Eminem's songs he said "Edna always told me, Keep making that face and it'll get stuck like that." Tragically, I stopped helping people who might "endanger" my reputation. Tragedy-to-be, I've lost possible "Allies" who will appreciate me for who I am.

The funny thing is, my bad reputation got worse like a credit score. My peers ignored me and I was left with my old friends. There were some smart and popular kids who liked me, but couldn't, because of my reputation. I was no longer appreciated for what I love to do and I forfeited my way of life to see if I could pull it through like the "smart and popular." I've learned that in this world, you either get into the game and try real hard or you don't.

It seems to me that the society of the current young generation poisons those who live with a vision. The vision is first blurred, then it is clear, then it is shattered and trashed. Sometimes I see it as the Kristallnacht of happiness. Well, maybe it's been like a that for a while now

Seriously, will those kids stay closely as my friends and I? Will they regret their "realistic" way of life?

People on this website know that there is something wrong with how the world operates. Despite how we are more connected by technology and transportation, we are broken spiritually.

Well, another year of college is starting, and I think that I would like to reattempt what I have started. College is an even worse place for what party-goers would consider as "shenanigans," but I will try real hard. I regret the fact that I have wasted so much time in convincing myself that what I have done was correct all along. I feel like Arther Schindler at the end of Schindler's List. I could have done more to save more of the minority from the obscure obscenity just to see those smiles.

posted on Aug, 28 2010 @ 04:03 AM
also a reply to die_another_day: Too Young To Be Sad, But Can't Help It


So many comments but too many would seem cliche or contrived: Reading these posts is in many ways like reading my own Bio.

Having moved around alot as a child there were two things that I came to trust; Change and the local library. Both of which have served me well as I have gotten older but were disasterous when I was younger. Even to this day I still strike many poeple as either a know it all or arrogant because things that are new or mysterious to them I have followed for years.

Because of how much I moved I spent alot of my time around mostly adults, because I was intelligent (and cues from my parents) people never really spoke to me as a child. My parents never gave me child-based answers to my questions and if they didn't know there would be a trip to the library to find out.

As a result of how I ws treated by adults and the encouragement from my parents to find an answer (even if I didn't understand it) I was exposed to ideas and concepts way before I ever would have. I can remember being in high school and looking at the social interactions of my peers from the perspective of socio/pyscho-developmental stages instead of 'the gang' hangin out.

My university days were a little better, mostly though because of the anonymity...just another freak studying in the quad.

There was a period of several years were I tried to fit in, but the more I tried the more evident it became to me that I didn't belong; the things that shattered their worlds regularly meant nothing to me as I could see how superficial or pointless the issue was.

Even to this day the people I get along best with are usually substantially older than I am because I can see the same big picture, usually from the same view point.

Many years ago I was very close to a women who was, even though I was in my early 20's, waaaaay to old for me. One of the first things she mentioned was that regardless of my actual age, I had an old soul possessing opinions and perspectives that are increasingly rare at any age now.

I would say you are the same.

There is a tone that in some cases is stated while in others appears only as an undercurrent or implication, but it is there. I wish I could give you some tidbit of wisdom or insight, sadly though all I can say is that as time progresses it will be easier to fake it 9-5 and then go about your world your own way.

I can truely sympathize.

I remember the pain of having to come to terms with being completely unlike everyone I was surrounded by, that I had/have little or nothing in common with those around me; it still pops up time to time, just as a reminder. The walls get higher, the defences extend futher out and the day to day of public life is less about personal connection and more about acting. You will find a 'role' somewhere between yourself and what others expect to find in people and you will master it.

Like everything, practice practice practice.

And you need to practice. Go out, do things with your peers regardless of whether you want to or not. Be involved with life even if in most cases it is an act for the benefit of others; things will never improve cooped up in your room feeling alienated, you will only make yourself feel worse. Do not get stuck in your own head; you can convince yourself that things are a good idea that are actually huge mistakes.

Some mistakes are permenant, and I speak from (almost) experience.

On 'your' time focus on what makes you happy and to hell with everyone else. You will find that you are already surrounded by a world where you belong; it is everyone else who has a problem.

Don't live someone else's version of your life.

[edit on 28-8-2010 by [davinci]]


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