Kind of at a loss here...advice?

Hey,

It's rare that I'm in a situation where I'm really not sure which actions would be the best to take -- usually the trouble lies in actually taking those actions. I'm generally a very logical person, and to my own detriment often choose the logical answer over the answer that 'my heart' wants. So, here's what happened...I'd really appreciate to hear from someone who has been in a serious relationship.

A little background....Go back 2 years and 3 months. I was 21 years old, and had just gotten my heart broken for the first time -- she was the first girl I ever kissed, fooled around with, had sex with...loved. I will call her Lenore (not her real name.) She dumped me because she was afraid of our future -- she was afraid she'd wind up settling down and was too young for how serious we were about each other. We were seriously in love -- that sickening kind that just overcomes you and doesn't allow you to think about anything else, but I digress. After we broke up, we didn't speak for 2 entire years. I'm a stubborn guy, and as bad as I was hurt, I never once called her, emailed her, or tried to contact her in any way.

Fast forward to a month and a half ago. I've had 2 more serious relationships since her. Sitting in my room, I remember how well we knew each other -- I keep almost everyone I know at a distance, and nobody's ever known me the way she did. I'm not one to brag, but I am confident in my abilities, and I will say confidently that I'm a pretty intelligent person (As are most of the people on this board as I've come to find out.) I would say her and I probably fall right about in the same range as far as our IQs go, and more than that, we're both extremely perceptive. This is something that's been EXTREMELY hard to find in a girlfriend, and even the two that I dated after Lenore never quite matched up. So anyway, I was (am?) completely over Lenore, and being that it's been two years since the breakup and we were good friends BEFORE we started dating, I decided to send her an email. She responded very enthusiastically. I won't bore you with details, but we emailed back and forth quite a bit and decided to meet up. We talked a lot about the breakup -- she told me how hard it was on her (seems as though it was almost as hard or harder on her as it was on me, which I have to admit made me feel pretty good, because it took me at least 6 months to get over her.) We met up 3 times and it was very good catching up again...I felt like I'd reclaimed an old and very important friend -- no awkward feelings or anything like that. However....fast forward again to 3 nights ago...

We decided to have drinks at this place around the corner form Lenore's parents' house. She was house sitting for them while they were away. We finished our drinks and headed over to her parents' house to drink some more. At this point, I can honestly say that I wasn't intending for ANYTHING to happen. It did. We jumped in the pool with our clothes on and were swimming around for a while. I was only mildly intoxicated (I still had all my wits about me and whatnot) and she was even less buzzed than me, and suddenly we were making out. I can't even really say who initiated it for sure, but there we were...making out in the swimming pool. Well, eventually this made its way into her room, and I wound up sleeping over (I think you can infer what else happened.)

I am NOT a one-night stand guy. In fact, if you consider this a one-night stand, it was the first I've ever had. I am extremely picky when it comes to the women I date -- I absolutely cannot date someone I don't connect with, and I don't connect with very many people on that level. I really don't know what to do here. I was fine yesterday and the day before, and it didn't feel like it was going to bother me much, but it's kind of getting at me today -- we haven't talked since other than exchanging some comments on Facebook. It was really strange, though...it wasn't like how I picture a one-night-stand going. When we were kissing, she kept telling me that I am exactly as she remembers me, and I'm what she's been trying to find in other guys all of this time. We didn't just sleep together in the strict sense of the phrase -- we were down right cuddling...kissing each other every now and then. She fell asleep with her head on my chest and her arms around me. Even in the morning we stayed in bed for an hour or longer just laying together. Eventually she asked me if I wanted to talk about it...I said not really. She asked me if I was expecting anything, and I told her I wasn't -- which is the truth. She told me that she really doesn't have anything to give, and that she's not in a place in her life right now to have a relationship. I was perfectly fine with all of this. Then I just kind of got dressed and left....and that was it.

There is one more factor that makes the whole ordeal even more confusing. She has told me repeatedly about this guy... He currently lives in another state, but it's the state that she is probably moving to in 6 months or so, and they have plans to start seeing each other when she finally moves out there. She made it clear even from the beginning that he's not her boyfriend, but she said that she has very strong feelings for him and feels like her and him are 'meant to be' (NOT a phrase I've ever used or one I've ever heard her use, either.) She's also visiting him in a month and a half... I sort of feel like I wronged this guy even though they're not officially in a relationship...I have a hunch that they've been more serious about planning to meet up than she's let on to me.

So, what it all boils down to...

I definitely don't want a relationship with her again. As great a person is she is and as great the connection between us is, I know that it would end the exact same way as it did last time. I also think I'm just too damaged from what she did the first time to ever let myself fall in love with her again. But still...I feel like something should be done? This is what I mean when I say I don't know what to do -- should we meet up again and talk about it? Should we just ignore each other? Should I send her an email and ask her how she feels about the situation? I'm really lost here. I would love to hear from someone who has been in a similar situation....anyone?

you didn't wrong anyone. They are not married or in a serious and committed relationship.

It sounds like you guys tied up some loose ends to your closure, Yes, even 2 years later.

She might have been lonely....it might of been curiousity. It might of been a taste of forbidden fruit or she wanted to relive a moment.

It is an odd situation to be in. But from what I gather from your conversation,she was trying to find out from you if you expected any more then that date, you said no, that tells me that she was only expecting what happened that evening.

If you don't want this realtionship, then let it go, and appreciate the one good evening.

1. You'll never be fully "over" your first love, you just move past it.

2. You seem to realize the hookup for what it was, a drunken dip in nostalgia. That seems to be how she sees it too, so it is what it is.

3. You seem to have already come to a decision (and the right one in my opinion), you're likely just looking for confirmation. (and you'll get it from me)...

4. Plenty of other women out there, and she's already informed you that she's looking elsewhere. Unless you're a masochist, move on friend....

Thanks guys.

Yeah, this is precisely why I don't do one-night-stands. It's not that I'm suddenly into her again or anything like that....I just have so many questions...it feels like there are all of these loose ends to tie up. What about that other guy? Is she going to tell him? How can she live with herself? I mean, they're not in a committed relationship, but she still told me the first time we got together for drinks that she feels like "he's the one," and that she would feel very guilty if she were to be dating anybody else... I guess it's none of my damn business, but it's kind of gnawing at me... Also, I honestly don't want to lose her as a friend. It's not the nostalgia in me saying that she knows me better than anyone. But whatever, I suppose I will just take it as it comes. At least this has been an interesting week or two.

What about that other guy? Is she going to tell him? How can she live with herself?

Not your concern...that's between her and him. Why worry about it? (unless you think he's gonna cause trouble...)

I mean, they're not in a committed relationship, but she still told me the first time we got together for drinks that she feels like "he's the one," and that she would feel very guilty if she were to be dating anybody else...

Sounds like it's "committed" to me...should sound that way to you too...

I guess it's none of my damn business, but it's kind of gnawing at me... Also, I honestly don't want to lose her as a friend.

Your guess is right (in my opinion), go with that. If you keep pining for her, you're not seeing as a friend, but as a fallback, which is also what she is seeing you as (and playing you as)... You can either go along for the ride, and get your heart broken all over again (although this time you're better armed), or you can move on to greener (and less taken) pastures...

Hi there,

Don’t want to be rude in any way, but let’s begin with the truth. When you say : “ It's not that I'm suddenly into her again or anything like that” Well that’s not true. Fact is you two seem to both “dig” each other in all fairness. You are just trying to “rationalize” your feelings as to make it more manageable for you and not to strain you in moving forward again. But you are as “hurt” as you once where just in not admitting that you cannot “connect” in the same way with another woman.

Now here’s the trick to get over her: Feel your emotions as they are, cry if you need to, let all of it out, face yourself. And after a few days of that, and surrounded by friends, you will feel the change in you. And then the healing process can begin. You are going to have fear, anger, and other emotions that go by before you feel that everything is completely healed.

Once you are there, Life will bring you the company that you deserve. And the more you are healed usually the more you deserve


[edit on 5-8-2010 by KpxMarMoTT]

Been there and done that more than once and i have learned my lesson and i hope you do aswell. Ex's are ex's for a reason.Keep them in that catagory.Sounds to me like she just wanted some booty to see if it was different than she remembered.Sorry dude i know im brutal but im honest.

"Don't love these hizo's" -Snoop Dog

reply to post by Gazrok


I agree.

To the OP, dont let fear of getting your heart broken rule your life. If you play the game of love, you will get hurt. Just play it for all you have and enjoy the good times while they are there.

Go for it. The only thing in life we regret at the end are the things we do NOT do that we should have.

Let me begin by asking one simple question ''do you love Lenore'' if the answer is yes then tell her how you feel and dont let her go.Real honest to God true love is hard to find these days and it sounds to me like you guys have it .If you really love her than fight for her but if you dont then just move on else you'll end up regretting it.Love is a rare thing to find so dont just let it pass you by.Love isnt logical and it isnt predictable.Love is something you feel down deep inside it isnt quantifiable.But thats just my opinion.Good luck!

Dude from one old gray beard to a pup with fuzz on his chin.

You do know there are more women in your age group than guys don't you?

Eliminate all those that like their own sex only both men and women and those that are in the employment of the government and are in lands where they are not wanted,there is fresh pastures to explore if you re the studly bull you sound like.

Fairly intelligent and a good conversationalist and slightly emotional should take you down many roads.

"Lenore" was in the past.

You initiated the renewed contact and it seemed to be about what she wanted,sexual release wit ha safe partner.

Move on and let her to move on also.

It seems she is over you but you are not over her yet.

Women are always more mature than men at the same age and she manipulated you and then tossed you out again.

Ans stop going to bars and drinking.Women don't really want a man who does that and you probably tend to be silly when you drink.

A man who does not have to drink to entertain a woman is looked in a more favorable light by a intelligent mature woman.

A person can have a good time with a women with out going to a bar.

The really intelligent,attractive, educated ladies are not there.

In case you have not figured that out.

[edit on 10-8-2010 by Oneolddude]

There are woman out there that will never let you forget that they were the first ones to destroy you or you were the first to destroy them LOL.

The majority of us end up in in a relationship when we are 15/16 and they usually end around the time we are old enough to do the bar or drinking thing. When were considered adults 18/21.

Enjoy your goodbye "kiss". Try to realize that because she was your first relationship,she may try to retain some kind of interaction with you and if something should happen in her life,she may try to "reinitialize" the connection you once had with her.

"he's the one,"

I doubt it lol.

Live your life dude,try not to dwell.

Originally posted by Oneolddude
A good conversationalist and slightly emotional should take you down many roads.[edit on 10-8-2010 by Oneolddude]

Correct

I love strong women. all my life I have been around strong women. Strong gals will take you down many roads and when the smoke clears , you will feel complete.

Deal with it bro

[edit on 18-8-2010 by Better Mouse Trap]

RAWRRR STAY STRONG