How Do I Help A Good Friend With Money Trouble, But He Won't Discuss It ?

This may be a point of pride on his part. A large chunk of embarrassment he feels that he got into this position in the first place. I just don't know......

I have the skills to advise him, deal with creditors, handle landlord/tenant issues.
By no way can I pay off his debts, but I may be able to assist financially a little.

It's become obvious that he can't meet his obligations, but he won't talk about it at all.
This hurts because we have been very close for many years and all I want to do is help.

Creditors are calling his mother, neighbours, other family, etc......
I've seen the past due notices on his desk and all I can do is be a friend while he spirals into depression over a situation that could probably be handled with a few phone calls/letters, and some solid advice to him. I'm even willing to negotiate some of this with creditors or represent him in small claims court.


Any ideas on how to talk money with someone that wants to keep it private ???

Pay one or more of his bills surreptitiously. Give him a check for his or someone's birthday. Give him something you no longer need. love.

Originally posted by CestLaVie
Pay one or more of his bills surreptitiously.

Good idea....
I can't deposit money in his account without a record, but I know his electric bill account number and will make a payment at the office to keep his lights on. $70.00 - $80.00 should keep him for a month or more with no trace back to me.

We had a bunch of friends over on Sunday and I insisted he take home the leftover ribs and chicken on the excuse there was no way we could eat them before they went bad.

I really want to sit down with him though and solve the problem, even if it means the only solution is bankruptcy.

Your friend is lucky.

Hopefully they will realize how good of a friend you are and appreciate it.

reply to post by anxietydisorder


With respect. If you know about his life, you could place "some money" on the ground or a spot where he will see/find it. In that way, he would think that somebody accidentally dropped/left some money onto the ground and/or a somewhere. Just trying to help with some advice.

Originally posted by Signals

Your friend is lucky.

Actually, I'm the lucky one.
He's been such a good friend over the years that I feel I owe him this one.

Originally posted by gordonwest
you could place "some money" on the ground or a spot where he will see/find it.

Good idea, but not an option.
He lives about 60 - 70 Km away, so we only see each other on every weekend or so.


My point on this is to be able to get him into a conversation that he wants to avoid. I want to go through his financial records and help with fixing his situation.
I don't want to just bail him out by throwing money at the problem.
(I can't afford that...)

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.

reply to post by anxietydisorder


If he's avoiding the conversation with you, he may be in denial about the situation. If that's the case, the best thing you could do is force him to face the problem. He may hate you for it for a while, but it would be for his own good.


TheAssoc.

Try to use conversation in a tactful way by kind of baiting him to talk about it without him realizing it if you can.
Start a conversation that seems innocent enough while trying to carefully steer the conversation to the topic like it was unintentional,make it seem natural and not obvious.

Or just be very blunt and don't beat around the bush...beat in it.
He is a good friend and should understand your intentions.
Let him know alot of people go thru this and its not as big a deal as he is making it and that he is being his own worst enemy.

There also might not be anything you can do about it,sometimes people need to hit their rock bottom before making the climb upwards again.
He will know when he has hit the bottom and you will know when he is ready to do something about it and accept help.

Thats my 2 cents.

reply to post by anxietydisorder


Pride is a devastating thing. Pride has actually killed people.

Breaking down that pride so you can help him may actually be damaging to your friendship.

I couldn't honestly tell you a tactful way to do it, so my suggestion is to jump in his face about it.

I understand your good intentions and I know it must be difficult to see your friend suffer. Of course you want to help him.

I would just warn you, and I know from bitter experience, that getting involved in other people's finances is just about the fastest way to lose friends.

If you can find a way to do it and end up with a grateful friend, you will be very lucky.

Possible pitfalls:

Your friend's pride will be wounded

Your 'interference' will be resented

Your friend will accept help but at some point he will become too dependent and you will become resentful

Whatever solutions you suggest will only temporarily solve the problem. It could be that your friend is just one of those people who will never be able to handle money

You will see several easy ways in which your friend could better his situation and then become frustrated when he fails to adopt any of those measures

Please don't think I am trying to be negative but this isn't just about your friend and his feelings. You might find you have some unexpected feelings of your own which will be difficult to deal with if you get too deeply involved.

Anyway, I wish you luck and hope someone else can offer something more positive.

I'm sorry to ask this, but do you know what happened to cause your friend to find himself in this sort of difficulty? If it's gambling, drinking or worse then any money that you manage to give him might as well have been thrown into a bottomless pit. I so hope that I'm not offending you, but if there is a problem of this nature then his money troubles will probably never be resolved for good.

[edit on 23-6-2010 by berenike]

It sounds like the cat's out of the bag, as you indicated how much of it you know. It no longer is a private matter, especially if creditors are calling family and others.

What he might appreciate, if he takes you up on your offer to help him deal with creditors, paperwork, advice, etc., is your pledge of confidentiality to him. That could go a ways towards relieving embarrassment.

If I were you, I would make the offer of assistance, spelling out what you could do, how you could help.

Situations like this have never been pleasant, but nowadays much more common unfortunately. Good luck.

If this were a friend of mine, I think I would write him
a letter. Explaining why I think he is in trouble and
expressing that I want to help,
explaining the ways as you did here.
That way it tasks the face to face embarrassment
out and gives him a chance to ponder the offer before he responds.

You are a good friend

Originally posted by Ex
You are a good friend

No doubt!

I want to thank everyone for the advice and encouragement.

Oddly, he called this morning to invite us down to spend the long week-end with them. It should be a good time because they live near a lake and it'll be fun to spend time with the kids in and on the water.
I'll bring a cooler of food for the BBQ, a box of beer, and treats for the kids so we're not an added expense.

berenike suggested gambling, alcohol, or worse.......
But that's not the case. His wife lost her good paying job several months back, and I know he's been cut back at his work.
With the two incomes they greatly over extended themselves and now can't pay the bills.

I'm going to enjoy the week-end, but the last day I'll pressure him to pull out the bills and sit down to find a solution. I don't want to see them lose the car and house, that will be my approach.

I hope he's willing to listen.

reply to post by anxietydisorder


Good luck - I hope it works out well.

Thanks for the little bit of extra information - it makes the picture look less bleak than I feared. Again, I hope you weren't offended by the question.

Originally posted by berenike

I hope you weren't offended by the question.

No offense taken, it was a valid question.
I've seen many people destroy their life through drug and alcohol abuse. I'm just glad this isn't the situation here.

Explain to him that friends help each other, and that this just happens to be one of your particular skillsets, and you'd be willing to lend him your expertise, quietly, and discreetly, to get himself out of the mess.

There's pride, and then there's just silliness in not accepting help when you need it and have access to it.