Looking for some advice, can you be of any help ??

First off, ive been with my girlfriend for 1 year now and i truly love her, she is everything couldve asked for in a girl, shes caring, loves me unconditionally, she has always been 100 % supportive with me and my battle with depression. She would make the perfect wife, but I dont feel the spark anymore I dont feel that fire we once had and honestly it hurts and worries me. The fact that I could break her heart shatter her world makes me hate myself. Im still very young and I dont feel like im living life, all we do is sit in the house all day and I feel like theres no way out. I either leave her crushing her world and mine at the same time or act on that stay in this relationship that im not happy in. Whats your take ??

Well, that's a tough one. It depends on a number of things. You say you're very young, but don't specify exactly how old. Are you over 18? Over 20? If you are younger than 18/19 I would personally recommend not getting too serious. As you've said you want to live your life and you feel trapped. If you jump into engagement/marriage and your young and in love you might be ok. If you're young and struggling a little, chances are you'll hit some rough spots.

**However** if you reallly think she's the "one", the spark can return. My (now) husband and I battled for years over getting married. He's been married before and was a bit leery about jumping in again. For years I just kept saying "trust me - I won't hurt you". But the tension about marriage actually hurt our relationship. I felt like he didn't want to commit and he felt like I was pushing him (after 5 years!) BUT -there is a point to this - I promise. Once we got married and I knew he was in this for the long haul, our relationship actually got MUCH BETTER than it had ever been before. We still never fight, we laugh alot, we have a great time. THE POINT HERE IS - the spark CAN return. You might have to put some effort into it, but if you both want it to return, it can. ROmantic stuff always helps. I make my husbands lunch in the morning for thim and I leave "love notes" in his sandwich bag. We go out of our way to be romantic. The spark is honestly the smallest issue.

If you're uncertain, spend 2 weeks apart. This doesn't give either of you free reign to date - that isn't the point. You need time to really think about what you want in a relationship and what you want from her. It sounds silly, but in the past I have literally made a pro/con list for someone I was dating. Its really a good decider. If one list is significantly longer than the other, you have your answer. But keep in mind, some are more important than others. Like if your gf is cute, that's a pro, but her willingness to battle your depression with you is FAR more important. So weigh your pros and cons and decide what really makes you happy. Honestly, it sounds silly, but seeing it in writing gives you a sense of clarity.

Sorry this is so lengthy - there was alot to discuss here. But I hope this helped a little.

reply to post by Morbo the Annihilator


Well thankyou for the advice, im 18 and shes my first serious girlfriend. Shes everything I could've asked for in a girlfriend but im not sure that its my time to settle down. I feel horrible because my own faults could shatter the persons world who I care for most. Btw the the list is a great idea. Thankyou so much for the advice Its greatly appreciated.

reply to post by letspreadtruth


I recognize your situation.
I've been in a relationship for 3 years when I was your age. After one year I felt the same as what you describe. He was great, he would move the moon for me if he could, I cared for him, he was my best friend, but there was no spark. Yet I stayed in the relationship for 3 years, then I finally desided to end it.
He was torn appart, he was angry and sad, yelled at me, stalked me even.
Staying just friends didn't work because he kept expecting us getting back together. It was a total mess.
Eventually he turned out to be fine, he met another girl, married her and had two children.

If you feel that your missing out on life, then you probably are. You have the rest of your life to be in relationships, but your youth is only going to last a couple more years.
This may sound harsh, especially for your girlfriend.
How does she feel? Does she thinks everything is fine? have you talked to her?
In the end your the one who has to make the desision....
good luck to you both

Originally posted by GypsK
reply to post by letspreadtruth

 

I recognize your situation.
I've been in a relationship for 3 years when I was your age. After one year I felt the same as what you describe. He was great, he would move the moon for me if he could, I cared for him, he was my best friend, but there was no spark. Yet I stayed in the relationship for 3 years, then I finally desided to end it.
He was torn appart, he was angry and sad, yelled at me, stalked me even.
Staying just friends didn't work because he kept expecting us getting back together. It was a total mess.
Eventually he turned out to be fine, he met another girl, married her and had two children.

Wow, Gyps. That sounds JUST LIKE ME at 18-21. I too was with my bf for 3 years, I broke it off, he got jealous, crazy angry, kind of stalk-ish. After a while he met someone new, got married (got divorced) and he and I are still friends. He calls me often for dating advice (weird, I know). Oddly enough, he'd still move the moon for me and if Hubz and I divorced he'd still take me back in a snap (and we dated 10 years ago...)

as a fellow young'in, (22) i say take your time with ANY relationship.

i've been the king of "serious" relationships, and didn't learn any better until this last one over the summer.

Dated a girl, she moved in with me after less then a month bc of extraneous circumstances, and it just got worse from there (i know her moving in didn't help, but it just made the problems appear a lot quicker)

the way i see it, young people, and it appears more so in male young people, have the inherent need to be independent, and have someone there WHEN THEY FEEL LIKE IT. it's part of being selfish and growing up and learning that's not always the way to go.

it'd be 1000x better that you take a little break, even if it is for 2 weeks like the lady above me said. evaluate your life. because it is just that YOUR life.

something you got to learn about life, regardless of how selfish this sounds, is that you must look out for number one. if you aren't happy, nothing in your life will fall into place...again, a lesson i am currently learning the hard way.

i hope this helps, and if you'd like to discuss it more with someone more your age and has a good understanding of what you are going through (i think) feel free to message me.

reply to post by GypsK


Thankyou for the advice, im glad there are people on here who can offer great insight thanks again : )

Originally posted by iamsupermanv2
as a fellow young'in, (22) i say take your time with ANY relationship.

i've been the king of "serious" relationships, and didn't learn any better until this last one over the summer.

Dated a girl, she moved in with me after less then a month bc of extraneous circumstances, and it just got worse from there (i know her moving in didn't help, but it just made the problems appear a lot quicker)

the way i see it, young people, and it appears more so in male young people, have the inherent need to be independent, and have someone there WHEN THEY FEEL LIKE IT. it's part of being selfish and growing up and learning that's not always the way to go.

it'd be 1000x better that you take a little break, even if it is for 2 weeks like the lady above me said. evaluate your life. because it is just that YOUR life.

something you got to learn about life, regardless of how selfish this sounds, is that you must look out for number one. if you aren't happy, nothing in your life will fall into place...again, a lesson i am currently learning the hard way.

i hope this helps, and if you'd like to discuss it more with someone more your age and has a good understanding of what you are going through (i think) feel free to message me.

I think your advice is spot on, I do need time to be independent, get my life on track but its too late, Im hoping its the depression making me feel like this, im getting treated for it currently. If when I get better this dosent change then im going to have to break up with her. Thanks for the advice.

Its called the normal evolution of a relationship.

The inlove infatuation is never meant to last. It is designed by nature to get people together head over heels in lust so they mate.

And that is the failure of a lot of relationships, people think that feeling should last forever. And think that the relationship should end when the infatuation stage does.

Relationships are like rollar coasters, literally. You have ups and downs. The first trip around is heavenly. It is new and fresh. But after you ride it a few times the mystery is over and it loses its luster.

But that is when the mature part of the relationship begins. The familiarity. The creatures of habits.

The obession is over. You get shocked a little when that person leaves for a few days on vaca and your ok with it.

It is called the mature relationship. It is where it is deep enough that you can seperate a few days and be fine. Because your in it for the long hull at that point.

If you get married, there are gonna be times when you don't even like your spouse very much. You have to pretend to like them. But when you pretend to like them, eventually the rollar coaster comes back up hill again.

If you are ever gonna have a successful relationship, realize that it will change many many times. It will never be like it was before. And each time you change, you won't recongize it as it was before.

But also realize these changes are never bad, just evolving. Just fitting the needs at the time.

Me personally, I can't stand the infatuation in love stage. I hate that feeling of having to be around someone 24/7. Or never stop thinking about them. I find it uncomfortable. But I know people think the wolrd ends because it ends.

It does't, it just grows up. I prefer knowing that I can go through my day without having to talk to my husband. or obsessing with what he is doing. Know why? Because we have been together long enough and comfortable enough to already know. Because when you get to that point, you don't need a single phone call to affirm your relationship.

reply to post by letspreadtruth


The question I have is why are you two sitting around the house ?
Is one of you fostering it ?
Your making allot of assumptions in your OP.

Communication is important in any relationship,maybe she is interested in A change as well.

From what I'm gathering from your post she's investing in your relationship in spite of your depression any maybe she's hoping that you'll overcome that in some way,which will lead to A more active and fulfilling lifestyle.

I would suggest you talk with her about this because what you see as crushing her world,might truly be that she ends up being upset about investing in relationship with someone that doesn't reciprocate.

reply to post by letspreadtruth


what if this relationship is the source of your depression?

and yes..why do u jsut sit around the house..get out and get ur blood moving! even if it is without her..relationships need space to foster well.

some famous guy from hollywood (can't remember which one just now sorry) said once :

"in a couple, there is always one that is suffering and one that is bored"

you have to experience both sides to understand that, then eventually chose which position you prefer.

I know this is cynical, but as a matter of fact, passion (what you call the spark) is not love and that is because of that confusion that love has failed in our consumerist world.

passion is just a dreamy idealized momentum, pretty much ego based.

heart/ego/soul : chose your master, but don't mistake one with the other.