Mopuses Mopey Mopes

[Pulls out my soapbox]

[Dons my dirty old trench coat]

[Pretends this is a drab and busy corner in NYC]

[Begins to preach]

I feel like ranting and i'm going to rant! Lots of little rants, many incomprehensible, all about the little things in life that are surely conspiracies designed to annoy me.

Certainly the TPTB have assembled an Army of Gnomes to thwart me and here is where the mighty Mope get's Vindication.

I will expose all the little things the Gnomes Bio Engineered in Dungeons run by Darpa have done to thwart my genius daily and I call on all of you to help me thwart them.



[edit on 16-10-2009 by mopusvindictus]

Gnomes are the victims here, this is surely an attempt of scapegoating the civilization of garden dwellers and you sir have an insidious intent!

Down with this sort of thing!

1: Feminist Toilet Seats

An Abomination!

A plot I think that is connected to a Eugenics program specifically intended for me.

I love my new place but it came equipped with a Feminist toilet seat.

The purpose:

To catch me off guard and chop my wiener off ! I must be very wary of these when drinking and the Gnomes have installed them in insidious places not just my home... Places I am sure to have a drink, like the Airport and the DMV.

Some will say this is simply respect for women who hate when men leave the toilet seat up... Buit I know this is the Work of the Darpa Gnomes.

There is NO LATCH! No way a Man can assure the sometimes 6000 Ton Wooden lid does not simply come flying down aimed at my manhood.

It makes me lean forward too far to hold the seat up, as I age it is assured one day I fail in my task and that each day I strain my lower back in this horrid position until I can no longer walk.

It is not unusual already that from time to time I miss the bowl entirely (which is far more offending to women) and assures I am ineligible to mate if a woman comes to my home.

I will NOT succumb to urinating while sitting down!

I am a man and I wish to raise my flag pole high in the air and salute when I urinate.

We must stop these mouse traps!

Destroy the Feminist toilet seats where you find them, carry a small wrench where ever you go!

For now... I will pee on walls and Fire Pumps and Mark My territory as a sign to TPTB that I will not squat to pee, I will not surrender, I am a Man and I will hold both my Heads up high!

reply to post by Creeping Jesus


These Evil Socio Fascist Gnomes are not regular Gnomes my friend... They are Bio Engineered by Darpa with help from Monsanto.

Mindless clones, they are every where. The good Gnomes of the world are as much affected as I sadly. Millennium of Garden advice and protection tarnished by genetic manipulation.

#2 Twenty Three Plastic Twist Ties

I was unwrapping Action figures last night for my children and found the number of plastic twist ties to hold a toy doll in place and (supposedly) to prevent theft (yah sure) had risen to 23 for 4.5 inch Gi Joe Figure

I almost went back to Walmart to use all 23 twist ties to seal the managers eyelids shut

But then I remembered he was simply a pawn in the grand chess game of TPTB

But I have a box now and I am saving these because I will use 23 twist ties and straighten them out and when I get my hands on those responsible I will use Hundreds of these little plastic child hazards to nail the CEO of a Toy company to a Cross then encase him in an unbreakable plastic box that can only be opened with a Black and Decker power drill.

This issue must be solved before Christmas

ONCE UPON A TIME On Xmas... I used to watch happy children unwrap presents and start to play with toys...

Today with the help of the Darpa Gnomes, Christmas consists of One second of Joy followed by an HOUR of me having to break out every tool in the house to get a dolly out of some cage from bad BDSM porno

Finally, exhausted, covered in sweat I turn around with said Dolly to discover my child looks like Pinhead from the Hell Raiser movies sitting in a puddle of blood

Some things are just WRONG

I want lovely tissue paper or maybe just plain ol Styrofoam back...

#3 MSG at the All you can eat buffet


This is complete crap!

I took the kids to Sizzler the other day, paid extra for the Salad Bar, Paid extra for the dessert bar and paid extra for the all you can eat shrimp.

And apparently the people at Sizzler have a been (under the advice of the Darpa Gnomes) Subverted by the owners of the Chinese Restaurant invasion.

Because i didn't get past the god damned Tacos before I wanted to die, my head hut till Thursday, like there was vein that had welled up like balloon throbbing away about to explode, the food didn't digest for like 36 hrs and I had to induce vomiting...

I HATE THESE little peckers!

What the hell is an appetite suppressant doing in my peas... if I wanted a salad and a taco I could go to a real restaurant and get that for Ten bucks

If some of you don't know what MSG is it stands for:

M: Malignant
S: Scat
(in your)
G: Guts

It makes you:

A: Want to smack people

B: Inflames your Bowels

C: Turns your veins into silly string

D: Causes Erectile Dysfunction (so forget the damn Romantic dinner) (for those of you who think romance involves all you can eat shrimp)

I think the DEATH PENALTY should be applied to anyone who offers "all you can eat" and then soaks the food in MSG

I understood this when it was only Chinese secret service agents doing this to me, I expect that from them...

But now it's EVERYONE

If you want to suppress my appetite do it with some class, like free Cigarettes or Amphetamines with every meal... that would be fun, but this making me go get my own food and it has poison in it... oh NO, NO, NO This is like... Making Jews dig their own graves at Auschwitz

Underpants Gnomes! They are the worst!

reply to post by mopusvindictus


Fight the good fight and may your mope be vindicated!

Evil twin to the twist ties are the clamshell packaging. Clamshell packaging is part of the eugenics plot to get people to kill themselves. It's fairly effective as a suicide tool since many people do wind up in the hospital after trying to cut, blast and pry open those $2.00 toys that are wrapped in more security than our state secrets.

A degree in engineering is required to open them and even then, personal safety is not guaranteed.

I quit eating at the "all you can eat" buffets when I saw a small child reach under the sneeze shield with his filthy hand to grab a piece of something to sample, pop it in his mouth, decide he didn't like it and put it back in the communal dish.

Clam shell? Is that what they call these things?

Fitting

Seriously it's all the little ways your life is made crappy you need to work your way around. I notice them, I'm not nearly as worried about the "big things" somehow impacting my life, it's the little things...

Chances of swine flu killing me vs The Impact of toilet seats and Clam shells (apparently) and MSG in my life...

I'm sorry I am 11x more likely to suffer a life threatening injury trying to use a steak knife to cut my way through 3 layers of plastic to get an action figure out of a box or to injure myself in the bathroom than I am to be killed by a terrorist for example...


Clam shells? It's just one of those things that likes to interrupt a good moment a bit of joy... and I had to deal with this, this week...I give my kids presents and we have to sit and wait...

it's anti climactic

Are they idiots, OPENING THE GIFT is half the reason for the gift....

it shouldn't be made this experience where Dad has out a drill! Those moments are terrifying for a 4 year old lol, you have out at least the big scissors or a Knife and your hacking...HACKING AWAY 1/4 inch from Barbies head to get her out....

When these things align it could be awful

Too much MSG and the toilet seat closes on you while taking a wiz and you have to get the knife to open a toy...

This is how i'll loose an eye

Not to frackin swine flu or a jihad or a grey or a race riot lol...

reply to post by mopusvindictus


Yes, it's the little things. The devil is in the details they say.

I once borrowed my friend's car and it wouldn't start. I went back inside to ask her why and she rolled her eyes and said, "oh, THAT".

Apparently, in the good government's attempt to save us from ourselves a car had been created that would not start until you buckled the seat belt. I always back out first before putting on my seat belt so I can properly turn around and see to back out. Once I get past reverse and in position to drive, I then put on my seat belt.

This car was having none of that individual preference. By God, you would put on the seat belt first or stay home! I buckled the seat belt without me in it, put the car in reverse, backed into position needed to drive on road, then unfastened seat belt and put it on properly. What a PITA!

reply to post by whitewave


Worse for me is songs on the Radio that insert random police sirens into the background.

reply to post by mopusvindictus

ahahahahaha. Now why would that be a problem, I wonder?

How about the "put tab 'A' into slot 'B' instructions? Those were fun enough (especially for us dyslexics) but now the instructions are written in Spanish, French, Chinese and German. No English translations. :bnghd:

I bought a "Made in China" scooter for the great gas mileage and promptly sat down to read the owners manual. It was in English. Sort of. It sounded like it had been put through Babel fish translation. By the time I'd finished reading the short manual I felt like I'd taken stupid pills. And still had no clue what my scooter needed in the way of maintenance.

reply to post by whitewave


What makes you think it's going to operate long enough to require maintenance ?

reply to post by The Utopian Penguin


Good point.

I feel much better now, thanks.

#4 Gym Weirdos

I just rejoined a Gym after a couple of months absent and... you know some of these "guys really piss me off they are omnipresent in any gym I have ever been to.

They share several common traits to identify them with

1: They walk the hell around naked and 90% of the time don't have body's you can even tolerate looking at regardless of sexuality

2: They talk to you god damned naked too very often doing something obscene like placing a foot up resulting in a horrifying view no matter where your standing

3: They regard the gym locker room as a personal bathroom, a place to chat hang out, make friends, do personal grooming and feel entirely at home there often hanging around an hr or more....

This is a public service announcement:

If you are one of these people get the hell out of the locker room put some clothes on and shut the friggin Hell up!!!!!!

I'm sorry but I do my best to Sprint out of there, it's kind of smelly like feet and balls, it's germy and I don't want to talk to your Naked arse!

It's disgusting, especially the really fat guys, the narcissistic types who are showing off being casual with that towel... Obnoxious, but perhaps earned if you need that kind of approval... but when your 100 Lbs over the marker and not just being "casual" with the towel but rather standing there for 20 minutes trying to engage me in conversation you need to go straight to HELL Sir!

This isn't a Gay thing either... The Gay guys take care of themselves and are happy to get to the gym floor and show off, NO This is a MENTAL ILLNESS

You know who you are, you hairy gross tubby malfunctions!

Stop hanging around the God damned locker rooms before I start a letter writing campaign to Congress

I don't think i'm perfect nor am I against anyone's rights... beauty is in the eye of the Beholder... I just don't wish to "behold" your crack or the "fellas" for a prolonged period of time more than necessary especially if there are scars, excess fat or hair or other deformities...

and you DON'T EVER Under any circumstances approach and put your God damned leg up on a bench to start a conversation with or w/o towel! Because that's even worse when it pops out at a guy unsuspecting like some damned jack in the box with an old deflated puppet

Put it away... No one wants to talk to you like that you freaks

haha I just want to let you know that your post has truly amused me. It was laugh out loud funny. I can relate to the twist tie dilema. I hate those things man.

reply to post by mopusvindictus


Maybe you can resolve both problems by bringing twist ties to the gym with you.
Be creative !!!
Hope that helps.

reply to post by mopusvindictus

OMG! That's freakin' hilarious! I had no idea that the guys gym locker room was so, uh, so....casual.

Can definitely sympathize. I'm surprised there have not been more fist fights in the locker rooms. Any gym locker rooms I've been in (girls only) have had shower stalls that were large enough and equipped with enough hooks that no one had to see you "raw".

You could go in completely dressed, strip, take your shower, towel off and re-dress all in the same shower stall. You only came back out when you were ready to blow dry your hair and put on your make-up.

There are definitely times I'm glad to be a girl. I would NOT want to go to the gym and see this...

reply to post by whitewave


The men's locker room at the gym is like prison training, you just have tread mills so you can learn how to run away. lol

What I don't comprehend is that 2.5% of guys... That think this is a great setup, they couldn't be happier than a pig in poo, it's not Gay it's just like some warped sense of bonding for these guys...

As long as we're ranting about the evil DARPA gnomes....

Telephone voice menus. Let me just say that whoever came up with voice menus should be publicly caned, horsewhipped, tarred and feathered then drawn and quartered.

I call some company. I just need to relay 10 seconds worth of information. I get a public service announcement that is recorded by someone who's had Wayyyyy too much Prozac and is talking to me like I'm 6 months old. You know that lilting, high-pitched, girly voice that makes you think of lollipops and skittle-pooping unicorns?

I know who I called, thank you. I don't need to hear who it is, what they do for a living, what their hours of operation are, their location, their mission statement, etc. ad nauseum. I wait patiently for it to be over. Then come the menu options.

If you have been on hold so long you've forgotten who you called...press 1.
If you have been on hold so long that you're ready to kill yourself...press 2.
If you've been on hold so long that you're now in your car driving to our location with an Uzi...press 911.

By the time I'm finished pushing buttons, I could have driven to the state in which they're headquartered, stood in line and stated my case in person.

And have you ever noticed that no matter what you want, it's never the first 5 people you talk to that are able to resolve the issue? You get to tell your story 5 different times and by the time you DO get to the correct bureaucrat, they're now at lunch, in a meeting, out sick, on vacation, or checked out for the day.
Please call back tomorrow and have a nice day.

If they don't want to talk to you why don't they just have a recording saying, "we don't want to talk to you but if you insist on making us do our job then please feel free to navigate your way through the maze of voice menu options because "your call is important to us".