As long as we're ranting about the evil DARPA gnomes....
Telephone voice menus. Let me just say that whoever came up with voice menus should be publicly caned, horsewhipped, tarred and feathered then drawn
I call some company. I just need to relay 10 seconds worth of information. I get a public service announcement that is recorded by someone who's
had Wayyyyy too much Prozac and is talking to me like I'm 6 months old. You know that lilting, high-pitched, girly voice that makes you think of
lollipops and skittle-pooping unicorns?
I know who I called, thank you. I don't need to hear who it is, what they do for a living, what their hours of operation are, their location, their
mission statement, etc. ad nauseum. I wait patiently for it to be over. Then come the menu options.
If you have been on hold so long you've forgotten who you called...press 1.
If you have been on hold so long that you're ready to kill yourself...press 2.
If you've been on hold so long that you're now in your car driving to our location with an Uzi...press 911.
By the time I'm finished pushing buttons, I could have driven to the state in which they're headquartered, stood in line and stated my case in
And have you ever noticed that no matter what you want, it's never the first 5 people you talk to that are able to resolve the issue? You get to
tell your story 5 different times and by the time you DO get to the correct bureaucrat, they're now at lunch, in a meeting, out sick, on vacation, or
checked out for the day.
Please call back tomorrow and have a nice day.
If they don't want to talk to you why don't they just have a recording saying, "we don't want to talk to you but if you insist on making us do our
job then please feel free to navigate your way through the maze of voice menu options because "your call is important to us".