inside the mind of a manic depressive..

or as it's called now bipolar.

i was diagnosed about 2-2.5 years ago. i was 29 and married. probably the happiest i had ever been in my life and i started to present with symptoms.
bipolar people go through stages of mania and depression. personally i go through more major depressive phases than i do manic ones.

very rarely am i 'stable'. i am usually depressed but sometimes far more than others. i keep track of my moods via a chart i downloaded from the net. when i am having a depressive episode sometimes i don't even get out of bed. i will be awake but i just lie there almost in a fetal position staring into nothingness.

i miss a lot of work but thankfully my bosses are lenient with me cause they know my condition.

now the manic phase of it. i don't get manic too often but when i do i tend to blow through my money. i buy stuff i don't need or want. i am super elevated and very agitated at the same time.

the smallest thing could set me off.
in a matter of moments i could go from manic to depressed..

anf then there is the hallucinations...it does not happen to me often but there have been a couple times where i have had a break from reality. i remember the things i hallucinated still. i hallucinated a knife fight between me and my dead father. i hallucinated my step father had died from his leukemia and i was helping my mother with the life insurance paperwork.
there were moments where i was in bed and could not figure out how to get out of my room.
i even hallucinated that clint eastwood called me and told me my dog was loose. that happened while i was in the hospital.


i hate living like this. i feel like i am at war with myself. my doctor said i will have to be on medicine for the forseeable future.
i have been hospitalized several times do to manic behavior. for my own safety and others around me is why i was put in. usually for 3-5 days at a time.

i take an antidepressant mixed with an antipsycotic, an antipsycotic and a mood stabilizer every day along with a benzo for anxiety.

it is not a fun illness to have. i hate it.
i am now divorced and looking back on things i think my wife started to drift away from me after i was diagnosed.
i have not been in a relationship since i was diagnosed and doubt if i ever will be again.
it takes all my energy to make it through day to day.

Do exercise everyday, and it will help alot, to calm your emotions.

No tablets will help more than exercise i have found for depression.

reply to post by andy1033


i really get no excercise.
it's hard to find the motivation to do it. i can barely get the motivation up to leave the house most days to go to work

reply to post by thing fish


No depression tablets will help you more than exercise. I put on enormous weight over last 8 years, and i started doing exercise last year, I could not even run 10 feet, i was totally knackered when started. Now i run 30 mins every morning. Lost alot of weight.

Get yourself your fav music, and a rowing machine, start from there. But jogging is the best exercise you can do, you want to build upto that.

trust me, no tablet will make you feel better than exercise. Its upto you, at the end of the day, i found music helps me past my motivation thing.

Thanks for the honest sharing. It's no picnic. Ive been bi-polar since 1977. Hospitalized about 25 or more times. I can relate.

It took my doctor quite a while for me to get the right meds figured out Having a bad marriage made it all the more hellish.

I do have two bright and beautiful grown sons. In spite all the garbage they had to live through, they turned out fine. They might get the illness yet, too.

Wish you the best.

Kind Regards,

Ann

P.S. Keep on the meds. Too many have died (suicide) thinking they didn't need or couldn't afford them.



[edit on 10/7/2009 by sad_eyed_lady]

reply to post by thing fish


Buy a Wii, when you play the games dont sit on the couch use it as an excuse to move around.

I'm serious.

I have a friend with it. She has been hospitalized twice because its effect. The latest was a few years ago when she went off her meds. The culmination of that was one afternoon when her car skidded to a halt in our front yard. She jumped out of it yelling, "Help! Help! They want me dead! The voices want me dead!" Thank goodness she was able to cry out for help and before it was too late.

Later she admitted to having halluciantions at that point in addtion to hearing voices.

Since that time her doctors have figured out what meds work for her and she has realized she has to stay on them. But, in doing that she has been able to hold down a job and find a boyfriend.

I honestly wish you better days.

peace to you



[edit on 7-10-2009 by Frogs]

reply to post by Frogs


thanks frogs. after all this time my doc and i are still trying to find a combo of meds that works for me. i was just prescribed a med yesterday that i have high hopes for.

I have no real first-hand experience with this but my heart goes out to you. My girlfriend suffers from this and I've witnessed the course and have come to understand the ups and downs (I cannot predict them). I've never been happier now, but initially her mood swings -- mainly from manic to depressive, and back again, caused me a lot of anxiety and misunderstandings ensued.

We began going to the gymn together in september and I can attest that things have improved. She seems far more secure and stable (partly due to the benefits I am getting from the exercise -- and my temperament seems less open to doubt).

Perhaps the fight or flight response has something to do with this, I'm sure you know more about that than I do. Exercise qualifies as fight biochemically, and it seems to work literal wonders.

I can sympathise with you, Im not a sociable person (though I try to be) and even when I force myself outdoors it seems everyone avoids me anyway, so I just generally lock myself in my room 24/7 and avoid contact with people as much as possible. Im out of work due to health issues and the current financial state, im basically the opposite of everything people expect me to be.

I was diagnosed with depression at the age of 12 and ive had traumatic periods of depression on and off since then up till now (im now 25.) Medication doesnt do a thing and I cant mix it anyway due to other tablets im on for my heart issues, so basically one day I can be fine and not have any problems and the next it feels like everythings collapsed around me. Only last week I was throwing bottles against the walls and kicking things over nothing, and people fail to remember that Bi-Polar is something hereditary and not just "made up." I'd never get to the point of hurting anyone else though as its always been self-inflicted frustration.

Ive found the best way of relaxing when not taking anything for Bi-Polar is Meditation and LOTS of comedy films, something to take your mind off the issue at hand (although going out for me isnt a option as socialisation makes me feel isolated at times) but a good book, or film always goes down well..or failing that drawing helps too.

I'm sorry you suffer from this illness. I can relate, as I grew up with a bi-polar father. He's 64 and was diagnosed with this illness about 35 years ago. My parents wound up divorcing because of this. At the time, he was going through a manic phase and that's what led up to the divorce. He was a JUCO basketball coach then and was on the road a lot which led to an affair. My parents did remarry though. My mom has been very understanding about his illness and everything that goes with it.

He finally went to the doctor after their 5 year long divorce and seemed to be getting better after he was put on meds. NEVER, NEVER stop taking them. The times my dad has been off have been a literal nightmare. Spending money like you have, drinking, and just all around bizarre behavior. He's been hospitalized a few times. He's in a depressive state right now. He's just coming down from a high that lasted about 8 months. When he hits the low he does much like you, and stays in the bed. The last time he did this, he was in the bed for over a year. Got up to eat and that was pretty much it.

The doctor's are constantly changing his meds because he builds up a resistance to them after a while. I don't know what the answer is for him or you or anyone that suffers from this monster disease except to STAY ON YOUR MEDS. On the days that you do feel motivated, I would suggest exercise too. Maybe just go for a walk. Believe me when I say, I understand why you say you can't find the motivation. Best of luck to you. Maybe one day, they'll find a cure for it. Until then, stick with what the doctor gives you. Might not hurt to see a different doctor after a while if you've been going to the same one for some time. A different perspective might be a good thing. My dad is scheduled to see a new doctor after 35 years with the same one.

I flagged your thread because this is something that many people aren't aware of, and if they are, don't realize how debilitating this illness is. My thoughts are with you.

[edit on 10/7/2009 by soldiermom]

can't type or formulate sentences today

[edit on 10/7/2009 by soldiermom]

reply to post by andy1033


No offense intended, but for people with bi-polar, it's absolutely imperative that they stay on medication. Otherwise, they wind up either being severely manic or severely depressed. Exercise is good, but it's not a cure-all for this disease.

My dad wound up with a DUI on one of his manic phases because he decided he didn't need the medication. That's one of the things that people with bi-polar tend to do. A lot. No meds means one extreme or the other, and as a result they do things they normally wouldn't do. Hence, the DUI.

reply to post by soldiermom


I never said get of meds, i said there are no tablets better for depression than exercise.

If you need your meds, than fine, but also include exercise, do not just sit around. Find ways to motivate yourself, into doing some exercise.

reply to post by andy1033


Sorry. Didn't mean to come across as interpreting your post as telling him to get off meds. I just wanted to emphasize that it's a must for people with bi-polar to stay on their meds.

Ah, welcome to my world guys. I take my meds for this disease. After 31 years of marriage I have been separated from my husband for 10 months and in January can apply for divorce. He had no empathy at all for what I was going through.

Sometimes (very rarely) I might wake up during the night with a panic attack (my mandibular splint) gets immediately taken and thrown into the air and I start looking for largictal or valium (these meds are just for these events) If I do not get to them quick enough it's the sharp knife I look for to cut my wrists. It's a race for this.

My adult daughter also has the same. Relationships have been a nightmare for her as well. I also have some OCD problems as well.

Not really social at all. Cannot stand a lot of people about, so parties are a no no, a nightmare for me.

reply to post by JackWestJr


It makes me so sad that people have to try and live a normal life with this, and that there's no help for it but meds. My dad doesn't do the people thing either when he's on a low. When he's on a high, he can't get enough of them. Their phone bill goes through the roof because of his need to talk to everyone. And I mean everyone. An hour at a time or longer, unless you hang up on him.

Hopefully, better days are ahead for those of you that suffer with this disease.

reply to post by thing fish



Get a bike a cheap bike my friend, find a long stretch of road. You will literally trance out and not have any problem on your mind and the effect is better if you do it at night before you sleep.

Originally posted by depth om
reply to post by thing fish

 

Get a bike a cheap bike my friend, find a long stretch of road. You will literally trance out and not have any problem on your mind and the effect is better if you do it at night before you sleep.

I find exercise is best in morning, as you have no food in your stomach, and it seems to have more effect on you and your hormones.

Just telling what my experience is.

thanks for all the replies and advice guys.
i have taken myself off my meds before and i will admit that bad things happened. i wound up in the hospital before. this was when i was taking lithium which i am no longer on.

Wow, thanks for posting. You may be bi-polar, but you don't lack courage.
Of course I'm sorry. I wish you didn't have it. But you will eventually hit on a combination of medications that will get you clicking on six cylinders again. It can take a while, but as long as you have a doctor who is willing to work with you, it WILL happen. You have to be tenacious. Bi-polar is not for the passive.

Just hang in there and remind yourself it might take a little more time but it will happen. On the bad days when you have no energy whatsoever, try to: Take a shower. Dress. Eat. Go for a walk. Even at a mall if you can take it. You don't want to because you are too tired. Do it anyway. It will make you feel better.

People with bi-polar disorder have difficulties because they stop taking their medications. Why? Because they miss their highly energized, omnipotent, brilliance during the manic state. Remember, others have a hard time being around those in a manic state. It can make many a docile person feel homicidal.
lol.

But thank you so much for taking the time to post this. It's very interesting to me, and you have probably helped someone else in the process. My best to you. Stay on top of it.