Politely Impersonal Behavior

Alright. I know there are many members of ATS who have wonderful insight into psychology and philosophy and it is to you that I am directing this thread.

How long would a person remain in love with someone whose outlook and demeanor could be summed up with these two definitions?

Politeness: Well-mannered behavior toward others: civility , courteousness , courtesy , genteelness , gentility , mannerliness.

Impersonal: Showing no emotion or personality. Aloofness. Not responsive to or expressive of human personalities. Detached, disinterested, indifferent.

If your personality can be summarized with these definitions;

Honest: Marked by or displaying integrity; upright: ... Not deceptive or fraudulent; genuine.

Outgoing: Openly friendly and responsive.


Can you imagine how these two people would get along in a committed relationship? What problems would you foresee between these two that stem from their apparently contradictory personalities?

How can two people overcome these inherent personality traits to achieve a harmonious, balanced, healthy relationship?

I know there are some very wise individuals on this board and I look forward to your input on this scenario.

Well, it takes two different minds to teach each other and show what the other would miss. We are programed by our experiences to be a certain way, and because of this, we miss out on certain things, just out of plain not seeing it.
There is only one thing that brings us all together, no matter how we think, or feel, and that is Communication of those said feelings and thoughts.

Some people just don't feel experiences the same way as others, And in a relationship, yes this can be difficult at times, seeing how one will feel one way about said subject while the other feels the opposite of the spectrum. But when you communicate these feelings thoughts, you merge them between the both of you, completing an ever growing picture of the world around us.

This is why many feel Opposites attract, If your with someone who likes everything you do, thinks like you do and feels like you do, You only tend to see the world as you do. But mix that up, and You start to blend, and make new colors. Mix it up alot, and you can paint the whole picture.

If you find your having issues based on the difference of Opinion, make sure to communicate that, and discover why and how each of you came to this conclusion. Theres a Reason men and women are almost polar opposites, if we thought the same, we'd prolly still use clubs and spears.

Just remember, Without communication, your relationship is just a relation.

I don't see that those character traits are necessarily conflicting.

But if you do, there's always the old saying - opposites attract.

As I type this, my husband is going on about some car part that has some sort of huge significance to him, yet bores me to death, as it doesn't keep the car running.

I have told him before that I have no interest in vehicles, other than to put gas in them and drive.

Ok, I just gave him an obliglatory, uh huh! Don't ask me what the hell he is going on about, because I have no clue. Hopefully he doesn't quiz me later!

On the flip side, he get's bored of me when I try to explain why I need a certain moisterizer for different areas of my face.

People can change from day to day. I love my husband dearly, yet I find myself oddly detached from any discussion about cars.

We get along great by the way!

reply to post by 10001011


Thank you very much for this very insightful answer. I appreciate the effort and time you took to express your thoughts. You made some very valid points worth considering.

With these two personality characteristics involved in a committed relationship, I can see how perceptions could cause many problems between them in opinion and communication.

One is very polite yet introverted. The other is extremely honest, without the "polite" dressing and is extroverted. Their characters determine their ability to communicate effectively (or inability). Because one is more concerned with outward appearances and the other more concerned with inner workings, their communication stems from entirely opposite ends of the spectrum. How can they overcome this obstacle?

I loved the last line in your post! Without communications a relationship is just a relation. That was brilliant.

reply to post by Blanca Rose


hehehehe

My son is like your husband. All he ever talks about is cars! Its to the point where I can't really focus on what he says anymore. Droning on and on about cars. And he is only 12.

I appreciate the point you made. I'm very glad you get along great! That makes me happy. I'm always curious about people who have managed to build strong healthy relationships and how they do it.

reply to post by Hazelnut


Okay I'm extremely interested in Psychology and the human mind and although your question isn't really my area of expertise I'll give it a shot:

Take the following negative characteristics you listed:

Impersonal: Showing no emotion or personality. Aloofness. Not responsive to or expressive of human personalities. Detached, disinterested, indifferent.

I think you will agree that those qualities represent a negative person and could quite easily be attributed to a killer for example.

But yet many killers enjoy killing and will quite happily express this, however that contradicts: Showing no emotion or personality

I know thats a little off topic with regards to your question but hopefully you understand the point I'm making.

I think peoples emotions and characteristics are complex and aren't usually black & white so its hard to stereotype a fictional relationship on the basis of clear cut descriptions of characteristics.

i.e. Killers are frequently described as having no emotion yet show happiness over their crimes.

Also, I don't think its possible to have a human being completely devoid of emotion. Hitler is described as an evil man and is often called evil, but did he see himself as such? Did the extermination of the jews cause him pain? Or happiness?

Emotions are a very interesting thing.

Can you imagine how these two people would get along in a committed relationship? What problems would you foresee between these two that stem from their apparently contradictory personalities?

A large amount of problems at first and I mean large!

How can two people overcome these inherent personality traits to achieve a harmonious, balanced, healthy relationship?

Well there must have been something each person saw in the other that they liked for them to fall in love in the first place!

So, focus on that as a starting point.

Then if two people love each other they will work together on their differences and as 10001011 says above communication is vital.

Interestingly, I think that as a couple you sort of develop a shared personality after long enough. You get used to being with each other and adopt traits from one and another.

i think another word for impersonal is passive.
correct me if im mistaken.

reply to post by Hazelnut

One is very polite yet introverted. The other is extremely honest, without the "polite" dressing and is extroverted. Their characters determine their ability to communicate effectively (or inability). Because one is more concerned with outward appearances and the other more concerned with inner workings, their communication stems from entirely opposite ends of the spectrum. How can they overcome this obstacle?

As I said I think you develop a shared personality and think its possible over a period of time for the introverted person to gain a degree of confidence from their partners extroverted persona.

It is also possible however that the introverted person becomes jealous of the partner because they wish they were more like them! i.e. Confident

I think in this scenario you need to rely on the extroverted person as the introverted person won't be very forward about their feelings. This can lead to interpretation and fall outs!

I know alot about this situation by the way, can you tell?

reply to post by Hazelnut


Well the only way to break through that, is to understand why and how they got to feeling that way about said subject, at the same time remembering why you like certain things.

If you can not relate with the subject, relate with the feelings you both have towards things you love and dislike. You can almost always find common ground with anyone, because after all we may be different, but we have the same parts.

And don't forget, theres plenty of things you both have yet to experience, Personal Experience is needed, but also couple experiences need to be forged as well, and with that come shared feelings and thoughts.

I'd take a small weekend vacation, and reconnect doing something both of you have never done before. Just because someone isnt displaying a certain type of emotion or isnt understanding you, doesn't mean they are incapable of it, it takes patience and effort, and a whole lotta love.

reply to post by platipus


You are right. Passive is a more positive way of thinking about it. Impersonal is probably too strong a word and imbues a sense of uncaring, which in this case, is not true.

reply to post by Death_Kron

It is also possible however that the introverted person becomes jealous of the partner because they wish they were more like them! i.e. Confident

I never thought of it that way. If one person is confident and open and the other is "passive" and not willing to expose themselves I suppose a form of jealousy could arise.

The outgoing personality may feel insulted by the closed nature of the passive one and the passive one may feel threatened by the extrovert. I think you're on to something significant with that observation.

reply to post by 10001011


My heart melted with this statement you made.

I'd take a small weekend vacation, and reconnect doing something both of you have never done before. Just because someone isnt displaying a certain type of emotion or isnt understanding you, doesn't mean they are incapable of it, it takes patience and effort, and a whole lotta love.

Of course, any healthy balanced relationship takes effort and sacrifice. By following your advice, this couple could rebuild bridges that may have been burned in past miscommunications.

reply to post by Hazelnut


The passive individual could feel jealous because they wished they were more confident like their extrovert partner.

Their confident partner seems to be the life and soul of a party always making people laugh and having a good time while the passive individual just quietly sits there envious that they don't have that level of confidence.

Alternatively...

The extrovert individual could feel insulted or feel like they have done something wrong due to the quiet nature of the passive individual.

The extrovert thinking what has he/she done wrong why is my partner not talking to me? Whats up?

Extrovert, being the person he/she is, questions the introvert - "Whats wrong hun? Your being very quiet?"

Introvert, being the person he/she is, replies "Nothing. I'm fine"

Extrovert thinks that somethings definately wrong.

Introverts need to realise that people are not mystic megs and even though it can be hard for them at times they need to express how they feel or people will never now and that can lead to a multitude of negative situations.

reply to post by Blanca Rose


Thank you. I went through this too with my ex wife. I kept the cars running, four of them at all times when the kids were in high school. she drove 70 miles a day commuting to and from work. She was like you, put in the key and it goes, don't know anything about it, and don't want to know either. My new wife is interested in the car, and wants to learn what makes it work. If I say it needs a part, she wants to know all about the part, what it is, what it does. By watching me, she has basically learned how to put a computer tower together and load software.

On the issue, my wife and I are as opposite as can be. We even have separate TV sets and computers. Yet, we can see something in the other, and like each other's company, and down deep, we love each other, no matter what happens. We both get "hit on" occasionally, but take this all in stride. We are getting ready for the walk to the Other Side together.

reply to post by Death_Kron


You have hit the double bullseye.

Why then do intoverts and extroverts attract? What an odd psychological thing to occur and yet people say that opposites attract naturally (kosmic Jack ). Is it because each sees something in the other that is lacking in themselves, or a trait that each would like to incorporate in their respective personalities? Only to discover that it is harder to mix oil with water than one had originally bargained for?

Should then the extrovert take the lead in the relationship by changing their own personality? By doing so, paving the way for the introvert to feel more confident and self-assured?

Can the extrovert become something he/she is not by sheer willpower and love?

Does the introvert recognize the turmoil his/her personality causes the partner? If so, does it further inhibit the introvert?

Sorry for all the questions, but you seem to know precisely what you're talking about and you make wonderful sense.

reply to post by Hazelnut

Why then do intoverts and extroverts attract? What an odd psychological thing to occur and yet people say that opposites attract naturally (kosmic Jack ). Is it because each sees something in the other that is lacking in themselves, or a trait that each would like to incorporate in their respective personalities? Only to discover that it is harder to mix oil with water than one had originally bargained for?

To be honest I think it could be either of the two things you mentioned.

I would add the following reasons:

A.) They find their partners opposite behaviour attractive.

B.) They are attracted because two positives or two negatives repel i.e. A relationship between two extroverts would see each individual fighting for the lime light in the relationship, both would constantly be trying to out-do the other. Interestingly in this situation one of the extroverts can become a short lived introvert in the sense that his/her partner out shone him/her on a particular occasion.

C.) Maybe on a subconscious level the extrovert likes controlling the introvert and the introvert likes being controlled, just because that is their personality.

Should then the extrovert take the lead in the relationship by changing their own personality? By doing so, paving the way for the introvert to feel more confident and self-assured?

Depends on how extrovert he/she is I would say, if they were extremely extroverted/big headed then I don't think they would change that easily but with love anything is possible.

I think the extrovert should be sensitive and allow the introvert to develop at their own pace, allow them to be more confident.

Note: Believe it or not the extrovert can actually end up disliking the fact that his previous introverted partner has a new found sense of confidence. Thats were even an extrovert can feel insecure and threatened...

Can the extrovert become something he/she is not by sheer willpower and love?

It's a balance in my opinon, getting it right between extroverted and introverted. But as I said before, with love anything is possible.

Does the introvert recognize the turmoil his/her personality causes the partner? If so, does it further inhibit the introvert?

I would say no they don't realise, thats just the way they are. I would say however that the extroverts anger at his/her partners introverted nature would cause the passive partner to be further introverted!

[edit on 7/10/09 by Death_Kron]

reply to post by Death_Kron


In your first reply, you mentioned that you are very interested in psychology but that this is not your area of expertise!!! I must correct you by pointing out that your perspective is very well thought out and explained simply so that even I can understand.

If you are not already endowed with the title of Doctor, I hereby bestow the Honorary Title upon you now. Dr. Death_Kron.

Seriously, thank you for participating in this discussion. It is very interesting to me. I've been observing people for quite some time and may have come to some incorrect conclusions along the way. Its helpful to have someone to discuss these things with in an impersonal, detached way.

I admit to trying to figure out if, in your relationships, you are the intro or extrovert. I'm baffled about that. What I am sure of is that you are very wise and thoughtful.

When trying to understand intimately the personality traits of another person, it is often helpful to have impartial advice and insight so that one can "see" what it might be like from another perspective.

When one is blatantly honest about everything (threatening?) and does not hesitate to make their points with one who is painfully polite, does not want confrontation and avoids expressing their innermost feelings, the rift widens to the point that neither is capable of overcoming internal hurt to feel the other's confusion.

Originally posted by Hazelnut

How long would a person remain in love with someone whose outlook and demeanor could be summed up with these two definitions?

Whatever the definitions, the deciding factor is often how long a person is able to project his or her phantasms onto the object of love and feed on them. (I am referring to typical erotic love AKA being "in love" - not to other feelings of attachment.)

With that in mind, I'd say: the blanker the "canvas", the longer the illusion (hence being "in love") - unless there is too little feedback, so the emotions wither.

The person described in your post does seem like a "blank" canvas, so chances are the other person could stay "in love" for a relatively long time - again, provided there is at least minimal feedback to fan the emotions.

But that - obviously! - depends on the other person, too.
After all, people are not abstract entities or merely psychological "types".
And the other person, frankly, sounds too healthy, too mature in his or her attitude towards others and him/herself, to stay "in love" for long without having penetrated the veneer of the first person (the "blank canvas").






[edit on 7-10-2009 by Vanitas]

reply to post by Vanitas


Thank you Vanitas for your interesting reply. You bring another perspective to the question that is intriguing. The blank canvas metaphor is appropriate and your insight is helpful.

People must want to cooperate to even be able to begin to comprehend each other. It takes a willingness on both parts to understand first, then project possible solutions to problems that are often left unaddressed because of the lack of understanding between the two.