Why do people cheat on their partners?

I don't think that this is something that can rationalized or even something that there can be an excuse for. Really, there is no excuse for bad behavior...I think that sometimes things just happen. It is a choice that is made be it spur of the moment or one that was maybe given a lot of fore -thought... I have been married for 24 years...I have never cheated and do not think that it is something that I would ever be inclined to do...even if I thought that he would never know...I would know... I am not trying to sound judgemental...what someone else does is not my business, I speak only for myself.

Originally posted by mblahnikluver

Originally posted by watsgoingon?

Originally posted by JaxonRoberts

me-myself-i-dont-understand-this-phenomonon??

right-now-in-these-times-it-seems-to-be-fashionable-to-cheat.

i-blame-T.V-and-especially-music-the-music-that-is-all-over-the-charts-for-eg:Timbaland-and-artists-he-is-producing-for,-alot-of-the-songs-are-in-that -vein,-cheating-and-"getting-down"-and-the-like?

as-they-say-"music-is-food-for-the-soul"-and-that-music-is-having-the-same-effect-as-fast-food-is-having-on-our-physical-health!

maybe-he-made-a-deal-with-the-"devil"?

peace

Wow you could be right! I mean look at tv esp reality tv where one can supposedly find love and marriage in a 12 wk period with cameras following them around all the time. Yeah right! All those people are ACTING! Music...yes I see what you mean there too!

yeh-mblahniklover-im-pretty-sure-its-a-big-part-of-the-problem-if-u-use-a-bit-of-common-sense-to-changes-in-society-and-stuff-that-changed-with-it-eg: music?

right,-people-sayingsaying-it's-human-nature-n-that?its-a-part-of-it-but-we-all-are-very-impressionable-as-a-civilisation-eh...

there-wasnt-as-much-evil-in-the-world-50years-ago,-i-mean-murders,-perverts-and-adultery-in-relation-to-the-public-anyway-as-im-lead-to-believe?

there-was-basic-T.V-with-no-shady-programmes-on-and-music-was-alot-more-light-hearted-no-guns,bitches,and,murder?-Yes?

that-covers-murder-and-adultery,as,to-the-pervs?-god-only-knows?

i-have-ideas-about-stuff-in-this-vein-aswell-as-this-but-i-may-start-a-thread-to-see-what-people-have-to-say-about-that-stuff

anyway-thats-my-thoughts???

peace

reply to post by JaxonRoberts


i-dont-mean-for-it-to-sound-like-im-ramming-this-down-your-throats

sorry-just-read-it-there--my-bad

any-questions-on-what-iv'e-said-are-very-welcome-as-i-have-thought-about-this-quite-a-bit?

peace

Hmm.. thought I would take a break from the Jesus thread and this one popped up..:-P

Well, I am polyamorous. My wife and I just celebrated our 10th anniversary and we've had an open marriage for 8 of those years. We are happier now than we have ever been and certainly much better off than we were in our "traditional" marriage.

So that being said, we are not promiscuous. Part of that has to do with being in the American bible belt, the other part has to do with our style, meaning that we tend to shy away from one night stands. We are 100% open and honest with each other. Cheating to us means lieing -- about anything. We talk all the time and I think THAT is what keeps us together.

So if we don't need to use the promise of sex as a means of indenturing ourselves to each other we are free to enjoy carnal pleasures with others as we desire. This means there is less sexual tension in the marriage and less built up resentment and stagnation.

Anyway, that's my take on it. Your milage may vary.

[edit on 7-14-2009 by rogerstigers]

Originally posted by JaxonRoberts
This is a human phenomenon that I truly don't understand. I know that they say it's instinct. That males are genetically driven to 'spread their seed', and females are genetically driven to bond with one male. But women cheat as well as men, so it can't just be genetic. There must be a psychological component.

I have never cheated on someone, but have been cheated on almost every time. Thoughts???

Well, from the male perspective: First and foremost, take comfort in the knowledge that you have resisted temptation where others couldn't and admire yourself for your strength-I do believe that people are instrinsicly good and cheating is in most cases, not all, NOT about hurting or revenge on your partner...mostly self insecurity. I know that in the few instances I have strayed (from ex girlfriends, never my wife) that it was sort of low self esteem on my part, mostly the thrill of being found attractive and desirable by a stranger/ new aquaintance...the dirty, but on a twisted level euphoric self-centered "glee" of being noticed. It is only after the deed is done that most realize that the chase was much more fun than the kill.

I have had many partners over the years (specially college, good god) but in very rare instances actually cheated b/c I was almost never in a relationship at the time. I steered clear of serious relationships for huge amounts of time because I knew I wasnt ready to commit ( I got married at 30)...am glad i did this because i worked it out of my system...the desire to be with another woman, in fact, the idea of being physical with another is quite a gross thought to me now, and has been for some time. I no longer needed the pathetic self-affirmation i sought for so long in other partners, and not because of the cliche that i get it from my wife...because i really get it from myself. See, my wife provides all the security, thrill, and lustful fullfillment I need because I ALLOW HER TO. Simple as that. Until a man reaches this level of self-understanding/ acceptance, monogomy is an exercise in futility - he will overtly or self consciously search for the mythical "Mrs. Right" until he ALLOWS her to exist for him.

Despite your unforunate track record, the cheating has very little to do with you...as long as you are self-sustaining emotionally, somewhat sexually open minded and practice proper hygeine, (and also never, never, never request his "roster"), let self-doubt out the door with the last ex-man/child who wasted your time and move on. You cant control his cheating, only he can and only when he is ready.

Interesting reading so far on the responses you have recieved. I have to tell you as someone who has been cheated on and in turn has cheated, neither of the experiences leave good feeling for either party involved.

I am no relationship expert but I do feel if what you said in your post is accurate well to be brutally honest, you may be the problem. Don't get me wrong but from a psychological stand point it makes sense to look for the common denominator when faced with a recurring problem and in this case it may be something you are doing or not doing.

Is there give and take in your relationship? Are you and your partner essentially equals? Do you take your partner for granted? Does your partner take you for granted? Are you a traditional couple? Are you a non conforming couple? are your common interests easy to enjoy? Are you real with your partner?

Over the years I have learned that there is limit to what men and women can share and that is o.k. I do not want my partner attached at my hip 24 7 but we do spend the majority of our free time together doing things we both enjoy. There has to be time with friends away from each other as well.

It's all a matter of choice, and self-discipline. I'm currently with a girl whom I love deeply, and we plan on marrying one day. Being in College, it makes it hard to keep my eyes on one thing at a time. Me and her both acknowledged we're only human, and that we are going to be attracted to other people, it's just whether we act on these actions or not that makes a difference.

Just last Christmas I went back home to Colorado, and saw some old friends. For 4 years I had tried to hook up with one of the girls that eventually became one of my best friends. She finally offered herself to me. It was an unbearable temptation of going through with it, knowing my current girlfriend would never know, and knowing I spent so much time chasing her. But I knew that I was with someone who I loved very dearly, and I didn't need to run the risk. I CHOSE not to act on those temptations, and thats what seperates us from the "cheaters." Whether or not we choose to act on our feelings.

Because I don't care who you are, you'll be attracted to other people other than the one you are with now. It's human nature. Just keep it to yourself, and don't act on it, and you'll be fine.

reply to post by DarkHelmet


Oh, DH...

I applaud your force of will...but I suspect you will have some nagging regrets about this for a long long time. Maybe not wrist-slitting regret, but disappointment none the less. Congrats on your engagement - she's a lucky girl.

CDS

Actually, it's quite the opposite. I feel no feelings of regret or anything, and made me feel even more highly about myself and my decisions because of it. And it told me I do have the power to control irresistible things lol.

And we aren't quite engaged yet... mostly because i can't afford that ring as a college kid! But our anniversary is actually my Birthday, November 6th. And because her and i like to associate dates and such, I plan on proposing on her birthday, October 22nd.

People become bored. They look for novelty in other people. Lust recides in the eyes. Anyone can fall into lust if they look at attractive people long enough or even by accident just once. Sometimes the other person feels lust also or pretends to feel lust. People know what is right but can rationalize anything. All spouses are humans with well known faults;while, the objects of lust are idealized. Never underestimate the destructive power of lust. Anyone can be made a fool of by lust.

reply to post by JaxonRoberts

and females are genetically driven to bond with one male.

I personally think women cheat just as much if not more then men... Women however are less likely to get caught. Just my opinion.

As to why we cheat... because the whole notion of marriage and union with one person for our entire lives is a moronic idea that fails more often than not. Again. Just my opinion.

Originally posted by lewtra
reply to post by watsgoingon?

 

Have you got a on screen keyboard in 'accessories'?if so,use the space bar

Why do people cheat!1: If you have a itch,you've just got to scratch it.
2:As long as you don't find out,there's nothing to worry about.

[edit on 14/7/2009 by lewtra]

those thoughts blow me away, at least you are honest

why do people hide things?

I believe cheating could be blamed on our lack of morality here in America. Which could then be traced to godlessness or maybe I should say lack of religion. Whether or not Jesus Christ is all he is cracked up to be is one thing. No, that's not necessarily what's relevant. Our society functioning better under terms religion is what's important here. We need some form of religion to keep us from ripping each others heads off... and... cheating on our partners.

I have a much more interesting question:

Why do people become partners of cheaters?


[edit on 17-7-2009 by Geladinhu]

Originally posted by JaxonRoberts
This is a human phenomenon that I truly don't understand. I know that they say it's instinct. That males are genetically driven to 'spread their seed', and females are genetically driven to bond with one male. But women cheat as well as men, so it can't just be genetic. There must be a psychological component.

I have never cheated on someone, but have been cheated on almost every time. Thoughts???

A) Its the thrill of the chase or to be chased.

B) You need to re evaluate your criteria.

Originally posted by deprogrammer
reply to post by JaxonRoberts

 

BOREDOM INSECURITY LACK OF SELF CONFIDENCE/ EGO/
FEAR OF BEING OLD ONE DAY / PEER PRESSURE LOW MORALS

just wanted to add a few...

fresh, exciting, "illegal", wrong, change of direction.

last straw, revenge, fed up, over it, no longer care...

reply to post by JaxonRoberts


Just as the mind can wander so too can the heart.

It should not be called cheating. That is something that you do on a test.

It should be called betrayal. That is what it is.

I think people that cheat are short sited or cowards. There may be many reasons, but in the end, your not being honest with your partner, or yourself.

Wanting cake and eat it too, is just dishonesty . Should also add immaturity.

Tell your partner and move on. Why drag it out? It will always be a selfish reason.

I have been cheated on, I have been the cheater . Looking back at those times, I know what it feels like.

It takes a mature person to look at something and work at it. At my age now I know that, age then, did not. I should have also realized back then that
I was not ready to partake of a serious relationship. That is where that selfishness comes in along with short sightedness.

All is good now, over 12 years of marriage. Could he cheat? You bet you.
We are human and I do not trust humans , we are not Gods despite some people who think so

Originally posted by tristar

A) Its the thrill of the chase or to be chased.

I will chime in, but with a little twist:
I think that in love relations, we all carve for attention, dedication and tenderness.
That's what we have when we are fresh lovers. And then times goes by.

Some people will find again in cheating this delicious heartbeat they missed so long...
The danger of being caught add to the adrenaline. So heart is pumping like in the beginnings...

My 2c advice: two partners should try and love like the first time. Don't let boredom and everyday care harm your love.

TheTilde

A lot of people cheat on their partners in order to hurt their partner. They figure they're hurting their partner whether or not their partner learns of their betrayal.

People also cheat in order to reinvent themselves and their life

They cheat as revenge: maybe their partner cheated on them or maybe they just suspect they did

They cheat because they're opportunists, in the same way they might find a wallet and not return it, or grab the opportunity to buy something that fell off a truck

They cheat for gain: they might hope this new person will have more money, more material possessions, more social clout, etc

They cheat because at the time, they think they can get away with it, simple as that