The angry man

Let's give this one a shot. I'm writing this one off the top of my head and basically it's fresh out of the oven, so it's bound to be HOT! puns aside, I really mean it'll probably have a defect here and there and be distasteful at certain times. anyway, pretense aside, it's called the angry man because it's about a very angry man and is written from his perspective. No, im not this angry man by extension or otherwise. I mean lets face it, this guy im about to write about is NUTS and this story is rather out there.


I'm Luke. I'm on my way to work now on board the SubRail Magxpress. This mag-tube train was pretty neat because... whoops, gotta get up and get out. Anyway, that's what I was about to say: it's a fast method of transportation.

"woops, sorry buddy, didn't see you there." a tall man, an oaf, bumps into me causing me to drop my suitcase.

"quite allright, my friend. Hey," I bent as I noticed he dropped a bill of money, "you dropped some cash."

"Thanks!" Peculiarly, as I arched my back upwards again after leaning over, I noticed his arm was quickly retracted. He ran away before I could say or think anything, so I proceded to the magtube to my building.

I entered the module and quickly appeared in my office. Amazing how the computer recognized my DNA and place of work. Being late was a thing of the past, luckily. I was thirsty, so I walked up to the nearby vending machine. I patted my pocket for my cash and realized that my wallet was gone.

"OK!" I shouted, "Now I'm angry!!!" I was totally upset as I realized the man I helped conned me out of my cash.

I proceeded to tip over some cabinets, and let out a satisfactory grunt upon seeing some glass shatter as it fell through the break-room's window. That wasn't enough, so I grabbed a pipe that happened to be sitting there and smashed the vending machine.

"Call the cops! Luke has lost his mind!" The local gossip-bitch ranted on.

"I'll give you some cops!" I said as I hit a nearby apple like a baseball with my pipe, smashing it and covering her in apple goo. Not wanting to be persecuted by local authorities, I hightailed it outta there. As I went down the chute, a thought came across my head that was quite peculiar. I LIKE being this angry. The train came by rather quickly and this did not please me.

"You bloody train! Why do you have to be so quick!" I smashed it up with my new friend, a titanium pipe I found back at work. The people poured out of there and sirens started wailing. Oh, I had really done it now. Confirming this were three security guards steadily approaching me.

"Sir, put the pipe down. Please calm down." One of them was obviously setting himself up for something.

"No! I won't calm down! I was robbed today! Where were you when this happened, huh?" I said angrily.

"Sir, please, would you please -mmpph" I interrupted his request as I threw some discarded lunch at his face. The other two took this seriously, and so did I. I beat them both up with my pipe, which was as flawless as when I first found it. I checked for pulses and luckily, they were still alive.

"Ahhhh, I LIKE this," I thought to myself as I comandeered the train. "Ive always wanted to pilot one of these." having no idea which button does which, I hit them all, and the train took off with great speed. When I saw my familiar station, I hit the big red button thinking it stood for stop. It didn't.

The train started firing lasers everywhere and the innocent people there started screaming and shouting in fear. After I zipped through the station, a monitor came alive in my chambers with a rather ugly unshaven man with the police.

"Unknown terrorist. Please stop your vehicle and desist." So they think I'm a terrorist now? I'll show them! I pressed the red button over and over again and lasers continually shot through the tubes which contained my train. This caused the train to stop, and I removed the laser cannons from the train and started walking. I found a nearby emergency exit, and before I knew it, I found myself in broad daylight.

I wasn't alone, however. There were cops everywhere as they apparently tracked the movements of my train. Fortunately, I had brought along my laser canons, and zapped them all to smithereens. Then, the # hit the fan. Some armored vans started pulling in as more people started to scream. Before they could even jump out, I blasted the vans back to the stone age with my trusty cannons.

"This is fun!" I shouted cynically. I started panting as I was quite out of breath from all the craziness. I couldnt relax for long, as a helicopter started to breathe down my neck, "Won't you back off?!" I shouted as I blasted the metal bird out of the sky.

That wasn't the last of my troubles, as when I walked into a bar, I saw my face on a TV News report. "Uh... hi." I said nervously and raising one of my cannons to the air, "Give me a goddamned kamikaze!"

"The shot or the cocktail?" The bartender asked me.

"What the hell do you think?! Of course the bloody cocktail, you idiot!" The people in the bar were now huddling in fear under their barstools. As I drank the mix, I noticed the shadow of some brave idiot coming up behind me. I blasted him with the cannon and put a hole straight through his leg. I laughed as he started having a seisure on the floor. As this happened, everyone rushed out of the bar like a herd of stampeding cows, including that moronic bartender.

Now that I would be alone for a minute or two, I started flipping the channels. When I got to CNN, I saw a news report out of the corner of my eye that bugged me.

"I, as the president of the united states, have declared a new world order. in light of this, I will be declaring martial law and voiding our constitution."

"Oh, that's it! Now Im really #ing mad!!!" I ran towards the presidential palance and turned the knob on one of my cannons to maximum setting. Before I could even think of firing, some tanks intercepted me and started shooting at me! They fired first, so I gave them a taste of concentrated photons. That took care of it, and the cannon that was on full blast had completely eviscerated the presidential palace.

"Oops," I said to myself as I felt a bit of remorse for my actions.

That was to change, however, as an entire army starts shooting at me. I run for cover under some tank scrap, and blast them with the cannon that was still on full blast. "I have got to turn down that setting," I thought to myself. I was thirsty again, so I went down to another local bar. Luckily for me, it was empty, so I helped myself to a Long Island. I heard some whimpering nearby me and approached the source.

"Please don't hurt me," a man said, protecting himself with his briefcase as if that would help, "ive got a wife and six kids."

"Relax, old chum. Here have a drink with me." I said as I felt lonely.

"Why are you doing all of this?" He asked me.

"I'm pissed off because some guy robbed me and because another dope robbed me of my constitution."

"But dont you think this New World Order thing is a great idea? Our leader is a great man." His eyes got all gleamy with wonder, "I'm excited about all of the changes-" I finished him off with my pipe before he even lifted the drink to his lips.

"One less idiot roaming the streets," I thought.

"Freeze!" some SWAT guy busted down the door and the national guard came pouring in through the bar. Before I could even push the button on the cannon, I was pierced by what had to be at least a hundred bullets. I fell to the floor, twitchingly and in despair. I felt that I was dying, but for some reason, it didn't seem that way.

"What's happening here, sir?" Some FNG started shaking in his boots as he saw me get up from a pool of my own blood, "This is like the movies."

"Yes," I said in my new dastardly voice, "This IS like the movies. And you're going to die!" They opened fire on me, but I mustve been a ghost or something as the bullets went right though me. I confirmed this when I tried to pick up my laser cannon, and it fell right on my foot while firing the entire time. The entire raiding party was vaporized, but the laser kept firing. I walked through it, since I was invincible now after all, and saw it punch a hole straight through the city.

In this rebirth, I felt that I had a goal in mind. I could only leave this plane of existence if I satisfied that goal. I started running and eventually picked up speed. Travelling as fast as light, I was suddenly in another country.

"You!" I shouted to the queen, "You're an evil bitch and it's time to put an end to your bull#!" I threw my arm at her and she fell to the floor. Guards started pouring in and I ran away, though I had nothing to fear. I hit my brakes when I got to the financial district of a major commercial city.

"It's HIM!" some troops were stationed there waiting for me, but they were no match for my power. I converted my anger in an energy blast, and let out an explosion as large and as devestating as a 10 MOAB's. Shattered gold bricks started falling back to the ground as the blast had not only penetrated the bunker they were stored in, but also had seemed to bring them up from there. The laws of physics were going haywire, it would seem. I looked around at the crumbling buildings and took satisfaction from this, but was nowhere near finished.

I did this again at several other financial districts, and visited other royal households and gave them their dues. Some of them tried to counter me with their witchcraft, but they were no match for my inability to be bound by the conventional laws of science. I did this over and over again until there were no more undergroundbunkers, military bases, gold reserves, and castles left on the planet. Everywhere I did this, the people rejoiced and ran towards the valuables that would continuously be ejected from my incursions into the domains of the overly wealthy. I realized I wasn't so angry anymore, and everyone lived happily ever after.

[Edited on 5/3/2004 by AlnilamOmega]