Help In Domestic Disputes Is Only For Women, Men Are Totally Ignored

The first page of my phone book is 911 plus a few numbers for poison information, Crime Stoppers, environmental spills, etc...

The second page is emergency help lines.

Assaulted Women's Helpline
FEMAIDE
Halton Women's Place
Inasmuch House For Women In Crisis
Interval House (for women)
Martha House Helpline
Native Women's Centre
Wife Assault Helpline

The page also has The Kids Help Phone, Gambling Helpline, Crisis Outreach (the police), and things like suicide prevention.
But not a single entry for men going through spousal abuse.

I've found a marriage councilor that takes gay couples, he's also gay, but he just seems to be bringing up all the dirt and our relationship is worse.
On March 1st we'll have been together for 20 years, and now it's falling apart.

After I was attacked last night I ended up calling the suicide prevention line to ask where I could turn for help. The only suggestion was to call the police or go to AA because alcohol was involved. Then I called COAST, they do mental health out calls. They wouldn't come out because he was violent and I should call the police.

I don't want him in jail, I think we can work it out. We have so much invested in this relationship and the only help I can get is being told to call the police.


There should be more help for men. :bnghd:





Edit: spelling

[edit on 9/2/2009 by anxietydisorder]

All's I can say, sadly, is that you're right.

BUT. If you feel you might be in danger, at all... I would very strongly advise you to at least go to a friend or somehow absent yourself until he calms down, for your own safety.

And I know those hotlines all mention women, but it might be worth calling one anyway, just to explain your situation and ask what they might recommend.

Hope it works out okay--I know it's a tough situation, and my heart goes out to you.

Originally posted by quitebored

BUT. If you feel you might be in danger, at all...

Thanks quitebored,

I don't think I'm really in danger. He's got 50 lbs on me, but I'm quick and have some training in hand to hand. He got one good shot at me yesterday because he swung with his left, but I had him disabled pretty fast.

It's hard to understand his violence, it's a sudden change from just a few months ago.
The pain in my heart is far worse than any punch could inflict.




Edit: shortened quote

[edit on 9/2/2009 by anxietydisorder]

reply to post by anxietydisorder


Man, you need to get out of that relationship, been there, done that, not good, 8 years later no change. They turn it around to make YOU feel bad, and even sorry for them, don't fall for it, they KNOW they are doing this, they are aware. As long as you let them, they will keep doing it. Your Vulnerability and your love is all they need to pray on, and they will.

I am quite concerned for you now dude, seriously, it isn't worth it, he doesn't respect you. YOU are worth more, and DESERVE better. Sometimes you need to respect yourself and you owe it to yourself to be with someone who respects you.

Ever want a chat just u2U me, feel for you mate.

Originally posted by MCoG1980

They turn it around to make YOU feel bad,

Interesting you say that, he's developed a selective memory as to what happens when we fight.

The next day the blame is usually mine, or sometimes he's apologetic.

The lies he tells have become so obvious and he can't even remember what he tells me from one day to the next.

I'd hate to think it's over, but that may just be the case.:shk:

reply to post by anxietydisorder



That is just the start, he will laern how you react to him so he can counter attack next time. He will always flip the blame beacuse he wants you to feel guilty, and to feel like you NEED him. I know its hard, and i know i should really tell anyone what to do, but is a dangerous situation, and the longer you allow his behaviour to go on, the more extreme it will get. He's likely to test you until he knows he can break you.
Usually there is something underl lying that provokes this to come out of them, usually, insecurity, jealousy and control. I ended up just about being controlled, i wasn't allowed to talk or go out with my friends, and when ever someone showed an interest in me, even though i brushed them off, he would get angry at me, not them. It is pathetic really, it only something you can see when you look at it from the outside in, otherwise its like what i'm saying now will just float in and out of your head, like a passing thought. It was pointed out to me in a big way, someone had the balls to tell me i was being treat like a c**t and then each time it happened, i was more aware and got angry and him not respecting me. I always find words hurt more than violence, that was how i was able to get out of mine, and i'll be honest it wasn't easy but very neccessary. If you are unhappy and ringing helplines it does seem like he is no good for you. Remember, forever is a long time, and you can wait forever for someone to become the person you hope, but sadly never does. No one should have to put up with a violent partner, remember YOUR WORTH MORE!

Please though, if you do consider leaving, let someone know if possible, or even better, do it in a public place.

peace to ya mate
;o)




[edit on 9-2-2009 by MCoG1980]

Anx, buddy..I truly know not what to say except if you need an ear you know how to find me.

Good for you for pointing that out...totally agree

That's society for ya...bias...prejudice

-Kyo

Sadly there really isn't much help out there for men.

Once a couple years ago I started living with this woman, she turned out to be completely psychotic, one night she attacked me. She held my arms tightly and wouldnt let go. I calmly said perhaps we should separate for the evening and the next day we could more calmly and rationally discuss any issues.

She refused to let go, and was getting more violent. Each time I tried to get her off of me and leave the room she would just follow me and attack me again.

Once she ripped my shirt off of my body as I was trying to get away from her I had enough and left the house, I went across the street to the sheriff's station and flagged down an officer. I explained the situation to them, at first they were confused, and they told me if they went over there we would both probably go to jail.

I told them I didn't care and to proceed. They went over across the street to my place, went inside, after talking to her inside for about 5 minutes they came out with her in handcuffs, gave me a card with the case number on it and told me to have a good night and to get some sleep.

They called me the next day to offer domestic violence victims help, I declined because the issue was resolved with her arrest. She was convicted of domestic violence and a permanent restraining order was issued.

anxietydisorder, no one has to live with a violent partner. Don't take it, don't attack back, get them out of there, and don't renew the relationship. Violent people only become worse never better and it's just not worth it to live that way.

reply to post by anxietydisorder


Unfortunately, the vast majority of spousal abuse is caused by men. I do know that there is a hotline for LGBT abuse, and you should find it in the yellow pages for your local chapter. They should be able to help you with spousal abuse. Also, call the police and go to the emergency room to get pictures taken. Abuse only gets worse, and if there are never any charges, the authorities can do little to help.

Good luck on finding help needed. You have some very difficult choices to make, and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

If you are being abused, you need to leave the house immediately. I cannot stress that strong enough.

I want to thank everyone for their support and advice, I've never been in a situation like this before.

Saturday night during the fight he took away the food I was preparing and said I wasn't permitted to eat anything. When he went to throw it out the back door I locked him out and bolted the doors. Fortunately I have a very secure place that would take extreme force to enter and have cameras to see what's happening outside. You can't even get at a window from the outside without a long ladder.

I called a friend to stay with me that night, and I think my husband slept at a neighbour's place. About noon on Sunday I turned on the exterior front camera and he was sleeping outside the door on the floor.

Yes, I let him back in, but with the condition he stays in the back room and not come past the kitchen.
It's been very quiet today.

He knows it's over now and he needs to find another place to live, and my caller ID shows he spoke with his brother this morning so he may go there.


I'm a very gentle person by nature, but can take care of myself in a fight, not that I should have to. I'm more used to the civility of a court room and negotiating conflicts before they become physical.

One thing for sure though, I will not be a victim of abuse........
And I refuse to live in fear of when the next shoe will drop.

You folks here at ATS have helped me more than you'll ever know.
Thank-you for that opportunity to vent.



[edit on 9/2/2009 by anxietydisorder]

reply to post by anxietydisorder


I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through.

As someone else said, I suspect that at least some of the domestic violence hotlines would be happy to help if you explain the situation, even if they advertise themselves as being "for women".

If your partner's drinking is a major factor I would also suggest that you contact Alanon. People there will have been through the same struggles and dramas, and can really help you figure out when and how to compromise, and when it's just not an option.

I don't have any personal experience with Alanon (since I'm the drunk myself) but in general twelve step programs are very open to difference. I don't think it would phase anyone to help a man in an abusive relationship with another man – the important bit is that his drinking is causing you problems.

Good luck and I hope things look up soon.

Without getting into a rant about m en's rights, if you are being abused by a man OR woman, it is YOUR responsibility to leave the situation.

Your partner is NOT going to change just because you want them to. You have to make a choice here:

Leave him, suffer for a while, but be free of the abuse,

Or stay with him, and take the abuse.

The "love" that another person shows you is never worth it if it comes at the cost of emotional blackmail or physical abuse. Someone who truly loves you will realize that.

Twenty years or not it is your safety that is at stake and sounds like it is time for your paths to separate. Often the police are the only help you are able to get because nothing is set up for even heterosexual men.

There was an incident when I was much younger and lived with someone for a year. The last straw for me was when he tried to trap me in the house by turning all the locks around backwards and hit me with a bottle. It was embarrassing but, I called my mom and luckily she was there with a moving van the next morning and I never spoke to that person again.

People usually don't change that much, take care of yourself.



[edit on 9/2/2009 by toochaos4u]

Is your husband an alcoholic? With age, alcohol has an ever-changing effect on how people react.

My uncle used to have a few beers a night. On weekends, yeah he got bad, but he seemed like every other 30 something guy in a hick town. He had a happy family, good kids, and was living simply. Now that he's 45, he is an abusive drunk. He doesn't remember anything after the first few drinks. He accuses his family of horrific, disgusting things (I won't even get into that) and is physically abusive.

If you think there is any chance of this being the possibility in your situation, you need to get rid of the alcohol first. It sounds like you've made up your mind, and I hope you stick with it. I know love though, and it sometimes does conquer even our most strict logic, so if this becomes an issue again, you must either get rid of him again or get rid of his vices.

You're a strong person to have shared all that with us. Be safe and God bless.

EDIT: Don't remember hitting the button twice..... hmmm

[edit on 2/9/09 by SantaClaus]

reply to post by anxietydisorder


Hi ad, it sounds like changes are afoot in your life.
That can't be easy after so much time together.

If I remember correctly you are in Canada so I don't know if this is useful to you, and hopefully you will never need it again. I found this US link for you or anyone else dealing with a similar situation: gmdvp.org

Like I said, hopefully it's a moot point.

Good luck with the fresh start.

SD

reply to post by schrodingers dog


I want to thank you for that link, it has so much helpful information.

He came out of the back tonight when he heard me talking to a friend. And now he's all apologetic and sorry for what happened.

The list in your link was eye opening.......

Are you in a relationship with someone who:

• Keeps you from spending time with friends or family members?
• Makes you account for your time when apart from him/her?
• Is excessively jealous and possessive?
• Makes unreasonable demands for your attention?
• Blames you for all the arguments or problems in the relationship?
• Wants to make all the decisions?
• Invades your privacy – opening your mail, reading your e-mail or going through your personal belongings?
• Gets angry for no apparent reason?
• Seems like two different people – one is charming or loving, the other is mean and hurtful?
• Lies in order to confuse you?
• Criticizes, ridicules, humiliates or belittles you?
• Controls your finances or feels entitled to your financial support?
• Damages your property?
• Harasses you at work or school?
• Threatens to out you at work, to your family or to others?
• Criticizes your body and appearance?
• Prevents you from practicing safe sex?
• Forces or coerces you to have sex or hurts you during sex?
• Becomes angry if you don’t go along with his/her sexual demands?
• Blames his/her behavior on alcohol, drugs or his/her own history of abuse?
• Pressures you to use alcohol or other drugs?
• Threatens you with physical harm or makes you feel afraid?
• Pushes, shoves, grabs, punches, hits or strikes you with hands or fists?
• Threatens or assaults you with weapons, such as household objects or knives?
• Manipulates you with the constant threat of mood changes and impending rage? Has you “walking on eggs” or living with constant stress, anxiety or fear?

I don't even think I want to point out the parts of that list pertaining to us, but there are many to certain degrees.

I'm standing firm on the fact that he needs to stay somewhere else until he gets some help.
The next few days will be hard, but he's packing some stuff up now.

Every member that replied to this thread just got a star for their help and input.

I see a rough road ahead, but I will keep you posted.

Originally posted by anxietydisorder
Every member that replied to this thread just got a star for their help and input.

I see a rough road ahead, but I will keep you posted.

No problem man. I have had to do the exact same thing. It sucks but it will be worth it in the end, U2U me if you need support.