Am I evil ?

Here it is, I am a 20 something year old white female, I have a job in a professional field, married, on the appearance, I seem normal. That takes some effort to maintain. Here's my issue:

Ever-since I can remember, I have litterally THRIVED on chaos. I actually need it to feel whole, or just to FEEL in general. To elaborate, I'll use something recent, The recent stock crash, I sat, I watched, litterally laughing as it plumetted. Even as they were giving examples of the wide spread pain it would inflict, I wanted it to crash lower and lower.


I revel in the thought that, one wonderful day, we will wake up, and revolt against this machine we have breathed life into. Even if that brings the 'inevitable end' we always hear so much about. It would litterally bring a smile to my face to sit on top of the devastation and ride the flaming carcas all the way to the ground as it crumbled underneath.

I have even played with the thought, that I could be the anti-christ,though it cannot be so, as I lack the political platform,but, imagine thinking that about yourself for just a moment.

So, my question, does this make me evil? . . . . Maybe I am just a jilted tax payer, thoughts?

Chaos and evil are far from being the same thing. It sounds to me like you just are a normal person. Everyone secretly gets off on the chaotic, morbid bits of life. And you are certainly not the anti-christ. That was like, Caesar, or something.

lol I don't think your evil and I definatly don't think your the Antichrist. Although I wasn't too happy to see the stock market plunge to each his/her own.

I think it's alright to think this way. It's free thought, isn't it (if there is such a term)? Also, I think the word "saddist" comes to mind.

I too often relish the day when something huge will happen. Perhaps in chaotic times, you will find purpose? Something to awaken your mind and body.. to make a stand or to finally attain power? Just my two cents.

That's not evil, that's just human nature....wait, that probably didn't come off right.

It sounds similar to George Carlin, you should see some of his comedy, he has a lot of jokes about enjoying natural disasters and that kind of thing. But in order to answer the question, what is evil? Hard to say, there's more to being a good person than being a "good person".

"I think it's certainly apparent by now that one of the things I enjoy in life is excess... I like things that are excessive. I like excessive behavior, excessive language, excessive violence... it's fun. It's interesting. It's exciting. I like it when nature is excessive. That's why I like natural disasters. All these natural disasters that've been going on, I f'ing love 'em. I can't get enough of them. Ah, when nature's going crazy, throwing things around, scaring people and destroying property, I'm a happy f'ing guy. I'm a happy f'ing guy. I look at it this way... For centuries now, man has done everything he can to destroy, defile, and interfere with nature: clear-cutting forests, strip-mining mountains, poisoning the atmosphere, over-fishing the oceans, polluting the rivers and lakes, destroying wetlands and aquifers... so when nature strikes back, and smacks me in the head and kicks me in the nuts, I enjoy that. I have absolutely no sympathy for human beings whatsoever. None. And no matter what kind of problem humans are facing, whether it's natural or man-made, I always hope it gets worse. Don't you? Don't you? Don't you have a part of you, a part of you that secretly hopes everything gets worse? When you see a big fire on TV... don't you hope it spreads? Don't you hope it gets completely out of control and burns down six counties? You don't root for the firemen do you? I mean I don't want them to get hurt or nothing, but I don't want them to put out my fire. That's my fire - that's nature showing off and having fun. I like fires. You know something else I like? Those spring floods in the Midwest! Aren't they great? Like clockwork, spring floods in the Midwest. Now I'm starting to notice... I'm starting to catch on, that every year... it's the same story. Another flood, in the same place, with the same people, on the same river- SAME f'ing PEOPLE! And these people do not move, they will not #ing move! They repaint, put down new carpeting and wallpaper and they move right back into the same #ing house on the flood plain, next to the river, and then they wonder why grandma's floating downstream with the parakeet on her head! Fourth time, again, fourth #ing time. There's no learning curve with these people. It's very hard to feel sorry for them. Every year - same people, same rowboats! Out there paddling around... rescuing a chicken. What the # kind of a life is that? "Well our kids love it here...? Oh really, what do they got, gills? And while they're showing all that action on the screen, the announcer's saying to me "It's been raining steadily for three months now, the ground can't any more water... The river is cresting higher than it has it two centuries, the levees have washed away...? And I just hope it keeps raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining, and it rains steadily for five years... and then after that, for ten years it's cloudy. With occasional showers. And the river never returns to its natural banks! It becomes a completely new river, and the borders of three states have to be changed, and all the maps and atlases have to be redrawn and reprinted... and no one's couch ever completely dries out. For years and years, every time they sit down there's always that little "Squish...? "Dan, Linda, come on in you guys, have a seat" - "Squish!" "Squish!" I like that. I'm an interesting guy. "

Good 'ol George Carlin.

[edit on 6-10-2008 by ghaleon12]

The Greatest "Evil" people actually think they are the "good guys". They pride themselves on this false and self absorbed (false) selfrightousness.

Most Christians are eviler then you.

Such "Anti-Christ"s would NEVER assume to think of themselves as such. They are simply believing in a self induced religion that disregards the "Christ" platform, or assumes to be such.

Though I don't suport your assumption of understanding that society is a "machine we built", as I understand the world to be exactly as it should be at this time because we're within a story where the heros are not those that assume themselves to be white or light or right, however yours is a common and limited visioned misperception.

The crashing societial structure, "the tower", is a wonder to behold. Understanding, having your head out of your rearend, enough to know there is something better and that there is something wrong alows for one to enjoy those that falsely assumed to be "king of the hill" in their actions fools ridding their white horses to their own demise.

[edit on 6-10-2008 by Incarnated]

reply to post by Haiku

reply to post by Haiku

Maybe I am just a jilted tax payer, thoughts?

Maybe you're just a bored little grommit...

You also seem to want to sit back and wait for the big event to happen without contributing anything...poser.

No, you are not evil nor the anti-christ (you give yourself too much credit), just confused and dare I say...lonely?

Deny yourself...

reply to post by maria_stardust


Great minds think alike...

Please, most people thrive on this kinda stuff on some level, concious or unconcious. Its just like gosip and drama, people seem to like those things. Sort of like how people enjoy action movies, but in real life its even better! It's human nature, all are working on the same software.



[edit on 6-10-2008 by ghaleon12]

reply to post by Haiku


I don't think you are evil, some people react differently to stress. You said you have a job now, but things can get worse, you may lose it, or someone you know may lose their job.

There are some rough times ahead. I don't think you are evil at all, you're just a little young, an perhaps are not fully taking stock of what it would be like to live in a Great Depression.

I pray, that we all never have to go through what these people did...Remember the Great Depression lasted 16 YEARS.



Not a happy video...

Very SAD...

[edit on 6-10-2008 by Gateway]

reply to post by Haiku


You are not evil. It is rising in the collective...
You may be a dustmaker...
papakrokschaosworks.blogspot.com...

You are right, you are evil. You probably want to get rid of government because it's so non-chaotic. The economy-you laugh when it begins to fail because it was too structured and controlling to begin with. Churches definitely need some evil influence on them so that the people will stop being so good all the time. Wait a second...no government, no economy, no churches-what would all the hypocrites, war mongerers, thieves, hoarders, liars, and scum of the earth do then? On a second thought let's issue in the new structured, non-chaotic new world order and be little angels.

reply to post by chapter29


Your right, I am a poser, I made a comparrison wow, I feel the burn of shame, 'Thank you sir, may I have another'? ~Sheesh~

I Just wanted to know that others think this way too. . .

By the Way...Don't forget to put some angry faces in your next reply, That way, when you anonymously verbally kick the $h!t out of me, or your next victim, you are sure to get your point across....

I do wonder though, Was my whimsical thought cause for such contempt?
I would think your reply which, drips with your over-inflated sense of self worth, and nasty mud slinging, should have been reserved for a more deserving post. . . again, maybe I'm just bitter.

i don't believe you to be evil, though i really don't have any other information given to me other than your original post so i'm really running off of speculation and assumption.

the fact that you questioned where you stand on the side of the line between good and evil would suggest that you probably have a foot on either side. you are aware that those thoughts are negative yet you still retain your "normal" life, which suggests you wish to have some sort of order after all.

i think really it may come down to you may have just found yourself in a rut and experiencing a particular lack of excitement at this point in your life and the thrill you get from the thoughts of random turmoil are sort of your fix, but no, i don't think you are evil.

i do think maybe you should take up a moderately aggressive hobby though. like maybe some sort of martial art or vigorous exercise. or you could go extreme and learn the art of full contact mime. (beret and stripey shirt not included)

reply to post by Haiku

I do wonder though, Was my whimsical thought cause for such contempt?

Well, I guess I could sugar-coat this, but I think not...


First, you posted this in the Gray Area...why, for a larger audience..?


In addition, you chose to express yourself in a way that wreaked of 'needy'...


Finally:

The recent stock crash, I sat, I watched, litterally laughing as it plumetted.

Need I say more...?

I think you're fragile. Smart. Unchallenged. Do what is right long enough for you to see your path. You are feeling helpless because you are not working towards your potential. Be the change. Understand the motivations of your thoughts. Being a parent heightens awareness, so be aware of deeper perspectives. They are not here to confuse you, think of them as new letters to an alphabet you're supposed to learn. Find your own version of perfect, and challenge your integrity to uphold the sanctity of such integrity. You will be fine in due time. Be patient. be tolerant. Be altruistic. You will be fine in due time.

My .02

AAC

reply to post by Gateway


That was a wonderful video, a thread could be made out of the comparisons of today and back then. I worry that the gov. would not allow people with children to live in rundown tents and condemnable houses without electricity. Flour was affordable, cloth could be purchased and water was free. Men could walk the country looking for work to send money home to their parents and family, now they may get locked up or worse. In those days a person could walk up to a farm and work for a day for a place to sleep and a piece of bread, today they would just shoot you for it and take over. The Military was not out in full battle regalia against their own people, today it would be shoot to kill.

OP, I hope you enjoy this forum, soon your question will be evident. No game players here, just real and amazing members.

Originally posted by Haiku
So, my question, does this make me evil? . . . .

in my opinion, not entirely, no.
Everybody has some amount of "evil" within.
are you 100% evil for being excited at chaos?

Look at it from this perspective... in a stagnant normalized life where nothing "excites" .. to the level our vestigal primitive bodies were built to experience....

when that "excitement" over the "thrill" of "action"... comes over you.. don't feel bad.
It's constant freaking tease.. just.. aalllmost there.. and your gut is like JUST GET IT OVER WITH ALREADY!!!

enough with the anticipation.. it's an emotional release that's been building to the point where you get butterflies in your stomach over.

We all feed.... on tragedy...

might i invite you to a musical piece that pretty much sums it up...


Tool's Vicarious-



lyrics -


Eye on the TV
Cause tragedy thrills me,
Whatever flavor
It happens to be
Like:
"Killed by the husband"
"Drowned by the ocean"
"Shot by his own son"
"She used a poison
In his tea
And kissed him goodbye"
That's my kind of story.
It's no fun 'til someone dies

Don't look at me like
I am a monster
Frown out your one face
But with the other
Stare like a junkie
Into the TV
Stare like a zombie
While the mother holds her child,
Watches him die,
Pleas to the sky crying,
"Why, oh why?!"

Cause I need to watch things die
From a distance
Vicariously, I
Live while the whole world dies
You all need it too
Don't lie.

Why can't we just admit it?
Why can't we just admit,
We won't give pause
Until the blood is flowing?
Neither the brave nor bold
Will write us a story.
So,
We won't give pause
Until the blood is flowing

I need to watch things die
From a good safe distance
Vicariously, I
Live while the whole world dies
You all feel the same so
Why can't we
Just admit it

Blood like rain, come down
Drum on grave and ground

Part vampire
Part warrior
Carnivore and voyeur
Stare at the transmitter
Sing to the death rattle


Credulous at best your desire to believe in
Angels in the hearts of men
Pull your heads on out, you hippies
And give a listen
Shouldn't have to say it all again

The universe is hostile, So impersonal
Devour to survive, So it is
So it's always been

We all feed on tragedy
It's like blood to a vampire

Vicariously, I
Live while the whole world dies
Much better you than I.

-


[edit on 7-10-2008 by prevenge]

Hmm, sounds to me that you REALLY haven't thought about a true collapse of the system.

Sounds to me that you hate the monotony in your life and you're just wanting an excuse to get out of your boring life. Yeah, the idea of a GREATER DEPRESSION might sound romantic, but let me ask you how awesome you really think this could be and then you can make a better determination of whether or not you are evil. For instance:

Do you relish the thought of family members of yours slowly dying of starvation?
What do you plan to do for food?
Do you enjoy the thought of thousands of children dying?
Do you enjoy the thought of losing most of your personal luxuries?
What about the sick/elderly who cannot get medical care?
Anarchy, looting, senseless violence, rape, theft, abuse?
Martial Law?
Foreign invasion? What languages are you fluent in?
How good of shape are you in, because you certainly won't be driving anywhere?
If you relish this anarchy, then how are you going to cope with the boredom of "down days"?
Who's going to put fires out if they is an emergency?
What do you have to barter with for things you need? Once that stuff is gone, then what? Got condoms?
What happens if you cut your hand trying to open a can of Spam? Ever seen gangrene?

I think you get my drift. Collapse of the system isn't a cool thing. It creates VERY harsh living conditions like we see in videos of Eastern Europe and Africa. Does that REALLY strike your fancy? Again, I think you just need to re-valuate your life and find something more constructive to break the monotony that you apparently find yourself in. You're looking for escape and this really isn't the answer. No offense.