What's Your Love Language?

Love Languages
This is something that has been very helpful in my own marriage, so I thought I'd pass it along.
Dr. Gary Chapman has discovered that each of us speak a different language when it comes to expressing love to our spouse. With his help, you can say "Ilove you." in a way that your spouse can understand. He calls this type of communicating "Using the five love languages."

Chapman's Five Emotional Love Languages:

• Words of Affirmation

This is when you say how nice your spouse looks, or how great the dinner tasted. These words will also build your mate's self image and confidence.

• Quality Time

Some spouses believe that being together, doing things together and focusing in on one another is the best way to show love. If this is your partner's love language, turn off the TV now and then and give one another some undivided attention.

• Gifts

It is universal in human cultures to give gifts. They don't have to be expensive to send a powerful message of love. Spouses who forget a birthday or anniversary or who never give gifts to someone who truly enjoys gift giving will find themselves with a spouse who feels neglected and unloved.

• Acts of Service

Discovering how you can best do something for your spouse will require time and creativity. These acts of service like vacuuming, hanging a bird feeder, planting a garden, etc., need to be done with joy in order to be perceived as a gift of love.

• Physical Touch

Sometimes just stroking your spouse's back, holding hands, or a peck on the cheek will fulfill this need.


Determining Your Own Love Language

Since you may be speaking what you need, you can discover your own love language by asking yourself these questions:

• How do I express love to others?
• What do I complain about the most?
• What do I request most often?

Speaking in your spouse's love language probably won't be natural for you. Dr. Chapman says, "We're not talking comfort. We're talking love. Love is something we do for someone else. So often couples love one another but they aren't connecting. They are sincere, but sincerity isn't enough."

Emotional Experiences

The number one emotional experience reported by folks is feeling the presence of God in their lives. The emotional high of being in love (which generally lasts around 2 years) is the second highest emotional experience that people reportedly have.

That is why it can be so difficult to try and talk some sense into someone who is in the midst of falling in love. Chapman stated that obsessive love can render people mentally incompetent. "There's not much difference between being in love and being insane."

Fading Tingle and Empty Love Tanks

After the first or second year of marriage, when the initial "tingle" is starting to fade, many couples find that their "love tanks" are empty. They may have been expressing love for their spouse, but in reality they were speaking a different love language. The best way to fill your spouse's love tank is to express love in their love language. Each of us has a primary love language. Usually, couples don't have the same love language.

Tank Check

Dr. Chapman recommends that you have a "Tank Check" 3 nights a week for 3 weeks. Ask one another "How is your love tank tonight?" If, on a scale from zero to ten, it is less than 10, then ask "What can I do to help fill it?" Then do it to the best of your ability.

reply to post by apaulo


Me? I'm a words kinda guy w/ poetry and all.

great post!

My BF (common law) and I are both a very reserved with the word "love". We are in love and we are best friends as well. In the initial stages of our like and lust turning to love we did exchange the common words...Love you...I love you...

Now it's a very comfortable "knowing". We have great respect for each other, we are both very secure in our relationship (jealousy is not an issue at all...in fact I like it when other women flirt with him...he's a great guy and I love that other people notice it)

Occasionally when one of us feels or detects a need to use the "L" word (haha) we do.

We touch a lot, hand across the back, touch on the face or neck, a bit of a tickle.

He's great with gifts...usually flowers or chocolate and he knew my favorites without being told

I also like to gift him...also without having to be told what he would most appreciate. he has expensive tastes though...perfume or cologne.

gestures of love too...like with touching. Or even a simple heart drawn on a piece of paper and left on my desk

We are both very simple in our tastes and expectations (we think it's common sense )

We never go to bed mad, we never use sex as a tool, we praise each other regularly, and we never put down each other's views or experiences.

I think our age factors in as well. He is 46 and I am 39. Both on our second time around (long terms).

I feel very well complimented (not as in giving compliment but as in strengths, weaknesses, etc etc) and he says the same thing.

It's wonderful. Feels right, works well and we both see it lasting becuase we both invest a great deal into it this time around.