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Originally posted by Skadi_the_Evil_Elf
Last election, when it was Bushwhacker Vs Al Bore, i could not bring myself to vote for either of these simians, and thus, as a write in candidate, I wrote in Alice Cooper, as my cat, for president.
So, another election rolls around. While Im looking at kerry as a possible taker of my vote, despite the pains of actually punching a chad for a commiecrat, I am also deciding to start the campaign for a new grassroots candidate. My Cat, Alice Cooper, is what America needs right now in the oval office.
Why Alice Cooper? For starters, hes a strong, dominant, yet easy going little guy, with strong opinions and stands on the issues. His views have not changed (except trying to eat a bowl of clam chowder while its cooking on the stove). He is a natural born US citizen, born in Tracy, California, on March 31, 1998. He is 5 years old, in March he will be six, In cat years that would make him 42, old enough to be prez.
Some of the benefits of having him as your commander in chief: he is neutered, so no worries about scandalous affairs with interns. His tastes are simple: a couple scratching posts and cardboard boxes in the oval office for his leisure. he is littler box trained, so you dont have to worry about him polluting the environment with his waste. he is friendly, dimplomatic, persuasive, and everyone who meets him loves him, so hed be perfect in foreign affairs. he takes no # from anyone, and bribes do not work on him: he demands petting, not cash, but even petting wont sway him to do your bidding.
His stands on the issues:
Guns: Declawing a cat is the most unnatural thing you can do, let the cat keep his claws, if he scratches the furniture, clip them.
Abortion: Better to end the suffering before it starts, then for a mother cat to go through the trauma of having to bear her litter only to eat them soon after.
Education: Back to basics. Cats are simply not learning the necessary skills needed to be productive felines in this world. back to yarn chasing, mousing, grooming 101, dog fighting, diplomatic purring, and tree climbing. Quit trying to screw it all up with far out ideas and unproven technologies.
War and Foreign Affairs: Basically, as long as the neighbor cat aint pissin in my yard, I aint gonna lift a paw, just keep my eye on him so he knows to stay the hell on his side. He even extends his wiskers of the territorial boundaries, i shall claw him into oblivion, but unless he does make that first step, it aint none of my biz. My yard is hard enough to patrol as is, I dont care how bad a mouser he is, thats his problem, he needs to deal with it.
War on terrorism: Havent heard any reports on suicide mice bombers, so, until then, Im taking this one as another hoax.
Drugs: Catnip never hurt anyone. better to have a nation full of happy catnip munchers than violent, bitter drunks breaking chairs over peoples heads.
Environment: Only an idiot #s where he eats. theres the littler box, use it, then contact your nearest human to ensure it is disposed of in a proper manner that it will not come back and contaminate my territory. Anycat who craps in ym yard and doesnt bury it is gonna have hell to pay, and bribes of kitty snacks aint gonna cut it. You crap it, you bury it, plain and simple. Or you crap in the flowerbed to recycle it. be efficent. And make sure the mess is properly cleaned up!
Racism: Who cares? Cats come in just about every shape and size and coat color imaginable! They all maul rodents and destroy couches just as good as another. Whether a fluffy white persian or a mongrel tabby hybrid, every cat deserves a chance, the same chance, no special exceptions.
Womens rights: My momma was single and had 5 of us kittens to raise. She mauled more pigeons and sparrows than any other male cat ive ever seen, and kept her litter fed. So, females can and do perform as good as males, and even do it with kittens to raise!
Privacy: I wont tolerate cameras in my litter box during my quiet time with myself, so I sure as hell will fight any laws to install the disgusting things.
Freedom of speech. Meow all you like. If the other cat dont like your howls and mating calls, then they can plug thier ears or go someplace else.
Freedom of religion. I worship cardboard boxes and paper bags. So, Im not about to deny people to pray to whatever the hell they want.
Social security: those sweet grannies need that money, damnit, how else will they feed and hosue the homeless cats of the world?
Those are just some of Alice Coopers stands on the issues. Feel free to ask about any others you may wish. i shall work on getting presidential portraits made up of him to post, so you can get a look at your possible future chief.
VOTE ALICE COOPER!!!!!!!!!