Tell Me a Joke!

In response to the thread Remember When BTS Was Fun?, I'm making this thread to liven things up a little!
so...

TELL ME A JOKE!

I'll go first:

Takes place at a Vets...

A dog goes up to the vet and the vet asks him, "What are you in for?"

The dog answers, "Well, every time i see the mail man, I can;t stop myself, I have to get up and chase him away."

"So your owners putting you down for that?" replies the vet.

"Yes." says the dog...

so the vet puts the dog down and the next dog comes in.

"What are you in for?" asks the vet.

"Well," says the dog, "I can't help myself, but every time I see car drive down the street I have to chase after it."

"And your owners putting you down for that?" questions the vet.

"Yes." the dog responds...

so the vet puts the dog down and the next one comes in.
this continues for some time, and finally the last dog comes in.

The vet asks once again, "What are you in for?"

"Well," the dog replies, "I cant help myself, but my owner is really hot and every time I see her come out of the shower, well, my natural instincts come into play ... if you know what I mean..."

"So your being being put down then." responds the vet.

"No!" says the dog, "I'm having my nails clipped!"



ok, so now its your turn!
Lets hear some funny jokes!

[edit on 3-4-2008 by Odessy]

Q. Do you know what a female's four favorite animala are?
A. A Mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom,
and a Jackass to pay for everything!

A Southern redneck found himself up in the North East during Spring Break.
He walks into a bar, sits next next to a classy looking, well dressed female.
In a hasty attempt to start up a conversation, he asks the female,
"Howdy Ma'am, whut skool yew go to?
Annoyed, the female turns to him and says "Yale!"
The redneck, then stands, clears his throat and repeats his question,
"WHUT SKOOL YEW GO TO?"

lol. I havent heard either of those b4

ok heres another one, and please correct me if I tell it wrong cause I havent heard it in some time:

One day, God asks a man for anything he wants.

The man says, "well, I want a bridge from here (NYC) to Hawaii, so when I get in an arguement with my wife I can just hop on my motorcycle and ride."

God responds, "I can't do that my son. It would take too much of the worlds resources to make a bridge that large. Ask me for anything else."

So the man tells God, "OK then, I want to understand women."

God replies, "Do you want two lanes or four?"

hmmm only 3 people on BTS with a sense of humor then?

BTS is boring!

A priest, rabbi, monk, nun, and a muslim walked into a bar-

The bartender said, "What is this... some kind of joke?

What's black, white and red and cannot turn around in an elevator?


...A nun with a spear through her chest.


These two idiot red-necks are hunting together in the woods when they spot a naked woman sunbathing in a meadow...One red-neck lowers his gun starts peeling his clothes off and asks her if she's game. She nodded...So his buddy shot her!

[edit on 4-4-2008 by dk3000]

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

Comedy Central Joke of the Day

Here you go:

A burglar breaks into this fancy house one night. Prowling around, he came to the entertainment center, and quickly unplugged the DVD player.

As he was putting it into his bag, he suddenly hears a voice in the darkness behind him say' "Jesus, is watching you!" The man freaks, shut off his flashlight and stays put.

After about about a minute or two pass he stats thinking "D#@n, I must be losing it! I need a vacation after this next score!" So, he turns his light back on and proceeds to an expensive stereo stytem the he planned to steal next.

Just as he gets to it, he hears the voice again say, "Jesus, is watching you!" FReaked, he shines his light around the room until he spots the parrot pearched in the corner.

"Was that you?" He asked the bird. "Yep," addmitted the bird, "I was just trying to warn you." "

Warn me? Well who are you?" He asked the bird.

"Moses." Came the parrot's reply.

Laughing, the burglar said "Moses? What the h##l kind fo people would name a parrot Moses?"

Without blinking, the bird replied, "Probaly the same kind of people that would name a 120 poud Rottweiler 'Jesus'"
_____________________________________________________________
And one more(I'm pretty sure this joke is ok to post here, but if the mods find it offensive or a violation of T&C in any way, feel free to delete as needed)
_____________________________________________________________

This poor redneck with eight kids decides that he has too many, and couldn't afford anymore. So he jumps into hi truck and heads to the doctor's office.
"What can I help you?" Asked said the doc.

To which the redneck replies, "I've got eight kids, and me 'an the wife can't afford anymore. I'd like to know how much it costs to have a vasectomy done."

"About five to six hundred dollars." Came the doctor's reply.

Indignant, the redneck shouts, "Five or six hundred dollars? H*#l doc, I ain't even jot fifty bucks."

"Well, there is a cheaper alternative, if your interested." The doctor said.

"Well, what is it?" The now calm redneck responded.

"Ok, first, take an empty beercan and a cherry bomb. Light the cherry bomb, drop it in the can, hold it up to your ear and count to ten."

Confused the redneck said, "How will that work?"

"Trust me," the doctor assured him, "it'll work"

So, when the redneck got home, he got a cherry bomb, a lighter and an enty beer can. Following the doctor's orders, he light the fuse, dropped it in the beer can, held it up to his ear and started counting on his left hand, "one, two, three, four, five." At which point he stopped, placed the beer can between his legs and started counting on his other hand, "six, seven............................"

Why do hippopotamuses have sex underwater?

Well, have you ever tried keeping a three foot clitoris wet?

It's not much but I still crack up when I see this one ...

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."


I will try hunt up some more for ya

ahhh you might like this one too -


Three men are captured my cannibals. 1 German, 1 French, and 1 Amercian. The chief said, "Due to our holiday, I shall grant each of you 1 wish, then you get whipped 30 times on the back, then you can go."

The German says, "I want a pillow strapped to my back." The chief agrees, straps a pillow on the German's back and gives him 30 lashes. Around the 10th lash, the pillow gave out and the German walked off crying.

The French say, "I want 2 pillows strapped to my back." The chief agrees, straps 2 pillows on the French's back and gives him 30 lashes. Around the 20th, last, the pillow gave out and the French walked off limping.

The chief says to the Amercian, "Since you are from a great country, I shall give you 2 wishes."
The Amercian says, "Thank you. For my first wish, I want not 30 lashes, but 100 lashes."
The chief says, "Not only do you come from a great country, you are noble too, what is your last wish?"

The Amercian replys, "Strap the frenchman to my back."

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday...
Sorry about my english. I tryed!

Three men had a very late night drinking Molsen Canadians. They left in the early morning hours and went home separately. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker.

The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

"You think that was drunk?" said the second guy. "I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, got in a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!" There was silence for a moment and then the first guy exclaimed, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my dog."


:w:

ok I got a great joke.

"G.W. Bush is the greatest president in American history".:w:

Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they aarrr! ( geddit? )

Man walks into a cafe and says "give me a crocodile sandwich and make it snappy!"

Hear about the two aerials who got married?
The service wasn't up to much but the reception was great

Why does the elephant have big ears?
Cos Noddy won't pay the ransome

Young couple on their honeymoon and the guy says shyly to his wife " now we're married, can't we try something new - like the 'wheelbarrow' maybe?"
The bride asks what that is and he explains awkwardly " you know - you get on all fours and I'll lift your legs from behind , like a wheelbarrow"
"Oh if you must" she sighs " but I'm warning you now, we've not to go past my mother's house!"

For guys!

the memory is the 2nd thing to go...

I can't remember the first? :bnghd:

What's the third to go?

Forgets to zip up!

What's the fourth?

Forgets to zip down!

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.
He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"
But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."
The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

Read it fast please!

Olny srmat poelpe can.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn´t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.! Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

A young ventriloquist is touring the Southwest and stops to entertain in a back woods Texas bar. He's going through his usual stupid redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says threateningly, "I've heard just about enough of your smart mouth hillbilly jokes - we ain't all stupid here in Texas!"

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy interrupts him and says, "You stay out of this mister-- I'm talking to the little smart ass fella on your knee!"



Edit to add: just for the record... I love Texas

What's BIGGER than God?

WORSE the the devil?

Dead men EAT...?

And if you eat, you'll DIE too?

Begins with a N...

And has 7 letters...

===

I'll wait a few posts to give the answer, unless someone answers it...

OT