Pushing My Sanity (to its limit) PMS?

This is my first post in BTS.

Now, I've been maried for almost 12 years.
I've got 10 yr old and 3 yr old daughters.

Me and my wife get along pretty darn good, BUT....

About once a month there is an episode that goes something like this:

I call my wife:
Me: "Hey honey. You know today is Monday, and I know you planned on doing the grocery shopping today, but it might be easier if you skipped that and just take the girls to ballet and let me do the shopping. This way we can both get home around the same time..."

Wife: "whatever...."

Me: "Oh,.......... it's you...."

Wife: "What is that supposed to mean."

Me: "Nothing, I'll see you at home, love you. Bye."

Later at home I'm dragging in the groceries:
Me: "Honey, I've got some more bags out there, can you put this in the refridgerator?"

Wife: "You wanted to do the grocery shopping, I guess you should put it away like I normally do when I do the shopping."

Me "O-------Kay............"

You get the idea...

Now, it only usually lasts about one evening, sometimes bleads over into two, and I've learned to kind of accept it. But every so often I'm like (to myself) you know what? This is BS...

Why does she get a built in excuse to be a *bleep* to me once a month.

When I screw up (which I do on occasion) I don't have the luxury of saying "Sorry about yesterday honey, I guess I wasn't really feeling myself. You know, it's a hormonal thing....."

No. Everytime I act like an A** I have to face up to it and say: "Sorry, honey I was being an A**"

Well, that is all I wanted to say. I guess some of you married guys (or guys with live-in girlfriends) can identify with this. How do you handle it?

Ladies, What's the best way to avoid confrontation during these touchy times?



[edit on 1-4-2008 by defuntion]

Oh yeah man... I hear that loud/clear!

After things started back up, after the birth of out little one (now nearly 4) It all went a little pete tong! Before that 4 years of nothing!

I sometimes crash at a friends or she stays at hers! Seriously for a few days I can do no right, but it's only me that gets it in the neck!

Hoping that having another sprog will balance the whorebags, I mean moans!

MonKey

reply to post by ChiKeyMonKey


LOL...Seriously.

Well, In my experience having the second rug-rat did not help, but you do get 9-10 months of no PMS.

Of course, the pregnancy provides hormonal issues of its own...

Hmm, I like the 'abandon ship' approach though. I usually just crack open a beer and "Work" in the garage...

Star and flagged my good man. Yes I deal with a good amount of this. Your lucky that you only have to put with it once a month, I have to put up with this kind of thing once a week sometimes more than that.

I think that it is all based on hormonal levels, or at least that is what I am going to blame it on.

defuntion,

Forgot how to lead did you?? You know ..leading like in a dance..You lead she follows??

The other facet you seem to not understand is that many women perceive the arena of shopping ..especially for groceries as soverign territory. You understand this dont you. I said shopping..not necessarily paying for these items but shopping for them. This is "Holy Ground Highlander!!"You understand this correct??

By telling or implying that you do the shopping for groceries you are questioning what she considers "Soverign Holy Ground." You also question her authority/capability/responsibility here. Yet another facet of this is that she may want to purchase items exclusively with the children in mind and may not want you interfering with this purchase.

Women often enjoy the shopping experience...whereas most men of whom I know do not.

The woman I see does not at all enjoy shopping with me or should I say..having me along when shopping... as I want to get the goods and get out. I do not enjoy the "shopping experience." To her it can be the next thing to heaven. It is like a private time for her. Accompanying men should be seen here and not heard. You are like a handbag...being toted around...tolerated. Your purpose is to support her.
Dont believe me...!!?? Spring is coming around if not actually here in many states. Watch the men following their women around like little puppy dogs at Home Depot or Lowes purchasing garden supplies. They are there to carry the cart and take directions...including at the register.

All you have to do to understand this phenomonon is to look at the merchandize and how it is displayed...in most department stores. It is about 7 to 1 merchandize directed and displayed to women verses men. Most men never bother with this but once you shove out the sports/cheerleaders mentality and really open your eyes...as I told you...it is quite obvious. Stores are set up primarily for women or women and children ..not men.

Remember also....for some time now many grocery stores are also a huge section attached to a deparement store...or is it the other way round?? We are talking soverign territory here..."Holy Ground Highlander!!"

Remember also,defunction, many women in this country, in shopping, have access to two incomes ..not one...but two. Thiers if they work and also their mans moneys by which to shop. This is a huge block of power..by default. Dont ever try to tell me this is a patriarichal society. Only a man can be this naturally stupid. Women are much smarter than this by far. This is also why it can be very insulting when you question thier competancy to shop. If it were you, would you be wont to give up the allure of two incomes by which to shop?? The options this brings in order to let your man shop instead?? REmember what I implied in many women about shopping being the next thing to heaven...the allure ..the draw can be very powerful...and I mean very powerful. As powerful as being on a drug. You do know what happens when you try to take a person off a drug....yes?? You get precisely the reaction you got!! This is a threat dude..You threatened thier drug. Access to their drug. Merchandizers know this and are not beyond taking advantage of a mans ignorance and a womans acuity/acumen in this arena.

You may think you are helping out...but you may in fact be stepping on "Soverign Holy Ground" territory. Got it yet ..defuntion??

However you decide to handle this dont forget to lead. Women tend to respect a man who can lead. I dont mean as a dictator but a man who can also understand nuance..subtilty...as women tend to be more aware in this arena of subtilty than are most men. Nonetheless...lead.

But there seems to be a very different picture here than what you post from your point of view..one in which I dont believe you are even aware. It is obviously psychological. I am talking religion here...soverign religious territory. Devoutly believed in...marked out as territory. Any percieved threat to this territory so marked out ..brings on the reaction you witnessed. It brings out this type of insecurity reaction. THe reaction you saw is a type of insecurity masked as a type of aggression...stubborness.

No matter what you decide about this ..please try to think further than the sports/cheerleader mentality of so many men out here and remember to properly lead.


Thanks,
Orangetom


[edit on 1-4-2008 by orangetom1999]

reply to post by defuntion


We live in a 700sq ft flat, no garage! Otherwise I'd have some kick ass woodworking projects on the go.

MonKey

reply to post by housegroove23


Once a week? Ouch. Im sorry house. Hang in there bud. It's gotta be the hormones... Lot's of trips the garage?
:w:

reply to post by orangetom1999


Orange, it sounds like you've had some experience with this. LOL
I like your insight about shopping. I completely understand, but that was just my latest example. Trust me, I'm in no hurry to hit the market trying to find the right freaking tomato.
Unfortunately, at the right time of the month I can trigger this reaction by waking up and breathing her air.
As far as leading goes, well, women don't want to feel that they are being led in my experience (At least, not on the surface...). I know there are different women, with different personality types, etc... but Most of them like you to support their individuality..
I try to lead by example...
She is usually always on board with me. It's just those few times a month..

reply to post by ChiKeyMonKey


No garage. That could be a problem. I'd proabably be at my buddies house then, or the pub...

reply to post by orangetom1999


orangetom1999, what you said about the whole shopping thing really makes sence. Thank you for helping me understand more because believe it or not when my wife goes grocery shopping she is the in and out type, but she still does not want me around during this time and I never could figure out why.

I think that what you said about that just hit the head on the nail, even though I kinda picked up on that before, but it confused me even more because when we go to the mall she would like shopping with me then. In fact she would even let me help her pick out clothes, her clothes that is.

reply to post by defuntion


LOL, yeah I agree with you there.

Hmm.
No ladies want to comment.

Probably busy laughing their A**s off.

That's it. I'm taking this conspiracy to ATS.
Just kidding.

Originally posted by defuntion
Hmm.
No ladies want to comment.

Hello.

Yes, my husband often jokes about getting a hotel room while it's that time for me. Sorry we get to use it as an excuse but if you only knew what it felt like! LOL! The best thing to do is be patient even when you want to pull your hair out. PMSing really does turn the sweetest of us into a shrew. When it's over, we're our old selves again. Just be grateful you have a wife that actually lets you know there is a personality difference and not like that 24/7. Seriously. There are some women out whose personality is not transitional at all.

Uh Oh.... You know, I understand what your talking about... My ex-live in boyfriend was the same way. He had mood-swings like you wouldn't believe... strange...becuase I'm the girl!!

Maybe your wife sees shopping as a territorial thing as was mentioned once before? Maybe she doesn't even realize that she's doing it, like it could be subconsious for her. No doubt she can rationalize that if its easier for you to just grab the groceries, and for her to take the kids to ballet, then maybe it would be a good idea to swap roles.

But maybe part of her finds some sort of solitude in Shopping that she's not even aware of? Women love to spend money (myself included), so maybe she's not looking at it from a rational point of view, but moreso from a "personal attack on my money spending skills" point of view?

Talking to her about it is the best option. Communication is key. But Timing is also everything too... While she's in one of these "moods" is not the best time to be talking about it. Give her a few days till you're back in the good books. Then talk to her about it. She'll be in a better frame of mind to discuss what's bothering her, and she'll be rational enough to see your side of the discussion as well. (As opposed to being hormonal...when we are hormonal, we are emotional, irrational, irritated, and pretty much EVERYTHING is personal. Its not about what makes sense. The world revolves around us so it MUST be a personal attack).

Thats my 2 cents...based on the way my mother acts (towards my dad sometimes) and being a woman myself.

Good Luck Bud!

Originally posted by AshleyD
There are some women out whose personality is not transitional at all.

Yea, I guess it could be alot worse.
I'm usually not much of a complainer. In fact, this is the first time I brought up the issue, but when that time of the month arrives it always seems to catch me off gaurd. I think I'm gonna start using my calender.
Thanks for your comments.

Originally posted by CA_Orot
You know, I understand what your talking about

Well I wasn't expecting any women to identify with me, but just as there are women with different personality types there are men of different types as well. Sorry to hear things didn't work out there.
Perhaps you forgot to go to the garage and drink a beer?
As far as the shopping goes I'm gonna steer clear of that time-bomb.
Now if I could only figure out all the other things that will set her off during the PMS...

reply to post by defuntion


It works like this,

RUN THE AWAY! RUN FAR FAR AWAY!

Say "oh it's, you " and stay at a hotel, campground, YMCA, Homeless shelter, cardboard box, SUPERMAX PRISON, Ninth level of Hell, wherever it is safer and quieter than to be at home.

Then when you come home after the requisite night or two she will be mad but she will be in the frame of mind that you can go "Honey when you get like that it makes me fear for my manhood" which she will laugh at, and then you can discuss why it is necessary for you to disappear once a month when aunt flo is in town.

Just some advice

Wukky

Originally posted by whatukno
Ninth level of Hell, wherever it is safer and quieter than to be at home.

ROFLMAO.

Seriously. That's hilarious.

OK, I guess I've been on the right track all along. Just accept it and retreat when necessary...

defunction,

I did not put alot of emphasis in my last post about the PMS condition. I did this for a reason..in order to put more emphasis on the psychological condition of shopping and soverign territory.

As to the PMS thing. I dont consider this a default setting for allowing someone to play through at my expense. I will consider within strict limits, it but if it does not make good nonsense I will tell her so.

I am not here on this earth..to take second place while giving up first place goods and earnings/labor. PMS is not a default setting to me in order to allow others to play through unaccountable..or unresponsibly.

I say this in this manner because I know that most women do not want the competition for emotions from men. They do not as a whole appreciate a male "Drama Queen" taking up huge blocks of their time and moneys....you know..that soverign territory..holy ground thing again.
Many women consider emotions and the aspects deriving from emotions to be thier venue..not a male venue. Many women also consider their access to emotions as being correct...in most things. And as a result of this also correct in beliefs and entitlements deriving from emotions. You are there to support...ie..often this means be expendable and disposable if necessary.

This is why I dont buy into this PMS thing.

I am a nuclear fueler by trade...I put uranium fuel rods in reactors. My moneys come very dearly at certain times...and at great risks.

I hear women with the standard mantra of .."Wanna switch places."

Yes I would!!!! Try putting a fuel cell in a radiated/contaminated standpipe on a reactor head. You will find most of them backing off very quickly. To be truthful about this..most men would in fact back off very quickly.

My point is that in order to make my moneys I suffer great risks. I do not default through and must often stow or harness my emotions in order to get the job done and moneys earned. This is for my safety and the safety of my teamates. This does not make me better than others...only different.
This is also why I am not intrested in default settings to play through unaccountable or unresponsibly from the women I see and on whom I spend my hard earn moneys...earned often at great risk. I am not intrested in second hand conduct from any woman..when expected to deliver first hand conduct. Got it now??? I dont care what time of the month it is.

I do not have the luxury of playing to my emotions. I am not wont to give such to another at my expense...Understand?? I am not intrested in taking second or further down the line place ..while giving first place to default settings. Only a man can be this naturally stupid...for women as a whole are not.

Most women I have known ,when shopping becomes the issue, are not intrested in the risks or dangers a man takes to earn the moneys. They are intrested in shopping. This is male disposability and expendability. Only a male can be this naturally stupid and a performer for attention from a female that he defaults as a "Career." Understand now??

You decide how often, when, where, and for what reasons you will default as a career opportunity. I have already decided.

Thanks,
Orangetom

Originally posted by defuntion
[Well I wasn't expecting any women to identify with me, but just as there are women with different personality types there are men of different types as well.

LOL, this is true. There are LOTS of personality types, and frankly being a male or female is not necessarily the deciding factor.... I hope it works out for you guys! Good Luck!

reply to post by orangetom1999


Well said. It sounds like you are very strict in your affairs.

For me it's more of a "cost-benefit" type analysis though. What does it cost me each month to suffer through one "episode" of my wife's female condition?
honestly, on average about 6 to 8 hours a month which is a small fraction of the total time I spend with her.
So, if I was completely unwilling to put up with any unpleasantness (whether justified or not) then I would have to trade all the good for the hastles of divorce, finding a new mate who would undoubtedly have the same condition. Not to mention all problems this would cause the children.
I don't see "unacceptance" as a realistic option. Of course, every man's situation is different as is their tolerance.

reply to post by CA_Orot


Oh, we'll be fine. I'm just venting.
We really do get along great most of the time.

I think the odds are in your favor that the next guy you find will be less temperamental.
If not I reccommend the garage and about 3 beers
:w:
Cheers!

Oh dear,
I am ashamed on behalf of my gender.
It is not an excuse to behave nasty.

Period. :bash:

We have two estrogen machines in the house and we both take responsibility for our actions. It isn't always easy and may cause some tears but we don't excuse our selves.

Yes we do do react irrationally at times, but we have the guts to acknowledge our own short comings.

No excuse.
WIS