Any Advice? Fiancee and I are not doing so well

For the past few months we have been fighting alot. We are supposed to get married in about 6 months. Me and her are constantly butting heads. We are both extremely stubborn people.

Was wondering if there is a way to come to terms when we get in an argument. Both of us have to always have the last word...which is what usually turns a little disagreement into this HUGE ordeal that has us fighting almost all day. I love her dearly and don't want anything to happen, but unless the fighting stops somehow...

In any case, any advice?

only advice i can give is both of you need to stay calm, and TALK..communication is key.....i don't mean yelling and fighting.

it's ok to have differences. it's ok to butt heads on issues...just do it in a calm, talking manner.

i don't know what else to say...pick your arguments....

This sounds familiar. I've known a couple who has been married for many years. Both are stubborn and fight constantly. In the end, they ended up divorcing. One person has to give in once in awhile. If both of you are fighting now, how much more when the children comes along, eh?

If your marriage date is 6 months away, NOW is the time for some couples counseling. You'll either learn to deal with each other or learn in the nick of time that you don't belong together and save a lot of time, energy and money on a wedding and then a divorce.

Hmm. Counseling...good idea. Never would have thought of that. Thank you Mr. Pirate Man

You're welcome. And it's Ms. Pirate Ma'am.

reply to post by deadangel23


Yeah the "last word" thing. Not a good situation. My advice? You can always get in the last word, just don't let her hear it.

And my other piece of advice, which applies almost universally whether at work or at home. Just agree. Agree with everything. Then do whatever you need to do. Discussion is good. Fighting and arguing are bad. Avoid them.

It's a matter of priorities. How important is winning an argument? Keep your eye on the goal which is maintaining a relationship or keeping a job or whatever. Figure out what you need to do to accomplish that. It's either worth it to you to do what it takes, or it isn't. Expecting someone else to change is a fool's dream. Not that they can't or won't, but that's out of your control.

Control what you can, which is you.

Good luck.

Getting the last word in was never important to me. I don't understand why it's so important? I agree with yeahright, just don't let her hear you do it

Could someone explain why getting the last word in is so gratifying? There are other more ornery things that can be applied to a situation like that, which are far more gratifying for me

The last word issue is more of a pride thing than anything else. Both of us are extremely strong willed and therefore it stands that " I am right and you are wrong". Of course we can't both be right, but that's that it is like haha.

Yeahright, thanks for the advice. I have tried many times to get the priorites straight but it does get difficult if we are already frustrated and in the heat. When anger sets in, everything else goes out the window. I think I will be trying a little harder though. And, I like the idea of always getting the last word but not letting her hear it. Maybe I will put the phone on mute and yell profanities at her while she is still yelling at me LMAO!

Don't ever go to bed angry. Settle things before you go to sleep. You should make that a common rule in your house. It doesn't always work at my house, but for me, If I have time to stew about something...I'll be far more angry the next day, or the day after. I'm a stubborn Taurus. I don't forgive easily, almost never dependending on the violation, and I never forget!

Trust me, I understand stubborn If I get pushed too hard too fast...I absolutely will not budge.

There is so much good advice in this thread. I used to have a really bad problem with the last word thing and making small situations into big arguments. I would even shoot back after an hour had gone by and I had thought of something else to argue with.

That was terrible. I always wanted other people to change, to help me. It never happened like I wanted. No one in my life seemed to change for me.

So I had to learn how to change myself. So, weather or not this appeals to you, I started studying and diligently following Buddhism. There is so much that can really help, and it really showed me how to be happy.

As far as getting in the last word, I feel it is a matter of letting go. Letting go of our ego which wants to win, which wants to make the other person know our win. But it doesn't matter! It's trivial! It even causes more pain for everyone!

I find that getting to know the person on a very personal level also helps. And it definitely helps to go for a walk, alone. Or talk to a friend who will listen.

I pray your love withstands.

Originally posted by Nyorai
There is so much good advice in this thread. I used to have a really bad problem with the last word thing and making small situations into big arguments. I would even shoot back after an hour had gone by and I had thought of something else to argue with.

That was terrible. I always wanted other people to change, to help me. It never happened like I wanted. No one in my life seemed to change for me.

So I had to learn how to change myself. So, weather or not this appeals to you, I started studying and diligently following Buddhism. There is so much that can really help, and it really showed me how to be happy.

As far as getting in the last word, I feel it is a matter of letting go. Letting go of our ego which wants to win, which wants to make the other person know our win. But it doesn't matter! It's trivial! It even causes more pain for everyone!

I find that getting to know the person on a very personal level also helps. And it definitely helps to go for a walk, alone. Or talk to a friend who will listen.

I pray your love withstands.

Thank you for the wishes. I will have to look into this Buddhism as I am going to consider every advice given on this board to see which works best

Have another question. Does anyone happen to have links to websites with good relatitonship advice? Anything extra would be a big helper.

Realy it comes down to this, is the last word worth and would you rather be happy or be right? No one likes the guy who is always tryign to defend his position sometimes you are just going to disagree. Please if nothng else the two of you should swallow your pride and see a counselor, if you get a good one you will know it they wont judge either of you and will actually try to help you and try to tach the two of you to have healthy productive fights. I hope things work out well for you I really do and dotry to look at this mess as an opportunity to better yourself and your relationship and not as a burden. You have before you a chance other men would love to have make the most of it.

[edit on 12/21/2007 by Jovi1]

Originally posted by deadangel23
For the past few months we have been fighting alot. We are supposed to get married in about 6 months. Me and her are constantly butting heads. We are both extremely stubborn people.

Was wondering if there is a way to come to terms when we get in an argument. Both of us have to always have the last word..

In any case, any advice?

Deadangel and others.

I dont know how olde the two of you are but something for you to think about....and I mean seriously.

First off..the last word thing...this is like pubescent, high school, sandlot type stuff. You leave this stuff back in public school. It is immaturity/insecurity at best. Marriage is living, loving, and working together...as a pair....not one-upmanship....especially sandlot one-upmanshnip.

This means maturity ..from both of you ...not one.

Sounds to me like both of you are not ready for marriage.

The other thing needed particularly by a male is knowing how to lead. You know what I mean...lead...like in dancing. You lead..she follows.
If properly done ..most women like a man who knows how and when to lead. Very important in women ..as apart of that security package.

Any woman who can cause constant confusion by needing to get in the last word...is telling you that she doesnt respect you or your abiliity to lead...if in fact you know how to lead. Do you understand this point?? Very important.

By the way..marriage is not 50/50 percent...it is 100/100 percent. REmember this...this is also how I know you two may not be ready for marriage.
Needing to get in the last word...indicates that both of you will easily tend to lose sight of what is important in a marriage.

Another thing...has it occured to you that your needing to get in the last word indicates a level of insecurity. Dont you think that a woman can spot insecurity a mile away in the dark like radar? HOw long do you think a perceptive woman will take to spot this and take advantage of your last word insecurity to get you to jump..and be in her control..hence losing your ability to lead?? Think long and hard on this one. It is important too.
When a woman doesnt respect you ..your finished. You May as well walk away. Not many women I know respect insecure men...especially ones they can control.

Something for you to think about before getting ready to marry. I am thinking that both of you are not ready.

As to terms ...coming to terms...this is what knowlege of knowing how to lead...is for. Dont you know this???
Are you telling me that your woman has never met a man who can lead her out of this pubescent, sand lot type behavior of needing to get in the last word??? Another reason you may not be ready for marriage.

Thanks,
Orangetom

Wow, Orangetom. I dont know whether to be insulted or enlightened. What you say makes alot of sense though. I used to be confident and leading but she refuses to follow anything. If she isn't in control, she won't hear what others have to say. Maybe a LONG talk is in order tonight when I get home.

Jovi, I know what you mean by "other men would love to have make the most of it". I was one of these men with an ex. Seems I always pick the strong willed "F*** YOU" type women lol.

Thank you for all the help and support.

Wow.... for once, a post of yours I can somewhat agree with, orangetom!

The key to a successful marriage or long-term relationship is NOT attraction, passion, "love", or even great sex....

The key to a successful relationship is Trust, friendship, loyalty, cooperation, and good communication.

Deadangel, if you are finding that you and your partner are combative with each other all the time and have difficulty with even basic Trust and friendship.... you may need to consider the possibility that that could be a dealbreaker.

I know it's hard and probably not what you want to hear, especially when you believe that you "love" someone. And by all means, get help for the relationship, get help from friends and family, try marriage counselling, do your best to try to make it work.

But if these basic "day to day getting along peacefully" issues cannot be resolved amicably, you may need to cut your losses and move on....

My hubby and I are similar but we have worked out a way of dealing with the "last word" thing...take a ten minute time-out and in those ten minutes think about the things you like most about your partner. I know it sounds really corny but it changes your thoughts from negative and combative to all lovey dovey again as you bring the good thoughts to the forefront of your mind and you realise how trivial the argument was.

DeadAngel,

I am glad to see you are mature enought to recognize that this was not intended to be insulting but in fact enlightening.

Marriage is hard work and to be taken very seriously. If you are disagreeing now..over nonsenese.....what will happen when you two have children??

This will be a forumla for you becoming disposable and expendable. Love, sex ,and beauty are a nice commondity but it takes more than that to make a marriage. Alot more.

I agree with what MrDstrbr says in that you may need to cut your losses.

Above all ...learn to lead...not just with this woman..but any other too. By this I mean lead....not from your ego standpoint or desires but from the standpoint of what is best for the both of you. Even if it means cutting your losses. Once you are sure...make up your mind and stick with it..dont let her change your mind for you. Remember that control/respect buisness??

Strong willed women are fine...if they are correct on issues. If they are correct on issues...there is nothing you can say about it ..or you risk urinating intot he wind and we know how that turns out. That respect thing again!!
But if they are wrong for the two of you and dont accept responsibilty for thier errors..you will be constantly urinating or being urinated on ..into the wind again. Do you want a career in urinating into the wind or being urinated on and taking responsibility for it. Doing twice the work and commitment for half the pay or less??
That is what is happeing if you dont learn how to lead..and she learn to trust in your leading.

The most valuable commodity a woman brings to a man ..with or without children is Peace...not Piece. Understand??

Peace takes and requires real commitment from a woman...not the "appearence " of commitment. Piece does not take that much commitment from a woman..or a man for that matter.

Ironically..so few women and men know this today in lieu of being good consumers.

A woman should know how to look at a man ..inside and know or learn what is missing from his life and how to fill that need ..as a career. Not substitute her strong willed needs and wants for his. Understand.??
By His needs I dont mean his ego needs..but what is actually missing from his life.
A woman who is this perceptive can put a man on a drug....a very powerful drug. A spiritual drug.
Unfortunately today...most women dont know how to do this...or make it last.
What is worse ..most men dont know or are totally unaware of this concept. So how could they ever define it or even Lead!!

ONe more thing..DeadAngel..dont ever let a woman like this ..shake your confidence...they can recognize this too. Back to that leading thing again.
Otherwise..you are just a lost puppy..looking for approval from her. Trying out for approval like trying out for a baseball team. YOu know..tryouts. Trying to make the cut. Without knowing it you can be trying out for scraps off the table for which you are working to set up with food.

Gotta go..work to do around here.

Thanks,
Orangetom

Originally posted by orangetom1999

Dude, I am copying that and emailing it to myself so i can read it when I get home. That is awesome. Thanks alot!