(MSDWC) TC

This is a semi-autobiographical story of my experiences moving to another country.

TC

FADE IN:

Following a schoolbus en route to Jake’s house. The school bus is turning into a housing development. Cut to JAKE sitting in the back of the bus. As the shot pans out, it shows the bus is now a double decker. He exits the bus.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Adolescence. Growing up and experiencing things as a young adult rather than a kid. Girls, friends, illicit materials and all that follows along.. These are challenging for most young men when they are here, in America, but in other countries...its a totally different story

Jake, lunchbox in hand, begins screaming in anger. The scene fades from Jake in normal clothes and a lunchbox to, Jake in a blue blazer and shorts, holding a briefcase. The scream ends after Jake is seen in his uniform.


INT. HOUSE – DAY

Jake, MOM and ANNIE are downstairs in the kitchen finishing their breakfast.

JAKE
I hate this crap! I do not look like a normal kid! Look at me, I am holding a briefcase!
Annie is laughing hysterically at Jake’s knee socks. He looks at her and makes a face.

MOM
Oh stop it Ann Marie! You’re going to fit in just perfect. Just be your self and everyone will love you.

Jake sneezes quickly, then makes his “throat noise” which is comparable to that of a bullfrog.


JAKE
Yep. i have no friends, and I am wearing knee socks. Knee socks!

MOM
You poor thing. Did you take your medicine? Its supposed to be BAD here.

Jake grabs his hair and begins to talk louder

JAKE
Great! That's a nice extra that nobody bothered to mention. Maybe if I'm lucky Ill get a nosebleed and have to come home!

ANNIE
No fair Mom, if he gets to come home so do I.

MOM
Be quiet! Both of you! I don't want to hear any more complaining. This is hard for all of us. You guys just have to try and get through it. OK lets get going.

The small Honda drives through Tettenhall Village green and arrives at the front gates of TETTENHALL COLLEGE. Mom stops the car and gets out to say good bye.


EXT. FRONT GATES TETTENHALL COLLEGE –MORNING

MOM
Good luck! Remember, just be yourselves, OK?

Mom gives both kids kisses and then she gets in her car and drives away.
Jake and Annie stare at the ominous looking buildings that stand in front of them. Annie starts walking through the massive gates, Jake follows.

As they approach the doors, Jake sneezes two times very quickly. Annie stops while he sneezes.

ANNIE
Eeew Jake, you just got snot mist all over my face, that is so gross. At least put your hand over your mouth.

Jake cannot respond because he is making his throat noise. The two continue on through the door. Jake’s throat noise is still audible as they enter the building.


INT. TETTENHALL COLLEGE –MORNING

Jake and Annie walk through the maze of hallways until they find an enormous wooden door. They wrap on the door with the giant brass knocker and wait for someone to answer.

After a minute, the headmaster MR. DALE emerges from his office. It is a smoke filled haze. As he greets Jake and Annie, they are overwhelmed by the stench of alcohol on Mr. Dale’s breath.

MR. DALE
You must be the Americans! What can I possibly help you with? Shouldn't you be in your formrooms?

JAKE
What are formrooms Mr. Dale?

MR. DALE
You shall refer to me as Sir, thank you very much!

Jake and Annie pause and glance at each other in disbelief.

ANNIE
OK, Sir. We were instructed to come here to find out where to go. We just walked through the door.

JAKE
Sir, can you also point me to the bathroom?

Mr. Dale laughs sarcastically, and then says...

MR. DALE
Over here in England, what you call a bathroom we call the toilet. Now would you like to ask me again with some manners?

JAKE
Uh, sure? Can you please show me where the toilet is?

Mr. Dale pauses and stares at Jake as if he forgot something. Annie nudges Jake and gestures to him to say something else.

JAKE CONT’D
Oh...Sir!

MR. DALE
Now let me show you to your formrooms.


INT. HALLWAY T.C. – DAY

The group is walking through the hallway with Mr. Dale leading the pack. They stop at a door. Mr. Dale is waiting. Jake and Annie don't know what is going on.

JAKE
Did you forget something in your office, Sir?

Jake looks at Annie and gives her a smile and a wink as if you show that he remembered to say Sir.
Mr. Dale turns around slowly and says...

MR. DALE
Where are your manners? In England, it is polite to open the door for people, especially adults and teachers. So...

Mr. Dale steps back to allow Jake to open the door for him. As Jake opens the door, Mr. Dale darts through it and carries on at his fast pace. They arrive at the first stop, Jake’s formroom.

ANNIE
Good luck J.

Jake looks at Annie with a semi-cocksure smile and nods.


INT CLASSROOM - DAY

As they walk in, all of the students stand up.

MR. DALE
Aright sit down. This is Jake Richards; he is a new student here from America.

Some students can be heard gasping as if he is some famous person.

MR. DALE (CONT’D)
This is his first day here at Tettenhall College, so I hope you all try to make him feel welcome. Carry On.

As Mr. Dale is done saying carry on, Jake meets eyes with two boys that are staring at him. They both smile deceitfully and turn around. The teacher starts his class and Jake is apparently flustered.


EXT JAKE’S HOUSE -MORNING

Mom arrives home from dropping kids off to find the gardener, TAFFY, about to plant flowers.

TAFFY
Oh good morning My dear lady, how are you on this fine spring day, Good morning.?

MOM
Oh I'm doing just great. What is your name again, my husband told me but I just can’t remember for the life of me?

TAFFY
Taffy me lady! Taffy, like saltwater. Anywho, I have selected these lovely geraniums to plant out front, do you have any suggestions?

MOM
No, I love Geraniums...

TAFFY
Ah you've guessed it! How did you know I got geraniums? Did you see them when you left?

Mom looks at taffy in confusion.

MOM
Uh, no. You just told me a second ago.

TAFFY
Oh you’ll have to forgive me Mrs. Richardson, The old memory isn't what it used to be.

MOM
(laughing)
Its OK, I'm not arguing with you, you're the one with the gardening spade in your hand.

TAFFY
Oh thank you Missus. Oh, before you go in, have you seen my gardening spade around here?

Mom points down to Taffy’s right hand and smiles. He makes an “oh” face and smiles back.


INT TETTENHALL COLLEGE -DAY

Annie is sitting in class waiting for the teacher to walk in. She is sitting by three other girls. She decides to strike up conversation with them.

ANNIE
Hi, My name is Ann Marie, but my friends call me Annie.

The girls acknowledge her presence but don't say anything back to her.

ANNIE (CONT’D)
What do you girls do for fun around here?

GIRL 1
(sarcastically)
Well we like to try and snog as many lads as possible.

GIRL 2
Yeah, then we sit around and talk about how beautiful we are.

The rude tones of the girls make Annie feel completely unwelcome. She wonders what she could have possibly done to make these girls be so mean to her on her first day.


INT BAG ROOM -DAY

After class the girls huddle in the bag room for a little gossip.

GIRL 1
That American has some nerve. Acting like we are her best friends.

GIRL 2
Who does she think she is? The queen of New York?

GIRL 3
We are under a threat from this little strumpet! She obviously knows that she is gorgeous.

GIRL 1
Well we’re not going to let any newcomers get in our way!

GIRL 3
Yeah, nobody touches our lads!

Annie walks in the bag room as Girl 3 is finishing her comment. The girls quiet down immediately, and file out the door within seconds of Annie walking in the room. She stands there in disbelief.

EXT SCHOOL GROUNDS -DAY

Physical Education class, cross-country run, the two kids that were glaring at Jake in class dart ahead, they are good runners. Jake is in dead last with another pudgy kid ALAM.

ALAM
So where are you from in America? Florida? California?

JAKE
Ohio

ALAM
O, what?

JAKE
Ohio, like Cleveland.

Alam stops running and is nearly out of breath. Jake stops along with him, they are both sweating profusely and walking.

ALAM
I've never heard of that place before.

JAKE
So are you part of the plot to make my life a living hell?

ALAM
What do you mean?

Jake sneezes two times quickly, then makes his throat noise.

ALAM (CONT’D)
What the hell was that, it sounded like your mouth was farting.

JAKE
I have bad allergies. The first class I had, I saw these two kids staring at me like I was going to be killed after the day was over.

ALAM
Ahh, those ponsy wankers..they're nothing but smeg on my knob mate...Pardon my francaise.

JAKE
Huh? I didn't understand anything that just came out of your mouth, can you repeat that in English please?

ALAM
Sorry, what i meant to say, was that they're just full of themselves. They're all friends with prefects so they think they're all hard.

JAKE
Well I'm pretty much counting on being beaten up in the playground.

ALAM
The playground?

JAKE
Or given a swirlie.

ALAM
A swirlie? I don't know what you're on about?

JAKE
The playground, you know, where you play at recess?

ALAM
Ahh you mean the tarmac. And we play during break.

Jake looks at Alam as if he is speaking a foreign language.

ALAM
Aright yankee doodle, we should get running before we get bollocked at the top.

Jake looks at him in confusion and keeps on running.


INT LOCKER ROOM -DAY

The two boys that were staring at Jake during class have finished the cross country run quickly. They are back in the locker room searching for Jake’s briefcase.

TOM
Did you see where he was standing?

ANDY
No, but look for the briefcase with that stupid badge on it, its a red bloody herring...oh I've found it.

TOM
Lovely!

Tom takes the briefcase and opens both locks; he puts the briefcase open on the floor.

Laughing is heard as the scene fades.


EXT LOCKER ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Jake and Alam are walking up to the locker room after finishing their run. Most of the kids are dressed and waiting by the door for lunch. Jake and Alam stroll in and begin to get changed leisurely. Jake sees the two boys s'n-word'ing to each other. Jake stares at them coldly, despite his lack of speed, height and strength

JAKE
Do you think that those uh, wankers, or whatever you call them are gonna do anything to me?

ALAM
Naaaa, they've got their willy in a twist mate, you ain't gotta worry. Even if they did do something to you, Ill nut some heads if need be.

JAKE
Really?

Jake smiles, as Alam continues to get changed. Jake is almost paralyzed due to the fact that someone has apparently befriended him. He finishes getting changed.


INT CLASSROOM -DAY

Annie is sitting in class looking all cute. There are a group of boys that are mesmerized by her stunning looks and her accent. The teacher is going over a topic and is asking questions.

MR. GARDENER
And what grammatical error is in this sentence?

Annie raises her hand.

MR. GARDENER (CONT’D)
Yes?

ANNIE
Yes sir, my name is Ann Marie, and there should be a colon instead of a semi colon.

MR. GARDENER
Correct.
Mr. Gardener goes on to elaborate; the boys are literally drooling on themselves after hearing her talk. One of the boys whispers to the other.

BOY 1
Did you hear how she said “semi”?

BOY 2
Sem - eye. Bloody hell, what I would give to have her...


INT JAKE’S HOUSE - DAY

Mom is greeted with the presence of a company employee, JANET. She has brought over some meats and other traditional things for them to have.

MOM
Thank you so much, you shouldn't have.

JANET
Oh its no problem at all, I just thought you'd like some typical English things. Go on, see what’s in there.

Mom pulls out a red box and sniffs it

JANET (CONT’D)
Oh that's Turkish Delight, go on try one, they're dead nice.

Mom opens box removes one and takes a bite. She winces at the taste

MOM
Tastes like flowers.

JANET
Its actually rose jelly. Oh well I'm sure you’ll like what’s next

Mom pulls out a platter with assorted meats on it. None of them look familiar to her.

MOM
What do we have here, some lovely meats.

JANET
Oh yes, I've got some faggots, haggis and my favorite, Tongue.

As Janet says tongue, the scene switches to Jake in line for food.


INT DINING ROOM -DAY

Jake and Alam are in line to get food, Jake is not responding to the calls of the lunch lady. She finally yells at him.

LUNCHLADY
Oy, you! Do you want tongue or haggis? I don't have all day.

Jake looks around to see what other kids have. Alam nudges him.

ALAM
Oy, if you don't want the tongue, Ill take the bloody thing, I'm dead hungry.

JAKE
Uh, Ill just take the tongue, I guess.

The lunch lady dishes Jake some tongue on his plate; he proceeds to take a knife and a fork and follows his buddy Alam to a table. Jake puts his tray down and begins to peruse the piece of tongue; he begins to cut it with the fork until an old lady smacks his arm in the process.

OLD LADY
Where are your manners young man, put your wings down and you wont hit your neighbors, go on put your wings down!

Jake looks at Alam in disarray, and them just puts his utensils down. The old lady walks away.

JAKE
What was that all about?

ALAM
You have to keep your elbows down when you eat or else you’ll be reported.

JAKE
Reported?

ALAM
You know, reported. You’ll get a discredit and have to go see the headmaster.

JAKE
All for eating with my elbows up?

ALAM
No but it could lead to that.

JAKE
Whew, I thought I was going to get beaten with a cane? Here you take this, I'm not hungry.

ALAM
You don't want your tongue?!

Alam begins ravaging the extra piece of tongue as Jake looks on in disgust.


INT CLASSROOM -DAY

Lunch has just finished and Jake is headed to class with his new buddy. On the walk to the classroom, Jake is making his annoying throat noise excessively, it is apparent that the lush shrubbery on the grounds is not doing his allergies any good. Class has just begun and MR HOPKINS is lecturing the class. Jake begins sneezing repeatedly.

MR. HOPKINS
Are you alright, man?

Jake replies in broken form as he is sneezing or about to sneeze the whole time.

JAKE
Yes, Sir, I just have bad allergies.

MR. HOPKINS
Well can you do something about it you’re disturbing my class!

Jake starts knocking stuff off of his desk in bout of sneezing.

MR. HOPKINS (CONT’D)
Don't you have some tissues? You look a right mess.

Jake reaches for the briefcase. Tom and Andy look quickly at each other in anticipation. Jake clicks the two locks open on his briefcase and opens it slowly. Jake’s face is one of total shock, and dismay. He is motionless, and has apparently stopped sneezing. Everyone around him is gasping and shrieking. Zoom in on a pile of dung in the middle of Jake’s briefcase.

MR. HOPKINS
What on earth is that?

ANDY
It’s Poo! He’s got poo on his textbooks!

Jake looks visibly shaken. Looking at Andy and Tom he says...

JAKE
You pricks!

All of the kids are grossed out by this. Jake closes his briefcase. He then turns to look at Alam. Alam looks angrier than Jake. He is mouthing the word “wankers” and shaking his head in angry disbelief.

MR. HOPKINS
Mr., Richardson! How dare you use that foul language in here! Why don't you go and sort this matter out with the headmaster. Go on.

Jake takes his poo-filled briefcase and strolls out of the classroom with his head down.

INT TETTENHALL COLLEGE -DAY

Jake arrives at Mr. Dale’s office and stands outside for a moment. He takes a deep breath and knocks three times. Jake stands there for a couple of minutes. Being impatient, he knocks three more times but harder. Mr. Dale emerges from the smoke filled haze of his office and coughs uncontrollably.

MR. DALE
What is it?

JAKE
Uh sir, Mr. Hopkins told me to come down here.

MR. DALE
For what?

JAKE
Well I said a naughty word...

MR. DALE
Foul language will not be tolerated in this establishment...What’s that horrible smell?

JAKE
Well sir, that’s the thing…

Jake puts his briefcase on a nearby table, pops the locks and opens it up.

JAKE (CONT’D)
When I went to class after gym, I opened up my briefcase and unbeknownst to me, there was a healthy log staring me down.

Mr. Dale, obviously intoxicated, sees the poo and cannot handle it. He runs back into his office and the sound of vomiting is heard. Jake shrugs his shoulders, closes his briefcase and heads back to class.


INT TETTENHALL COLLEGE - DAY

Annie is getting her bags for Physical Education from the allotted room for bags. As she picks up her bag she drops something from her pocket. She turns around, bends over at the waist and picks it up. As she is getting up she notices two boys standing in the doorway staring at her in awe.

ANNIE
What the hell are you doing?

BOY 1
Uh we were just waiting for you to finish.

ANNIE
Finish what?

BOY 2
Getting your bags! We didn't want to cause you any inconvenience by crowding the room.

Boy 1 getting all flustered by the sheer presence of Annie says...

BOY 1
Yes, its all for you my dear yankee queen.

ANNIE
(Angrily)
Excuse me? I don't know who you think you are, but I would not touch you nasty turds for a million bucks!

Annie storms out of the room with her bags.

BOY 2
What in God’s name possessed you to say that, you twat?

BOY 1
I thought she would like it.

BOY 2
No you wanker, she wants someone to show her how gentlemanly us Brits really are.

BOY 1
Bollocks!

BOY 2
What did she mean by turd anyway?

Boy 1 shrugs his shoulders. They both grab their bags and leave.


INT JAKE’S HOUSE -DAY

Janet is waiting anxiously as Mom samples all of her repulsive goodies. Mom looks disgusted.

JANET
How do you like the faggot?

MOM
Its lovely. Just a little sour.

JANET
Here, wash it down with a little bit of fizzy drink.

Janet hands Mom a can of what appears to be pop. Mom takes a hearty swig. She Spits it out immediately in complete disgust.

MOM
What the hell was that?

JANET
Just some fizzy drink...

MOM
I mean what flavor?

JANET
Well its Dandelion and Burdock. It’s an English classic.

Mom, with a look of disgust on her face looks at Janet and says...

MOM
I think Ill just stick to root beer.

There is a knock at the door. Janet gets up and opens the door. Taffy is standing there with a big smile on his face.

TAFFY
Hello ladies, I was just wondering if I could trouble you for a quick cup of tea.

JANET
Just a second Taffy. Where do you keep your tea Mrs. Richardson?

MOM
There’s some iced tea in the fridge.

Janet looks puzzled as to why the tea would be in the fridge.

TAFFY
What do we have here...Dandelion and Burdock! Very good stuff here.


INT HALLWAY T.C. -DAY
Jake and Alam are walking to class and discussing their options in retaliation for the briefcase poo. Alam is almost more furious than Jake.

ALAM
Wankers! Bloody Wankers!

JAKE
Calm down, you’re going to get us in trouble for being so loud.

ALAM
Sorry mate, but I'm at my wits end. They’ve taken the piss a couple of times, but I'm not havin it.

JAKE
They’ve done what to you?

ALAM
You know, make fun of me.

JAKE
Why?

ALAM
Because I'm a pudgy Indian.

JAKE
I thought that I was being singled out.

Jake pulls Alam aside into a small room where bags are kept. BATTLE MUSIC is playing.

JAKE (CONT’D)
We have to do something, and we have to do it fast. This is no laughing matter.

ALAM
Yeah lets just walk up to them, kick them in the knackers and run?

JAKE
No that won’t work. We need to let them know who’s in charge!

Jake begins whispering in Alam’s ear. Alam is grinning and laughing.


INT BAG ROOM -DAY

Jake has placed some chocolate laxatives in a makeshift trap in hopes to exact revenge on his enemies. The laxatives are placed in the bag room where Jake has seen Tom and Andy hanging out. He sets the coco-lax near their bags and runs off.


INT BAG ROOM -MOMENTS LATER

Tom and Andy walk into the bag room gabbing at one another. As Tom sits down he notices a bag containing what he thinks is chocolate. He begins laughing.

TOM
Looks like some poor sod’s left us a treat.

ANDY
Yes it does me matey, yes it does.

Tom and Andy begin scarfing the coco-lax and continue talking.


EXT TETTENHALL COLLEGE -DAY

It is a break from class and the kids are outside playing. Alam and Jake are keeping a close watch on the whereabouts of Tom and Andy. Jake and Alam are waiting by a door behind a wall. The door swings open and two voices are heard moving quickly inside.

TOM
I don't know if I can make it.

ANDY
I hope no one’s in there! Please!


INT HALLWAY T.C. - DAY

Jake has heard his cue. He proceeds inside in pursuit of the boys. They have gone to the bathroom. Jake and Alam are sauntering through the halls to get to the bathroom quickly. They arrive outside the bathroom and Jake hands Alam a pound coin.

ALAM
What’s this for?

JAKE
When we go in there they should both be in the stalls doing their deed. We cram the coin in the opening between the metal part behind the lock and the door, and then just follow me.

ALAM
What’ll that do?

JAKE
You’ll see.


INT BATHROOM - DAY

Jake and Alam enter quietly. The boys are both in the stalls relieving themselves from the cafeteria food and the unexpected dessert. Jake and Alam put the coins in their assigned spots. Alam watches Jake to see what to do. Jake turns on all of the cold taps in the bathroom He then begins to pull out rolls of toilet paper and putting it in the sink. The toilet paper is soaked.

TOM
Oy! What’s going on out there?

Jake takes the soaked toilet paper, balls it up and lobs it over the top of the stall. It hits its target. Alam does the same. Screams are heard as the helpless boys get pelted with wet toilet paper. After a minute of punishment, Jake and Alam exit the bathroom hastily.

ANDY
There's no bog roll!

INT CLASSROOM - DAY
Jake and Alam are sitting in class listening to the teacher speak. A knock at the door yields Tom and Andy soaked to the bone. They waddle into class dripping water everywhere and shivering.

MR. HOPKINS
What the hell have you two been doing! Its half past!

ANDY
Sir, somebody trapped us in the toilet and there wasn't any bog roll.

The class makes a unanimous EEEW after hearing that not only were the two soaked but they hadn't wiped either.

TOM
Sir, we were really trapped in the toilet.

The class erupts into laughter at the state of their classmates. Jake s'n-word's and mutters to himself “trapped in the toilet”

TOM (CONT’D)
And we couldn't get out! Honestly we couldn't

MR. HOPKINS
I don't know what you two were up to but you look a right disgrace! Get to the headmasters office now! You two are appalling!

Jake, chuckling to himself, looks at the boys and gives them the peace sign as to say later. In England, the V’s as they are commonly referred to as, are the equivalent of giving the middle finger. The teacher catches sight of this,

MR. HOPKINS (CONT’D)
What was that!

JAKE
Excuse me?

MR. HOPKINS
Don't you “excuse me”! I saw that young man. How dare you give the V’s in my classroom. They must not teach you any manners at all in America. You lot get to the headmasters office and explain yourselves.

The boys waddle out of the classroom and Jake follows with a big smirk on his face.


INT CLASSROOM -DAY

The school day is nearing the end. Annie is in class and to her surprise, she sees a note being passed around like she’s used to. Eventually she gets a letter from a guy sitting next to her. She opens it and it reads,”Meet me behind the squash courts for a snog after school”. She looks around her and puts the note in her pocket.


EXT TETTENHALL COLLEGE -MOMENTS LATER

Annie is exiting the building and decides to see what the whole snog thing is about. She goes down to the squash court and peers behind it. She sees people standing around but she doesn't know who could have written the letter. Suddenly she catches sight of two semi-cute guys and approaches them.

ANNIE
Did one of you guys write me this note?

BOY 3
Well what did it say?

ANNIE
Just answer my question.

BOY 3
Alright it was me. So you wanna snog or what?

ANNIE
Uh what’s he doing here?

BOY 3
Its my mate, he's gonna watch.

BOY 4
Alright!

ANNIE
Whatever. Lets go.

Having failed at making new friends on her first day, Annie begins making out with Boy 3. Boy 4 is transfixed on Annie, watching her like she was a dirty TV channel. After a good minute or two of making out, they finish and Annie leaves.

ANNIE (CONT’D)
If you've got any other friends that are as cute as you two, just have them slip me a note. See you later boys!

Boys are standing around looking very conspicuous and crouching over slightly.

BOY 3
I don't think Ill be able to leave just yet.

BOY 4
Neither can I mate...Neither can I!

They look at each other and acknowledge they have the same problem with standing up, let alone walking.


INT TETTENHALL COLLEGE -DAY

Jake, Tom and Andy are standing outside Mr. Dales office. There is complete silence as you could cut the tension with a knife due to the circumstances experienced by all. Tom wraps on the door. All that can be heard from inside is the exhaling of cigarette smoke, the motion of liquid in a glass bottle and jazz music. Tom wraps on the door again with more authority. In usual fashion, Mr. Dale emerges in a severely intoxicated state

MR. DALE
What is it now?

ANDY
Sir, we were sabotaged by someone in the loo. They trapped us in the stalls and bombarded us with wet toilet roll.

MR. DALE
Well did this happen to all of you?

Jake in disbelief of the blatant overlooking of the obvious rolls his eyes and says.

JAKE
No sir, I did this.

Jake demonstrates the sign that he made. Mr. Dales eyes open up wide and he begins to get very angry. He screams at the top of his lungs...

MR. DALE
The V’s, how dare you do such a vile thing in my presence. I am John W. Dale, a Rhodes scholar and...

In the middle of his uproar and speech, Mr. Dale turns and runs into his office and closes the door quickly. The boys hear Mr. Dale begin to throw up violently.

JAKE
That is one serious drunk.

Tom and Andy just stand there in disbelief. Jake on the other hand turns and walks away as this is the second time it has happened to him in the same day.

TOM
Where are you going? You're going to get bollocked when he gets back.

JAKE
Sure, whatever!


EXT JAKE’S HOUSE -DAY

Mom is recovering from the bout of nasty food brought by Janet by walking around the yard. Taffy is making a lot of noise in the garage. Mom walks up to see what the ruckus is about.

MOM
Taffy, are you OK?

TAFFY
Oh yes me lady, I was just moving some things so I can get the lawnmower out.

MOM
Well all you have to do is ask me to move my car.. Hold on...

TAFFY
Oh no, allow me.

MOM
Are you sure?

TAFFY
Its OK you just go relax, Ill move your car and bring the keys inside when I'm done.

MOM
Thank you so much Taffy. I really appreciate how much you're doing to make us feel at home.

TAFFY
Anything for you, me lady.

Mom looks at Taffy and smiles. She gives him her keys and goes inside.


EXT JAKE’S HOUSE -LATER

Mom is coming outside to get her keys that Taffy has apparently not given back to her. It is 4:15 and she has to pick the kids up at 4:20 when school ends. Taffy is nowhere in sight. Mom starts to get worried. She starts walking towards the furthest point of their property.

MOM
Taffy! Taffy!

She keeps walking until she reaches the end of the property. She sees Taffy trying to unlock the shed.

MOM (CONT’D)
Taffy?

TAFFY
Hello, I was just trying to open up the shed to put the lawnmower back.

MOM
Why are you putting it in there? Don’t you keep it in the garage?

TAFFY
No, No, it stays in here

MOM
Well then what did you need my car keys for?

TAFFY
Car keys?

MOM
Yes car keys! Remember, I gave them to you so you could move my car to get the lawnmower, and you never gave them back.

TAFFY
There must be some mistake...

Taffy continues to try and open the padlock that keeps the shed shut. He is forcing the keys into the hole.

TAFFY (CONT’D)
Bloody keys don't want to open the lock! Come on you little sod!

Mom looks half angry half confused.

MOM
Let me see, maybe I can help?

TAFFY
Its OK missus, I've got it.

MOM
I insist! Let me try!

TAFFY
Alright. Give it a go.

MOM
Taffy, these are my car keys! You were supposed to bring these back to me two hours ago!

TAFFY
Really? Are you sure?...My mistake! I’m sorry Mrs. Richardson. Please accept my apology.

MOM
Apology accepted, but I have to run and get the kids.

TAFFY
Good day to you.

As Mom runs off, Taffy looks around as if he has lost some keys. He starts searching for them again, not realizing that the mower goes in the garage.

EXT TETTENHALL COLLEGE -AFTERNOON

School has ended for the day. Jake and Alam walk out through the gates together. Mom zooms up to the stop and jumps out. She is waiting there for Jake and Annie along with the other Moms picking up their kids. She appears disheveled.

JAKE
Mom this is my friend Alam

MOM
Hi!

ALAM
It’s a pleasure to meet you Mrs. Richardson!

MOM
Wow what manners you have. Is your mother here Alam?

ALAM
No I have to walk home.

JAKE
We can give you a ride...

Annie exits the gates with a big grin on her face.

MOM
OK lets go. I'm sure you both have some stories for us!

As they are walking away, Jake throws his briefcase in a garbage can outside the gates

MOM (CONT’D)
What are you doing? That's brand new?

JAKE
Ill tell you later!

INT JAKE’S HOUSE -EVENING
The family is eating dinner. Everyone is a little on edge after the first day, apart from Dad who is loving it.

DAD
Well I hope everyone had as good of a day as I did. These English people are so damn friendly, I don't know if Ill ever want to leave.

Mom looks at Dad as if to say “have you gone crazy”.

DAD (CONT’D)
So Jake, did you learn anything today? Anything interesting?

JAKE
Yeah I learned that if kids don't like you they’ll crap in your briefcase!

DAD
Somebody did what? That's horrible!

JAKE
I didn't get in trouble though. The headmaster saw it and started throwing up, so I figured I just got off easy.

After Jake’s sarcastic response, Dad looks down and keeps eating.

MOM
The cleaner, Janet, stopped by today with some tasty traditional treats.

DAD
What’d she bring over?

MOM
Flower pop, flower candy, faggots, haggis, tongue...

JAKE
Tongue, that's what I had for lunch.

MOM
You ate tongue?

JAKE
No, I gave it to Alam, he wolfed it right up.

DAD
How about you Annie?

ANNIE
Lets see. All the girls hate me for some unknown reason, but apart from like every guy drooling on me...Id say that the teachers want me too!

Jake drops his silverware and stands up.

JAKE
You know what Dad, this place really sucks! Bad! Not only did I have my briefcase crapped in, I also had to run 3 miles, eat tongue, and call every teacher sir. I don't even know what their names are. Everyone is SIR! I'm going to go crazy Dad. Cant we just go back to Ohio?

DAD
Listen I know its hard. Its hard for all of us. But you just have to suck it up and keep going. We are visitors here, these people love Americans. It might not seem like that to you now. But just give it time. These fun loving Limeys will be worshipping the ground we walk on in no time.

ANNIE
You really think that will happen Dad? I tried talking to every girl I saw and they all just turned their heads away.

Dad looks blankly around the table until Jake interjects...

JAKE
Honestly Dad, you couldn't make me believe that for a second. You wanna know how I REALLY feel about the situation here?

DAD
Sure!

Jake pauses, stares and gives his Dad the V’s.

JAKE
You know what this means Dad?

DAD
Yeah, that's a peace sign.

JAKE
That it is father. But over here, it means “Thanks for the advice”!

DAD
You learn something new everyday!

Dad puts down his silverware and gives Jake the V sign back. Then Mom and Annie follow Jake’s lead and give Dad the V sign.
The family laughs at Jake’s wisecracks towards his Dad and his glorification of Americans, and keeps eating. The scene ends with everyone at the dinner table talking. The first day was bad but it can only get better.
As the credits roll...


INT DADS WORKPLACE -DAY

Dad is discussing an issue in a co-workers office with a group os his peers. He finishes the discussion and walks down the hallway towards his office. He walks into the bathroom.


INT DADS WORKPLACE -MOMENTS LATER

As he exits the bathroom he walks down the hall towards his office. He begins passing the co-workers that he just met with. Cherishing their input and views, he starts giving everyone the V sign to say “thanks for the advice”. Everyone is looking at him in total disgust, but he continues to give the sign to everyone. As the last credit rolls by...

WORKER 1
Such rude Americans!

FADE OUT:

THE END

With autobiography comes reality.

I regret to inform you all that my old gardener, Taffy, has passed away. He is in a better place now.

RIP Evan Williams

Thanks Don Whan for your well written story. My Mom was in theatre and used to read plays all the time and had me helping her when I would. Good family story and memories.