posted on Apr, 26 2007 @ 10:20 AM
First things first, although I'm given the impression you won't be too impressed- I'm sorry to hear about all that stuff you're having to deal
with and I hope that things turn around. I don't know the first thing about that kind of problem to be honest so i just don't want to say too much-
I can't even pretend to understand it. But good luck for what its worth.
As for the why...
I think it would be more than a little presumptuous for me to try and tell you who you are or why, but I can identify with a couple of the things
you've mentioned and I don't mind telling you why I think its that way in my own life.
I don't usually cry when people die. Years ago I stopped getting upset when my mom chooses drugs or abusive men over her family. I didn't cry when
my wedding engagement broke up about 3 hours before the rehersal, and I really did love her- I just dont cry. Actually I felt very good about the
decision I'd made and was pretty happy off and on after that, even though I missed her.
I don't like most people, even before I meet them. Even the people I do like usually bore me. I don't have relationships just for the heck of it. I
stick to people because there is something in it for me- not materially, but mentally/psychologically.
About half of my friends and acquaintances are just people who are extremely interested in the things I know, and so we occasionally go out for coffee
or a beer or whatever and I break down the inner workings of the universe for them. I tell them interesting things and they are interested in what I
have to say and that makes us both happy. We don't usually talk about our days, we rarely "do anything" together beyond drinking coffee and
talking, and we never talk about our families.
A few others I have because they are the rare sort that have something to say that interests me- Bosky is twice the poet I'll ever be, Pio is
certifiably insane, Jeremy is almost as depressing a presence as myself, Stormy has been all over Europe and I'd kill for a chance to date her,
But there's nobody in that group, and only 2 people in my family (my brothers, who lead extremely interesting and dangerous lives) who I want to hear
about recent personal events from. When my grandmother recounts her appointments and store visits of the day, stopping at each one to tell me what was
wrong with the customer service person at that particular establishment, then gives the same old sigh and says she's too young to be exhausted by all
of that.... I love my grandma but I want to curse at her, because I can't do anything with what that information, and it is almost invariably
interrupting some very complex thought- a plot I'm thinking of writing or an alternative history or a war that might be fought or a better
mousetrap... at any given time I'm probably creating something and I don't want to stop and talk about people's day.
My saving grace is that nobody suspects just how cold I am towards them because I compulsively go charging in to other people's problems at the first
invitation and work harder at it than they do. I suspect that it's because it elevates me in my own mind, or because it challenges me... or maybe
because I subconciously believe that there will be either a worldy or cosmic reward for doing the right thing, though my outer cynic would never
believe something like that.
I think for me all of that is a product of a few things: number one, I'm too smart for my own good. Number two, people made a really bad impression
on me when I was young- all they ever did was making things worse for me. Same for emotions. 3. I don't believe in God, and if there was one I
probably wouldn't like him. Aside from being the conclusion that my mind is best able to support, it's also fairly convenient- it takes the
consequence- in both senses of the word- out of a lot of things.
Of course in my case it actually has made me a bit of a materialist as well- and I'm not happy exactly- it's just that feeling bad doesn't hurt for
me- I sometimes enjoy a brief spell of depression.
I also despise virtually anything that society popularly decides. I cared about 9/11, but people were being drama queens about it and it really made
it hard for me to care as much as I should have. At the end of the day, I had forgotten the towers were there until the first plane hit, I didn't
know anyone who was in any danger, I had nothing to lose, and I knew damn well we were gonna repay the favor in spades. It wasn't a new Pearl Harbor-
Pearl Harbor heralded the realization of a great threat to our freedom. We'd just found ourself in the midst of a two-front war, both fronts over
separate seas, and a good portion of our navy had just become a smoking heap. I didn't see that happening on 9/11. Honestly, I think the people who
acted most hurt by it are the ones who wouldn't trade 9/11 for anything- I think they were glad something important had happened in their lives and
they were desperate to be a part of it. So I think you're just perfectly normal on that count.
[edit on 26-4-2007 by The Vagabond]