posted on Apr, 22 2007 @ 06:01 PM
I think there is a secret, a secret that may have
something to do with what happened... that night.
I've seen the lights.
For me it started on a lonley country road... looking for a short cut,
that I never found.
It began with a closed deserted Little Chef and a man too long
without sleep to continue his journey.
It began with the landing of a craft from another galaxy nailing the
atmosphere at Mach 15, which you guys know is pretty unstable.
So we gonna have to help Laredo guide it in and use Roman Candles
for visual conformation.
Alright, dinners at seven. Well, he's outside.
But I digress, I was travelling westwards across the moor, just south
of Burgh Marsh in my wife's Morris Minor. The night was cool and at first,
I thought there was rain clouds scudding across the moor, but as I neared
the summit, I realised that it was smoke from a fire way out near the
As I turned onto Bishop Lane, I could see figures moving about and what
seemed like a large object circling above the fire.
I slowed the car down and winded down the window to get a better view.
That's when I saw the Ice Cream van,"Bonus, excellent."
It was poorly parked near the fire and I could see the garish markings along
it's flanks. A bearded man was shouting into the passenger side and he
seemed distressed at the hovering object. Shapes milled about the fire as
if in panic.
I must state that I have seen many pranks on the moors, students high on
Marijuana or cheap wine, pondering if they'll ever get a job or wondering whether
they should hit on their parents for one of those hippie-fur-lined coats.
The first one was the Cumbrian Spaceman, a simple ruse made by Frazier M. Keks,
back in the seventies.
From what I've overheard at a local pub, 'Keksi' a bad seed and head full of bad
wiring (I like him already) was having, shall we say, a relationship with Bob
Holness's wife Moira.
One afternoon, Bob came back for a pee to his farm early, after checking on
his short horns and by a stroke of luck on Frazier's part, Bob came in the back
door as Frazier fled from the front. Up here, we call it Dutch-door-action.
In merely his all-one- underwear, he'd made for his BSA motorcycle, put on
his white crash helmet and prepared to make an hasty departure.
Like Meatloaf, he revved the engine hot, thinking about the wimp-cop in
Bob had let him have both barrels of his 12 gauge and Frazier had decided
to 'leg it' across the moor after seeing the headlight and most of his dials
explode on his bike.
Needless to say and any UFO buff wil bare witness, a strange helmeted figure
was photographed by a visitor to Burgh Marsh and the rest is history.
Anyway, at the time of the sighting there seemed to be some commotion...
I just am unable to describe - a flash of light or smoke or something which
caused me to feel that something out of the ordinary had occurred there on
I saw a man, not the bearded guy, fire some sort of liquid towards the supposed
hovering craft, he was aiming a strange device and screaming with rage.
Next to him I could see a young man in a leather jacket holding an ice cream, in
the flickering light, I saw that he treated himself to 12 Monkey's Blood.
Then a flash of light and the green beam from the craft seemed to make
everyone turn to stone. I stood and watched the scene, guessing that I was
supposed to see all this and report it as a witness to you guys.
Then I saw the strangest sight of the evening, a man dressed as a woman
floating up towards the craft, he was trying to hook a stick he held to the side
window of the Ice Cream van, but to no avail.
A woman appeared and attempted to grab at his torn dress, in a shrill voice,
I heard her say "Getta way from her you bitch!", but the ship still took him.
I trotted across the heather, brandy glass in hand and ignoring the high jinx, I
aimed for the Ice Cream van and tapped the bearded man on the shoulder.
I supposed he was was the leader of this troupe and therefore it was him I asked
"do you have any brown M & M's? because Ozzy won't go stage without 'em"
The Sean Connery look-a-like stopped his ranting at the passenger and stared
blankly at me. I smiled curtly and glancing at his shoes, I made my way to the
rear of the van.
Near the shelf with what seemed melted Snicker bars, several packets of M & M's
sat forgotten and squashed. I took them and as I was jamming them into my
farmer-style tweed jacket, I saw the passenger in the front of the van look around
and smile at me. He closed one eye and said "Camera One" and then quickly winked
to the other eye and said with a broad beam "Camera Two".
He repeated this several times before he continued with his digging.
The passenger side was full of debris, that were strewn about as if
the van had done a Crazy Ivan and the stranger was trying to dig his way out.
In a harrased tone he said "you wanna come down and chum some of this sh*t"
With that I left, the scene outside had changed, the craft (if that was what it was)
had rotating lights now and the man in the dress had disappeared.
The woman stood, hands on hips, staring at the closing maw of the hovering ship
and the guy with in the stained vest had moved away and was doing something oddly
with a badly dented weed-killer sprayer.
I double glanced as I saw him urinating into it, the thundering sound becoming quieter
as the tank filled. " Is there anything I can do?.. I kinda feel like a fifth wheel around here"
I asked him. As he trickled to a finish, he hissed over his shoulder "I dunno, is there
anything you can do?"
Then a mechanical sound was heard from above, the leather-jacketed kid had reappeared,
ice cream on his lips and the bare cone in his hands and stood along side the older guy.
I turned to see what was happening and at the same time, I could hear the p*ss tank
The spaceship's pod-bay doors had opened and a blinding white light shone through.
We all stood and waited.
With the same sound that a heifer makes has it's new-born calf drops to the
ground, a shape fell from the spaceship. With a sickening thud and a "oof yer bugger!"
a naked man hit the gorse and rolled near to the fire. We all stumbled closer and looked
down on the moaning form.
It was Frazier, he was alive... they hit with five shots and he's still alive, well that's
bad news for me and bad news for... sorry.
I can remember Frazier looking around, lost and frightened, the way he did when Bob
was chasing him all those years ago.
The woman leaned towards a large packing case, rummaged and tossed a length of
rubber hose to one side, this causing the bearded guy to flush and whisper
"Pyscho hose bitch".She went to Frazier and helped him into a dressing gown that
had seen better days. Frazier stood up and reaching for a rather fetching silk cravat,
he smiled at me. "Ya' all know me?... know what I do for a livin" he said, his voice
hoarse and slow, Yet he'd dressed quickly, as if Bob was still on his heels.
Before I could reply, the crew-cut man with the p*ss-tank suddenly stepped forward and
sprayed 'Keksi' with slash. The force was surpising, Frazier twisted and turned to avoid
the gushing, but it was obvious that this guy had done this before.
Through the loud cacophony of the liquid, I could hear the man saying "check those corners,
check those corners".
Frazier ran off. One minute he was screaming within a hail of urine and the next he was
thundering across the heather and into the night.
Even in the light of the dwindling fire I could see Frazier running with his eyes closed, an
old country trick to make you think you're running faster.
I looked back at the night sky, but the ship had gone. We were alone.
I offered the strangers an M & M from my glass and as the young man in the biker jacket
reached for a treat, he whispered "we better get back, cause it'll be dark soon, they
mostly come at night... mostly"
In a respected silence for the man in the dress, I watched the group pack their things
and climb into the Ice Cream van. The passenger window was wound down with a
a small squeaky sound and I heard the Sean-Connery double say to the man there,
"you always were an ass-hole Gorman" and with that, he dragged the packing case
around to the driver's side.
I jumped into my car and bumped off down towards the village, I thought I'd better
notify the police. But as I swerved into the village square, I had second thoughts,
I mean... there's been pranks going on up there on the moors for years, so maybe
I should just let it be.
So here I am, relating this tale to you guys and like I've said earlier, it was probably
just students playing around up there.
But sure enough, I got the M & M's and Ozzie went on stage and did a great show,
I almost remembered something else, but it's gone.