Originally posted by chris01621
You gave me a great idea for some thinking here.
*Instruction Manual Translator*
What do you think?
You just feed the page through the machine and it gives you a printout of what it could mean, cause no-one really knows, do they???
Hmmmmmm, an Instruction Manual Translator, eh? Now I'm gonna have to sit and do some thinkin' about that. Good thinkin' there Chris!
So I'm at work yesterday thinkin' about my never ending project. I didn't realize when I bought the Playset from Hell, that it would turn out to be
such an all encompassing "hobby". I was on the train coming back from New York and all I could think about was getting home to finish it. My cell
phone starts ringing and I pick it up "Hello, this is lombozo." A little voice on the other end of the phone says:
"Hi Daddy. Are you going to ever finish my swing set?" You could hear my wife coaching him. "I really want to swing, and use my sliding board."
"I'm going to try and finish it tonight buddy"
Again you could hear my wife coaching him in the background. "C'mon Daddy, you're taking so long. You're making me sad."
Hmmmm, I think I'm going to invite OJ Simpson out for a couple of beers so we can talk..........
"I'll be home soon Buddy, and I'll work on it right away."
"Hurry up Daddy, I love you"
"I love you too Buddy, goodbye"
So I get to the train station, and dash to my car. I'm gripping the wheel as I fight the traffic getting home. I finally pull into the driveway, and
my son is waiting at the front door for me. "C'mon Daddy, let's go!"
So I go up and change, and grab my tools. Oh my tools. I figured I would need a wrench, and a screw driver or two. Yeah, that's a good one. Yep, I
needed a wrench, in fact just about every freakin' sized wrench ever made. Screw drivers - yeah, flat head, & phillips head in a couple different
sizes. Clamps, levels, T-squares, protractor, allen wrenches, hammers, rubber mallets, drills with every single drill bit I own. Glue gun, chalk plumb
Oh yeah, did I mention the tape measure?
So I setup my outdoor workshop. I pull out those directions, which I am now convinced is an original copy of the Necronomicon.
OK - here we go.
"STEP 666 - Spread the canopy out on a flat surface. Using the six 48-1/8" metal poles, insert them into the pockets on the tarp. Make sure that the
poles which have the 30 degree ends are in the outermost pockets. The poles with the 40 degree ends are in the center pockets, and the poles with the
straight ends are in the innermost pockets. Take the two 12-3/4" poles, and sandwich the ends between the ends of the 30 degree, and 40 degree poles.
Put the straight end on the inside and attach all pieces together using one 3" machine screw, and 2 lock washers. See diagram"
WTF! Jeezus, what in the hell does all this mean? Oh Yeah, that diagram is sooooo freakin' helpful. Did Joseph Mengele write this?
So I insert the poles into the pockets. I try to "sandwich all the ends together", and align the holes so I can attach them all together with that
machine screw. Man this isn't lining up at all. The fabric is stretching like a drum. Almost there, almost there, the holes are getting closer......
Suddenly I hear: "Make sure that you don't rip that awning! It looks like it's going to rip. Be careful!"
Oh OJ, if you're out there, a surf and turf dinner is on me my poor misunderstood friend.......
Closer...... There! The machine screw is in - now let me put the nut on. Dammit! I forgot to put the dog gone lock washer on. Hmmmm....how imortant is
that tiny little washer anyway? Nah, it's for my son, don't take any shortcuts. Great freakin' time for my morals to kick in.......
So I finally get that freakin' awning done. (There's 2 hours I'll never get back). And I mount it on the fort. Yep, that actually looks pretty
good. So now I finish another couple of pages of directions. Jeezus, this thing is just a playhouse isn't it? I mean c'mon, this thing has amenities
that my house doesn't have!
So now I'm to the point that I can actually hand up the 2 swings and the glider. Hallelujah, Lord maybe I won't be coming home to see you today
So I hang the 2 swings - they're the kind that are soft rubber belts, so when you sit on them they conform to your butt. I'm assembling the glider -
yes I had to assemble that too. By now I bet that Bob Villa would have thrown in the towel. I'm finished assembling the glider and start to hang it
up, when the dog comes running over and bites one of the belt swings, puncturing it badly - it's ruined.
That damn dog! You know my neighbors down the street own a chinese restaurant, Hmmmmmm........ I wonder?
Now I have to assemble a flowerbox. A flower box? WTF? My son doesn't need no stinkin' flower box!
"Don't let the dog bite the swings! Why did you let him do that? And where's the flower box?"
I wonder if I can Google up OJ's email address?
So now it's time for the sliding board! Damn! I'm almost done! So I assemble that sliding board and am getting ready to mount it.
"STEP 937: Prepare four 8 inch deep holes. The holes should have a circumference of 5 inches. Assemble the remaining rails in descending order to act
as support tressles for the sliding board. Fill holes with cement. Cement should be level with the surface. When concrete is dry, mount the tressles
to the top of the concrete. Do not pour the concrete around the wood as this will promote rotting of the wood. It is recommended that you predrill
holes in the concrete with a masonary bit before trying to screw the tressles to the cement."
Recommend pre drilling the concrete. Wow! Pure genius! I never would have thought of that!
I hope the company that manufactures this playset goes out of business.......
I need cement....... Oh c'mon........ You gotta be freakin' kidding me.
It's 11:00 at night......... I can't believe I can't finish this tonight........
I need a beer.