The Perfect Laser Ray!!!!!

So I'm sittin' here doin' some thinkin'. I was watchin' a TV show that was talkin' about how the government was buildin' this really fancy laser beam that would make people poop themselves.
So I says to myself, Self? What could you do with one of those poop rays?

Hmmmmm...........

That could have some useful applications and stuff.....

Like I could use one of those beams after I eat too much cheese.

Or like if it's really freezin' outside and your puppy is takin' forever to figure out the exact perfect place to poop, just aim the beam at that puppy and stuff, and you'll be inside in no time! I bet that puppy would be so surprised!

Or like if you're loser brother in law is flirtin' with another girl at the bar after he drinks too much, you could point "old poopy" at him, and I bet his flirtin' is gonna stop!

Man I want one of those poop rays!