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More Jokes...

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posted on Dec, 4 2003 @ 08:58 AM
Florida Beach

Goldie, a recently widowed lady, was sitting on a Florida beach near Venice. She looked up and noticed that an elderly gentleman had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes," he answered, continuing to read.
Goldie persisted. "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, he threw his book down, jumped off his blanket on to hers, tore off both their swimsuits, and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

posted on Dec, 4 2003 @ 09:01 AM
At a Bistro

A woman is approaching a very small Bistro. She calls the barkeeper and when he is standing in front of her she asks him in a very seductive way to come nearer. Then she bends over the desk and starts to carress his beard. "Are you the boss of this Bistro?" she asks and touches tenderly his cheek.
"Ehhh. No. Not at all!" the barkeeper replies.
"Would you please call him here?" the lady asks and gently touches his hair.
"Oh, I'm very sorry. But no. Impossible!" the barkeeper sighs who has - no doubt - fun with this situation.
"Would you then please do me a great favour?" the lady asks and follows gently the line of his lips.
"Of course. What ever you wish!" the barkeeper moans.
"I want to leave a message for the boss!" she says and let first one - then two - fingers slip into his mouth which he gently sucks on.
"What message?" the barkeeper asks with the two fingers in his mouth.
"Please tell him that there is no paper, nor soap, nor towel on the lady's toilet!"

posted on Dec, 4 2003 @ 09:03 AM
Bad news, Good news

President George W. Bush was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon. "Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news."
"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."
"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."
"Gosh, and the good news?"
"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."

posted on Dec, 4 2003 @ 09:05 AM
Pretty Roommate

Mum comes to visit her son for 3 days in London where he is studying. She finds out that her son lives with Vicki, a young female roommate. Mum couldn't help but notice how pretty her son's roommate was. She suspects a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Reading his mum's thoughts, the son volunteered... "Mum, I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vicki and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Vicki came to the son saying... "Ever since your mother left, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you left and went back home. Your loving Son."
Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Vicki, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Gotcha!".

posted on Dec, 4 2003 @ 09:06 AM
Takes One To Know One

Sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Joe said to a fellow club member, "I'm not about to play golf with Jim Walsh anymore."
"Why not?"
"Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green."
"That's possible."
"Not when I had the ball in my pocket!"

posted on Dec, 4 2003 @ 09:07 AM
Help Wanted

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

posted on Dec, 4 2003 @ 09:35 AM
Those are great, hehe... I especially love the one with Katz....

posted on Dec, 4 2003 @ 12:50 PM
i like help wanted that was a good one

posted on Dec, 6 2003 @ 03:55 AM
Girl:How much is a soft drink?

Waitress:Fifty Cents

Girl:How much is a refill?

Waitress:The first is free

Girl:Well then,i'll have a refill.

:bnghd: Dumb joke hey?

posted on Mar, 21 2004 @ 12:01 PM

Originally posted by drunk
Girl:How much is a soft drink?

Waitress:Fifty Cents

Girl:How much is a refill?

Waitress:The first is free

Girl:Well then,i'll have a refill.

:bnghd: Dumb joke hey?

that made no sense what so ever. that is dumb

posted on Mar, 21 2004 @ 12:07 PM
The jokes were very funny! I was laughing alot. Very funny.

posted on Mar, 27 2004 @ 10:10 PM
A blonde, Brunet, and a redhead... A blonde brunete, and a redhead go into a bank, hand a note to the teller and it reads as follows "give us all the money in the safe or we will blow your head off"
replies the teller. then an alarm goes off, the three crooks break out in full sprint into an alley. followed by the cops who just pulled up, the brunete jumps in a trash can, the redhead into a trash dumpster, and the blonde into a sack of potatos. The cops kick the trash can, the brunete says rustle rustle to sound like leaves, (like there are a lot of leaves in an alley) then the cops move on and find the dumpster, kick it and the redhead says "meow" so the cops move on. they come to the potato sack. they kick it and the blonde says "potato potato

posted on Mar, 27 2004 @ 10:25 PM
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair
on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look,"
she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I
smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also
drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never
exercise!" "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are
you?' He thought for a moment, and replied, "Twenty-six."

posted on Mar, 27 2004 @ 10:29 PM
A gay man was in the bathroom rubbing vaseline all over his chest becuase the newspaper said that it helps grow hair. His partner comes in and ask, "Why are you rubbing vaseline all over your chest?" He replied, "The newspaper said it would help grow hair." His partner laughs and says "Then you should have a ponytail growing out your ass."

posted on Mar, 27 2004 @ 11:03 PM
hahhahaa they are all good.

Heres one my uncle told me,

Elmer and Beth went to a carnival and Elmer noticed a new ride, it was a plane that did loops and all that other crazy junk and Elmer says to Beth "Beth i was never in all my life on a plane and im an old man now"
Beth looks at the sign that says "Ride $10.00" and Beth goes "Emer thats too much 10 dollers is 10 dollers" so Next Month they come back and Elmer goes "Beth i have my own 10 dollers and im going on that ride!" and Beth argues with him 10 dollers is 10 dollers!!! and the ride owner hears them and says " Hey you two hows about i let you both on for free but when you get up there you cant say a word not even one! so Elmer and Beth agreed to go on. They both get into the plane and the man does flips turns a whole bunch of wacky crazy moves trying to get them to say something but nothing was said so the guy tells Elmer "Elmer i worked here for 35 years and not no one ever say a word on my ride" and Elmer says "well i was this -- close to saying something" and the man goes "and what was that" Elmer replys "I was gonna tell you when Beth fell out but 10 dollers is 10 dollers" lol hope you guys like that one!

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