Let's talk about the opposite of love

Hate is not the opposite of love. Hate is a strong emotion. Indifference is the opposite of love. Just not caring at all.

So. How does one go about getting that wonderful 'I don't care' atitude going on?

I have a few things I do to work on it... what do you guys and gals do to stop the flame when it has burn you too many times?

I actually believe that fear is the opposite of love. Fear can cause us to do hateful and unloving things and fear can keep us from experiencing love and trust.

That's my humble opinion anyways.

What I did was start going out on my own some while still "together". I got used to doing a few small things on alone and realized how better I could feel when the "burden of home" wasn't gnawing at my mind. Eventually I had better motivation to "no longer care" about the relationship, and ended it. It sucks though. I think that's what you were asking, hopefully I understood ya right.

Originally posted by AngelaLadyS
Hate is not the opposite of love. Hate is a strong emotion. Indifference is the opposite of love. Just not caring at all.

So. How does one go about getting that wonderful 'I don't care' atitude going on?

I have a few things I do to work on it... what do you guys and gals do to stop the flame when it has burn you too many times?

I can identify with this Angela

There is one gal in particular that I love very much,

But all the years I've known her she has been seeing other men besides me

And although sometimes she claims to love me, but it's like, yeah right! Three years of this crap and still not even a phone call on the weekend?! But it's ME you really love?!?! Come on!!!

I don't know.... How to become indifferent about it? I don't think I'll ever be able to be truly indifferent about it (or, she won't ever let me be truly indifferent), but, life goes on.... she evidently parties with whoever she feels like so I just do the same.

Maybe one day she'll come to her senses and spare me some of her precious time.... who knows....

[edit on 22-8-2006 by sanctum]

well..being as im engaged now i dont have to travel down that train of thought but in the past.....

i genuinley didnt care? "hey your nice! can i slip you a 'crippler'?'

NO! = ok, bye......'hey can i slip you a 'crippler'?'

YES! = ok hot stuff, lets get busy!

theres such a wealth of people that you are compatable with that i never saw the point of caring about the pain of love?

have i understood you right?

Originally posted by snowflake_obsidian
I actually believe that fear is the opposite of love. Fear can cause us to do hateful and unloving things and fear can keep us from experiencing love and trust.

That's my humble opinion anyways.

That's a good point. Fear can keep us from love, and it can also force us into remaining in a state we make ourselves believe is love.

Originally posted by niteboy82
What I did was start going out on my own some while still "together". I got used to doing a few small things on alone and realized how better I could feel when the "burden of home" wasn't gnawing at my mind. Eventually I had better motivation to "no longer care" about the relationship, and ended it. It sucks though. I think that's what you were asking, hopefully I understood ya right.

Yep yep yep. I'm right there with that. I'm divorced (for 3 weeks now) and still living here with him. I'm trying real hard to see him as a room mate, not care about what he does etc. It's hard, but I'm trying to do the same thing you did.

Well MillerMan,
I seem to be very compatable with everyone I meat. And they are are wonderful each in their own way. I can get along with and enjoy the company of pretty much anyone I run into. But when it comes down to it... and time is dragging along... and the other person wants to continue what they call "In love"... then the problems begin.

Falling in love is easy. Having people fall in love with me is easy. Breaking up is hard to do. I don't like to hurt anyone... and it's not that I don't want that person... but when something isn't good for you - you have to let it go.

Indifference is a wonderful thing. It is a state of cool, calm, unemotional zen and when in that state, only then you can truly live.

Did you know that the brain reactions and chemicals released when one is in love is indistinguishable from a mind that is neurotic or manic?

Goes to show you it is not a natural, healthy state of being.

Originally posted by AngelaLadyS
Well MillerMan,
I seem to be very compatable with everyone I meat. And they are are wonderful each in their own way. I can get along with and enjoy the company of pretty much anyone I run into. But when it comes down to it... and time is dragging along... and the other person wants to continue what they call "In love"... then the problems begin.

Falling in love is easy. Having people fall in love with me is easy. Breaking up is hard to do. I don't like to hurt anyone... and it's not that I don't want that person... but when something isn't good for you - you have to let it go.

Yes I have been there

When you love and care about someone but all they do is hurt you and hurt you and hurt you and hurt you.... when they won't do anything you want them to do, and they KEEP doing things that they KNOW you hate....

I have told women flat out "I love you but all you ever do is hurt me, so, BUHBYE!!"

Unfortunately some of them don't give up that easily!! And those are the ones you really have to walk on eggshells with!! ;-)

Yep - exactly. Which is what this thread was supose to be about. When you love someone but you need to let it go -

Originally posted by AngelaLadyS
I seem to be very compatable with everyone I meat.

That's certainly...encouraging(?)

I think you were correct in your first post. Indifference is the opposite of love. How do you go from love to indifference? I don't think there's any way for that to happen. If ever really truly was love, you'll never get to complete indifference. Going from love to hate is much more likely, although I'm certainly not advocating it. But I don't think you can control it.

It's a time thing. The pain of lost love just takes time to heal. Your best remediation may be to just redirect your attention and energy elsewhere with enough focus to become immersed.

Here's another book recommendation -

Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience. A good read and likely available at your local library.

Good luck.

Originally posted by AngelaLadyS
Yep - exactly. Which is what this thread was supose to be about. When you love someone but you need to let it go -

Yes Angela but I guess you missed my comment/question - what do I do when someone WON'T LET ME let it go? When she strings me along and strings me along indefinitely? When she keeps doing these sweet little things to make me think there's still a chance at reconciliation - and then she won't let me see her? When I tell her to stop and go away and find someone else and be happy and she won't do THAT either???

Seriously, this is an exceptionally sick and cruel thing for a woman to do! This is not love this is OBSESSION.

How can I make her see that? Ideas.....?

It's definetly one thing to fall in love, but a completely different thing to make it last. I've been very unlucky to fall for someone who used me for her own twisted ends. No matter how hard I tried to hate her, I couldn't. Despite everything she said, and the deplorable and deceitful way she did it, I couldn't bring myself to hate her. She wanted to make up after the whole thing, but I wasn't having any of that.

You can't be friends with someone you once had feelings for, because it's just gonna start again, except you'll feel worthless and feel even more stupid in thinking you had a chance. After all that bs, I get a girlfriend who loves me strong, but thanks to the stupid pantomine, I can't share my feelings. Not that I shared them often, but now it's alot harder and my girl thinks I'm cold and distant, since I refuse to talk about me. She'll break up with me no doubt. Not that I'd blame her. She'd be completely right in looking for someone else who is in touch with their "feelings", who are open about their past, who can love back.

I'm not even sure what is the worse emotion. Love screws up the works, that's true but indifference can be just as bad or even worse. For me, it's just numbness. I feel completely numb from everything, because of this. So I guess, if you're looking to gain this "indifference" thing, then you've got to get emotionally hurt so bad, that you'll probebly be reciting this to a psycologist when you hit 57. I doubt I'll live that long, so no worries for me.
I guess if you close off your heart, then you won't get hurt. But if you can't even feel, then what's it worth?

Well Millerman,
The main thing is YOUR feelings and health. You can't change her or her games, but you can take control of yourself and stop allowing her to play with and hurt you. Now some suggestions.
First you have to decide your done.
Then, make your point (specific and detailed) known to her. Letter, phone, in person - however it is you do it, make sure she does understand that it's over, your done playing this game, your through, there is no chance of anything every happening again.
You have to decide what you 'lines' will be. You need to tell her what those 'lines' are. Maybe it means she isn't to call you or come over any more. Maybe you can handle a friendly conversation if you happen to meat in the store, maybe you can't. Whatever it is that she is doing that makes you feel this way - tell her specificaly what they are and tell her she's done.

Then it's up to you to put her out of your mind. If she crosses those lines and calls you or writes you a letter... the letters go back 'return to sender' unopened. The phone calls go unanswered or you talk to her as you would a 4 year old. Stern and with few words... I told you not to call. It's over. Don't call me again.

Just like a small child or a new pet - training. Not on her part, but on your part. Train yourself to dissallow these things in your life.

Originally posted by AngelaLadyS
Well Millerman,
The main thing is YOUR feelings and health. You can't change her or her games, but you can take control of yourself and stop allowing her to play with and hurt you. Now some suggestions.
First you have to decide your done.
Then, make your point (specific and detailed) known to her. Letter, phone, in person - however it is you do it, make sure she does understand that it's over, your done playing this game, your through, there is no chance of anything every happening again.
You have to decide what you 'lines' will be. You need to tell her what those 'lines' are. Maybe it means she isn't to call you or come over any more. Maybe you can handle a friendly conversation if you happen to meat in the store, maybe you can't. Whatever it is that she is doing that makes you feel this way - tell her specificaly what they are and tell her she's done.

Then it's up to you to put her out of your mind. If she crosses those lines and calls you or writes you a letter... the letters go back 'return to sender' unopened. The phone calls go unanswered or you talk to her as you would a 4 year old. Stern and with few words... I told you not to call. It's over. Don't call me again.

Just like a small child or a new pet - training. Not on her part, but on your part. Train yourself to dissallow these things in your life.

Angela

You're exactly right and I have tried this exact approach. I have spelled out for her the things she does that I hate and want her to stop doing - and I have spelled out the things that I love about her and exactly what I expect from her.

The problem is - she doesn't listen to me at all and always does the OPPOSITE of what I tell her! So we end up in this neverending battle for control....

How to deal with such a person? When we can't work things out and be Happy together, I can't cut her out of my life completely (due to too many common interests, connections with friends etc), and, obviously, I can't kill her! (JUST JOKING OF COURSE)

Solutions??

You accomplish it by being necessarily cruel to them. You choose the method. Its up to you as to the method.

What you dont seem to fully realize is that they are being unecessarily cruel to you.!! They dont get it or dont want to get it. To understand this would be questioning thier value system. Obviously by what you posted she doesnt ever want to question her value system...she wants to play through at your expense like a default setting on this computer..it automatically goes there. A "Given".
You are telling me that you are not some womans "Givens." So conduct yourself as if you are dealing with a intruder..which is exactly what it is.

Its up to you to handle it even if it means cruelty. I wish it could be different but the facts you describe and the places I have been...it isnt different. These people just dont get it. You obviously have a value system in mind and are not intrested in substituting her value system for yours. That is entirely your buisness.
Just remember...we think it is impossible for women to be cruel..only men can be such..not hardly!! Women know better than this ..men are mostly dumb in this arena. As Ive said many times..what a dumb bunch of men out here.

Thanks,
Orangetom

Orangetom,


>You accomplish it by being necessarily cruel to them. You choose the method. Its up to you as to the method.


I don't want to be cruel to her! I've forgiven her.... but I guess she has not forgiven me....


>What you dont seem to fully realize is that they are being unecessarily cruel to you.!!

Yes,

>They dont get it or dont want to get it. To understand this would be questioning thier value system. Obviously by what you posted she doesnt ever want to question her value system...she wants to play through at your expense like a default setting on this computer..it automatically goes there. A "Given".
You are telling me that you are not some womans "Givens." So conduct yourself as if you are dealing with a intruder..which is exactly what it is.

Its up to you to handle it even if it means cruelty. I wish it could be different but the facts you describe and the places I have been...it isnt different. These people just dont get it. You obviously have a value system in mind and are not intrested in substituting her value system for yours. That is entirely your buisness.
>

Yes, I have my value system and she has hers, and they are close but not exactly the same, and we are in different places in life....

But it is OK for people to have differences and yet have a great love and respect and admiration for each other and create great joy

Take it from me, Son! ;-)

>Just remember...we think it is impossible for women to be cruel..only men can be such..not hardly!! Women know better than this ..men are mostly dumb in this >arena. As Ive said many times..what a dumb bunch of men out here.

WTH??? Orangetom? You sound more like a woman here than a man....???

Men are great! but also human and prone to fear and error....

Stand up and be proud, man!

the opposite of love is playing with your ding-a-ling

Forgiving her is fine..no problem with that concept.

I merely point out that you have value in this world...dont put yourself second place to her maneuverings. If it takes being "necessarily cruel" to get their attention so be it. This is something quite different from being "unecessarily cruel."
I merely post this concept for your benifit since I perceive that you are not intrested in this as a career in dealing with this woman or her drama.


You dont let someone put you on thier string constantly with cheap pubescent maneuverings.

Obviously the difference in your value systems are considerable in the areas that count to you. This is what I mean by second place.

I have had experiences very similar to what you post and I jerked them up short and quickly. I have no time or patience with this kind of maneuverings when I put forth first fruits. Its up to you ..if you are satisfied with these results.

agree we are prone to human error...and fear. This is how we often learn..by such trial and error.

Thanks,
Orangetom