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2nd attempt ... revised, with a Plot !

page: 1

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posted on Oct, 8 2005 @ 08:28 PM
With unending gratitude and appreciation to Voidmaster, who responded to my first post in this section and suggested a plot (which I ‘tweeked’ beyond recognition) this is my next attempt to write. I have thick skin … all comments and suggestions are encouraged. How else can a person learn?

Such a good person ...

As Gizelle slipped quietly from bed, she glanced at the clock, 3 A.M., the perfect time to be with him. Closing the door gently she moved determinedly toward her secret rendezvous. “No one must know” she whispered to herself “they’d never understand how special her Dirk was.” She crept down the stairs and into the study while the whole house slept. Anticipating all that was coming she smiled feeling just a little guilty but not enough to turn back. She had been meeting him like this for several months in the early hours of the morning. Tonight moonlight and gentle breezes were coming though the open window caressing her feverish body and blowing tendrils of her wispy auburn hair onto her face. She was learning so much from her Dirk. She loved calling him that; everyone else called him CD, his member name was Celtic Dirk and he had even used a picture of one as his avatar. She treasured every moment with this new love. Each time was different; he spoke of so many things. She was getting better at knowing just what to do, what moves to make to get where she so wanted to go on-line; she had to hurry; she needed to chat with him again. She had never seen his face, never heard his voice but didn’t really need to. What she liked the most were the words … sometimes seeming abrupt and choppy, sometimes flowing with the perfect cadence of love and knowledge …but always, always new to her. She had checked his profile but there was nothing else there just what everyone else knew and that wasn’t much. The one time she had dared to post he wouldn’t tell her anything else but she knew it was because then others could have read it … he was special and not everyone appreciated it.

Drawing her chair closer and leaning toward the screen she reached for the keyboard and this new night began. She opened the thread and found her Dirk waiting for her. Touching and stroking the keys, she imagined how smooth his hands were and how the bristles of his day old beard would feel on her skin.

It was frustrating to find that ‘SoSad’ was on the chat tread too. ‘SoSad’ always rambled on and on and on. This was their time together, her’s and Dirk’s, she didn’t like it when people interrupted and told him he was WRONG. Who were they to ridicule and laugh at what he said. She was the only one who truly understood and Dirk understood that, too.
Dirk was talking about the meeting he had just returned from. Gizelle was so proud of him. He had only been a member for a few months before being elected Councilor and now he was asked to consider becoming a Moderator, that’s what the meeting was all about. The Supreme One understood how valuable Dirk was to this community and that he needed Dirk’s help. They had needed Dirk’s opinions on the changes that should be made and Dirk’s ideas for new topics
---WHAT?? What? NO! He couldn’t have refused. What was he saying?

CD … “They expect a lot … I just can’t join in with their plans. No, I can’t say anymore. Their ideas stretched too far out for me to totally comprehend in one meeting.”

---FAR OUT?? Far out? As in … space/far out? What was he saying? One of his favorite threads was Alien/UFO. That must be what it was. Dirk is a good person, so kind and caring … and smart.
He always said that aliens were here on earth maybe they really are! I wonder what they look like.

Releasing the breath she didn’t know she’d been holding, Gizelle thought “OH! I wish ‘SoSad’ would quit interrupting. How am I ever going to find out … oh, yes, there it is.”

CD … “They were nothing like I thought they would be … just ordinary people with extraordinary minds. They’ve really given a lot of thought to their long term plans on how far this can go. Everyone agrees the members will follow them in this. I’m sorry I won’t able to work with them but I can’t. My time is limited … I had to tell them no.”

Gizelle was so excited she felt her body begin to tremble. She had always been able to understand the REAL meaning of Dirk’s posts but did she understand what he was saying now? He had posted before about NWO and how he thought it was wrong … is this he was talking about now? And they looked like ordinary people? Have the aliens taken over the bodies of humans? If they can do that then can they take over the minds too? Yes, that was it; when Dirk went to the meeting the aliens wanted him to let them use his body and his incredible mind so they could rule the world like they wanted and he refused! How brave he was ... even when he knew they were all powerful he refused. He understood they could never let him live and still know all their plans; he even admits his time is limited. How unselfish … how brave …

Gizelle yawned. Dirk had said good night to her even though he pretended it was to ‘SoSad’. He’d said he was leaving tomorrow to deliver supplies to the storm victims and wouldn’t be back until Saturday so she might as well sleep now and join him in their dreams.

SATURDAY, 3 A.M.!!! Finally, once again, it was their time. Almost there … almost to their chat page … Before she is even conscious of what is before her, her fingers stop moving. She gazes blankly at the subject line of a new thread and knows an unbearable sadness even before clicking on


Please join me in mourning the newest member of our moderator family, Celtic Dirk, who was killed by a sniper yesterday while delivering supplies to the storm victims.
The Supreme One

A lone tear slips down Gizelle’s cheek. “How sad,” she thought to herself, “how utterly devastating it must have been for The Supreme One to have written that. Such a good person, so kind and caring to post that for everyone to know how special he thought Celtic Dirk was. I wonder if he has soft hands…….

[edit on 17-10-2005 by John bull 1]

posted on Oct, 17 2005 @ 06:45 AM
Hi reblazed

Apologies for not getting to you sooner. It has been one of those months. I hope you don't mind but I won't be doing an in depth analysis of your story but rather, I will highlight certain aspects of writing while going back and forth between your first and second drafts.

Voidmaster had a point in that your first attempt was interesting but didn't really go in a specific direction.

While you have addressed that in version 2.0, I feel that you have lost a little of the original flavour or the intent of the story in the original one.

Which brings me to my main point I want to address, the dreaded 'editing'.

*shakes head*

Editing is... how do I put this nicely - hmmm. Editing your own work is not a 'nice' experience. Yes, there are a few sadistic people out there that actually enjoy cutting up their own work and relish the activity like I relish cleaning out my garage. Then again there are people who enjoy having colonics. Same thing - almost.

Editing other people's work - not bad - challenging and gratifying to help someone else. Editing your own work - changing, removing, cutting or adding to your beloved 'baby' is HARD!

Done improperly, you can lose everything you were trying to say in the first place. I don't know how many times I've spent days fiddling around with a paragraph or a page and then changing everything and then back again and then on the floor in anguish at the monster I've created.

And guess what? It doesn't get better. What does get better is your own understanding of the writing process and the importance of version control and being kind to yourself when you are pruning.

In your case, while you have added names and some character motivation -it is my opinion that in your new version you are now telling us too much. I prefered when it was more subtle and mysterious. It had a bit more bite to it. I was drawn. With this one here, you did all the work for me and so I no longer had to do anything but read it. Call me difficult, but I like a little challenge. Makes me feel smart and as if the writer respects my intelligence.

Saying all that, do NOT panic. What you have written here is what we like to call 'back story'. A file (s) of info on your character and for your eyes only. This thing is sometimes bigger than the story itself and contains all the things you wrote toward the story but not necessarily IN the story.

Writers - those egotistical sorts, are keen never to lose ANY writing if they can help it, so anything that doesn't get added into the story, goes into this large and ever growing file that is really quite helpful when you need to know the motivations or the 'background' of your character.

There is a saying which goes along the lines of, if YOU know who your characters are and where they are going, then you are alllowed to remain silent and not tell us a thing. We may NEVER see those characteristics but YOU know and that is all that counts. It will be translated in the writing. When you don't know and you are just writing and writing, hoping against hope that some direction will become clear to you, we CAN tell.

Yep, we can. It is helpful therefore, to have a list or a page of things you know about the character. You can still offer your reader only 1 or 2 lines, but boy those lines will transmit to us everything we need to know.

It is an issue of confidence and authorial ownership. Like showing us your good hands and being adept at it. And this develops with time and lots of effort.

So my suggestion - and you don't have to take it - is to look over the first piece you did again - pinpoint what you liked, use your OWN criteria regarding what YOU like and what you want to say.

I think you had some nice bits, work on strengthening them up. As Voidmaster suggested, make it go somewhere - it doesn't have to be extremely obvious, it doesn't have to be predictable, have fun thinking of where it could lead. Have different versions and see which one you like.

And take this redraft - 2nd attempt - and use it as your background notes. Now you know her name is Gizelle - do we really need to know? If it helps tell us, if not keep it hidden. Same for 'Dirk'. I think 2.0 lost a little by explaining too much.

Anyway - I hope this gives you something to think about. Please feel free to let me know if you agree or disagree or whether you need further explanation on anything I have said. I hope this wasn't too painful.

ps: I have absolute drawers full of stuff that never got off the ground and then I put them away for a while and they STILL didn't go anywhere. I like to use the concepts I really like in other things later on; so just keep that in mind if you aren't happy with how it is working out.

Also ultimately this is YOUR piece. Even if no one agrees with you and you like it, you should take pride in the fact that it is something crafted by you. That is always a great feeling.

Good luck with the writing and it is really great that you are willing to struggle with your work.

posted on Oct, 17 2005 @ 08:01 PM
Thanks nickelbee. I, too, liked the first version better but didn't take the time to give it any depth. Then when the suggestion came to give it a plot I thought the one in the first version was way too subtle. I think you're absolutely correct in it was (is) my 'baby". But, as with all children, a parent has to attempt to teach, nurish and mold to bring them to the best that they can be.

It's now time to do that with this first 'baby' of mine. Being that it's the first it'll take more time and effort. Hopefully the second (when it comes to me) will benefit from the lessons I learned on the first. I can't say I'm crazy about your comment that "It doesn't get better".

As for your comments being too painful ... I thought they were extremely soft. You have a marvelous way of getting your point across with a smile. Now THAT takes talent and is a wonderful way to teach also.

I had no idea that writing a short story was so complicated !! But I am determined to get at least one done to the point of being the best that it can be.

My only other comment is:

Poetry is soooo much easier !!!

Thanks again ... When I get pieces of ver 2.0 integrated with the first ... and add 3.0 ... I hope you'll be willing to edit again.


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