Grief and Absence

Absence

Ab-away
sense
“c. 1400, "the faculty of perception;" from Old French sens "one of the five senses; meaning; wit, understanding" (12c.) and directly from Latin sensus "perception, feeling, undertaking, meaning," from sentire "perceive, feel, know."
(www.etymonline.com...)

The word itself means away from perception, so how exactly does one go about feeling the absence of a loved one? No wonder numbness is one of the predominant feelings associated with grief. When all that exists of a person is in memories and scattered among various keepsakes, personal effects, photographs or video clips, letters, ashes and dust, how does one keep hold of their loved one?
This sculpture by Albert György has touched people worldwide in the midst of grief, and is a perfect depiction of absence.


Early this year I lost one of my closest relatives, who has played such a large role and shaped so much in my life, and I’m most surprised by the lack of feeling. Yes, I’ve felt bursts of anger due to a number of reasons, and I’ve had one day in which I was finally able to mourn the awful truth--both the horror she went through daily for 14 months and the reality of what gone means. But the overall feeling is emptiness, numbness, similar to the image above.

On the edges of my mind I’m seeing my parents’ frail condition and the tenuous hold we all have on life here, regardless of our physical condition or age, and that numb internal void widens.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve sought out accounts and texts detailing beliefs and signs of life after death, and have faith in the notion of our individual consciousness continuing on in a more blissful existence in the presence of God, yet loss is still almost unbearable and terrifying. It’s hard to look around at everyone and everything one adores and know that it and we will all one day be absent. Away from all senses, unreachable and unknowable.

a reply to: zosimov
Since the pandemic we have lost so many friends I cannot believe it, and we are not that old. I have heard of more deaths in the last two years than in the decade before, unbelievable.
And since my husband just had serious groin artery bypass surgery one month ago, what you are saying really hit home with me - any of us can be gone in an instant, just like that.
They say that a funeral service is not for the departed, but for those who are left grieving.

I was that way when I was young.

Growing old let’s those feelings in.

Nothing wrong with you.

It took a lot of years, but I have made peace with death. Each one has expanded my knowledge base and formed my beliefs.

I will live on until the world ceases to exist, through the DNA of my children and down the line and also through the shared memories and traits.

Nobody will remember why they have a quirky way of doing some things, or where the 'the Nugget look' originated from, but it will still be there 20 generations from now-and so will I.

As I get older, when I think about those I was close to, that I've lost, I think about seeing them again soon.
Just imagine, while we have years and years without them sometimes, to them it is just a blink of an eye.

I worry more, about how I will go, and my children and grandchildren going through that pain.

Missing the people you care about is hard, but honestly, I still talk to them.
Maybe they hear me, maybe they don't. But it makes me feel better.

I'm not at all surprised, but very grateful for, the insightful and comforting comments so far on this thread. I'm glad I posted--was waffling due to its dark nature, and will be able to respond more individually later.

Till then, thank you for the replies!

a reply to: zosimov

That sculpture is a great depiction of grief and absence. Art like that is rare.
Thanks for this thread.

a reply to: zosimov

Thank you for your compassionate and spiritually contemplative post, and for including Gyorgy's sculpture on the matter.

...

I am lost in thought. I'll make a blog, then.

As someone who has tried the futility of avoiding God, and a paranormal investigator as a favor to absolute strangers, I dare say that the only fear I have of "death" is not going out on my own terms LOL

a reply to: zosimov

Nature craves balance in all things. One extreme can not exist without a polar opposite. Light has no meaning in the absence of darkness. Good is nothing without evil. And so on.

A presence in our lives gives us the contrast of absence when it is removed. The more profound the presence, the more abject the absence. That leaves us two conditions. One in which we enjoyed that presence in our lives and now are forced to accept its absence. The other a life in which they were never present to begin with.

It is truly better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. It may not be easy, but it is better...

a reply to: zosimov

Hoping that your posting of this : helps you with your understanding of it.

Love the sculpture !!

The rigidity of the metallic lower half, versus the empty soul above.

Also the despair of the hanging head, and the wide-open mouth screaming.

Grieving seems to be in many diverse cultures, so just do it your way, and that is honorable.

a reply to: zosimov

The death of my parents was one of the biggest shocks, yet has comforted me in ways I could have never believed.

I truly truly believe in life (or something) after death now.
I’ve had too many undeniable signs, messages, dreams for me to have any doubt whatsoever.

Some of them are downright funny. My dad hated for me to be sad so he made sure to send funny messages. When I spoke to his sister she said he was such a jokester it didn’t surprise her at all. I’ve had several, unbelievable, crystal clear messages from my dad. My husband witnessed some of them. An item left in the middle of the garage floor after I cried about him, and things like that. My dad sent a message to my brother too, and my brother is the most non believing, scientific type of person.
My mom has only appeared in dreams, but she did leave me a flower. She loved moss roses, and while she was very very ill she saw me planting flowers, she asked if she could help. I gave her some of her favorites and she dug just a little. The flowers died in our cold winter and they don’t return without replanting……..yet in the crack of the sidewalk, there emerged a little flower that a seed must have scattered to.

What is weird is I got a message from my paternal grandmother that she wanted to be a singer and she communicated with me that she had been reincarnated into my niece.

Zos I hope your grief wanes just enough to receive some of these lovely messages and fills that void!

a reply to: zosimov

What I've found with grief is that once the intense first period has passed, it can return unexpectedly for short periods. It never seems to be completely over.

The statue is perfect. A huge hole in one's being sums up the sensation of grief and mourning.

Cheers

a reply to: RonnieJersey

Thanks for the comment. I'm sorry to hear you've lost so many friends recently, and that your husband has faced some scary health problems. You're right-these last few years have taken a heavier toll than I've previously seen.
I hope some of the comments in this thread speak to you as they have me.

a reply to: whyamIhere

This was really nice to read, and it rings true. I know so much of my perspective has changed as I age, and there's still so much to learn and time to develop. Thank you for reading and commenting.

a reply to: JAGStorm

Beautiful post, JAG. Thank you for reaching out and for sharing this. I got a very cool, personalized sign myself the morning my aunt passed on, and this is a good reminder of where to focus.


Thanks to everyone who responded. There is a lot of wisdom and kindness in this community.

a reply to: zosimov

Hey, Zos, I hope you don't mind a late reply. I had to think about how to put into words what I've learned and come to peace with -- emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. And this may just be my experience, but I'm happy to share if it helps.

Everyone grieves differently, and for each person we grieve, we grieve a little differently depending on the circumstances and our relationship with that person, and our current understanding of death.

Because we're not just coming to terms with the death of a loved one. We're also coming to terms with death itself. And to a greater or lesser extent, our own mortality. I think you are already aware of this from your own perspective.

In the initial phase of grief, all the negative emotions and thoughts are front and center. But life is for the living and as we let ourselves live again, we not only let ourselves heal, we find comfort in our memories. Especially when something reminds us of them, and the gifts -- the blessings -- they gave us in life.

It Happened recently for my daughter and I when she came upon some birds painted on glass tiles in a gate... totally something my mother would do. And in that moment we saw the tiles, we didn't just think of her, we felt her right there with us. We felt the same sense of love, happiness, fun, and lightheartedness that we always felt in her company.

We talked about how she encouraged and nurtured my love of nature, which helped me encourage and nurture my daughter's love of nature. My mom and I used to share nature "porn." Now my daughter and I share nature porn. We often think of my mom when we do. It's a tradition we cherish 🥰

And there are those times of wonder and awe -- too few and far between -- when we receive a sign that they are with us in spirit. Sometimes in big dramatic ways. Other times in quiet and subtle ways. But we know it... we feel it with our proverbial sixth sense of the intangible.

And I believe that my mom knows too, and that helps her spirit's growth and evolution in the beyond. Well, our beyond, but her present... her "here and now".

The same for everyone remembered and cherished and appreciated by the living.

And as painful as the process is, as we make peace with the deaths of our loved ones, it informs and expands our understanding of death itself and helps us accept death as a natural and necessary part of life and living.

Perhaps more specifically that death is a natural and necessary season in the cycle of life.

Okay. I'm done rambling now. I hope there's something of value in there for you.

Keep seeking and reflecting, Zos. You'll find your answers.

Big big hugs, my friend.

🍻

a reply to: zosimov
I should have checked in earlier but was not active on ATS other than lurking in the last weeks because of the move to our new home.

For me it's not a surprise you feel like that, this was on your mind for so long, cost you so much energy. You notice that, there's nothing wrong with you. I hope by now you feel a lot better and more comfortable.

Your thoughts are similar to mine when I look up into the sky, in a cold clear winter night. It's a wonder we exist in this cold universe. It reminds me how frail we all are but also gives me comfort. Comfort knowing that life is a cycle throughout and it would not be without an end. In my faith, winter represents death as you know.

Death is needed, it's as important than life. And every season has it's valuable lessons and parallels to our own life. What's important is the impact we leave on other people. Our bodies, we leave when it dies, but our energy will carry on. You know how powerful that energy can be, even though we never saw or touched.

The same is true for your case. Imagine she is still connected and would not want you to be sad. So smile that you had this person around in your life, be grateful (I know you are) and keep her in your heart, she will live on there, as long as you will breath yourself.

There's more than this 3D world and it gives me great comfort to know. Sending virtual hugs, big sis.