Knowing your partner's libido is important, is it a downside of waiting until marriage?

If you wait until marriage to have sex, you won't know if your partner has a low or high sex drive. What if you're both on opposite ends?

a reply to: dragonslayer83
And what if you're just not compatible?
Why wait?

a reply to: dragonslayer83

If you're asking yourself this now, you may also want to ask yourself what if the partner's libido level changes? Diminishes?

Illness, medical conditions, injuries, age, other stressors can all impact libido and ability. For either or both partners.

I have no answers for you (or anyone). I'm not sure how anyone really knows how they'll respond unless/until it happens.

Good luck!

The institution of marriage has been misrepresented us in media for decades now. It is not necessarily a reality that anyone wants to face in discussions like these.

When we say "marriage" we commonly think of something that is almost the opposite of what it originally meant.

When we see marriages represented to us now, we see hot-bodied sex, we hear dense soundtracks, we are provided with images that DON'T show devotion, don't demonstrate a "bond," and are more often than not - transient, passing, and devoid of commitment. We see glorified scenarios of temptations, disappointments, tragic dissolutions, even more often we see "regrets."

My opinion is that marriage is ... [please forgive the tone...I just reread this and found that my pejorative use of the word "you" might be interpreted as offensive... that is not how I meant it.]

There is no "convenience" in marriage, it is not a perpetual soft image of cooing at each other lovingly, nor is it a 'contract of social currency' meant to please the world around you, (it's not a thing that happens with a prenuptial agreement... if you can't be certain of each of your own commitments, you shouldn't be marrying. It isn't an extended date, and you can't just "pack up and leave.")

Marriage cannot be undertaken with a 'get out of jail free' mindset.

Marriage is a commitment... a life choice... the dedication of your life, time, and energy to being joined with another... not subject to conditions of materialism, sexual gratification, or even happiness. This is the very reason that it must be undertaken with complete sincerity and devotion... the kind of devotion only two people can share. Hence - love.

In marriage we strive to make each other happy, better, stronger... we offer each other peace, joy, comfort, and succor... and it's not 'negotiated,' it's not conditional, it is not 'subject to my wandering eyes,' it isn't a game of "do this, or I won't do that" or one of those "If you love me do this or that" things.

Marriage isn't a pool of water you can dip your toe in to see if it feels good.

"Marriage" means - from this point hence, we are as one person, there is no well-being for "me" ... there is only well-being for "us."

If you find you have unanticipated incompatibility; it is on you both to grow past it, to fight for it to dissipate, to reach a point that honors the marriage as the unbreakable bond you professed to and vowed for. It takes more than just "work" it takes personal growth... the willingness to accept that we must be prepared to "move the goalpost" - this person we love is now our spouse and our marriage comes first... it takes emotional determination... that is what the commitment is all about.

What society makes of marriage ISN'T marriage, what 'entertainment' makes of marriage ISN'T marriage, and I dare say that what 'religion' makes of marriage ISN'T marriage... it is a bond that transcends all things outside the marriage. When you find that person, make that commitment, and proceed to go forward in life together - it is TOGETHER... not each alone.

In all that I must finish by adding... the rewards are priceless, immutable, and life-affirming. Plus, if you do marry out of love, it becomes almost as easy as 1,2,3.

a reply to: Maxmars


Well said and something I wish people understood.

a reply to: dragonslayer83

I can tell you this much if you're in a relationship just for the sex it'll never last, my advice for you would be don't get married in the first place.

a reply to: Maxmars

Hear hear!

This is one question that bothered me for a while.

Then got one response for one of the girls back in those schools days. If it don't work out first time, just keep practicing.

I should of married her.

a reply to: Maxmars

I'm not married. I understand love. I never understood marriage.

I've been shocked by continually being hit on by married men. I understand being with one partner forever would be hard but it would be disgusting to me to be with a cheating partner and it makes the wife look pathetic, IMO.

Can you give me some insight on how love survives and the point of marriage with philandering (it is prevalent) other than external benefits like family, financial and not wanting to go it alone?

First off. There’s no such thing as a set libido. It’s up and down. It’s a complex thing. More or less from my 15 years of marriage I’ve determined that sex is a side effect of a happy healthy marriage. Not the other way around.

originally posted by: dragonslayer83
If you wait until marriage to have sex, you won't know if your partner has a low or high sex drive. What if you're both on opposite ends?

Maxmars hit on the most important elements definitely, but libido changes over the years for some people.

Hell, I was in lust with my first wife for a long time, for 6-7 years lusted hard but after a while when you married young your wants and need can drift, throw in life's challenges, then you can lose that one flimsy connection you once had.

Even though we grew to love each other better over the years, we really didn't have much more in common than we were once like rabbits for 4-5 years.

So definitely find someone you can be friends with and enjoy doing the same things, in addition to having really good sexual chemistry. BUT definitely makes sure you want to look at that person across from your bowl of Cheerios every morning for the rest of your life. Even on your worst days and their worst days too.

Hell, I knew the marriage was over when she said I needed to find some friends.

a reply to: dragonslayer83

Then you learn to deal with it because you married them and that's a life long commitment. If you can't deal with it then either don't wait or don't get married.

originally posted by: Infinitis
a reply to: dragonslayer83

Then you learn to deal with it because you married them and that's a life long commitment. If you can't deal with it then either don't wait or don't get married.

Thats the point though how does one know how your sex drive is gonna be when you have never driven that car LOL or any car?

I hadn't been with lots of women by the time I got married, but I'd been with enough to know who I preferred and who I didn't.

originally posted by: putnam6

originally posted by: Infinitis
a reply to: dragonslayer83

Then you learn to deal with it because you married them and that's a life long commitment. If you can't deal with it then either don't wait or don't get married.

Thats the point though how does one know how your sex drive is gonna be when you have never driven that car LOL or any car?

I hadn't been with lots of women by the time I got married, but I'd been with enough to know who I preferred and who I didn't.

A very immature way of looking at sex.

a reply to: Maxmars

What society makes of marriage ISN'T marriage, what 'entertainment' makes of marriage ISN'T marriage,

Isn’t that the truth!

There is a reason that a lot of arranged marriages lasted so long. They weren’t based on lust or libido.
They were based on compatibility like a business. They were based on long term outlook. They were based on personality and to add some woo woo in there, astrology compatibility.

I recently got a massage. My masseuse and I just clicked and were talking about life. She told me that her husband of over 20 years dumped her for a very young woman. I asked her, her year of birth and his. Not surprised at all that they were enemy signs.

originally posted by: snrb123

originally posted by: putnam6

originally posted by: Infinitis
a reply to: dragonslayer83

Then you learn to deal with it because you married them and that's a life long commitment. If you can't deal with it then either don't wait or don't get married.

Thats the point though how does one know how your sex drive is gonna be when you have never driven that car LOL or any car?

I hadn't been with lots of women by the time I got married, but I'd been with enough to know who I preferred and who I didn't.

A very immature way of looking at sex.

Immature to you, perhaps... for the record, I was 23 when I got married, so no doubt I had a 23-year-old man's perspective

but it also depends on your definition of immature #1

and

#2 even if it isn't just your definition, respectfully so what, I didn't force my 'immature way of looking at sex" on anybody else. Nor am I telling
you this is the best way LOL. It's just how I am wired, no doubt there are a few of my exes that would agree with you.

#3 sexual compatibility understanding is crucial in an LTR for me, but I completely understand there may be differing opinions. That happens after 40-
plus years of relationships and dating

I can't help but feel my answer was inappropriately severe, which just goes to show that I'm as human as the next person. Perhaps you'll allow me to explain in the way of an apology.

Since I was a very young, I have seen people treating sex in an evolving way... To give you some framework, I am an American, male, I spent my early years at the cusp of the 1960's in the northeast.

When I was young, like most of you, I wager, "sex" wasn't a fascinating mysterious subject, it was a boring, smarmy, lovey dovey crap that old people would stop talking about when kids entered the room... it was unimportant, irrelevant, and pretty stupid.

But because of the world around me, and the fact that television had become my de facto "on and off tutor and babysitter" I saw sex alluded to, shadowed, metaphorically represented, hinted at and occasionally exposed. But the indications I saw about sex stuff changed over the years, from separate beds for married couples, no pawing at each other with double-entendres and "waa chicka waa wahh" soundtracks... I saw people giddy with anticipation for their honey moon nights, and the idea of "our first time" evolved into receptions where people who slept with the bride or groom compare sexual notes.

Women have been indoctrinated to use their gender as a weapon, men to 'go sexually crazy' while uncommitted ... and ultimately now, that the marriage of two people is just a thing of social entertainment value, at best a status symbol... quaint... forgettable... irrelevant.

Before anyone gets the wrong idea... I was once there too. It's especially easy when "everybody's doing it." It's programming made manifest. And I am sure, if I toiled over the memories of my life, I am in one way or another guilty of every flaw I have pointed out. I won't bore you with a pathetic retelling of things in the past, etched in unchangeable stone... suffice to say, I am lucky enough to have gone through it, and I won't miss a chance to say something I have never had the chance to share before. You never know, it might reach someone at the right time... it might make a difference to someone other than me.

If you are thinking about marriage - CONTEXT is of paramount importance.

Are you thinking about marriage as a concept, the ideal which inspired an institution that has coexisted and evolved with literally ALL of humankind for millennia? If so, my earlier answer was out of place, I suppose.

Are you thinking of marriage as a form of contract, an agreement with two people who deeply respect and love each other? If so, again, my answer was out of place, I suppose.

For the former, I completely disregarded that this is not what you are interested in, and I apologize. For the latter, your connection will drive you to participate in marriage in good faith, and I didn't need to impose my opinions on your question. Once again, I apologize.

However, if you meant to simply state - I want to know if there will be "dissatisfaction or trouble in bed" ... then, my reaction was less over the top. I would stand by my assertions as stated above, explaining only that I want to get feedback to explain why anyone would come to the conclusion that sex must be "explored" as a determinant of "should we marry?"

Of all the challenges of marriage, sex - barring singular circumstances - should be explored and resolved between you. It must be done deliberately, with patience, caution, and love; as you would if it were supremely important to your partner, for whom there is nothing but joy in your heart. The magic comes with the passion of love, which renders sex into a minor detail. Sex is not a "toy" for playing with (pardon the dangling participle.)

Sexual activity is the single most personal - intimate - exploration any person can engage in. To make it a matter of "performance" or "quality" completely betrays the intimacy, the very fruit of the sex - basely turning it into an 'evaluative' exercise.

Take all your questions to their extreme... you'll will arrive at a place where you can answer the question with greater ease. I mean to encourage the idea that if you marry "sex," you will be married to it. And sex is just an expression, not the actual substance of love (which one would hope inspires marriage in the first place.) Marriage can be approached from many perspectives, but sex is a dead end... it's not infinite, it only becomes sad when that truth is finally faced.

People are people, as some have said. And they will do as they do, regardless of what anyone else might think. Once you have placed yourself in your life where sex is just a "fun thing to do," nothing anyone else thinks really holds sway. Have sex, don't have sex... whatever.

I will excuse myself one final time, by sharing that having lived within the world of 'sexual freedoms,' and witnessed the increasing damage it has done, and is doing... all I can ask is please... please, don't confuse marriage as less important than sex. Marriage is an institution, sex is a physical activity... apples and oranges.

originally posted by: dragonslayer83
If you wait until marriage to have sex, you won't know if your partner has a low or high sex drive. What if you're both on opposite ends?

Talk to her/them about it.

As others have stated, there is far too much emphasis placed on the sexual aspect to a marriage. I think it is important, but there is no reason that you have to engage in actual sex before marriage to evaluate things. In fact, I think it would be much more erotic and stimulating to discuss it.

originally posted by: dragonslayer83
If you wait until marriage to have sex, you won't know if your partner has a low or high sex drive. What if you're both on opposite ends?

I think pre-marital sex is fine. I agree, you want to know if you are compatible physically.

The thing as someone posted though is that sex drives change. So while your partner might be a freak initially, they may not stay that way. The marriage has to be bigger than sex. It ebbs and flows. Every couple probably goes through some dry spells. Also, you need a partner that listens and is willing to learn and do what you like (within reason). So while you might initially be at opposite ends, it may not stay that way.

Life is all about change otherwise it becomes mundane and boring.
I’ve been married to the same woman for 46 years, the truth is, over time things change on both sides. When your young it’s hot sex. At middle age things change, Menopause kicks in for the ladies sometimes ED for the men.

If you love your partner then you try to evolve with the changes. Sometimes one or the other is horny., sometimes we just have a need. The beauty of is when we both have a need to be together at the same time, it’s a magical experience. That the best way I can explain it.