Help I need some advice.

So my life has been full of turmoil and significant loss. Which is a whole other story. Currently I’m in a relationship where I’ve made a few small mistakes (nothing serious like cheating or anything) and my S/O has really cut me apart because of it. We are still pretty new to dating. I’ve done everything I could do be a model partner and done wonderful things. Lately everything I do blows up in my face. I’ve tried explaining how I feel and how things in my life have affected but they are not hearing it.
I’ve heard quite a few times that my S/O is crazy from close people. There’s been many wonderful times together but times when we’ve drank it’s been terrible. Over the weekend I was degraded and cut deep and the next day it was no big deal. Today I was asked a question and in fear of repercussions I was scared to say the real answer and told a harmless lie. It was all about a object that I took because last week I was told to get my things from the house. It got out of control all day today and at the end of the day I took it as a breakup. Which apparently it was and then it turned into a whole other debacle.
I’m a really good guy and I’m old fashioned. I turned 30 this year and I really just want to calm down and find a soulmate. Am I looking in the wrong places? Am I putting myself in a bad position for no return? Or am I in the wrong?
I honestly am a helluva guy and have been told time and time again I’m what someone has been looking for and then the next day it’s a whole different story.
I’ve suffered a lot of loss in life. I’ve been told a lot I’m very handsome which I pay no mind I’m not a looker kind of person. I’m just really down and out guys . There’s a lot of other pressure in my life as well and I’m feeling overwhelmed. I know my family here is always around.
Please help a lost soul.

a reply to: Liquidiron

Slap her on the butt if she walks towards the fridge and tell her to stay outta there. If she gives you any lip give her something she can really chew on. It has solved so many arguments at my house. Honestly, there'd be no living with me.

a reply to: ConcernedCanadian

Not sure I'd want my wife chewing on that...just putting it out there...

a reply to: Liquidiron

There are always two sides of the story, so we are only hearing yours.

This part:

I’ve heard quite a few times that my S/O is crazy from close people.

You have to decide if you want to keep putting up with the crazy or not.
What is keeping you around?

Am I putting myself in a bad position for no return? Or am I in the wrong?

This sounds weird to me. How can anyone answer that for you? Do you love her, do you see future potential?
Can you work through these issues?

a reply to: JAGStorm
The way she looks at me hits different. I’ve only
felt it once before with a gal I use to date who passed away this past spring. I do enjoy the good times we have and love spending time with her but, the bad is rough. Every time she drinks she gets mean. I’ve been trying to work through these issues as I’m not someone who gives up easy. She’s told me a few times that I’m her dream man. I’ve made some very small mistakes that really blew up into something major. I don’t want to feel like I’m walking on eggshells. Family members have warned me and told me she’s crazy but, I really do love her. She’s told me she loves me but it seems really easy for her to just cut me out of things with no feelings at all about it. Maybe I’m just over thinking it. It’s just perplexing to me as a man how my feelings can be so dependent on how someone else feels and I need to learn how to separate that. Now that I think of it I’ve never been in a healthy relationship. It’s probably best I talk to a counselor

If she has a good relationship with her parents, stick with her. And also if she is a gracious woman, but also keep in mind that she would like a man in her life that has common sense. Tip from MIM, and old man.

Good luck friend. Take care of yourself. I think seeing a counselor might be helpful for you. As far as the woman you mention.. she's a mean drunk. walk away and let her sort herself out. Who knows, maybe in some years from now you could try again if she stays off the booze. I wouldn't tear yourself up over her though. Life is too hard already without having an addict around who abuses you. I hope you find the solace and happiness you deserve. [hug]

eta: lol, completely opposite advice than MIM .. I wouldn't stick with her myself but, self preservation runs in our family. I've been around too many addicts and alcoholics.. it rarely gets better.

a reply to: Liquidiron

First off, all women are crazy... some of us just hide it better than others.

So get used to that in life.

Secondly, there are two sides to every story but only one side of the story is yours soOo...

I am reading that YOU think (based off of your post) she is an angry drunk, is petty and does not respect your feelings.

Why on earth would you want a relationship that starts with that?

I understand that you are lonely... I too lost someone that I considered my better half last year and miss the simple things that having another soul around entails.

However, if you want someone from the other team to give you some advice...

Rule Number One.

Don't force it, don't look for a soulmate, don't EVER be anyone except exactly who you are.... ever.

Rule Number Two.

You sound like a decent guy but you have already caved in to her. So there is no amount of backpedaling that you are ever going to do to fix that. She doesn't respect you and you haven't given her a reason to.

Rule Number Three.

If you are not completely comfortable with yourself being alone, you don't really have anything lasting to give to a partner. You can't really love someone until you love yourself first. A soulmate isn't a crutch... he/she will accept the worst things about you along with the best.

My two cents as Aunty Lums...

originally posted by: Starcrossd
Good luck friend. Take care of yourself. I think seeing a counselor might be helpful for you. As far as the woman you mention.. she's a mean drunk. walk away and let her sort herself out. Who knows, maybe in some years from now you could try again if she stays off the booze. I wouldn't tear yourself up over her though. Life is too hard already without having an addict around who abuses you. I hope you find the solace and happiness you deserve. [hug]

eta: lol, completely opposite advice than MIM .. I wouldn't stick with her myself but, self preservation runs in our family. I've been around too many addicts and alcoholics.. it rarely gets better.

Well, I meant it as solid advice for a happy relationship. And yes, drunk wife, forget it. An alcoholic wife that with I mentioned above is workable, but a drunk wife that is mean. NOPE

Well...to be honest, it seems like you have a pretty high opinion of yourself. Perhaps that comes off in your relationship.

You also seem to have a standard about things which have happened to you in the past which seem to define how you should be treated by others in the present and future. Do you want her to love/like you for who you are now, or feel sorry for you because you had a rough past? (Hint: The latter is a really bad plan!).

Regarding drinking...if she's mean when she drinks then tell her that, point blank. Then, don't drink with her. You can still have fun doing other things, but if she starts drinking then cut off the moment and do something else. If she wants to get hammered and nasty, then let her do it on her own (and scream at the wall or something). She'll either get the idea, or she's got a problem she needs to admit and get help with. If she holds this against you...well...then it's time to go.

Sorry, I know these are tough words, but relationships can be a tough place sometimes.

Some good words of advice...don't ever think you "deserve" anything. You don't. Nobody does. You earn it.

a reply to: Liquidiron

when you are with her...are you a better version of you?

does she supports you?

if you are afraid of telling something to her... then it is not the correct one.
because when you are with her, you must feel safe, comfortable, in peace, free to communicate with her.
respected, she must give you your place
your ideas, and thoughts, even if she doesnt unerstand them.
the correct one gives you your space and priority because they come from you.

passion goes away with the time.
the conversation, the ideas between you and her remain.
you must feel comfortable with her in the silence, and when you talk.

if you talk with someone, and you tried, but they dont listen, then change your focus:
why are you choosing that person?
why are you choosing one that doesnt listen you?
what are you not listening?

the correct beloved one needs true and can forgive.

keeping the passion away:
do you feel in peace with her?
do you feel a better version of you with her?
do you feel listened, understood with her?

what do you learned with her?

.

a reply to: Liquidiron

"but times when we’ve drank it’s been terrible"

RED FLAG

"Over the weekend I was degraded and cut deep"

MAJOR RED FLAG

"I was scared to say the real answer"

CUT YOUR LOSSES AND RUN FOR THE HILLS


I am going to be brutally honest with you..

Bruh, this is not normal- if this is a new relationship and its already going this bad, its only going to get worse. Know your self worth. Man up, and NEVER EVER allow someone to degrade you. You can't fix other people, and you can't make them treat you like you want to be treated.

Me- I always chase emotionally distant, mean women. Want to know why? Because I don't think I deserve any better, and because I am trying to replay and fix what "went wrong" in my previous relationships. Don't be like me. Be better.

You are so young, and have so much time left. Trust me, it will be easier to walk away now than later. Take what you have learned, and use it to find someone who will love you the way that you want to be loved.

I hope you find what you are looking for.

a reply to: Liquidiron

I know what you are going thru. The mean drunk is a bad situation. Other peole saying ‘crazy’ isnt good. Its indicative of alcoholism, as frankly, if someone gets nasty when they drink, or lose control in other ways, and they have done it more than once, that means the alcohol is more important to them than their relationships with others, or they would quit. Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde is actually an autobiography of an alcoholic.

You didnt cause it, and you cant fix it. If your relationship isnt full on commitment, in sickness and in health, you should think carefully about continuing. A mutual commitment on her part would be to stop drinking, as it isnt healthy or good for her, it seems. She has a responsibility to participate in her recovery, even as alcoholism is indeed an illness. It rarely gets better left on their own. Your odds of having a successful lasting and satisfying relationship with an untreated alcoholic or problem drinker, are very slim.

How would she react to your suggestion that she might take a look at her drinking with guidance from a professional or AA?

a reply to: Liquidiron

One could hope that at thirty years of age, one might be a little more mature than to seek love-lorn advice from any anonymous group of people who frequent a conspiracy website that is already filled with the wildest notions on the nature of reality.

LOL, this was me when I was 30 already married 10 years and it's when our relationship went to # and the last 2 3/4 years were hell.

That was 20 years ago, just talked with my ex-wife, sometimes it gets so bad splitting up is the best choice.

All I'm gonna say is enjoy your thirties, after my divorce, I enjoyed all the dating and relationships the brief ones and the long ones. It takes two special people to stay together and really really be content even 70% of the time.

I've learned instead of trying to make someone else happy to be with them, it's easier to just be happy with yourself and date the people that don't mind you being happy...

originally posted by: TerryMcGuire
a reply to: Liquidiron

One could hope that at thirty years of age, one might be a little more mature than to seek love-lorn advice from any anonymous group of people who frequent a conspiracy website that is already filled with the wildest notions on the nature of reality.

One might also wonder why a person as self-admittedly mature as yourself doesn't seem to have the self-control to not post on this topic if you didn't have a reply TO the topic but instead HAS to crap on the OP in an attempt to look superior...

I know it is uncomfortable for you but people still have the right to post questions on ATS to garner a response from the membership, within the Tees and Cees of course...

originally posted by: Lumenari

originally posted by: TerryMcGuire
a reply to: Liquidiron

One could hope that at thirty years of age, one might be a little more mature than to seek love-lorn advice from any anonymous group of people who frequent a conspiracy website that is already filled with the wildest notions on the nature of reality.

One might also wonder why a person as self-admittedly mature as yourself doesn't seem to have the self-control to not post on this topic if you didn't have a reply TO the topic but instead HAS to crap on the OP in an attempt to look superior...

I know it is uncomfortable for you but people still have the right to post questions on ATS to garner a response from the membership, within the Tees and Cees of course...

My sentiments exactly. I mean, this post is in the Relationships Forum, which exists for a reason..

a reply to: Lumenari

Of course people still have a right to post questions and ask for response, just as others have the right to comment as truthfully as they can and others have the right to be incensed over that response.