Freefall - LF2021

Daddy?

...Daddy?!

...Daddy!!

The call rings out in his mind, echoes, but fades away quickly.
"Nelly?"... the sound is muted and... strange? It seems to come from himself, yet far away and muffled, but familiar.
"Nelly is that you?" This time slightly more clear.

He tries to open his eyes and has a swift moment of panic as only darkness presents itself.

"I'm blind?!" Panic grips him as he frantically strains to open his eyes fully. Light comes flooding in and he blinks rapidly. "I have to remember..."

"Nelly?"
"Yes!, Nelly!".
"My daughter... Nelly... It's all coming back now. Nelly... oh my God, Nelly. Where are you?!"

"I'm here Daddy, right here."

He sits up, his eyes slowly adjusting to the light. "I can't see you honey, where are you?"

"Daddy I'm here. I'm right here with you."

"I can't SEE you!" he exclaims, panic starting to set in again."

"I'm righ... ere... addy..." the voice fades away, echoing as it dissipates.

Confused, he swings his legs off the bed and stands up. "Where am I?" he thinks to himself.
"Hospital?" The bright white windows, shiny sterile floor and complicated mechanical bed he just stood up from seem to confirm it.
Various pipes, connections and switches are mounted on the wall behind the bed.

"I'm in a hospital. But why?"

He walks towards the window, squinting as he approaches it. "Bright... very bright."
His eyes adjusts slowly to the blinding light. Standing at the sill, eyes now adjusted, he peers out.
"Nothing... absolutely nothing." Outside the window a dull gray haze spreads out towards the horizon.

"There's nothing there. This must be a dream" he thinks out loud, and immediately gets startled by the echo of his own voice.

"Hello?" he enquires cautiously. A slightly less pronounced echo is all the answer he is rewarded with.
He moves closer to the window sill, determined to get a better look.

A sheer void, seemingly made of black, gray and charcoal rock presents itself. It seems to go down endlessly and for a moment, takes his breath away.
He feels oddly drawn towards it. Almost a feeling of "belonging". Instinctively he steps back... trips over something behind him and falls back towards the bed.

Daddy?

...Daddy?!

...Daddy!!

Bright lights and flashes of color. Odd smells.
Sounds drumming, humming and pounding in his ears, then reducing in volume. Taking on a rhytmic tone. "Beep, beep-bob"... "Beep, beep-bop"... Beep, beep-bop..."

Voices start to filter through the haze and confusion of sounds... "He's awake!"

"He's awake!!"

Nelly pushes through the wall of nurses and doctors and hugs her Dad as gently as she can muster.

"Rockclimbing... of all the things. We thought we lost you. But now it's just you, us and the great gray wall."

- The END

*Critique, comments and suggestions are always welcome. I am by no means an actual writer, simply a fan of literature.*

I liked it S&F

originally posted by: 727Sky
I liked it S&F

Thank you kindly

a reply to: Kreeate

I’m confused…
one second the guy is blind then he is miraculously cured!
and his vision is restored because he opened his eyes…
Why doesn’t this guy know his own daughters voice?
Does he have dementia too?

I didn’t like it seemed liked the guy had issues and no faith

originally posted by: 5StarOracle
a reply to: Kreeate

I’m confused…
one second the guy is blind then he is miraculously cured!
and his vision is restored because he opened his eyes…
Why doesn’t this guy know his own daughters voice?
Does he have dementia too?

I didn’t like it

seemed liked the guy had issues and no faith

Let me TRY to explain...

"one second the guy is blind then he is miraculously cured!
and his vision is restored because he opened his eyes…"
Erm... he was never blind. He was in a coma and usually when people wake up from that, they have difficulty with light.
Visual acuity returns eventually. If you actually understood the story you'd know that he never actually woke up. Or did he?

"Why doesn’t this guy know his own daughters voice?
Does he have dementia too?"
He's dazed and confused, having just woken up from a coma. Or did he? Perhaps he had a kind of selective amnesia?

I didn’t like it

seemed liked the guy had issues and no faith

Sure, and thank you for the constructive criticism. I'm sure this has absolutely nothing to do with our little bout on another thread right? But thank you for your comments nonetheless. Always appreciated

a reply to: 5StarOracle
Never in the history of this forum have I seen such a manners violation as a reply. If you debate in another thread, keep it in the other thread. This is not the place .

a reply to: Kreeate

Well written and fits perfectly within the theme. S &F

a reply to: Kreeate

I’m not going to lie to you…
Because you know it has something to do with our other conversation…
However I really didn’t like it…
But I normally wouldn’t tell somebody I didn’t…

I just really like to argue and I’ll fan the flames if I can…

You did much better explaining the goings on to me than you did in your story…
Have a good nite

originally posted by: AccessDenied
a reply to: Kreeate

Well written and fits perfectly within the theme. S &F

Thank you very much. The story is a bit obscure, but that's just my writing style. For now at least.
I want to entice the imagination of the reader whenever I can. Different paths and possibilities to an end.
I can only endeavor to improve.

a reply to: AccessDenied

They asked for compliments or criticism

originally posted by: 5StarOracle
a reply to: Kreeate

I’m not going to lie to you…
Because you know it has something to do with our other conversation…
However I really didn’t like it…
But I normally wouldn’t tell somebody I didn’t…

I just really like to argue and I’ll fan the flames if I can…

You did much better explaining the goings on to me than you did in your story…
Have a good nite

I won't argue with your assessment. Every person has their own niche and preferences and that's okay.

The story is intentionally obscure. It's meant to make the reader think and ponder.
I'm sorry you didn't see that. I'll try to improve.

I'm glad I could clarify some of the story at least.

originally posted by: 5StarOracle
a reply to: AccessDenied

They asked for compliments or criticism

To be clear, I welcome critique, comments and suggestions. Compliments are really not on my list, lol.

originally posted by: 5StarOracle
a reply to: AccessDenied

They asked for compliments or criticism

Constructive criticism, not blatant rudeness. You admitted to having a chip on your shoulder spilled over from another thread. Again, this isn't the place for it.

I enjoyed reading your composition.

... and i appreciate your participating in our little contest!


Wishing you much success in the contest,
Johnny

originally posted by: JohnnyAnonymous
I enjoyed reading your composition.

... and i appreciate your participating in our little contest!


Wishing you much success in the contest,
Johnny

As much as you appreciate my participation, I appreciate your comment. Thank you good Sir.

Bravo. I liked it.

a reply to: Kreeate

Ignore it!

I think it is a great story and in no way did it lose me as I read it.

Thanks for this OP.

Good Luck!!! 😎

originally posted by: GenerationGap
Bravo. I liked it.

Thank you

originally posted by: PiratesCut
a reply to: Kreeate

Ignore it!

I think it is a great story and in no way did it lose me as I read it.

Thanks for this OP.

Good Luck!!! 😎

Thank you for your kind words and taking the time to read my story

a reply to: Kreeate

Nice story, enjoyed reading it.