Time Doesn’t Live Here Anymore - Staff for entertainment only - CD2021

Sitting at the counter, the tick of the clock was overbearing. Looking up it is 3:57 and the waitress is topping off the coffee cups of everyone here at the counter.

She smiles and cheerfully asks “More?” Before automatically pouring from the pot that just always seems to be two thirds full. The smell says it is stale and she just wants to run it down before a new pot.

But her smile belies what is in her eyes. A sadness that seems beyond a single mother that only took the job to pay for repairs to a broken down car. There must be a deeper story, but one she will never tell. We all hold our secrets as treasures or bonds that chain us to a way we never intended.

A blonde haired boy with a basketball that looks just a little too pretty sits in a corner booth sipping a coke. Maybe it is because his hair is too long or maybe because he looks like one of the girls from The Facts of Life. Another brunette waitress is talking with him. Too quiet to hear what it is about.

In walks a man that seems familiar, but kinda hard to place. He talks to the cook, who just twists a grimace of being mad and glares at the other waitress.

I look up at the ticking of the clock, three minutes til four...

Author Note:

One of the things I used to do was to just write a scene or moment in time. But in such a way as to place the reader there. Rather than invent some characters, I thought it more in keeping with the theme to use some existing characters to express that delirium.

Some will identify them right off, others might not due to age.

originally posted by: Ahabstar
Author Note:

One of the things I used to do was to just write a scene or moment in time. But in such a way as to place the reader there. Rather than invent some characters, I thought it more in keeping with the theme to use some existing characters to express that delirium.

Some will identify them right off, others might not due to age.

Made me feel like I was at a Waffle House in my youth, late-night drunk/hungover after going to a concert...

a reply to: putnam6

More disturbing. I’ll hit up a Waffle House during normal human hours. But we used to bring a doggy bag to the WH across the street from the BBQ place I worked at to trade now and then. We all ate well because the cook would whip up some crazy meals.

a reply to: Ahabstar


Excellent creation of tension, and like all good things, leaves your audience wanting more. Well done!

a reply to: Ahabstar
All I feel like saying when I read this is...
"Kiss my grits"😂

a reply to: Ahabstar

Well you're good at it, to say the least.

Lots of interesting things happen in coffee houses...

a reply to: AccessDenied

As I said, some would get it others wouldn’t.

And notably missing, by the way. Bonus points for identifying the familiar guy...the only episode I really remotely remember to be honest because I never really watched the show.

originally posted by: Ahabstar
a reply to: putnam6

More disturbing. I’ll hit up a Waffle House during normal human hours. But we used to bring a doggy bag to the WH across the street from the BBQ place I worked at to trade now and then. We all ate well because the cook would whip up some crazy meals.

When I first moved out we lived across the street from a Waffle House not that I didn't frequent an Awful Waffle before or after this period of my life but for those 18 months, much more often than not we finished our nights out at our Waffle House.

Your 3 paragraphs took me back... thanks for that

Now ... the characters?

a reply to: putnam6

AccessDenied knows...

You have a similar writing style to me

You paint a scene without overpowering or drawing out the story with too much description. Leaving room for imagination

The use of the clock brings anticipation, which helps to perfectly immerse you in the scene

One of my favourite of the stories I've read as far as writing style goes

I'd love to see a conclusion or angle on the anticipation and waiting though (I hate the word "twist", because I feel it implies deceiving the reader, rather than leading them somewhere amazing and unexpected)

Good work 👍😊

How to you give flags to a thread?

Do you just star the original post?

(I'm new at this forum sorry. I'm assuming flags are good)

*Edit: Never mind, I worked it out*

a reply to: Compendium

The clock is the center, as in despite the actions and scenery descriptions, time stood still. Which is also alluded to with the perpetual 2/3 full coffee pot. Lack of time passage is the delirium.

originally posted by: Ahabstar
a reply to: putnam6

AccessDenied knows...

LOL got ya

7

originally posted by: Ahabstar
a reply to: AccessDenied

As I said, some would get it others wouldn’t.

And notably missing, by the way. Bonus points for identifying the familiar guy...the only episode I really remotely remember to be honest because I never really watched the show.

I'm completely giving away my age here.. But watched the show regularly. You captured it perfectly.

originally posted by: Ahabstar
a reply to: AccessDenied

As I said, some would get it others wouldn’t.

And notably missing, by the way. Bonus points for identifying the familiar guy...the only episode I really remotely remember to be honest because I never really watched the show.

Very good! I love the suspended time angle.

Reading your story immediately made me think of the TV series you based it on. I think the familiar guy was some kind of handyman who always complained about the food... the name fails me.

Thanks for the memories

Rather than dangle. The characters are of course from Alice. Alice pouring the coffee, Vera talking to Alice’s son Tommy (who was played by Nancy McKeon’s older brother), Mel and special guest star Art Carney as himself. The episode was about taking Mel’s chili national as Chili con Carney. Something about Vera being a distant relative to Art Carney killed the deal. Major hint in the title as t( show was based on the movie Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore.

Inserting oneself into a TV show definitely qualifies on the delirium scale. But it was actually the clock ticking away but gaining no time that I began with, Alice just became a handy insert to keep from making new characters. Although revisiting Jenny (from a much earlier story years ago) might be interesting.

I also like to use people I have met as characters, but prefer to have the person (as I know them) act out the role of the character. So I can do a more fine tuned physical description and pull some quirks and mannerisms like speech patterns, phrases, movements, etc. it beats making a character out of whole cloth as there is a human root which makes them relatable. But you can also place people in different situations that they wouldn’t experience, think Jimmy Stewart’s character in North By Northwest played by a friend of yours or your boss instead.

a reply to: Ahabstar

Nice
I enjoyed this one