My Blood is Boiling and I Want to Cry Fire

Of all the people that could be turned against me, my own grandmother is trying to victim blame me after I stood up to my abuser. Even after I laid out all the things they did to me, she is still worried that I have ruined their reputation. Why should it matter their reputation takes a hit when they caused me irreparable mental and emotional damage, as well as breaking my trust to a thousand pieces?

Yes, they were a 'nice', upstanding individual who 'loved' me and gave me everything I could ask for (for which I was beyond grateful), but it does not excuse their behavior towards me and the fact they never listened or took my concerns to heart.

This is making me begin to regret, and that I should have just stuck it out, but they want me to return to my home country, but anywhere but my original state because I just can't now.

I'm just hoping to meet other people who can lend me a hand when I switch places

I feel like I'm trapped in a Kafkaesque Law and Order SVU episode

Distance yourself, find your own family/group. There will always be that hint of suspicion and you will not be given the benefit of doubt. You will never forget, but you can forgive. However, if you stay involved they will bring you down and you will never be able to heal. Your Grandmother has already shown you what your status is in the family. Protect yourself, you deserve better.

originally posted by: searching411
Distance yourself, find your own family/group. There will always be that hint of suspicion and you will not be given the benefit of doubt. You will never forget, but you can forgive. However, if you stay involved they will bring you down and you will never be able to heal. Your Grandmother has already shown you what your status is in the family. Protect yourself, you deserve better.

This, absolutely. Family does not have to be by blood. I have a group of friends still from late teen years and we call it our chosen family.

There is never anything worse than toxic family members. The manipulation is always so much easier. If possible I would say stay away and don't be hurt if they chose to shed you from the family.

I suspect most truly love their family members but years of familiarity create habituated patterns that are abusive or dismissive. Doesn't make it ok, but I don't think they even know they are doing it. Best to stay away, accept what love they have as the tip of the iceberg but that you, and only you, are responsible for steering clear and keeping yourself emotionally safe.

Wish you the best with luck it. It will feel harsh for a time.

a reply to: TheToastmanCometh

2nd line friend. "Grandmother". This divide we see in the age is different. Just like you were 20 years ago to a younger crowd now!

They don't get it. Grandma don't get it. It's ok. You get it. You just can't...for a variety of reasons...confide just anything to anyone.


Sorry for your trauma. Just go forth with that same courage...damn anyone else.

You matter to you. Peace

Sounds like your grandma comes from a time and culture where you just submit to it. Hearing stories from my grand parents, some things where a lot tougher back then.

We cannot change the past, I hope you find a better future.

a reply to: TheToastmanCometh

Sorry to say this, but something about this sounds fishy.

What actually happened, you don't tell us. You're being INCREDIBLY vague and avoid details like the plague. Not a good sign. You can't do this and then talk about trust.

Also, 'emotional damage' is not a thing. 'Mental damage' - I don't think so, unless this individual bashed your head in with a crowbar or something.

What I gather from this, is that NOTHING actually happened, beyond someone having a different opinion or saying something you didn't like, and you wanting to summon all the powers of victimhood to destroy some innocent, upstanding man's (it was a man, right?) whole life and reputation just because you two had a tiny argument or debate, because of feelzzz?

Am I right? Am I wrong?

It sounds to me like nothing PHYSICAL happened.

So where's the abuse? What was said, exactly? I don't take one side of a story and treat it as a fact, there are always at least two, often three sides to a story - your side, their side and the truth.

If you 'stood up', then can it even be called 'abuse'? This is so vague and has no details whatsoever, it could mean basically anything.

Maybe if you tell us the WHOLE truth, ONLY truth and NOTHING but the truth - no 'feelz', no 'opinions', no 'bias' - just what ACTUALLY, factually happened, we are in a position to give you more sympathy.

(I would still have to hear their side, your grandma's side, and even then, I would still have to piece together what probably went down and still not know the full story, but it'd be a start - to be able to honestly and authentically award any sympathy)

Again, my apologies if I am wrong, but this just smells fishy and sounds a _LOT_ like a typical story where a woman is blaming some innocent man and trying to destroy that man just because the man DARED say something un-feministic, dared be right when the woman was wrong, dared to point out the woman's mistake or 'mansplain', and so on and so forth. Women have been using shaming language, like 'abuse', 'creep', etc. not to mention all the CARDS, that I have become a bit less trusting and cynical about this sort of stuff.

If someone punched you, yes, this is definitely abuse. If you CLAIM someone punched you, but no one actually did, JUST to kill someone's reputation or get them in trouble, and your grandma saw that, then no, that's not OK and you don't get my sympathy.

How do you even 'destroy someone's trust', and why is that somehow unlawful? It is not mentioned in Black's Law Dictionary.

Trust is something YOU build based on your experiences - if he is not trustworthy, then he should not be trusted. It can't destroy your ability to trust or build trust or assess trustworthiness of other people. If you disagree, then could you explain and elaborate, how would it even be possible for someone else to destroy YOUR trust? How?

This just smells so fishy, something is being hidden here, and I don't like it. What's your agenda for not telling the details of the story? Can you entertain the idea that your grandma might be right? What is a good excuse in your opinion to destroy someone's reputation, if they didn't do anything physical to you?

Are men even allowed to debate anymore without some vicious !@%&"* wanting to destroy their probably well-earned reputation?

How many honest, innocent men have to be dragged down, jailed or murdered for people to ask some QUESTIONS before they reward any self-appointed 'victim of abuse' (the signs of which are non-physical.. err, that's not abuse) with tons of sympathy?

Maybe I am too cynical after living in this world for so long, but could you please elaborate on your story and explain EXACTLY why this man's (I assume) reputation SHOULD be destroyed (what a weird way to go about it anyway, why not just report him to the police and let LAW handle it, instead of trying to destroy them - are you any better if you're just destroying people and their reputations instead of going about it the proper route? Could it be that nothing serious enough happened that would warrant a warrant (sorry, couldn't resist a pun) - I mean, maybe police wouldn't take it seriously if you go claim 'a man destroyed my trust'..?)

Something is definitely weird about this - at least reveal WHAT HAPPENED, or maybe don't try to destroy someone's reputation.