I Apologize and I Love All of You

a reply to: IAMALLYETALLIAM

And I was making a light hearted joke in celebration of his soul bearing and heart pouring.

a reply to: dug88

I put it in the Rant forum too.

Funny choice I do believe.
Hehehehe

I didn't take offense or anything.
I came here to Colorado specifically because of that reason.

The part where you were wrong was that I'm actually totally sober and don't even have any cigs right now either. It's economics. On Monday I'll be fine.

I've always secretly sought all of you guys/gals Love and appreciation.

It may not be obvious until you look back knowing this but it's True.
All I wanted was yall to Love me.
I feel so unloved all the time.

I wasn't even able to love myself because I thought if yall don't or can't well maybe I don't deserve it or maybe I'm simply not lovable at all...

It took me until the last year or so to even begin to resolve this problem within myself and start validating myself and trying to love myself.

It's definitely still a work in progress.
It may always be a work in progress the rest of my life it's that big.

This affects everything I say and do. It skews my thinking and bias on virtually everything.

Even right now I'm feeling a huge crash and want to just go for a walk and bum a smoke off someone...

God life can be so hard sometimes just to EXIST without all this BS screwing me up from inside.

Just gotta breathe deep and relax. It's fine.
I'm fine. I got this.

a reply to: muzzleflash

I quit smoking about 8 weeks ago.

It's a bastard, but I'm still going strong.

originally posted by: muzzleflash

originally posted by: IAMTAT

originally posted by: muzzleflash
a reply to: ManSizedSquirrel

Hahaha, thanks!

Maybe you haven't been around ATS long enough?

Virtually everyone here has hated me at least once.
And I too them as well most likely, hahaha!

I've been around ATS long enough.
I don't recall ever hating you or being hated by you.

Good point.
I think we have been on good terms the whole time huh?

I am a bit surprised you haven't hated me though.
I expect that from everyone after I unleash my anger.

Thanks for somehow staying neutral with me.
Hehehe

Honestly can't think of any dust ups between us worth remembering.
I don't really hold hate for anyone here or elsewhere in my life.
If someone is being a douche towards me...I usually just move along...sometimes after a quick slap with my rapier-like wit.

originally posted by: andy06shake
a reply to: muzzleflash

I quit smoking about 8 weeks ago.

It's a bastard, but I'm still going strong.

Congrats!

Don't give up!

I've quit twice but only because I was stuck in a jail.
It was really hard for a few weeks to stop needing it.

The moment I got out both times the first thing I went for was a cig.
Of course.
Hahahah

a reply to: IAMTAT

You know that's actually really weird.

I always felt like you had a neutral aura I guess and I very rarely ever attack that type of energy.
If I do it is always a mistake I don't intend to attack any neutral.

Your beliefs or views may not be neutral but it's your energy I judge.
I almost always get into it with someone I think is arrogant and spiteful, because I'm more arrogant and spiteful and I'll show them. LOL

a reply to: muzzleflash

Cheers buddy.

Ive tried to give up a few times myself.

All this COVID 19 crap is actually helping, meaning I'm not around other people who smoke so much.

Still got the bong all the same, but nobody's perfect eh? LoL

A lot of people on here believe I have "mental problems", that I need to "seek help".

That's a fundamental misunderstanding of how the human being operates and how "needs" work.

My only need the entire time through the 39 years of my life was to be loved by someone. Specifically a female.
Everything else was inconsequential to me in terms of "needs".

Yes it is indeed a problem I've faced, largely illusion created by my unresolved emotional void left over from before I can remember anything at all. It is in my mind.

But this is not something any pill or drug can help.
There is no love pill that makes me feel hugs and appreciated.

This is not something I can pay a shrink 90 $ an hour to resolve.
They don't know me and never will no matter how much I explain.
They wouldn't have a clue how to help either because the govt ruined their profession by prohibiting any rational response to someone in dire need. They cannot legally be my buddy and hug me all the time and pat me on the back. That's illegal and they could lose their jobs for DOING THE RIGHT THING.

So there is no professional that can help me. No drugs. No money can fill this hole inside me.

Only I can do this.
I must do this on my own.
I must overcome my problems myself.
I have to FACE THEM and then OVERCOME.

All of you are in the exact same predicament with your own issues and problems in life.
Only YOU can save YOU from YOU.

And the only way I know of that makes this possible is by getting God involved and asking for help and then trusting in God to care and actually help you. It is a long difficult process but eventually it does start working out. God will help you save you from yourself.

The only place you will find God is within your Heart so this is all like a built in self-correction mechanism we all have and can utilize as we try to free ourselves from our self-created prisons.

originally posted by: andy06shake
a reply to: muzzleflash

Cheers buddy.

Ive tried to give up a few times myself.

All this COVID 19 crap is actually helping, meaning I'm not around other people who smoke so much.

Still got the bong all the same, but nobody's perfect eh? LoL

Hmmm I see you registered on 4-19....
Got a day?

Oh and pass that #

originally posted by: muzzleflash
a reply to: IAMTAT

You know that's actually really weird.

I always felt like you had a neutral aura I guess and I very rarely ever attack that type of energy.
If I do it is always a mistake I don't intend to attack any neutral.

Your beliefs or views may not be neutral but it's your energy I judge.

Y'know, I really appreciate that. TY
There's always more to any of us than just our beliefs and views...I try to keep that in mind, even during heated discussions here.
We're a community.
I value that.

a reply to: muzzleflash

Heh fair enough. I did believe you were writing from the heart though. I haven't personally seen your comments towards the other member, but I do know from your guys' posts you have some disagreements in views on things. ATS has been pretty heated the last few months. But...I dunno # happens, you came publicly forward and manned up and admitted you were an asshole. No sense in dwelling on things. Laughter's the best medicine and all that.

a reply to: IAMTAT

I'm super sensitive to everything.
I can feel the most tiny differences.

One drop of caffeine is powerful and I am like !!!!!! go go go !!!!!!

All my senses are on overdrive usually including my "psychic" feelings. They aren't always perfectly accurate but they are most of the time very near the bullseye.

I am really good at analyzing my feelings as well and getting specific details and information out of it.

I guess you just felt so Good to me all the time. I didn't care what you said or thought. I just like the feeling of you.

If you see me attack someone and go nuts on them it's because of what they made me feel about them. Not their words exactly but their intent, I sense malice in it or selfishness or whatever it happens to be and I hone in on that vibe and just go into 'target acquired destroy' mode.

When I feel a genuine Good vibe from someone's Spirit I cant possibly want to attack them.

originally posted by: dug88
a reply to: muzzleflash

Heh fair enough. I did believe you were writing from the heart though. I haven't personally seen your comments towards the other member, but I do know from your guys' posts you have some disagreements in views on things. ATS has been pretty heated the last few months. But...I dunno # happens, you came publicly forward and manned up and admitted you were an asshole. No sense in dwelling on things. Laughter's the best medicine and all that.

I've been an ass and heat things up often here at ATS since I joined.
It's not any different than it always has been here.
It's par for the course with internet discussions honestly.

For me personally the battle has always existed every day of my life and may continue to do so.

Usually the moment you think you've overcome something it comes back to bite you real hard.
I keep reminding myself not to think I can magically overcome me and just be fine suddenly and perfectly happy always. That's not realistic at all.

It is and will be an everyday battle.
The same goes for everyone in their lives and their problems.
It's always something. Always something...

a reply to: muzzleflash

Good points to live and learn by God bless and godspeed my friend...

What a beautiful heartfelt post. I think all could learn from your publica reply to: muzzleflash

muzzleflash:

This OP took courage. It also shows sorrow. We will be okay, as a nation, as a race of humans, if we just try to appreciate one another. We ALL have baggage. We ALL have scars.

I've no idea if you have any idea who I am or recall any of our interactions, but know that this 'rant' is appreciated; I think we are all simply exhausted.

Too much grief, coming from all sides.

Sleep well tonight, you person - and wake tomorrow with a renewed attitude towards our common survival as people.

Namaste

a reply to: putnam6

There is nothing easy about it.
I won't fool anyone on that.

It is an every day set of challenges and it will be so hard you'll be on your knees sometimes from the pain...

But if you keep Hope alive, just a drop of it, and have just a grain of Faith, and refuse to give up on this life, than you got this and you can make it.
You might feel like you barely got it, I always do. I hardly have a finger hanging on usually.

But if you just keep your Heart alive and keep moving forward relentlessly than you got this.
You're strong enough good enough and smart enough and doggone it, you're gonna do great!

A lil Stuart Smalley there to motivate us!

originally posted by: VeeTNA
muzzleflash:

This OP took courage. It also shows sorrow. We will be okay, as a nation, as a race of humans, if we just try to appreciate one another. We ALL have baggage. We ALL have scars.

I've no idea if you have any idea who I am or recall any of our interactions, but know that this 'rant' is appreciated; I think we are all simply exhausted.

Too much grief, coming from all sides.

Sleep well tonight, you person - and wake tomorrow with a renewed attitude towards our common survival as people.

Namaste

Thank you.

Yes tomorrow is great because I don't have to fly to TN to go to court.
They are letting me appear on my phone from here in CO.
Super thrilled about this because I didn't know till today and thought I was about to fail to appear and get a fugitive status. That would have SUCKED...

So yeah I'm gonna be really happy about not having to go to jail for being too poor to afford a plane ticket.

Then I can come back on here and Love all of you and squeeze till ya pop! Hehehe

No I don't remember you at all.
Color me intrigued.

originally posted by: summer5
What a beautiful heartfelt post. I think all could learn from your publica reply to: muzzleflash

Thank you!!
*hugs*

Sincere Love is the most wonderful and beautiful thing in the Universe.
And all of us can be exactly that!

Love and Hate are both infectious and contagious, so it's up to us what we want to spread onto others to affect and influence their lives.

It's high time I get myself together and start pouring out the Truth in my Heart and raising myself upwards.
I'm so tired of going down into the pits....